Would you ever "call in a favor" to help your kid? (kinda long)

[Crankyshank]

My Mother has used connections to advance me on occasion as a child and I absolutely resented it. I've seen the other end of the argument as well where I deserved a place on a team but didn't get it because of connections.
I knew I didn't deserve to be where I was and I was embarrassed Mom interfered. Especially when around kids who deserved my spot and we both knew it.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

have you ever met an adult who feels that his achievements were diluted by the help of Mommy and Daddy, and that he is a worse-off person for it?

None that will admit it. However I know many adults, and certainly scores of teens who seem to be mystified by the concept that they do not possess some divine right to ALWAYS be given a promotion, raise, A on their English paper, blue ribbon, designer clothes, 4 bedroom/3 bath house, new car, and on an on and endlessly on when they have done diddly squat to deserve it.

I will move Heaven and Earth to help my children. The trick is in figuring out when my natural instinct to make their lives as perfect as possible is actually a help.

 

[lulugirl]

Early in my career I worked on the trading floor of a major commodity exchange. During the summer, I had a number of my bosses' kids and the kids of our best customers come work for me as summer runners.

Two stories:

One summer, the son of the Chairman of the holding company our firm was part of was on my staff. I was so nervous! But you know what, he was worried I'd say something bad about him and it would get back to his dad. He told me once that I could fire him if I thought I should. I replied, "yeah, right." He said no, I could, and his dad would look at him and say, "R, you (not a nice word for messed) up." I'm sure this kid grew up to do great things.

Another summer, the son of one of our best customers came to work for me. He talked the big talk, but wasn't very good at getting the order into the right pit as fast as possible (which is the basic job of a runner on the floor). He'd stop and talk to people on the way. Our paths crossed later in our careers. As far as I can tell he's still getting help getting jobs...and he's still not all that great at what he does. But he makes a boatload of money and always seems to land on his feet.

Did I enjoy having the first one on my staff more than the second one? Of course. Does the second guy care about that? Not at all.

The moral of this story is that there are different ways to handle your influence when you try to help your children. You can do it without turning out maladjusted adults. I'm not sure, but I suspect R's dad worked hard for everything he had. I know the second guy's family had money from way back. Entitlement doesn't stem from a single situation. The fact that your husband's concerned about what he did makes it pretty obvious he's trying to teach your son to carry his own weight.[/QUOTE

You make an excellent point.

 

[Sandy V.]

"I will move Heaven and Earth to help my children. The trick is in figuring out when my natural instinct to make their lives as perfect as possible is actually a help."

I agree with everything Toby'sFriend said, and especially the above statement. The "ugly" adults and teens filled with such a sense of entitlement because of Mommy and Daddy's "help" often wouldn't recognize this fact if it came up and kicked them in the shin!!

 

[kasar]

I think in recreational teams and travel teams parents do have more influence over the coaches (the old "we're paying the money, we deserve....") and those connections are often used to the parents' advantage. SOMETIMES, it's even necessary when the coach's child and all their friends are "mysteriously" all placed on the same team - what a coincidence, huh?

But in high school? I really don't think the coach (whom I'm assuming is a paid professional) cares or even knows who the parents are. Like someone else said, they're out to win at this stage and they'll pick the best players. Picking the top players is very easy. So is picking out the bottom players. It's the ones in the middle that make poor coaches lose sleep. If someone were to tell the coach that your son is a hard worker and a pleasure to coach then that may give him a little edge but honestly, not much. Don't lose sleep over this one. You were playing mama bear and you did what you thought was right. Live and learn.

 

[danacara]

"I will move Heaven and Earth to help my children. The trick is in figuring out when my natural instinct to make their lives as perfect as possible is actually a help."

I agree with everything Toby'sFriend said, and especially the above statement. The "ugly" adults and teens filled with such a sense of entitlement because of Mommy and Daddy's "help" often wouldn't recognize this fact if it came up and kicked them in the shin!!

Hi Karen, a really great point. This is the way the world works, at least my world. (by the way, I spent part of this morning unwinding an erroneously booked barrier knock-in commodities option ... sound familiar? )

Re: the above, I really don't know many "ugly adults and teens filled with such a sense of entitlement because of Mommy and Daddy's "help" often wouldn't recognize this fact if it came up and kicked them in the shin" ... I come from no money at all, a total Have-Not, but through the grace of God I wound up at a place where I was surrounded by huge money and huge influence, but all but a tiny percentage of them were grounded and cool and totally aware of their luck. They were also individually brilliant and decently attuned to the needs of the world.

So to be honest, all this whining about overly entitled little snots that people claim are so prevalent but no one can really identify by name, and the apparent requirement for kids to be repeatedly disappointed and stepped on if they are to become pleasant adults, and the moralistic calls to act as though life is fair and meritocratic when it's so obviously not, when acting that way puts you and your family at a stupid and avoidable disadvantage ... we just re-elected a man who is a poster child for the power of familial influence. We need to get real.

 

[danacara]

Last thing: have you guys heard of "free riding?" It's a phrase used all the time in game theory, and it works out like this: if everyone around you plays by a set of moral rules where they intentionally keep themselves down, you can free-ride on their efforts by breaking their rules. Influence is worth nothing if everyone pawns it, but it's hugely valuable when most people don't have it or choose not to use it. So be aware, people are free-riding on your inherent goodness, and it's only by you being inherently good that they are able to do that. Interesting, eh?

