Would you let your teenager do this? (Another Parenting Thing)

[tjbaggott]

The facts: my DS16 has his very first girlfriend. She is the same age, in the same grade ect. and in my opinion, a very nice girl. If my son is going to have a girlfriend at this age, I definately approve of this girl.

Now, my son asked me the other day if in August he can go to the cottage of a co-worker who has invited a group of people up the cottage for a long weekend. I said sure, as long as I'm able to talk to the parents to make sure all is ok. Last night my son said "so you will let me go to the cottage?". Again I said as long as I can talk to a parent so that I know an adult is in charge, then YES. He got sullen then and sulky. I asked him why this was an issue for him. He said, there was no parents going it was just a group from work. I told him that if there was no adult going, then he could NOT go.
This morning, he said "So you won't let me go to the cottage?" I said if there is an adult blah blah blah. (I started to think I'm sounding like a broken record)!
He said, "well there is no adult, it's just a bunch of us from work wanting a parent free weekend at a cottage we will all chip in to rent, Why won't you let me go.
This is how the rest went:
Me: Because there is no adult in charge
DS: Why won't you let me go just because there is no adult there?
Me: Because I'm a responsible parent.
DS: You aren't being fair.

I never said anything after that, as far as I'm concerned, the case is closed. As much as I trust him and his girlfriend, I KNOW what Teenagers, espcecially those who THINK they are in love, can be like. I used to be ONE!
I can't imagine there are any parents out there that would think these plans are ok. (ok, at least not responsible ones). I know for him, this is not the end of the conversation, so from now on I'll say you have my answer, now go bug your dad.

By the time my younger two are teenagers, I'm sure I'll be a pro at these things, but WOW, I'm starting to realize how hard it is to parent a teenager (he's my first teenage BOY).

 

[jakoky]

Isnt parenting teenagers fun

I have 3 teenagers, my oldest dd just turned 18 and is gradding in 2 1/2 weeks...my ds turns 16 next month, and my youngest dd will be 14 in september...

Now, you are totally doing the right thing...i am assuming this is overnight...I would be telling my 16 year old NO WAY!!!!! My oldest dd just went on her first friends only /no parents camping trip this may, and she had already turned 18....I now her boyfriend was there, and it was hard for me to let her, but i had promised for 2 years she could camp the may before she gradded....

Anyways, i wish you luck, i know how grumpy teens can be

sharon

 

[disneynuts777]

Try being the parent of a teenage girl the same age

My answer no matter what would be "NO"
I would be crazy with worry. Who would even be driving?!!!
I get the your not fair card all the time but I know where my DD is and who she and I know that she is safe. I would like to keep it that way for a couple more years.....I hope.
Good luck ans stick to your guns!!!

 

[Ham Ham]

How old is the oldest person going up?

Also a teenager or a mature supervisor or manager from work?

My DD 15 has a gang of friends since JK an I would not let her go away on a party week-end with them unsupervised and ther all great kids.
Couldn't imagine letting her go away with a group of strangers.

Then again I don't know you son and how mature he is.
As far as taking up his GF they don't need to be away to get into hanky panky or do drugs or drink.

Being a parent isn't about being fair it's about responsibility.

A girl I went to HS with was away at University. Her and some friends went camping took some acid ,tragically fell down a cliff and three of them passed away.

 

[Tantor]

nope, you did the right thing. I wouldn't till they were 18

 

[maiapapaya]

You are definitely doing the right thing. It's not just the boyfriend/girl friend thing, as a pp said, if they're going to do it, they'll do it.
My issues would be a group of teenagers partying at a cottage for a weekend. Safe transportation to & from would be a concern. Drinking and probably a water front location would be a problem for me. Years ago a friend's grandson was at such an affair and went out canoeing with a couple of other guys (they'd been drinking). They never made it back. I could go on, but I just can't see how any responsible parent would let their sixteen year old participate in an unsupervised cottage party weekend.

 

[tjbaggott]

Exactly, my points as well! I remember going to a cottage when I was a teenager (not 16 but 18). I remember what happened there, the drinking, the hanky panky amongst some and the adult in charge was my then boyfriends older sister. Even though she was in her early 20's, I strongly feel that now that I'm a parent, the adult in charge to make it ok with me would have to be someone old enough to be these teens parent! And even then, I would have to have a long conversation with them in order to get a sense of how responsible a parent they are.
Yes, if kids are going to do things they can find a place anywhere, but I won't help set up the circumstances by giving permssion for this kind of getaway.
My son has somewhat of a good head on his shoulders (I say somewhat becasue he actually asked about this cottage thing, WHAT, did he actually think I might agree to it?) But he has given up friends who have gotten invovled with simply smoking, and others who then got into drugs. I'm proud of him for being able to make those decisions.
Ha, I'll have to remind of this incident when he has a 16 year old!

 

[KiKi Mouse]

OP I agree 100% with your response.
You should talk to the gf's parents and see what they think of her being alone with your son all weekend...LOL

I would be worried about the drinking, maybe other stuff and the stupid things teenagers do in general.

 

[rjan67]

Nope you did the right thing. Too many things could happen without someone there to supervise or act if there is an emergency!

 

[BitsnBearsMom]

As a parent of a 15yo ds there is not a single chance I would let him go to a 'weekend away' with no adult supervisors either! I used to be a teenager once upon a time and I KNOW what happens when there is no supervision - regardless of how responsible your child may be there will be other kids there and who knows how responsible they are!!

