Would you pay this bill?

[Anewman]

Should HE call HER? Of course! But she can only wait so long for him to pull his head out of his butt and contact her. Meanwhile she doesn't know if he is dead, missing, having a nervous breakdown or is just being a butt head jerk. I'd say at this point she should just call him and get it over with. Whatever sorry excuse he has, she can take it from there and decide what to do. I'd drop him like a hot potato no matter what his excuse, myself, but this is for her to decide.

Yes she does know, his mom called him.

 

[Marie17]

Sorry, I do not see it this way.

Would anyone want to spend the rest of their life with somebody that is NOT SURE or "needs a break".

She did nothing wrong, he did so IMO she needs to do nothing to try to resolve things with him. Why would Him leaving mean that she "needs" to make the call??? If anyone needs to make the call it is him...

Well, that's a little bit of a childish reply. It seems like someone needs to be an adult and take a little responsibility - she doesn't really need to wait for him to call her unless she would rather wait to see what he has decided on. She should make the call - she seems to be trying to get some things figured out and being responsible for her kid.

Another issue too.

First off, we only have one side here. No disrespect to the OP but we have her side. We don't know if an argument was taking place and a cooling off time period happened when he said I just need to go think.... Maybe that time frame for cooling off happened to last longer than just a few hours like it might have been expected. I don't know unless more of the situation is posted and I personally don't believe the original poster needs to do that or would want to do that.

We just don't know and probably never will unless he comes on to this board to post. I don't think that will happen.

 

[Chicago526]

Yes she does know, his mom called him.

I thought the MIL said she would try and get ahold of him, not that she has done so already, but maybe I misread that.

But you think she should just proceed with divorce without talking to him first? Granted, I think the guy just up and abandoned them, but on the off chance something is legitamatly wrong (maybe he really does have a mental illness and truely needs help) I think she should talk to him.

 

[Anewman]

But you think she should just proceed with divorce without talking to him first? Granted, I think the guy just up and abandoned him, but on the off chance something is legitamatly wrong (maybe he really does have a mental illness and truely needs help) I think she should talk to him.

I can only speak for myself, but I could not spend anytime with anyone that I had to convince to come back to me(for whatever reason), that is just me.

 

[twinklebug]

OK - Since I'm so exposed here, and only three folk on the DIS know who I am... 2 are my own kids I will tell more...

Just so you know, no arguments preceeded his leaving us. He does have a history of mental issues as I think I posted before. Depression etc, but he refuses to see anyone or take the medication the one person he did see had prescribed for him ("I won't do drugs" he said)

We do not have any joint debts. I learned my lessong the hard way years ago not to share credit cards with DH as he has no control. Over the summer, specifically when the kids and I went on vacation, DH opened numerous credit accounts in his own name (I see now he was planning to take off). Our shared bank account is empty (I just checked it and he has been trying to access it via the web but doesn't have the password) I guess he just wants to make sure I'm broke? or maybe he plans on taking the $50 I promised to the insurance company.

We rent, don't own. Lease is in both our names. 9 more months remaining on the lease.

I have no income to speak of. I am on the phone most of the day with recruiters or modifying my resume for each and every job they find. An impossible task to take a Pjt Mgr/ programmer resume and turn it into a Tech writer. I'll head back over to Wallyworld tomorrow to see if I can get a part time position so there's SOMETHING there.

I cannot live with this man anymore. I don't think I can even look at him for what he's done to me and the kids. Split my heart in 2 - OK, I deserved it for being taken in by his "I'll morph into whoever you want me to be" ways which he does with everyone.But split my kids' hearts in two and ... well, let's say I did warn him.

Adding he has never taken responsibilty for any of his actions. Really, really imature & I don't understand why I didnt' see this before we married 14 years back.

 

[chell]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Sadly I do know what it is like to be married to a man who doesn't pull his own weight. Maybe you can at least find a seasonal job to get you through until you find the job for you. Sending you tons of luck and PD.

 

[Chicago526]

I can only speak for myself, but I could not spend anytime with anyone that I had to convince to come back to me(for whatever reason), that is just me.

I wouldn't either, and didn't sugest she do so. Just that she should call him to find out what the heck is going on with him. She's posted since saying she is sure he left them, so it looks like it's a moot point, unless she just wants to tell him it's over and not to the let door hit him in the butt on the way out.

OP, it looks like you're secure from him, but I'd double check to make sure he doesn't have access to something you've forgotten about, and I'd also still put a fraud alert on yourself with the credit buearus incase he tries to open accounts in your own name. Do the same with your kids social security numbers. I've heard horror stories of parents using their kids numbers to open accounts, and the kids credit is ruined before they are even 18! And make copies of any assets in his name, like retirement accounts and such, incase he tries to hide assets and funds.

 

[twinklebug]

Do the same with your kids social security numbers. I've heard horror stories of parents using their kids numbers to open accounts, and the kids credit is ruined before they are even 18! And make copies of any assets in his name, like retirement accounts and such, incase he tries to hide assets and funds.

