Would you "let" your child go to college 700+ miles from home- and UA

[tcox82]

OP- I went to Alabama on a very similar scholarship, graduated in '05. PM me if you have any questions I could answer. I grew up in GA, so not that far... but still, any questions about the school...

 

[Art 1]

My kids went where they chose. They were adults.

It's not a question of "let". At 18, they were adults and could do what they wanted... on their own dime.

Stunting your ADULT child's choices because of YOUR insecurities seems like a jerk move, no?

Some parents pay for their children to go away to college and have input on where they go. And some children are raised to take into consideration what their parents have to say. I think those are the one's the OP is asking about.

 

[jsmith]

My oldest had an acedemic full ride to clemson-and he had just turned 17. We live in Colorado-Denver at that time. It was a 21 hour drive or a two hour drive followed by about4 to 7 hours of air travel depending on whether he went from Charlotte or Atlanta. He went-and it was good for both of us. He is a graduate student at the University of Michigan now-but lives a few blocks from Ohio State-his wife works in Columbus.

 

[DoeWDW]

DS was 6 hours away. DD was 10 hours away. They've both graduated from college (DS last June and DD this past June).

It was hard but they learned so much being so far away. They became independent. We had weekly phone calls and we texted A LOT! Facebook was a great communication tool too.

I did make sure they both had newer cars. They were driving up and down the interstate to come home and I didn't want them worrying about breaking down. That was an extra expense but well worth it for my piece of mind. We also had AAA Gold coverage for them.

DS could've taken his major closer to home but the price was better and the program was a good fit. DD was in a very specific program so she really didn't have as many choices for colleges. The college she chose (10 hours away) was the closest of her options.

Several times my DH would drive the 10 hours with DD and then fly home or vice versa, especially early in her college years.

 

[MrsPete]

That is where that 6 hour thing comes in--realizing that 4 hours is "travel time". The airport is only about 15 minutes from our house so non-issue there. Even if they are 4 hours away, that 4 hours turns into 8 for YOU if you have to go pick them up and 2 hours away turns into 4 so a 2 hour flight isn't any different really.

Our oldest took the bus back and forth to college. That worked well for us and him--the bus dropped him off at the building right next to his dorm.

Well, let's measure real times:

From our house to one of the schools my daughter's considering:

1 hour to the airport
1 hour to get through security
1 hour in the air
30 minutes to be picked up, drive to campus

3.5 hours total travel time at a cost of $418 (I said, we live in the land of high airfare). In actuality, it'd be more -- I didn't click through to the page that adds the taxes and fees.

Same school, driving the 200 miles in my Honda takes 4 hours at a cost of eight dollars. 30 minutes more, $410 more.

If I drive her, I have to drive home again -- that's another four hours for me and another eight dollars. Obviously, lots of things come into play here: Do I want to stay the weekend at the beach, or am I going to turn around and make the drive home in one day? That answer'll vary from trip to trip. And we have family in that area, so that plays into it.


Let's say she goes to University of Alabama, which is completely hypothetical for me:

1 hour to the airport
1 hour through security
1.5 hours in the air
30 minutes to be picked up, drive to school

Total of 4 hours transportation time at a cost of -- ironic -- again, $418.

If we make the drive to Birmingham, that's 413 miles /7 hours 9 minutes from my house. So that's approximately $17 ($34 round trip) in my Honda. But I can't drive back the same day and don't have family there, so I'd also need a hotel room for the night. And a couple meals on the road.

So driving round-trip would cost about $250, depending on what type of meals we ate on the road. I'm also assuming that both parents would go on this trip for the long drive back.

My assessment: Attending the 200-mile away school is in no way worth an expensive flight. Attending a 400-mile school is kind of borderline; it's a two-day trip, but $418 is not a drop in the bucket.

I'd much rather she attend the 200-mile school so she can come home once a month.

 

[dzorn]

My DD is considering the University of Alabama for college based on a very generous scholarship she could get there. It is a 12 hour ride by car from our home. Yes, I know she'll be 18 and it should be her choice but it is hard for me to even think of her being that far away. Does you student attend college far from home? How do you make it work? Do you ever worry that if there is some kind of emergency for your child they'd be hard to get to? The scholarship almost makes the school too hard to pass up, but I still worry.

I would not think twice if that is what my child wanted.

