Would you ever "call in a favor" to help your kid? (kinda long)

[DiaDeGuadalupe]

I got what you were trying to say. It's not so much about our kids suffering disappointments but so many kids have come to expect that their parents are going to bail them out or pull strings. A lifetime of this makes a very ugly adult.

Thank you! I don't have a hard time saying the words, but they don't seem to go from brain to keyboard/pen very well.

 

[Chicago526]

danacara,

I get what you're saying, and agree to a certain extent. The danger is a parent pulling strings for an un-deserving child (I'm not saying YOU do this, just in gerneral). If a kid doesn't have what it takes (either academically or athletically) and a parent calls in a favor so the child makes the team or gets a choice college admission over other un-connected but more talented kids, that's just not right. If the child does have talent, well, I don't see how a short note or a quick phone cal along the lines of "hey, my kid is trying out/applying, can you put in a good word" is wrong. How many of us get jobs because a friend recommends us, or knows of an open position before it's posted in the paper so we get a leg up over other applicants? We all take advantage of the people we know in life in some form or another.

 

[TimeforMe]

How many of us get jobs because a friend recommends us, or knows of an open position before it's posted in the paper so we get a leg up over other applicants? We all take advantage of the people we know in life in some form or another.

Hmmmm, very good point!

 

[piglet too]

How many of us get jobs because a friend recommends us, or knows of an open position before it's posted in the paper so we get a leg up over other applicants? We all take advantage of the people we know in life in some form or another.

Very well said, perfect example that most of us HAVE done.

 

[WDWorBUST]

It's done - so don't worry about it. I will say though that in high school my mom went and spoke to my softball coach because he was starting a senior over me (junior) - I was the better player - he would put me in to pitch all the more difficult games (because he thought we might lose) and we would win. That's besides the point.... I was absolutely LIVID when I found out my mom had spoken to him. So if you can keep your son from knowing it might not be a bad idea to keep it from him.

 

[auntpolly]

DH works for a big company - everybody knows who got their job because of connections or politics or a favor or something like that, and who just worked their butt off to get the job. The people in the first group never get the respect that the people in the second group get.

Yeah, it's done. I don't think that's a good enough reason to accept it and to lower the bar on excellence.

I know this is one of those topics where people are thinking, "Geez, what a goody two shoes! " but honestly, it was always very important to our family. We joke that we don't want to be "beholding" to anyone.

 

[Crankyshank]

The problem with an undeserving child constantly getting breaks because of parental connections is two fold: you're teaching the child that hard work isn't going to get you ahead if you don't want it to. We have enough spoiled rotten kids with an over inflated me entitlement nowadays. Also his peers are going to be pretty resentful of the situation and we all know how mean kids can be.

Now I am in no way saying that this is the case of the OP.

 

[caitycaity]

since i was one of those kids in high school whose parents didn't have the right connections and i felt the impact firsthand of those whose parents did, i would personally never intervene like that.

 

[tar heel]

If parents help enough with getting into schools, getting jobs, etc., the kid might grow up to be a two-term president of the United States!

 

[lulugirl]

The problem with an undeserving child constantly getting breaks because of parental connections is two fold: you're teaching the child that hard work isn't going to get you ahead if you don't want it to. We have enough spoiled rotten kids with an over inflated me entitlement nowadays. Also his peers are going to be pretty resentful of the situation and we all know how mean kids can be.

Now I am in no way saying that this is the case of the OP.

I agree! I want my children to grow up feeling proud of their accomplishments based on hard work and talent not because mommy or daddy "put in a good word." JMHO

 

[danacara]

I agree! I want my children to grow up feeling proud of their accomplishments based on hard work and talent not because mommy or daddy "put in a good word." JMHO

It's funny, a bunch of posters have said that, but honestly, have you ever met an adult who feels that his achievements were diluted by the help of Mommy and Daddy, and that he is a worse-off person for it? Think Bush would say that about Yale?

 

[DisneyVillain]

Would I ever. Yes.
Would I in this case? Not a chance.

What's the difference? I would help my child get the opportunity to earn the prize, but not the prize itself. Influence to get him a tryout (or an interview) is fine. Influence to get him selected in the tryout or interview over others who may be more qualified is very much unfair to the kids he is competing against, and in my opinion, morally wrong.

 

[momof2inPA]

OP, I think your husband's friend is playing his intervention up for all it's worth. Does he have some big home project that he wants your husband's help with? Maybe your husband has tickets to a football game that he would like to have. I bet the coach just told the guy that your son was a good player and would make the team with or without someone's good word.

