Would you do this for your child?

[Rora]

OP, the mom in your post sounds like my mother.. she did EVERYTHING for me up until I went to college. When I got to college, I realized I didn't know how to do anything. Seriously. Laundry? I took it home on the weekends for my mom to wash. Cooking? I ate cereal for all my meals (see my recent thread on Cooking! ).

I love my mother and appreciate everything she did for me but sometimes wish she hadn't done so much-- it would've been easier on her and would've taught me how to be an adult.

 

[Pigeon]

I'd make one meal for dinner but try to make sure there were leftovers. I'd also make sure to have some quick fix sandwich type stuff on hand. But wait up until 2 am to make a teenager snacks? Ah, that would be a no. He or she could warm up what's left or make a sandwich.

I will do everyone's laundry because I think it's more environmentally friendly to do full loads.

 

[golfgal]

I have some sympathy for her. I enjoy feeding my family! I get a real kick out of it, and my husband is always properly grateful, even when my kids aren't. It's my way of showing them I love them.

On the other hand, I'm going to be unavailable to for three days this weekend. Last night my son asked me if I'd cook up 3 days worth of meals for them, and I just laughed at him. I said, "You know how to cook! Make your own meals!" When my husband heard about it his response was, "Well, I was going to order a lot of takeout, but maybe I'll get the boy to cook for us instead."

So... I think if this arrangement makes the lady happy - AND she isn't giving them the impression that their wives will someday do this for them - then she might as well go right ahead and fill her boots.

P.S. My kids do dishes.

But would you stay up until 2AM and make them something when they got home from work or would you just expect that they know how to heat up leftovers in the microwave?

 

[allison443]

She has been a SAHM for 20 years now. She looks as this as her job & she needs to take care of her DH & sons. I get that, but I also believe she needs to let them become more independent.

I was going to ask if she is a SAHM. Since you said she is, I guess she sees this as part of her job whether it's making dinner at 6:00 pm or 2:00 am.

Would I do it, no. But you said she is a wonderful person, and her kids are in college and went away to college, so maybe she didn't do too badly as far as making them independent. I wouldn't judge her too harshly-let her future daughters-in-law worry about that.

But, honestly is it that hard to learn to do laundry? The directions are on the detergent bottle/washing machine. I'm sure a kid away at college could figure it out.

 

[allison443]

But would you stay up until 2AM and make them something when they got home from work or would you just expect that they know how to heat up leftovers in the microwave?

I think anyone could figure out how to heat up leftovers in the microwave, couldn't they? It isn't hard-heck a lot of microwaves have buttons labeled for the different items you might be heating up!

I don't think it's that her sons can't do these things, but she wants to do them for her kids.

Would I stay up until 2 am to cook something for a grown kid, NO!! But I think OP said she sees this as part of her job as a SAHM to adults.

 

[mickey&minniealways]

I am a SAHM. I don't do everything for my kids. My MIL however did and still does. FIL had an autobody shop. Right next door to their hom. She worked side by side with him until noon every day Monday thru Friday. She would then go home and cook him a hot meal for lunch. After that she changes her clothes and puts on her make up. She must look impecable at all times. Then she does the houswork. I met DH in college. When we went to stay with them while we wre dating I got a good look at what I would never do. She pick out all her husbands clothes for the day and every event. They must coordinate with hers. She brushes his teeth for him. She combs his hair for him and washes it. He is bald these days but she still washes his head for him. The first meal I had in their home was a doosey. The women in the house are ALL suposed to help prepare the meals. They table alway needs to be set as if for a dinner party. When someone finishes food she will ask if they want more. If that person is male then she will put it on the plate for them. I almost forgot. The men are to be served first. When we had kids she even feed our boys first. If someone didn't like the food being served she would then get up and make them something else. She was sure to go back to the table though if anyone needed anything. My philosophy is like my mothers. I tell my kids this is not a reseraunt. Eat what is on the table or don't eat at all. MIL has even been known while at a resteraunt to go to the pizza place next door for a pizza for her teenage daughter who didn't like what was on the menu at the place we were all eating. When I got married DH wanted me to do his ironing. I didn't have a problem with that. But then he scrutinizes the garment and tells me I missed a spot. I don't iron for him anymore. If we are going somewhere he always want me to choose what he is wearing or ask what I like better. I have been known to let him get dressed first and then change my mind as to what I will wear just because he has driven me crazy. If we are eating and he or our boys wants something I say you have 2 hands/feet. After 25 years he still sometimes expects me to drop everything and come over to him so he can talk to me about something. I very often tell him if he wants to talk he can come see me. Also in his family men don't do dishes. DH has come along way in 25 years of marriage. Sometimes he still thinks he is living in the 50's like his parents and he wasn't even alive then. If something gets on the close you are wearing you must change immeidiatly. Lucky for me I am my own person and don't put up with it.

 

[MELSMICE]

I was going to ask if she is a SAHM. Since you said she is, I guess she sees this as part of her job whether it's making dinner at 6:00 pm or 2:00 am.

Would I do it, no. But you said she is a wonderful person, and her kids are in college and went away to college, so maybe she didn't do too badly as far as making them independent. I wouldn't judge her too harshly-let her future daughters-in-law worry about that.