 

[auntpolly]

Last thing: have you guys heard of "free riding?" It's a phrase used all the time in game theory, and it works out like this: if everyone around you plays by a set of moral rules where they intentionally keep themselves down, you can free-ride on their efforts by breaking their rules. Influence is worth nothing if everyone pawns it, but it's hugely valuable when most people don't have it or choose not to use it. So be aware, people are free-riding on your inherent goodness, and it's only by you being inherently good that they are able to do that. Interesting, eh?

Wow! Well, OK, lets just give up trying to be moral and ethical all together. I mean, no one else is being fair and trying to do the right thing; so why should we? Is that what you are saying?

And GWB is not my family's poster child for anything. We are have done very well doing our best trying to do the right thing.

 

[DisneyMim]

I just stumbled onto this post. Very interesting and just what my son and I have been talking about recently. He's a junior in a very competive, very political HS. He just told me the other day that he can't wait until he's out of HS because he can't stand the way some kids get everything because of who their parents are. As an example one of his friends is able to pick teachers because his mother works in the school and he always gets the "easy" teachers while my son always seems to get the hard ones. This also happens in sports, kids are picked for varsity teams because of "pull". We have NO pull whatsoever in our town. I tried to tell him that this sort of thing happens not only in HS but in life in general. He is learning that life is not fair and it breaks my heart. I'm ashamed to admit that I might just try to help him myself if I could because as his parent I want to do everything I possibly can for him, but then I think that whatever my son achieves he truly is doing it on his own. I think he tries harder because he feels he has to. I can see both sides of this and it is a hard question. Sorry for the rambling, but I just couldn't believe this topic came up here after my son just came and talked to me about this. I have to say that I am very happy and proud that my son did come to me because he was upset and wanted to talk, but I am not too happy because my son is on the "other side" of this issue.

 

[momof2inPA]

How on earth did you come up with this???? You couldn't be more wrong. This guy is a long-time family friend who was in our wedding and has been a part of my DH's family long before I came on the scene. He and his wife have more money than they can spend and he is the one who has the tickets and *gives* them to us. He is a very nice guy who simply put in a good word for ds. He was the first to tell us ds would've made the team anyway.

Geez lady. I was joking, but maybe your friend has been "free riding" all this time (joking again).

 

[ballroombelle]

As much as we'd like to categorize the issue as simply black-and-white, I think there are many gradations to the dilemma.

I've seen nepotism and benefitted from it as I imagine many, many others have. It happens. In general, I wouldn't lose sleep over aiding my child in certain cases. I've worked hard for the advantages I have-they are different from the advantages that a child of a doctor or a policeman have-and I don't see an issue with sharing that with my children.

 

[Sandy V.]

Danacara, I also came from nothing from a family that "knew" no one, and I think I have turned out to be (in my opinion) very successful and happy. Congratutations on your success. I speak of those with the entitlement mentality as the minority; I recognize that they are the exception rather than the rule.

And by the way, if you can use influence to get your kid into a "good"college, I say go for it!!

The "me" mentality is quite prevalent among my teenagers' classmates and many of their parents. Their names would mean nothing to anyone here but I assure you that they DO exist. My husband and I try hard to make sure OUR OWN kids don't project it, but living in a fairly affluent community, I'm sure they do more than I care to admit. The students' parking lot has FAR nicer cars than that of the teachers'!

About 95% of the kids at the school go on to college . . . but what's interesting/disturbing is that we have a relatively high dropout rate once they GET there. We've talked about it around here, and many agree (me included) that so many kids have been used to having Mommy and Daddy manipulate the "system" for them that they are totally unprepared to stand on their own. Many have a hard time adjusting to having to fight their own life battles.

Regards to all, and have a pleasant evening!

 

[sharbear]

I think that all of us to some extent will go to bat for our children. It depends on what it is and how important that issue is to us.

I was talking to friends yesterday and we were talking about the basketball program. I guess that parental involvement is key to playing time. If a child has an involved parent who will help out the coach, then that child sees more playing time. It happens and I see it happen all the time.

My kids run. Your place does not depend on who your parents are or what they do for the program. It only is about time. It works better for us.

I have been proactive about my childs class placements. My DD was not put into the honors track in Math. She has wanted to be an engineer since 4th grade and she was an A student. We knew that she would be successful in the Honors track, she really has a gift for Math. I talked to the administration and they were not very helpful. She went into JH and did very well, the top person in her placement. It became apparent that she was very bored, I did not want her to lose interest in the subject that she was best at. I finally got someone to help and she is now in the Honors track and getting A's. She interested in her classes and is thinking again about engineering.

The administration thinks I'm a little pushy. I couldn't care less. Because the most important thing to me is my kid and what is best for them. I'm not going to let the adminstration kill my DD dreams.

 

[Kallison]

We have friends who always coach the travel team -- of course their two sons are always on it. It happens all the time around here, depending on who you know, you may or may not make the travel team. I can't imagine it happening on the h.s. level. I think your friend was just trying to sound like he had connections, especially if your son would have made it anyway. I would not give it a second thought.