Would you say anything?

[npmommie]

if your kids invited someone over for a playdate, and then they basically ignored them for part of that playdate, would you want another playdate with them, would you say anything to the parent who keeps bugging for another playdate?
this is the friend whose older son (11ish) has to always be in on the playdates.......and there is always something he gets upset about with the others.
I really don't want to do a playdate with them, even though my kids do. its just stressful to me, just anticipating when he is going to get mad at the others over something.
plus the last time we were invited over there, they basically ignored my dd for part of the time, and i was ready to leave, and they convinced me to stay.
maybe it bugged me more than my kid, but anyway, how would you handle this. the mom is constantly asking me for a time to get together

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

How old are your kids?

I ask because if your kids are older, it's often best to follow your kids' lead. You could ask your kids why they want them over, maybe even (casually) ask if it bothers them when they are ignored. But for the most part, if they are older, I find it's best to let the kids work these things out (with some guidance of course.)

If your kid is younger, you make the call.

Either way, you should never dread or feel uncomfortable with anyone in your home. If it causes stess, don't have them over.

As for the older child, why do they have to come. Is it a babysitting problem or is it just so they are included. I have friend swho believe all the kids should be invited to everything (playdates, parties, etc). I totally disagree. I think it's ok for them to have their own time and friends. Not to "exclude" anyone, but if this 11 year old is much older then there is no wonder there is issues.

 

[5boyz]

Ok mickeymomofthree....Omg, are you sure you are not me..... I feel exactly the same way!!!! I have 6 kids and made sure they all had their time with their friends and parties and if the others got upset I told them they will have their time with their friends and parties. I had to tell my sister she did not have to invite ALL her friends kids to her son's BD parties.....it was costing her $600 twice a year for a kids party, she would have mom's and dads and bro and sis....she has now cut that out....

 

[mjmoon]

If you don't feel comfortable with these children in your home, don't have them over.

My rule is if someone comes over here to play with one of my boys, they are not allowed to leave anyone out. My boys are brothers and playmates and anyone over here playing will play with both of them, or they can not come over.

However, I would never expect both my son's be included at a friend's home for a playdate. If someone invites one of them I'd happily bring him over by himself to play.. or course if I'm going to stay and visit with the other parent during the "date" both son's will likely have to be there since I can't leave one home alone.

Does the mom of these children stay and visit during the playdates? If so, maybe the playdates are as much about mom having some time with you as it is the kids getting together to play.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

5Boyz---Great Minds Think Alike!!!!

 

[npmommie]

yes, its a mom date too.......LOL........since we are friends we usually always stay when we get the kids together, but now its difficult because of the older one, and she always wants both included, she would never just bring her 8 yo over.
she sent me what I thought was an offensive email this morning accusing me of ignoring her and why wasn't I answering her about a playdate, she asked me tuesday night, and i was going to email her back today, i mean geez give a person a chance!

I feel like telling her I thought her email was rude, but I don't think I will, i actually have a draft sitting in my email to her saying this.
also everytime they come over here her 11 yo takes it upon himself to try to explore my house, asking me if he can go upstairs......its kind of annoying LOL......
I just don't know if I should say something or not about how I felt about the last get together, and about her offensive email.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

That's tough if it is a friend. Why don't you suggest meeting at a McDonald's with a plyground or Chuck E Cheese or something (a park when the weather is good). It may be better to not have it in your home. It's a tough call when you want to keep a friendship so a seperate location might be a good idea. Plus, the 11 yo can find someone his own age to play with. I know when we got to Chuck E Cheese and stuff my kids make lots of friends for the day.

 

[5boyz]

mom of 3....again good call, besides I'm sure he cant take a tour of Ronald's or Chuckee's house.....or maybe he can!

 

[mjmoon]

Meeting at McD's or a park is a great idea.. I have friends that have older children and I've had luck telling them that while their older kids are always welcome here, they will likely get bored since everything in our home is geared for younger children. Often, that is all it takes for the older kids to get left at home with dad.

When she brings the 11 YO over, does she even have the option to leave him behind? She may not have a choice if nobody is home to keep an eye on him, ya know?

 

[Erin1700]

If you need more time to think about it, just send an email that says "I havent forgotten about you, I will be in touch ASAP!"

I like the meeting other places thing too.

I have a friend like this whose daughter always wants to go around my house, but she is 5. not exactly common for an 11 yr old to act like that.

 

[mjkacmom]

I feel sorry for the 11 year old! I can't imagine any of my older kids wanting to go along on a younger sibling's playdate. Now that the older ones are 10 and 12, when we get invited over for dinner at friends' homes who only have younger children, we give them the option of staying home, or finding something to do with a friend. I'm friends with a lot of moms who's oldest kids are the same age as my youngest kids, and I socialize with them, and leave the big kids at home.

 

[ilandrazdsw]

2 suggestions/questions...

If you would prefer for you the 2 younger children to play together could you say, "I'm so sorry I have so much to do around the house today, but DD would really like to spend time with __. Would it be possible to pick her us (or come home after school) and I'll bring her home?"
AND
"I really miss that we couldn't get together, would your schedule allow for us to meet for coffee/lunch in the near future...you know...just the girls?"

On a general basis a neutral ground is a great idea!

Could you casually ask the older child in front of his mother something like, "Not really interested in their games, huh...do you enjoy these playdates?" That could be an opening for a conversation maybe she just doesn't see what you are seeing. Or just be prepared with something geared towards the older child...not that it is you responsibility at all!!!