would you say anything?

[irishsharon]

Except he doesn't need to lose any weight per his DOCTOR.

 

[horseshowmom]

Not sure since I don't know the context of the statement. If she's as good as you say she is, she probably said it out of genuine concern for his health. It could be getting to the point of upsetting her. It seems to be a subject that is bringing pain to your family. It might be time to address it for your sons sake.

My mother in law is wonderful but she has major issues with weight. She will say negative things to her husband and grown children about their weight. My ds is super tall for his age and has skinny arms and legs but does have a little belly, his doctor is not worried and neither am I. I do not want any conflict but if she is concerned then she should talk to us and not her 7 year old grandson.

This is what I was going to post. Her comments should be made to the parents not the child (assuming she absolutely can't control her need to make comments ).

I was at a funeral recently, and the woman sitting next to me was having a conversation with someone in front of her. The woman in front had asked about her grandchildren. The woman by me said that they were all doing great "except for that middle girl - she's put on a little bit of weight. I've been telling her about it whenever I see her, and I'm going to stay on her until she gets rid of it." I couldn't help but think what a witch. Wonder how long it will be until her grandchild starts avoiding her.

This is exactly what dh and I agreed on. The only reason we cant drop the whole thing is because we don't want her to make these comments again.The story I got was from ds7 and ds11, Ds showed grandma his arm muscles and she said you need to work on your fat belly. No matter the exact words the bottom line is ds's feelings where still hurt enough to tell me about it the next day Let me just say again to others reading. ds is not fat.

What she said was unacceptable. Maybe if she's called on it (nicely, because it sounds like overall she is a good person), she'll be more careful in the future. I get being concerned about your grandchild, but as I said above, any conversation of that nature should be had with the parents NOT the 7 year old child.

I have a niece whose grandmother on the other side used to say things to her. This girl had lupus and was on medications that caused her to gain some weight. She was not obese in any way. It used to hurt her feelings so bad. Burned me up...

 

[ZehnJahren]

Kids always remember stuff like this wrong. I'd absolutely go to Grandma right away and say "hey, DS said you made a comment about his weight but he was taking it really hard so I wanted to find out exactly what you said."

If she did make a snide comment, you can correct her then. If she made the comment jokingly, she then knows to apologize. And if it was something completely out of context (the comment was made after DS said he was SOOO FULL from dinner, or made after DS said "look at my fat belly!"), then you can discuss further with DS so he doesn't get a complex.

 

[fofinia]

I had a similar experience with our kids grandmother. And I called her that night and talked to her. It really hurt my daughters feelings that grandma told her "How come you have a chubby tummy?" I didn't understand asking a 9 year old that question at all. She said it in front of my niece who repeated it to her mother and everyone's story matched. I was pretty upset. My grandmother used to say things like that to me too. I was never overweight as a kid. Just not super stick skinny like my little sister. And I do have a weight problem as an adult now. And yes my mental and emotional health was hurt by my grandmother saying those things. I really didn't want my daughter to be continually hurt over and over by her grandmother. So I called her. I just expressed that our daughters feelings were very hurt. And that we were aware that she did seem to be developing a little tummy. And we were really focusing on healthy eating and exercise. Kids should not always be told what they can't and shouldn't do. But sometimes extra effort on the positive things they should be doing is more beneficial.

Everything went well. There were no lingering hurt feelings between myself and mother in law that I know of. She's not said anything to daughter again. It's been two years. Our daughter is still in the healthy weight range. She still has a tiny tummy. But we keep focusing on healthy habits so we don't develop any problems down the road.

I'm so sorry for your son! As you can see this subject hits me emotionally!

 

[HM]

This is exactly what dh and I agreed on. The only reason we cant drop the whole thing is because we don't want her to make these comments again.The story I got was from ds7 and ds11, Ds showed grandma his arm muscles and she said you need to work on your fat belly. No matter the exact words the bottom line is ds's feelings where still hurt enough to tell me about it the next day Let me just say again to others reading. ds is not fat.

If this is the case, then you should definitely tell Grandma she needs to apologize to your son. And that she must never make comments about his body again if they can't be positive ones.

She took what should have been a cute positive moment ("Look at my muscles" said proudly) to an upsetting moment (What I hear you say is "I'm Fat") for your son.

Kids get big bellies before they go through growth spurts. And then things even out again.

 

[tzolkin]

Most people keep mentioning how kids misinterpret things, but the OP said...

My mother in law is wonderful but she has major issues with weight. She will say negative things to her husband and grown children about their weight.

I think in this case, knowing that this person regularly comments/ criticizes others weight, the child likely heard what grandma said just fine.

I would say something. My youngest sister had issues with eating disorders based on family comments throughout her life but she was too shy to ever speak up. When her DD was an infant she had several confrontations with family members who constantly went on an on about how chubby/fat/big/etc she was. At the time I thought it shouldn't be a big deal-- people use "chubby" to mean healthy and cute-- but she just felt that it was finally time to tell everyone how much those comments had hurt her throughout her childhood and teen years and she did not want her DD to have the same experience.

 

[mrsklamc]

Kids always remember stuff like this wrong.

I've had the exact opposite experience. I find kids remember stuff like this all too clearly.

 

[NHTikiBeckie]

Come on tell him that she is old and also his granny. There should be no heart feelings even if she said something harsh. We do ignore many things just to keep good relationship in tact. My granny some time even say many harsh words and slapped me couple of times when i were 13 or 15. But i never kept any grudge because she is like my mother and she punished me for good. So let it go and try to reduce weight so next time she should not say him fat

Are you kidding me? OP, please don't take this advice.