I constantly get the 'not fair' card played also!

 

[LittleFlounder]

As an aunt of a 16 year old nephew, I say No! You should definitely not let him go alone without an adult. I've seen too many times already with him already what can happen when you've got a group of teens alone with no supervision, and its been at home in our city/neighborhood.. not even at a cottage.

 

[abirdd]

My mom had this exact conversation with me when I was 16...
At the time, I was devastated and downright hated my mom for not understanding my need for a parent free weekend.
Now as an adult, I TOTALLY understand the decision.

Hard call to make, but you're in the right. If an adult guarantees they will be around to supervise then I'd think about it. No adult, no go.

 

[AndyMcV]

You did the right thing no question. There's no way I'd allow my (he's 9 now) son when he's 16 to go off to a cottage with his girlfriend and a group of other teenagers that I don't know with no parents around. I had a pretty colourful set of teenage years myself and I definitely know how easily things can go bad with situations like that.

The only thing I'd add would be to make sure that you and your husband are on the same page before your son tries to talk with him. The last thing you want to do is put your husband inbetween that discussion between you and your son.

 

[tjbaggott]

You did the right thing no question. There's no way I'd allow my (he's 9 now) son when he's 16 to go off to a cottage with his girlfriend and a group of other teenagers that I don't know with no parents around. I had a pretty colourful set of teenage years myself and I definitely know how easily things can go bad with situations like that.

The only thing I'd add would be to make sure that you and your husband are on the same page before your son tries to talk with him. The last thing you want to do is put your husband inbetween that discussion between you and your son.

My son must have gotten the message clearly as he has NOT mentioned any more about it. DH and I are absolutely on the same page. The difference is, DH just gives a loud "NO" with no explanation, whereas mine always come with some conversation. Thus the kids have learned to come to me first. Depending on the issue, I will tell them, "Let me discuss it with Daddy first, then I'll let you know". Unless it's a situation such as been dicussed in this thread, I don't need to talk it over with DH, because I KNOW his response was also going to be NO. (Though he is informed of such things).
AHH, Kids, I know many parents deal with stuff much worse. In all my imaginings of what I would deal with, with my kids, the reality never comes close to what I imagine.
My oldest, my DD17, is different, because she's a girl? But she too has pushed the parental buttons in her teenage years, differently and so far has never made the same error twice.
I still feel new to this teenage parenting stuff, and although I'm sure most of the time I handle things ok, It is nice to hear others would have done the same!
Thanks everyone!

 

[angela1044]

I'm glad you stood your ground.

I'm wondering though who would rent a cottage to teenagers. Are they crazy!!

 

[tjbaggott]

I'm glad you stood your ground.

I'm wondering though who would rent a cottage to teenagers. Are they crazy!!

I think some of the group that is/was going are actually 19 to 23. Renters would actually rent to 20 somethings. Basically as long as you have a Drivers Licencse for I.D. and a credit card, most cottage renters will rent.

 

[sampson]

i don't want any flames. I rememeber being that age(20 now). I was abit older when i started but my bro was 16 when he started going camping with friends. we did have parents free nights. (we would always camp within an hour away from my parents house, and they knew where we were. and always told us that they migth be checking in) it might be were we grew up because all our friends our parents are friends with them too. and we always got along if a parent came and chilled with us.. usually my aunt and uncle would be there. and their daughter would be there. (same age as bro.)

so the big question is do u know the kids. i know that one of my parents things, almost everone had cars so if something happen. we were all responsible and took care of each other if anything happen.

I just wanted to put the other view. and like another post said if they want to do it they will..

I remeber those as one of my best memorise of high school, and it wasn't the drink (cause i'm 99% a DD), it was the bonds and connection we made with each other. Now that we are not in the same town, it was great to have those time..

hopefully you see the other side.

 

[Ham Ham]

Acceptable chaperons?

 

[tjbaggott]

on the acceptable chaperones!
As far as seeing the other side, there would be a seeing it IF I knew these other kids, but I don't, so there is no other side. I don't know them, never have seen them, never heard of them before, don't know their families. If I did, it definately would be different. I don't think my son even knows them all that well, they are just some people he works with at Walmart and some friends of friends ect...

My son's OK with it now, he's not angry (thanks to his girlfriend. It seems that since they've been dating, he's been much more agreeable, more helpful, less argumentative ect... all good), and I also must pin some of it down to, he understands my reasons are valid.

 

[laura001]

I also agree with you....TOTALLY!!! We have had 3 teens and there is NO WAY that any of them (girls or boys) would have been allowed to go away without parental supervision at the age of 16. The first time that our kids were allowed to do anything like that was when they graduated high school.

A few other points. First of all....I would find it very difficult to believe that any cottage would rent to a group of young kids.

Second....he may feel like you are being unfair, but what I have learned is that when it comes to crunch time most of the other parents of 16 year olds aren't going to let their kids go either. The kids are all doing the same thing to their parents, AND....funny enough, you will find that if the parents have said the teen can go, they don't really have the CLEAR picture of what is going on (either because they have been lied to and they fell for it or they didn't ask the right questions). Usually in the end, the whole thing falls through and the kids don't go, and all was for not! If your child wants to go that badly and is really upset, there is usually more to the picture than what you are seeing, which includes not wanting to go and tell his peers that his parents won't let him go.

Third.............it will blow over and you will be onto the next challenge. Sometimes I also try to find something that I feel comfortable with, and would still give them a little freedom and responsibility.