Good point, I forgot that we had returned home from vacation (which, btw I had encourrage him to come with us but he refused) to find credit card denials in my 9yo sons' name. I cornered DH on it and he admitted that he had applied for a few cards in his name, but there was no problem as they were all denied.

Attempted to lock DS's credit bureau accounts from him, but 1) in MA you can't lock an account 2) DH has a perfect right to apply for credit in DS' name (I don't understand this) and 3) Flagging the accounts of a minor require paperwork - quite a bit of it and info I'm not happy sending through the mail.

DS was an unknown before, but now his name is active with the credit bureaus and we're getting card solicitations for him almost daily.

 

[Oreo Cookie]

Op - I'm so sorry to hear what your are going through! Since your husband has mental illness issues that he refuses to address, there is nothing you can do to help him. He needs to help himself.

You need to take care of yourself and your children. There has been excellent advise given on this board, and contacting a lawyer is necessary - you need to protect yourself.

I hope everything works out for you.

 

[DisneyFunfor3]

Hi Twinklebug,

It's the blunt one here. I'm glad to see that you are becoming braver and grabbing the bull by the horns. Getting a hold of a lawyer -- I'm so proud of you -- regardless of what you do -- at least you (and the kiddies) will be protected. Don't beat yourself up -- we all choose to overlook somethings in the name of love and family!

I know it's odd seeing how a complete stranger says she's proud of you -- but credit must be given when it is deserved.

Now for the hits -- keep and get your MIL out of it. You likely need to call her and tell her you shouldn't have involved her in the first place -- no need to listen to her whine or criticize you -- just an apology that you involved her in the first place and then a goodbye. I'm glad to see that you are going to the police BUT they may ask why you haven't attempted to contact the rat. Please legitimately try to contact the rat first. If you get no reply -- then you can go to the police. Make sure your document EVERYTHING -- abandonment often helps when the proverbial stuff hits the fan in divorce court.

Good luck on the job thing. Try to get some type of temporary order of child support (a good lawyer will help with that) while he is gone/you are separated.

Document ALL of your assets and HIS too. Get a hold of every statement you can and put them in a place that he can't get them. DON'T leave them at your house!!!

Be sure to post occassionally and let us know how you are. It seems like a lot of people are cheering for you...inlcuding me!

Karen

 

[magicmato]

I don't remember anyone saying this, but I would also open a bank account in your own name tomorrow. I would take all your money (I know, you don't have any right now) and put it there so he cannot take it as soon as you put it in.

 

[canwegosoon]

We do not have any joint debts. I learned my lesson the hard way years ago not to share credit cards with DH as he has no control. Over the summer, specifically when the kids and I went on vacation, DH opened numerous credit accounts in his own name (I see now he was planning to take off). Our shared bank account is empty (I just checked it and he has been trying to access it via the web but doesn't have the password) I guess he just wants to make sure I'm broke? or maybe he plans on taking the $50 I promised to the insurance company.

We rent, don't own. Lease is in both our names. 9 more months remaining on the lease.

I have no income to speak of. I am on the phone most of the day with recruiters or modifying my resume for each and every job they find. An impossible task to take a Pjt Mgr/ programmer resume and turn it into a Tech writer. I'll head back over to Wallyworld tomorrow to see if I can get a part time position so there's SOMETHING there.

First of all, I wish you the best...You have to start thinking fast...can you apply for food stamps, or go to a local food pantry. You really need to make any money you have go further. MA has lower fuel for emergencies...I would say leaving someone right as winter is setting in the NE is an emergency..call. Do you have an interview suit..there are agencies out there that will help you get one for little or no cost. I would suggest you apply to companies that might allow for additional training or lateral transfers. Is there any possible help from your landlord...you might want to be upfront and tell him what has happened...you might be able to have some wiggle room.

But please get to the police and an attorney asap. How are the kids holding up? You might want to check with their school for a few trips to the school counselor. Also you will want to notify the school that your DH is not to pick up the girls with out your consent.
Also FYI http://www.itasoftware.com/careers/
Good Luck

 

[summerrluvv]

Why is everyone suggesting she call the police? He's not missing if he left on his own free will and she knows he is okay since he has read her messages. That is a waste of police time.

She needs to get a lawyer..and if she cannot afford one at this present time, at the very least go down to the family court and petition for child support in the meantime.

Good luck OP.

 

[Amlee]

OK - Since I'm so exposed here, and only three folk on the DIS know who I am... 2 are my own kids I will tell more...

Just so you know, no arguments preceeded his leaving us. He does have a history of mental issues as I think I posted before. Depression etc, but he refuses to see anyone or take the medication the one person he did see had prescribed for him ("I won't do drugs" he said)

We do not have any joint debts. I learned my lessong the hard way years ago not to share credit cards with DH as he has no control. Over the summer, specifically when the kids and I went on vacation, DH opened numerous credit accounts in his own name (I see now he was planning to take off). Our shared bank account is empty (I just checked it and he has been trying to access it via the web but doesn't have the password) I guess he just wants to make sure I'm broke? or maybe he plans on taking the $50 I promised to the insurance company.