OP, Yes...talk to grandma about what was said, and if I were you, since you mentioned she seems to like commenting on others weights, I would make it abundantly clear she is not to make a comment to him about his weight ever again. Not okay at all.

 

[WantToGoNow]

My dad used to tell ds12 he was getting fat (he was chunky) - now he tells him he's too skinny (which he is). Dd9 is at that chunky stage and he hasn't said anything to her -guess he's afraid she'll get too skinny too.

Yes, I would let grandma know she hurt his feelings.

 

[aliceindisneyland]

Only you know your family dynamics. For our family, my grandma said this exact thing - more than once - to my little brother starting when he was about 6. He not only avoids her to this day; he is still angry that my parents didn't talk to her and make her stop - to the point that when my brother was well over 30 he was still so upset that my dad did indeed go ahead and tell my grandma off about it. 25 years too late. We have one grandma who NEVER criticized us, no matter what, and one grandma who got her digs in. Guess which one gets visited in her old age?

 

[ZehnJahren]

I've had the exact opposite experience. I find kids remember stuff like this all too clearly.

Difference in kids, I guess!

 

[mrsklamc]

Difference in kids, I guess!

Yes. Which is why statements like "Kids always" should not be made in situations like this.

 

[HM]

OP, what did you decide?

 

[bedogged]

My mother in law is wonderful but she has major issues with weight. She will say negative things to her husband and grown children about their weight. My ds is super tall for his age and has skinny arms and legs but does have a little belly, his doctor is not worried and neither am I. I do not want any conflict but if she is concerned then she should talk to us and not her 7 year old grandson.

It seems to me that your husband should speak to his mother if the both of you feel it is appropriate. It can be hard enough to maintain a good relationship with your MIL without these types of conflict. Bow out and let HIM handle it!

 

[ktlm]

This is exactly what dh and I agreed on. The only reason we cant drop the whole thing is because we don't want her to make these comments again.The story I got was from ds7 and ds11, Ds showed grandma his arm muscles and she said you need to work on your fat belly. No matter the exact words the bottom line is ds's feelings where still hurt enough to tell me about it the next day Let me just say again to others reading. ds is not fat.

It sounds like maybe she thought she was teasing him since he was "showing off his guns", BUT she needs to know that she hurt his feelings and that she shouldn't say things like that again. I can recall being in my awkward phase and a Great Aunt saying "What a nice stocky girl you are". I'm 40ish and that still bugs me. I was 11 or 12 and it totally gave me a complex about being fat through my teen years- which I wasn't, I wore a size 3 or 5. I know she didn't mean any harm (she grew up on a farm and that was probably a good thing back then on the farm) and neither did your MIL, but a careless sentence like that can really mess with a kids self confidence and body image. I felt like a fat teen, even though I was a thin teen. She needs to know (nicely) that she can't say things like that to him.

I think the approach of casually saying something like "DS came to me yesterday really upset saying you told him he was fat, and I'm sure he misunderstood. Do you remember what happened?" would probably work best. You don't want to be accusatory, but you need to let her know that her comment really hurt his feelings, which I'm betting she had no intention of doing. Might be best for him, if she personally tells him she was just teasing and he isn't fat- instead if it coming from his parents. I'm betting she is going to be surprised and feel bad that what she said bothered him. If you call it to her attention, that might be enough for her to watch what she says in the future. If she seems like she doesn't feel bad and thinks it is okay to say things like that to him because she wants him to slim down- you need to let her know in no uncertain terms that such comments are not acceptable.

My DD is 7 and still has a "toddler" belly that she has not lost yet, and she is very self conscious about it because she has some really skinny friends. She sounds like your son- skinny arms and legs, tall for her age, and with a belly. She is not fat and her doctor is not concerned- she is just a bigger boned kid. I didn't think I would have a 7 year old aleady concerned about her weight. I'm already worried of how that will translate to her being a teenager.

 

[ZehnJahren]

Yes. Which is why statements like "Kids always" should not be made in situations like this.

Alright then! How about this?

"In my experience, all the kids I know exaggerate these types of things."

Now YOU can chime in and say:

"Not with the kids I know!"

And everyone will know children are different!


Other than that, I'm interested in knowing what Grandma said, and if the OP said anything to her!

 

[Nakkira]

 

[MSSANDRA]

The thing is, we have no idea what grandma was thinking, but we do know that it upset her grandson and needs to be addressed. I think that you first need to reassure your child that you and his doctor agree that he is exactly the size and shape he should be. Tell him you are not sure what his grandmother meant by her remark but you will find out. some really good people, can be really tackless sometimes.

I would address her (or have DH do so), with the assumption that she meant no harm to her grandchild. Something to the effect of...you are glad she shares in the concern of keeping your child's body healthy but you are concerned about keeping his self esteem as healthy as his body, and you think she may have unintentionally said something that upset him. If she is as kind and helpful as you say, she will be very open to your concerns and will want to make it right.
approach this situation assuming this is what will happen. If she does defend her comment, you will need to be a bit more direct and make it clear that your child having a positive body image is very important to you and to please consider that when making comments to your kids.

It really sounds like maybe they were taking about toning bodies and perhaps she really has no clue she in any way made your child feel bad. It however is your, and your DH's job as parents to clarify and direct future conversations.