Denise in MI

 

[beaucoup]

She's an adult. If you don't let go now, when? I believe that those that realize that and act accordingly end up with better relationships with their adult offspring compared to those that hold on for years and years.

 

[onelilspark]

I went to school 10 hours from home, my brother went 20 hours from home. My fiance went to a school that was 8 hours from his home.

I'm extremely close with my family. I was concerned that if I went to school close to home that I would be home every weekend if I was able. By going to school so far away, I couldn't come home all the time. It allowed me to learn to be independent while under the safety net of college and my parents. I couldn't get home for all holidays (especially Easter) so I would join my new friends' families for those weekends. I would imagine that in an emergency, I would join their families as well.

I couldn't imagine not having the experience of being away from home for college. While I know it's not for everyone, I really don't believe it's wise to limit your child. When I graduated, I moved to an entirely new state for a job. Because I already had the experience of going somewhere new for school, I wasn't afraid of things that were to come, I knew I'd be fine. The experience of needing to be independent gave me the confidence to succeed and be the person who I am today.

I would not limit your child.

 

[MrsPete]

My kids went where they chose. They were adults.

It's not a question of "let". At 18, they were adults and could do what they wanted... on their own dime.

Stunting your ADULT child's choices because of YOUR insecurities seems like a jerk move, no?

Disagree.

My 17-year old is making college choices right now. She is still a child in every sense. She has to make her college choice before her 18th birthday. That magical number will make her legally an adult, but being 18 won't suddenly fill her with adult experiences and maturity -- those only come with time. It's my job to guide her towards good choices.

When looking at colleges, I consider a whole lot of things that she glosses over. For example, I take her safety a whole lot more seriously, whereas she figures everyone's going to be her friend and it'll all just work out in the end anyway. Another example, when we started looking, she didn't understand that it's a big deal that two of "her schools" provide textbooks for free -- now she understands that's a number significant enough to put into the budget. So many things that she just doesn't know yet; thus, she needs guidance in choosing the school. That's not being a dictator. It's being a good parent.

Plus, we have about ten state schools that offer the major she wants (that doesn't even begin to consider the private schools). Big schools, small schools, urban schools, rural schools, prestigious schools, average schools. She has excellent choices right here at in-state prices. She will not be denied any opportunities -- well, except the opportunity to go into debt by paying out-of-state-tuition -- by staying closer to home.

 

[golfgal]

Well, let's measure real times:

From our house to one of the schools my daughter's considering:

1 hour to the airport
1 hour to get through security
1 hour in the air
30 minutes to be picked up, drive to campus

3.5 hours total travel time at a cost of $418 (I said, we live in the land of high airfare). In actuality, it'd be more -- I didn't click through to the page that adds the taxes and fees.

Same school, driving the 200 miles in my Honda takes 4 hours at a cost of eight dollars. 30 minutes more, $410 more.

If I drive her, I have to drive home again -- that's another four hours for me and another eight dollars. Obviously, lots of things come into play here: Do I want to stay the weekend at the beach, or am I going to turn around and make the drive home in one day? That answer'll vary from trip to trip. And we have family in that area, so that plays into it.


Let's say she goes to University of Alabama, which is completely hypothetical for me:

1 hour to the airport
1 hour through security
1.5 hours in the air
30 minutes to be picked up, drive to school

Total of 4 hours transportation time at a cost of -- ironic -- again, $418.

If we make the drive to Birmingham, that's 413 miles /7 hours 9 minutes from my house. So that's approximately $17 ($34 round trip) in my Honda. But I can't drive back the same day and don't have family there, so I'd also need a hotel room for the night. And a couple meals on the road.

So driving round-trip would cost about $250, depending on what type of meals we ate on the road. I'm also assuming that both parents would go on this trip for the long drive back.

My assessment: Attending the 200-mile away school is in no way worth an expensive flight. Attending a 400-mile school is kind of borderline; it's a two-day trip, but $418 is not a drop in the bucket.

I'd much rather she attend the 200-mile school so she can come home once a month.

Which is exactly what we DON'T want our kids doing. We want them to have to think twice about coming home so they don't run home for every little thing. We want them to get involved in college life and grow beyond what they are in high school, meet new people, develop themselves as adults away from us, but if they NEED to come home, it's not impossible. I certainly would not have a child fly if they were only 200 miles away--here there might not even be an airport to fly FROM at that distance. Once it gets over 500 miles or so, that is when the flights become an option if they NEED to get home for an emergency or whatever. I have NEVER paid more than $250 for a flight anywhere in the US so that helps in our situation. Going away to college needs to be about THEM, not you.