 

[auntpolly]

It's funny, a bunch of posters have said that, but honestly, have you ever met an adult who feels that his achievements were diluted by the help of Mommy and Daddy, and that he is a worse-off person for it? Think Bush would say that about Yale?

He probably wouldn't but he should. Do you honestly want a society based on no one getting anything without the right connections? For every GWB who didn't deserve to be a Yale there's a kid who did that didn't get it.

 

[rockin_rep]

Would you like the perspective of a coach? (my dh)

Yes, as a mom, i might have been tempted to do it. too.

Having said that, your community scenario sounds exactly like ours -- where DH *IS* actually IS the coach.

And i can tell you this. In communities such as ours, everyone knows someone who is *in the know* and / or has influence. And quite frankly, it doesn't matter to DH. And from what he says, not to the other coaches, either. But people do this to him ALL the time. You have NOOOOO idea......!!!!

If this were in our community with one of DH's teams, it wouldn't matter how much of a good word your friend put in for your son. He may not TELL your friend that to his face, but it wouldn't matter. My DH is a man of integrity and principle and will choose who deserves to make the team. (He likes to win -- don't they all?)

 

[TimeforMe]

OP, I think your husband's friend is playing his intervention up for all it's worth. Does he have some big home project that he wants your husband's help with? Maybe your husband has tickets to a football game that he would like to have. I bet the coach just told the guy that your son was a good player and would make the team with or without someone's good word.

How on earth did you come up with this???? You couldn't be more wrong. This guy is a long-time family friend who was in our wedding and has been a part of my DH's family long before I came on the scene. He and his wife have more money than they can spend and he is the one who has the tickets and *gives* them to us. He is a very nice guy who simply put in a good word for ds. He was the first to tell us ds would've made the team anyway.

 

[auntpolly]

He was the first to tell us ds would've made the team anyway.

For what it's worth, I believe you. I'm just debating the overall queston about calling in favors and getting opportunities that aren't available to everyone else, not your particular situation.

 

[KarenC]

Early in my career I worked on the trading floor of a major commodity exchange. During the summer, I had a number of my bosses' kids and the kids of our best customers come work for me as summer runners.

Two stories:

One summer, the son of the Chairman of the holding company our firm was part of was on my staff. I was so nervous! But you know what, he was worried I'd say something bad about him and it would get back to his dad. He told me once that I could fire him if I thought I should. I replied, "yeah, right." He said no, I could, and his dad would look at him and say, "R, you (not a nice word for messed) up." I'm sure this kid grew up to do great things.

Another summer, the son of one of our best customers came to work for me. He talked the big talk, but wasn't very good at getting the order into the right pit as fast as possible (which is the basic job of a runner on the floor). He'd stop and talk to people on the way. Our paths crossed later in our careers. As far as I can tell he's still getting help getting jobs...and he's still not all that great at what he does. But he makes a boatload of money and always seems to land on his feet.

Did I enjoy having the first one on my staff more than the second one? Of course. Does the second guy care about that? Not at all.

The moral of this story is that there are different ways to handle your influence when you try to help your children. You can do it without turning out maladjusted adults. I'm not sure, but I suspect R's dad worked hard for everything he had. I know the second guy's family had money from way back. Entitlement doesn't stem from a single situation. The fact that your husband's concerned about what he did makes it pretty obvious he's trying to teach your son to carry his own weight.

 

[TimeforMe]

(He likes to win -- don't they all?)

Yes, they do--NOW. This is high school and our school has a reputation and long time history to uphold.

On the other hand, little league and recreational team sports are not held up to the same accountability. I do find it happens more there.

The reason dh is feeling so bad is because he knows ds would've made it on his own.

Just for the record, this is the 1st time we've ever called in a chit although there have been MANY times where others have.

In a perfect world, everyone is judged on ability and deservedness (is that a word?)--however, we all know this is not a perfect world. The number one lesson I've taught my kids is that life isn't fair and to expect otherwise is truly setting the stage for harder disappointments than just not making a team.

 

[KarenC]

The number one lesson I've taught my kids is that life isn't fair and to expect otherwise is truly setting the stage for harder disappointments than just not making a team.

The other thing I teach my kids when bad things happen is that they will always learn more from their failures than they will from their successes.

And you know what, at least one of them heard me. My oldest was struggling with college Biology. It is the first time she's ever had to really study to get a passing grade in a class. Most academic things come naturally to her. But after she got her first miserable grade she told me that she knew she could do better and that now she knows she needs to have a better way to organize all the new material. Then she got an A on the next test. She said that I was right about learning from failure!

I told her that, unfortunately, it won't be the last time...