We rent, don't own. Lease is in both our names. 9 more months remaining on the lease.

I have no income to speak of. I am on the phone most of the day with recruiters or modifying my resume for each and every job they find. An impossible task to take a Pjt Mgr/ programmer resume and turn it into a Tech writer. I'll head back over to Wallyworld tomorrow to see if I can get a part time position so there's SOMETHING there.

I cannot live with this man anymore. I don't think I can even look at him for what he's done to me and the kids. Split my heart in 2 - OK, I deserved it for being taken in by his "I'll morph into whoever you want me to be" ways which he does with everyone.But split my kids' hearts in two and ... well, let's say I did warn him.

Adding he has never taken responsibilty for any of his actions. Really, really imature & I don't understand why I didnt' see this before we married 14 years back.

If you are truly sure you are ready to follow through with this, you need to do a few CYA things.

Get a lawyer ASAP! Take with you, Your title for your car, your lease, the information about your son, if you can access the joint banking account. Make a copy of all the resent transaction, so that you have proof of him "planning" this. Get a job, so you will look better in the courts. Also since he was the sole support in the family, He should have to pay and pay through the nose.

Start yourself a file of all things that you EVEN think might help you in this. DO NOT KEEP THIS IN YOUR HOME. Have it in a place that he want think about. Also have yourself a place to go for when he shows back up. I would file a missing person's report so you will have documented proof as to when he left the family. Go file for the seperation and temp custody. Until this is done, he has the right to come and go in the house as he please, and he also has the rights to the kids. Meaning if they are school age, he can go get them at school or daycare and you wouldn't know about it. Also let the schools know what is going on to prevent that from happening, but you have to have the right paper work to do this.


Good luck with this!

 

[Obi-Wan Pinobi]

Why is everyone suggesting she call the police? He's not missing if he left on his own free will and she knows he is okay since he has read her messages. That is a waste of police time.

Documented proof that he abandoned his family like this by having a police report that he is missing will go a long way for her in court during the divorce.

Plus, do we know for sure he is actually reading the messages? Has his Mom actually talked to him? Anyone can pick up someone's cell phone or email and read the message if they have access to it.

 

[momrek06]

Documented proof that he abandoned his family like this by having a police report that he is missing will go a long way for her in court during the divorce.

That is excellent advice, Twink! You are going to need to start documenting and saving everything. Keep journals. I had a good friend that kept a daily journal of what went on throughout her separation leading to her divorce. You might want to do this as well.

 

[j's m]

I don't remember anyone saying this, but I would also open a bank account in your own name tomorrow. I would take all your money (I know, you don't have any right now) and put it there so he cannot take it as soon as you put it in.

But make sure the bank account is in a different bank than your joint account or any bank that he has accounts in.

 

[twinklebug]

DH just emailed me (I guess his mom getting in touch with him spurred a tiny sense of responsibilty, or, as I said before he's just morphing into what looks good for the time being)

The lowdown...

no explainations,
no I'm fines, no I'm not fines,
no I miss the kids.

it's about money and simply said he'll deposit money in the account so I can pay rent plus a couple bills. Said he'll take care of his own rent, the car payment and insurance (meaning his own vehicle I'm sure)

Ugh. Get a job Twinklebug. Get one fast because there's no counting on any of this.

The heartbreaker of all this is my 9yo came to me tonight in tears asked "WHY can't dad just come home?" My only response was to hold him and say "I can't explain what's going on with him, we'll be OK though."

 

[magicmato]

DH just emailed me (I guess his mom getting in touch with him spurred a tiny sense of responsibilty, or, as I said before he's just morphing into what looks good for the time being)

The lowdown...

no explainations,
no I'm fines, no I'm not fines,
no I miss the kids.

it's about money and simply said he'll deposit money in the account so I can pay rent plus a couple bills. Said he'll take care of his own rent, the car payment and insurance (meaning his own vehicle I'm sure)

Ugh. Get a job Twinklebug. Get one fast because there's no counting on any of this.

The heartbreaker of all this is my 9yo came to me tonight in tears asked "WHY can't dad just come home?" My only response was to hold him and say "I can't explain what's going on with him, we'll be OK though."

The moment that money is in the account, REMOVE it, lest he change his mind. The courts would not fault you for taking money for your kids, I imagine.

 

[cepmom]

The heartbreaker of all this is my 9yo came to me tonight in tears asked "WHY can't dad just come home?" My only response was to hold him and say "I can't explain what's going on with him, we'll be OK though."

I'm so sorry. This breaks my heart
You have had some great advice so far. Please stay strong and contact a lawyer. For someone to do this to his family is just so wrong.I'll be thinking of you