But, honestly is it that hard to learn to do laundry? The directions are on the detergent bottle/washing machine. I'm sure a kid away at college could figure it out.

She is a wonderful person. When I am out of town she will even make dinner for my family. Many nights when I'm at the studio & she has made a big meal, she'll send it over for DH & whoever else is home. She definitely just enjoys doing these things.

I don't want to sound like I'm judging her. I just wondered if anyone else would do these type of things? I can tell you that my family appreciates it when she does it for us............they don't get such great meals all the time. I loved the day I was sitting here dreading that I had to cook dinner & she called to say she had made an entire roast beef, had sliced it & wanted to know if we wanted some roast beef sandwiches for lunch.

She brought over some great sandwiches with the best french fries I had ever tasted!!!!! Presented on a serving tray with all the condiments & fixins'!!

I think anyone could figure out how to heat up leftovers in the microwave, couldn't they? It isn't hard-heck a lot of microwaves have buttons labeled for the different items you might be heating up!

I don't think it's that her sons can't do these things, but she wants to do them for her kids.

Would I stay up until 2 am to cook something for a grown kid, NO!! But I think OP said she sees this as part of her job as a SAHM to adults.

I do think she wants to do them for her kids also. I'm not sure if her kids do know how to do these things or not. Over the summer her oldest had to work every morning & asked her to get up with him so she could make coffee because he didn't know how. She did. I would have shown my DD how to make it herself, but that's just me.

 

[MIGrandma]

Everybody is different, if she is happy to be that kind of Mum, why not, I am doing things some of my friends wouldn`t do, but I love doing them. Who can say what is ok and what is not....if they are good people.

Exactly.

All families are different. What is right for one may not be for another. None are wrong, it's what works for that particular family.

Our adult DS moved back in with us in April and many here thought we were stupid for allowing it. He lived here 4 months. He just moved out last week. Yes, it was an adjustment having him back here at age 34 (after being on his own since he was 18) but I'm glad we were able to help him.

 

[mamacatnv]

I love this thread.
I would gladly do all the things your neighbor does but I know it is not the right thing to do for my son nor is it in his best interest.

I do tend to dote on my son to some degree, if I was up at 2 a.m. and he came home hungry, yep I might make him something. Would I stay up just to make him dinner, no.

Son cooks, cleans, grocery shops and does his own laundry as does DH. Son also is in college and now lives near campus and no longer comes home on breaks. We do see him frequently as he is 8 miles from our front door.

For the record, I am the same way with DD. While she is learning independence and life skills there are still doting things we do for her because we want to.

Funny thing, we all laugh about it. When I was 19/20 and dating, I had a "rule". My rule was that I would not date men that lived with their Mommies I learned this after being in a relationship in high school with a total Mama's boy. I don't want to raise a Mama's boy.

 

[rwdavis2]

I pity these 2 guys future wives.
BD

 

[golfgal]

I think anyone could figure out how to heat up leftovers in the microwave, couldn't they? It isn't hard-heck a lot of microwaves have buttons labeled for the different items you might be heating up!

I don't think it's that her sons can't do these things, but she wants to do them for her kids.

Would I stay up until 2 am to cook something for a grown kid, NO!! But I think OP said she sees this as part of her job as a SAHM to adults.

Honest answer-no. I know enough people in college that had NO CLUE how to do things like this and the problem is since mom did anything and everything even sitting down to figure out how to do it was beyond them because they never had to do even that. I knew a lot of people in college that had no clue how to even turn ON the washing machine let alone what to do after it was on.

 

[Heidict]

Is anyone else picturing Marie on Everybody Loves Raymond? I can totally see her staying up to 2am just to make Ray something for dinner.

OP, your neighbor sounds like a wonderful woman. It reminds of the 50's. I loved how they had to be dressed to the nines with their makeup on before the husband got home.

My DH's mother did everything for him and still dotes on him when he goes over there. He was a quick learner though. He now loves to cook, does dishes, laundry and mops the floors.

 

[allison443]

Honest answer-no. I know enough people in college that had NO CLUE how to do things like this and the problem is since mom did anything and everything even sitting down to figure out how to do it was beyond them because they never had to do even that. I knew a lot of people in college that had no clue how to even turn ON the washing machine let alone what to do after it was on.

From what I see kids today are great at figuring out technological things like computers, phones, video games...I'm sure it wouldn't take long to figure out a microwave. Trial and error is one way to learn (maybe not the best, but it can work.)
I'm sure if that college kid was hungry enough they would figure out how to set the timer and then turn on the microwave. Also, after the first load of laundry where the white tshirts turn pink, they learn to separate laundry.

edited to add, they could always google it on their phone!!

 

[mhsjax]

I pretty much agree with everything in the OP except the room. AS I see it, they are living in MY space, they just use it for their rooms. When they pay the mortgage or rent, then it becomes their space.

Now, I wouldn't clean it for them, but I can guarantee you that it would get cleaned up.

