Would You Keep "Fibbing?"

[Lisa F]

I hate to say it this way, but my grandmother has incontinence issues as well and in a lot of ways it's like dealing with a baby. She lives with my parents so my mother bears the brunt of her care.

At night they have a routine. She stops drinking any fluids after dinner. When she goes to bed, she wears a double layer of the depends that are built into the panties and then puts another double layer of the depends pads in. It's a ton of padding, but it does the trick. She also wears vinyl briefs on top of it all as a precaution. My mother gets up around midnight to take her to the bathroom again and she is generally good until 5am when my mom gets up in the morning, when grandma goes to the bathroom one more time and goes back to bed for a few hours until her aide comes to shower her. By "good" i mean that she has not soaked through her depends and her clothes, but she still needs the pads. You might have to set the alarm and get her out of bed once or twice during the night to go to the bathroom so that it's not a big mess in the morning. My mother would rather get up for 5 minutes in the middle of the night than deal with a big mess in the morning (and believe me, it has happened when my mom hasn't gotten up at midnight to take her to the bathroom and/or slept in on the weekends).

She doesn't have "rubber sheets" but she does have this quilted waterproof pad (and uses a double layer of those, just in case) that lays on top of the sheets. They are not very expensive, here is a link to the pad. That should keep the hotel bedding safe.

Hope this helps.

 

[froglady]

Maybe hiring someone to help out would be the best option. You've obviously thought through what it would take to get her there, so you are considering it. Someone to help with the day to day care of her so you wouldn't have to do it all.

You know, that may be it. I do have a niece in RI who is in nursing school. I assume she'll be invited to the wedding (but with my SIL you never know) so I could ask for her assistance...if she's going.

The big problem is that I don't even know which state the wedding will be in; my brother just moved to NH from Mass, but most of SIL's family still lives in Mass, as does the groom's family. IF the wedding is on the Cape, my other SIL will be closer.

So God willing, I'll just hold my nose for 3 days (and nights), tell DH and DS they're on their own, and fly up with her.

 

[snoopy]

Wow, that is a tough one. I can't even begin to imagine what I would do. I feel for you though, I really do.

Let us know how it works out.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

So God willing, I'll just hold my nose for 3 days (and nights), tell DH and DS they're on their own, and fly up with her.

It sounds complicated, but before long you'll know where the wedding will be and can make plans that are a little more concrete. In 6 months from now it could become clearer that your mom shouldn't be going. If you do bring her you might think it's a pain at the time, but you'll treasure those days with her.

 

[froglady]

It sounds complicated, but before long you'll know where the wedding will be and can make plans that are a little more concrete. In 6 months from now it could become clearer that your mom shouldn't be going. If you do bring her you might think it's a pain at the time, but you'll treasure those days with her.

Yes, I do treasure my days with her, even though I spend about 2-3 hours/day during the week on her care. I stop in on Saturday, usually just to chat and drop off clean laundry. Her church family is wonderful and transports her every Sunday, so that's my day off. Otherwise, I'm doing laundry, transporting her to doctor/dentist/grocery, keeping track of her bills, cleaning up after her cat, and resetting her cable, which she manages to reprogram on a daily basis. I hired someone to clean her apartment, and there's a beauty shop in the building, so she always looks nice.

It's still very tiring to run two households, so the prospect of adding another burden is daunting. My life would be so much easier if she were in a nursing home, but I'm fighting tooth and nail to keep it from happening, as it would make HER miserable. If this were a one time effort I would certainly not even think twice about it; it's just adding it to my current "to-do" list on her behalf that makes it so difficult.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Yes, I do treasure my days with her, even though I spend about 2-3 hours/day during the week on her care. I stop in on Saturday, usually just to chat and drop off clean laundry. Her church family is wonderful and transports her every Sunday, so that's my day off. Otherwise, I'm doing laundry, transporting her to doctor/dentist/grocery, keeping track of her bills, cleaning up after her cat, and resetting her cable, which she manages to reprogram on a daily basis. I hired someone to clean her apartment, and there's a beauty shop in the building, so she always looks nice.

It's still very tiring to run two households, so the prospect of adding another burden is daunting. My life would be so much easier if she were in a nursing home, but I'm fighting tooth and nail to keep it from happening, as it would make HER miserable. If this were a one time effort I would certainly not even think twice about it; it's just adding it to my current "to-do" list on her behalf that makes it so difficult.

You are one wonderful daughter! And think of what a great role model you are for your child(ren).

 

[Sandy V.]

You are one wonderful daughter! And think of what a great role model you are for your child(ren).

I agree completely!!

 

[froglady]

As mentioned, it's not too bad if she's at home. I drop DS off in the morning, park at her building, take a 3 mile walk (there's a lovely riverwalk a few blocks away) then go back to make sure she's up, and do what has to be done. I have to drive within a block on my way to pick up DS in the afternoon, so can stop in again, if needed. DS used to go to school across the street from her, so dropping in was even easier.

