Would You Do or Say Anything?

[luvsJack]

My great-niece has Chron's. She just got out of the hospital after having surgery.

She lives with her mother and step-father. Her father (my nephew) died a couple of years ago. Her mother doesn't communicate much with our family and they live in a town about 30 miles south of us but we are all friends on facebook.

The girl is on medicaid so her medical bills are paid. Her mom says that they have to go back to the hospital every couple of weeks for check ups and its about a 2 1/2 hour drive from where they live.

But her mother and step-dad are planning a fundraiser. They are selling bbq plates at the community center in our community next month and are asking for donations for the food and necessary items. I think they are also wanting stuff to auction or raffle off.

I asked her aunt (my niece) about it and what they need. She said that she is afraid that its a scam. She advised that if I wanted to do anything, to buy a gas card to help with the check ups but that if money is given it will never be used for dgn. She isn't even positive that they have to travel that whole way for the check ups, it may be a more local dr. for that. She believes that they are having it in our community because the child's mother knows that the child's last name (same as my mom's) will get people to donate in this community and the church will get involved for that reason too. Plus they are hoping for large amounts of money from my sister, her dd and my mom (my mom doesn't have it to give but would try).

I plan to let mom, dsis and her dd know what was said but I am really concerned about people giving thinking they are helping mom's great-grand daughter when the money isn't going to her at all. OTOH, on the off chance they need it, I want the child to have it.

My niece said that she will find out if the child needs anything when she visits her and let me know so that if we want to do something we can get what she, personally, needs. But that won't help much in the community.

So, WWYD, if anything?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My great-niece has Chron's. She just got out of the hospital after having surgery.

She lives with her mother and step-father. Her father (my nephew) died a couple of years ago. Her mother doesn't communicate much with our family and they live in a town about 30 miles south of us but we are all friends on facebook.

The girl is on medicaid so her medical bills are paid. Her mom says that they have to go back to the hospital every couple of weeks for check ups and its about a 2 1/2 hour drive from where they live.

But her mother and step-dad are planning a fundraiser. They are selling bbq plates at the community center in our community next month and are asking for donations for the food and necessary items. I think they are also wanting stuff to auction or raffle off.

I asked her aunt (my niece) about it and what they need. She said that she is afraid that its a scam. She advised that if I wanted to do anything, to buy a gas card to help with the check ups but that if money is given it will never be used for dgn. She isn't even positive that they have to travel that whole way for the check ups, it may be a more local dr. for that. She believes that they are having it in our community because the child's mother knows that the child's last name (same as my mom's) will get people to donate in this community and the church will get involved for that reason too. Plus they are hoping for large amounts of money from my sister, her dd and my mom (my mom doesn't have it to give but would try).

I plan to let mom, dsis and her dd know what was said but I am really concerned about people giving thinking they are helping mom's great-grand daughter when the money isn't going to her at all. OTOH, on the off chance they need it, I want the child to have it.

My niece said that she will find out if the child needs anything when she visits her and let me know so that if we want to do something we can get what she, personally, needs. But that won't help much in the community.

So, WWYD, if anything?

Nothing.

I went to a fundraiser like that where the mom was raising money for her dd to pay for horse therapy. She was a girl in our GS troop and she was wheelchair bound.

That being said, I probably would not donate based on the info you got from the niece.

With ANY fundraiser I ask what are you raising money for. Without that, I pass.

 

[Southernmiss]

Why is she receiving Medicaid? Isn't receiving Medicaid based on income? And if she qualifies, then they met the income qualifications? Or did they falsify Medicaid documents?

 

[bdcp]

If I were you I would definitely pass onto your mom, sis and her dd what your niece told you. Beyond that, I think other than giving them a gas card, as suggested, I would just stay out of it. If what your niece told you is true, they are committing fraud.

 

[okeydokey]

Since you really have no idea the whole story, and are just going on what you heard (rumor), I would stay out of it. Donate if you want to, or don't.

 

[NHdisneylover]

All you "know" is conjecture and heresay. I would stay OUT of it.

 

[WDSearcher]

Since you really have no idea the whole story, and are just going on what you heard (rumor), I would stay out of it. Donate if you want to, or don't.

This.

Unless you're willing to do a whole bunch of research and ask a whole bunch of questions to find out what's really happening, I'd stay out of it. And, as okeydokey says, "Donate if you want to, or don't."

 

[Lilliputian]

I know from having friends with sick children that it always has a big impact on the family financially, even if they are very comfortable and insurance covers most of the expenses. There are traveling expenses, plus expenses of eating easier meals because they aren't home, plus things to keep the kiddo occupied in waiting rooms, and more that most of us can't even imagine.

Are there some scammers? Of course. Are there families who have a harder time due to circumstances? Yes. But it's always a very big deal, unless maybe you're just astoundingly rich.

I wouldn't say anything to anybody. If you have any doubts and feel compelled to do something, the first thing you need to do is get closer to the situation and see it with your own eyes. You can donate or not donate as you choose, but there's no need to spread rumors.

 

[scrapquitler]

I know from having friends with sick children that it always has a big impact on the family financially, even if they are very comfortable and insurance covers most of the expenses. There are traveling expenses, plus expenses of eating easier meals because they aren't home, plus things to keep the kiddo occupied in waiting rooms, and more that most of us can't even imagine.

Are there some scammers? Of course. Are there families who have a harder time due to circumstances? Yes. But it's always a very big deal, unless maybe you're just astoundingly rich.