Pricing out flights from our area to where DD is leaning toward going (only 350 miles away-5 hour drive), $218-big deal...

 

[MrsPete]

I'm extremely close with my family. I was concerned that if I went to school close to home that I would be home every weekend if I was able. By going to school so far away, I couldn't come home all the time. It allowed me to learn to be independent while under the safety net of college and my parents. I couldn't get home for all holidays (especially Easter) so I would join my new friends' families for those weekends. I would imagine that in an emergency, I would join their families as well.

Ideally, I'd like to see my girls choose schools in between these two extremes: Not so close that they feel they "should" run home every weekend, but not so far away that they can't come home for a long break like Easter. 2-4 hours away, I think, is just right. Not so close that they can run home haphazzardly without planning, not so far that they can't afford to get home for long weekends. I'd like to see them come home once a month during college -- often enough to stay close and connected, yet still giving them plenty of at-school time too.

Right now, my 17 year old has two "probable schools". One is 2 hours away, the other is 4 hours away. I could see her being successful at either one, AND I'm pleased that they fit my ideal criteria too.

We live less than 30 minutes from one of the state's largest universities, and MANY of our high school students choose that school. Most live at home (and for a whole bunch, that's what they can afford -- when you have to make tough choices . . . oh, well, sometimes you don't do what's ideal), a few live on campus but are able to run home literally any old afternoon -- so they can come home to find a certain CD or to wash clothes. I don't want that for my kids. First, it seems that the kids who do this don't fully commit to their education in the same way that kids who live in a dorm do. Living on campus is a constant reminder that you've dedicated yourself to this goal for the next four years, and it makes it easier to see school as your #1 goal. Second, kids who do this tend to hold onto their high school lives too much -- same friends, same part-time job, in many cases, the same bedroom. It's like 13th grade, just the work's harder.

 

[MrsPete]

Which is exactly what we DON'T want our kids doing. We want them to have to think twice about coming home so they don't run home for every little thing . . . Going away to college needs to be about THEM, not you.

Pricing out flights from our area to where DD is leaning toward going (only 350 miles away-5 hour drive), $218-big deal...

I don't see 2-4 hours as a distance that's doable "for every little thing". I see that as a once-a-month visit drive. That's not just about parents -- it's about family, about reminding the student that she's still part of the family. Leaving campus one weekend a month isn't gong to keep a student from taking full advantage of college life.

Your airline prices are much better than ours. But then, most parts of the country are better than us for airfare. On the other hand, we're right on top of a couple big interstates and don't mind driving long distances.

 

[golfgal]

Ideally, I'd like to see my girls choose schools in between these two extremes: Not so close that they feel they "should" run home every weekend, but not so far away that they can't come home for a long break like Easter. 2-4 hours away, I think, is just right. Not so close that they can run home haphazzardly without planning, not so far that they can't afford to get home for long weekends. I'd like to see them come home once a month during college -- often enough to stay close and connected, yet still giving them plenty of at-school time too.

Right now, my 17 year old has two "probable schools". One is 2 hours away, the other is 4 hours away. I could see her being successful at either one, AND I'm pleased that they fit my ideal criteria too.

We live less than 30 minutes from one of the state's largest universities, and MANY of our high school students choose that school. Most live at home (and for a whole bunch, that's what they can afford -- when you have to make tough choices . . . oh, well, sometimes you don't do what's ideal), a few live on campus but are able to run home literally any old afternoon -- so they can come home to find a certain CD or to wash clothes. I don't want that for my kids. First, it seems that the kids who do this don't fully commit to their education in the same way that kids who live in a dorm do. Living on campus is a constant reminder that you've dedicated yourself to this goal for the next four years, and it makes it easier to see school as your #1 goal. Second, kids who do this tend to hold onto their high school lives too much -- same friends, same part-time job, in many cases, the same bedroom. It's like 13th grade, just the work's harder.

Which is another thing we DO not want, nor do our kids. They do NOT want to go to a college where 50 of their high school friends go.

We regularly make round trip trips of 3-4 hours each way, not a big deal really. Our kids wouldn't think twice about taking a 2 hour trip home to go to a football game and driving back that same day, heck we did a round trip 5 hours each way yesterday--not something I would do on a regular basis but we left at 6:00 AM and got back a little after 10:00PM--with two college visits along the way.