It's just travelling that's an issue. I wouldn't even be concerned about it this early, but she just got some photos from my brother, and he mentioned how much they're looking forward to her being at the wedding.

 

[froglady]

You are one wonderful daughter! And think of what a great role model you are for your child(ren).

Except DD said that there's NO WAY she's going to launder my smelly sheets! I guess it's the nursing home for me.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Except DD said that there's NO WAY she's going to launder my smelly sheets! I guess it's the nursing home for me.

She might just change her mind. And if not, there are nice nursing homes!

 

[halestrm]

Or you can always plan to "cruise" instead of a retirement home.

 

[minkydog]

As long as you make sure the mattress is protected I don't see a problem for the maid with the sheets. You could always strip the bed and leave them in the tub for her.

Have you thought about having a consult with a Home Care agency, with specific regard to her incontinence issues? They would be a huge resource for you.

We buy our son's diapers from a company called HDIS. They specialize in incontinence supplies and those women know everything. If you'd like some information about the company, PM me and I'll get you the phone number. It sounds like you need some help in that department and I believe HDIS can assist you.

 

[froglady]

As long as you make sure the mattress is protected I don't see a problem for the maid with the sheets. You could always strip the bed and leave them in the tub for her.

Have you thought about having a consult with a Home Care agency, with specific regard to her incontinence issues? They would be a huge resource for you.

We buy our son's diapers from a company called HDIS. They specialize in incontinence supplies and those women know everything. If you'd like some information about the company, PM me and I'll get you the phone number. It sounds like you need some help in that department and I believe HDIS can assist you.

Thank you. I already purchase her vinyl pants from them, but never thought to ask about the odor. I know that it's due to bacteria; when Mom was on antibiotics for her teeth the odor disappeared. However, her doctor doesn't really want to keep her on long term meds for what appears to be an asymptomatic chronic bladder infection.

And as long as I'm with her, have access to a bathroom, and have a supply of diapers, I can keep it under control. I'm mostly concerned about the flight; Lord help me if we're stuck on the tarmac for hours. There's no way I could help her in the head.

 

[epcotfan]

Wow - I guess I'm the lonely only who thinks that not making long-range plans or promises is wise. The wedding is a year away. Who knows what her health will be like. Since I'm alone, I'm going to repeat my thoughts so the OP doesn't feel so alone. Not making promises and waiting to make plans is not lying IMO - it's smart. As the time comes closer, then you can talk to her, her doctors and to all your siblings and make a decision.

You aren't alone. I totally agree.

 

[meandtheguys2]

It is fine to make plans, but be realistic that many plans just don't work out. I suspect that she knows that in her heart. My Grandma currently goes from being on her deathbed (literally) to wanting to mow her lawn. She's 91.

It is hard to be a part of the "sandwich generation." Take care!

 

[phorsenuf]

Originally Posted by disykat
Wow - I guess I'm the lonely only who thinks that not making long-range plans or promises is wise. The wedding is a year away. Who knows what her health will be like. Since I'm alone, I'm going to repeat my thoughts so the OP doesn't feel so alone. Not making promises and waiting to make plans is not lying IMO - it's smart. As the time comes closer, then you can talk to her, her doctors and to all your siblings and make a decision.

You aren't alone. I totally agree.

The thing is tho (from my understanding) is that the OP has no plans to even bring her. The polite thing would be to tell her upfront if she wasn't going to be taking her. The woman is so looking fowards to going that I think it's kinda mean to lead her on and in my opinion by not telling her upfront she is not going is leading her on. If the OP has no intention of taking her, she needs to be honest. I think that's where the base of the problem is.

The OP says, (bold emphasisis mine)

My gut feeling is to continue to act as though she will be there until it's time to actually make travel arrangements, and that this is one of those times when a little white lie is OK.

 

[Disney Doll]

Wow - I guess I'm the lonely only who thinks that not making long-range plans or promises is wise. The wedding is a year away. Who knows what her health will be like. Since I'm alone, I'm going to repeat my thoughts so the OP doesn't feel so alone. Not making promises and waiting to make plans is not lying IMO - it's smart. As the time comes closer, then you can talk to her, her doctors and to all your siblings and make a decision.

I am all for making a promise that you might be able to keep depending on the circumstances at the time. In other words, saying to Grandma "Well Gram, I promise you that if you are physically able to get to the wedding next year, I will take you". And then have some tentative plans in mind as to how you will make that happen if she is able to travel at that time. I have travelled with infirm relatives, and while it is not easy, it is do-able.

What I am not in favor of is letting Grandma think, for a whole year, that she will be going to the wedding, while all the while knowing she won't be, and at the last minute pulling the rug out from under her and telling her no.

Obviously, any plans made a year in advance are tentative for an 84 year old, and will depend on her health and ability to travel at that time. But don't decide "no" now, & then string her along for a year. That's not right.