 

[mhsjax]

I pity these 2 guys future wives.
BD

YOU don't necessarily have too. My DH mom loved doing everything for her family. Her DH was a truck driver and worked all hours so she pretty much had food going all the time. She waited on hubby hand and foot.

DH is way more productive than I am even though his mother waited on him. He didn't demand it, she loved to do it. And to this day he still talks about all the wonderful things his mom did for him. Including breakfast in bed while he watched TV on Saturdays. He has never once asked me to get him breakfast in bed and is way more helpful than a lot of men that I know.

 

[Nancyg56]

YOU don't necessarily have too. .

ITA.
I taught my kids how to cook and to clean. They know how to care for themselves but honestly, when they were at home I did a lot for them. I still do when they are here. I like doing catering to them when they are here, I do for my DH as well. My oldest is single and he takes care of his own things.........I have offered to do his shirts but he refuses. I think he needs to take advantage of the offer or send them out but He is a very good cook and his GF loves to have meals at his house. His home is clean and neat and he is known for his entertaining. He is a good host.

My youngest son is a clean freak. He does the cleaning, the wash and the shopping. DDIL thinks I did a great job with him He is a terrible cook but not because I did not try............he just cannot cook. My DDIL cleans and he has told my DD that she thinks she does a good job so he will not hurt her feelings, he just does more when he thinks she will not notice. She does and is fine with it His yard is always manicured.


My DD keeps a lovely home too but you never would have known it when she lived her, any more than you would have with my oldest. SHe cooks although she really does nto like to, and entertains often. Her home is open and she manages to never apologize for how it looks, it is always company ready. My job was to make sure they all knew how to manage and manage well. If I chose to do a lot of extras for them it was my business as long as i did nto create adults who were inept.

 

[shortbun]

Ha ha! My poor son is 15 and sometimes I don't even fix his meal at suppertime. And they call ME a helicopter parent. If my son is around when he's an adult, he'll be taking care of me. Beware of these men oh single women of the world, their mother's have set them up to be ungrateful, inept and simply bad partners.

 

[Colleen27]

Well, I'll put it this way - my 9 & 12 year olds can already make themselves basic snacks/meals and they know if it doesn't go into the hamper, it won't get washed. I cook meals and an afterschool snack of course, but if they get hungry in between they know how to help themselves to leftovers or something quick, and they're responsible for the condition of their own rooms.

There are things I'd gladly help a young adult child with - laundry, for example. They're welcome to come home and use my machine, and I'd even do their wash for them if they make sure to have it here on the days I usually do the household laundry, because to me there's no sense in feeding a small fortune in quarters into a laundromat somewhere. And there is always "help yourself" food in our fridge - yogurt and fruit and cold cuts as well as leftovers - so there'd be no need for me to cook to feed a kid who worked late and came home hungry.

 

[bumbershoot]

It is nice to help out the kids. However, seems to me that a parents job, at least in part, it to make our children self-sufficient. Doing everything for them isn't going to get that done.

Except they went AWAY to college. Which indicates maturity and independence.

Or it indicates a desire to *get* away, which also means independence and a desire to do things on their own.

When I was 19/20 and dating, I had a "rule". My rule was that I would not date men that lived with their Mommies I learned this after being in a relationship in high school with a total Mama's boy. I don't want to raise a Mama's boy.

I felt the same way until I met DH. He was back living with his mom at 28 because his mom had had two heart attacks inside of one year. DH's dad worked in shipping and was gone 6 months at a time, DH's older brother (normally the go-to child in a Korean family) was still on the outs with his mom and his mom didn't want to live with him and his partner, and DH's sister was married to a heroin user ex-con and had two daughters and was working her rear off. There was no one else to take care of her, so he did it! Not everyone who lives with their parents is awful...I lived with my mom and stepdad for a year when I was 25, it was great and terrific fun! I loved AND liked my mom, and loved spending time with her.



DH wasn't allowed to DO many things around the house, because his mom is very particular about how things are done. But he learned BY watching, and he's very good at cooking and cleaning, even though he never did those things at home.

My oldest friend had a mom who was at home and was VERY into keeping a perfect home (closet alcoholic, but you'd never realize it to look at her home!). Cleaned the kids' rooms, set out clothes, did all laundry, made beds, EVERYTHING. The kids were in 4H and did all the outside work (taking care of bunnies, a rat (well that was indoor), dogs, a horse, etc), but she made sure her home and family were sparkling. And her daughter is one of the hardest-working people I know. Did very well in school and college, got career-type jobs straight out of college, has worked and kept her own home sparkling every since she left home. She wasn't allowed to do things at home, but she certainly learned them!

 

[Polyluvr]

I'm like that now-w my DH and my boy's-they're young yet but I don't see anything wrong w my doting on them continuing.

My DD did just leave for college and she knows how to take care of herself-cook, clean, do laundry-this may sound really sexist and I don't mean it to come across that way-but girls/women need those skills to take care of a family later.

I just hope that my boys will marry women who will take care of them;not to the extent that they won't be able to do it themselves if they had to though.

But, in my family it's the same way-women take care of the men in their lives.
Not that I think it's any better/worse than how anyone else chooses to raise their boys.
Every family has different values; ways things are traditionally done.