 

[Hannathy]

I'd much rather she attend the 200-mile school so she can come home once a month.

WHY? Why would you want her coming home once a month? She needs to stay on campus and find her niche there. She has graduated high school time to immerse in college. She will find friends there and activities plus school work. Almost all social intermingling happens on the weekend Plus all the school sponsored activities will be on the weekend plus sports will be on the weekends. They would miss out on a lot of things plus probably not feel like they were part of a group if they were always running home.

Most kids don't want to go home every weekend or even every month UNLESS they have a boyfriend or girlfriend back home.

I would feel like there is a problem with my child and her fitting in at her school if she were running home every month. And I would feel like I didn't do a good job growing an independent, mature young adult if they needed to run home all the time.

Time to cut the strings and let them fly.

 

[Hannathy]

This scholarship is great- tuition & room for 4 years plus a few other perks. Even with travel it will cost less than an instate school. But there is the distance.

Wow if my DD had gotten a scholarship like that I'd be wringing her neck if she hadn't already accepted it! How can you do better than that?

so knowing this I really don't get what the problem is.

If it is yours time to let them grow up, you had them 18 yrs and you had your life to live and decide things, now it is their turn.

 

[gillep]

I went to school 4 hours away from my family and it was a very easy 4 hour drive and I certainly did NOT go home once a month. I went home for Christmas and Thanksgiving and for a part of spring break, I didn't usually come home for Easter because we did not have an Easter break. I loved my family but I was at College for a reason and it included academics as well as growing in my personal life; and I felt that it was more necessary to spend that time at school hanging out with friends, developing a network with professors outside of class, and getting the hang of work life balance. Thankfully my parents were completely supportive, they loved it when I came home, but didn't push.

Also there was NO WAY I would go to the local very good state school with 100 of my closest high school class mates just NO. I had a great high school experience, but it was nothing compared to college, where I developed the skills to advance in a great career that I lovem and where I met my husband whom I adore! It was time to be FINISHED with HS and move on to college and it is too difficult to do that at the local good state school in my opinion.

 

[low-key]

that anit nothing, other peoples 18 year old kid are half way around the world, risking there life every day in our military

 

[bsnyder]

One of mine chose a school that was 2000 miles away. It was his dream from the time he started high school, and he worked hard to get accepted, and get a partial scholarship. How could I have not let him go?

 

[Andtototoo]

We live in the upper midwest and dd is looking at a school in FL. My only concern is that she has some health problems and isn't always vigilant about taking her preventative meds. Because of that, we may insist she delays attending that far away until she matures enough to be responsible about her own health.

If not for that, I would not hesitate a moment. Will I worry? Sure. Will I miss her? Sure. However, my anxiety and desire to be with her do NOT outweigh her desires to make it on her own, to go to new places and meet new people. I would never say she couldn't go because I did not want her to. Sorry, that seems very selfish and quite limiting and parenting should be about helping a person become a mature adult who explores the horizons, not is afraid to go beyond the front sidewalk.

This is a red-button issue for me because a few mothers in my dh's family successfully guilted their kids into staying close to them. In two cases, the children turned down incredible educational and employment opportunities and the loss of those opportunities has had negative life-long consequences. But hey, the mothers are happy, so it's okay. Grrrr.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

Leaving campus one weekend a month isn't gong to keep a student from taking full advantage of college life.

One of the most important parts of my college experience for me were my work and volunteer experiences. I ran an afterschool reading program for elementary schoolers, and the Sunday morning childcare program at the Quaker Meeting House. I also taught recreational and life skills classes to teens and adults with mental retardation. These experiences led to my eventual career choice. I think without them I wouldn't have known myself and my passions well enough to have ended up in a career that suited me so well.

All of these things required a commitment on the weekends.

I would also add that I'd prefer my child not have a car at college, at least the first year. Certainly from a financial point of view 3 sets of airfare comes out to far less than gas, and parking, and insurance, and the inevitable tickets that a young person acquires.

I wouldn't rule out schools that are less than 2 hours away, but I would be pleased if I raised a child confident enough to go farther afield. Right now he's only 12 but my son has been convinced for about 5 years that he's going somewhere with good snowboarding. Which will mean at least a 12 hour drive, or more likely a flight out West.