I wouldn't say anything to anybody. If you have any doubts and feel compelled to do something, the first thing you need to do is get closer to the situation and see it with your own eyes. You can donate or not donate as you choose, but there's no need to spread rumors.

I agree with this. I'm sure that this family has lots of other expenses related to this child's treatments that are not covered by the medicaid or any other insurance (things like paying utilities and rent while the parents take time off of work, travel expenses related to travel to appointments, even if they are local, babysitters for the siblings, etc, etc.) A major illness of a child has a huge financial impact on the family even if the medical bills are paid.

I would not get involved with trying to 'uncover' anything. If you are suspicious, then don't donate to the fundraiser or participate in it, but you could helps support them in other ways, perhaps cooking a meal for them, offering to mow their lawn while they are visiting her in the hospital, buying a gas card, etc.

 

[MSSANDRA]

What you shared here is way to little true knowledge to make an accurate judgment. I do know from personal experience that there are a lot of things not covered by insurance when someone has a long term illness. I also sadly know that people sometimes take advantage of a situation. I would not judge or react to a fund raiser. What I would do is to tell the mom that your family would like to be involved in a more personal way. You would like to purchase one of her medications or pay one of her medical bill or something of that sort where you have your hands on the bills and can see what you are paying. If medicare pays all of these expenses, maybe offer to pay a hotel bill, or buy any special food. Many fund raisers are set up where bills are submitted to a chairperson and they are approved and then paid out of the proceeds. I am very leery of supporting something where the family is given the cash from the fundraiser.

 

[Robbi]

Mom or dad might have to take off work for the appts. Your niece might also have needs that are not met by Medicaid. Give with a good heart or don't give. The rest sounds like pot stirring. The niece you talked to believe it or not might be jealous of the mom with the sick child. It happens.

 

[disfan07]

Why is she receiving Medicaid? Isn't receiving Medicaid based on income? And if she qualifies, then they met the income qualifications? Or did they falsify Medicaid documents?

What does that have to do with anything? Medicaid doesn't have anything to do with the fundraising that the OP is talking about...at least not that I saw. It sounds like the fundraiser is supposed to be for other expenses (food, gas money, lodging, etc). Things not covered by insurance.

It sounds like Medicaid pays for the bills but there are so many additional expenses associated with chronic illnesses that are OOP expenses.

OP, I would take what is said with a grain of salt because it is only ne side and it's based on what someone else told you...not what you found it directly. If you are not comfortable contributing that's your choice but I don't think you should do anything else about it.

Ive been sick for 10 years. I am currently back in the hospital...been here for 24 days so far. We have insurance (private) so MOST of the medical bills are covered (but we still have the deductable, OOP maximum, etc) but everything else....gas, parking, food, etc is not. And the hospital is 45-90 mins from our house depending on traffic. My mom stays overnight at the hospital because we can't afford the expense of a hotel.

So many people assume that if someone has insurance all expenses are covered....so not the case. I would not assume its a scam just based on what you heard.

And the niece probably does have to return to the hospital far away at least for a little while if that's where the surgery was done. Especially with Medicaid, they may be very limited on their options of physicians and facilities so that might be where they have to go for her treatment.

 

[Southernmiss]

What does that have to do with anything? Medicaid doesn't have anything to do with the fundraising that the OP is talking about...at least not that I saw. It sounds like the fundraiser is supposed to be for other expenses (food, gas money, lodging, etc). Things not covered by insurance.

It sounds like Medicaid pays for the bills but there are so many additional expenses associated with chronic illnesses that are OOP expenses.

OP, I would take what is said with a grain of salt because it is only ne side and it's based on what someone else told you...not what you found it directly. If you are not comfortable contributing that's your choice but I don't think you should do anything else about it.

Ive been sick for 10 years. I am currently back in the hospital...been here for 24 days so far. We have insurance (private) so MOST of the medical bills are covered (but we still have the deductable, OOP maximum, etc) but everything else....gas, parking, food, etc is not. And the hospital is 45-90 mins from our house depending on traffic. My mom stays overnight at the hospital because we can't afford the expense of a hotel.

So many people assume that if someone has insurance all expenses are covered....so not the case. I would not assume its a scam just based on what you heard.

And the niece probably does have to return to the hospital far away at least for a little while if that's where the surgery was done. Especially with Medicaid, they may be very limited on their options of physicians and facilities so that might be where they have to go for her treatment.

The way that I read the OP is that she is saying that there are not medical expenses due to medicaid so therefore the fundraiser is not needed to cover medical expenses.

I don't doubt that there are extra costs and strains on the family because of the daughter's illness. The questions about Medicaid were my first reaction to the OP and I thought they were valid.

In fact, I would be more inclined with the rest of the posters to advise the op to not say anything and let the fundraiser happen because I am sure there are extra expenses that they could use help with, especially if she is receiving Medicaid.

 

[keetmommy]

I know from having friends with sick children that it always has a big impact on the family financially, even if they are very comfortable and insurance covers most of the expenses. There are traveling expenses, plus expenses of eating easier meals because they aren't home, plus things to keep the kiddo occupied in waiting rooms, and more that most of us can't even imagine.

Are there some scammers? Of course. Are there families who have a harder time due to circumstances? Yes. But it's always a very big deal, unless maybe you're just astoundingly rich.

I wouldn't say anything to anybody. If you have any doubts and feel compelled to do something, the first thing you need to do is get closer to the situation and see it with your own eyes. You can donate or not donate as you choose, but there's no need to spread rumors.

Amen! Not everything is covered by insurance...my daughter has been sick most of her life. We have stuff covered by insurance..but there is only so much vacation my dh has (I have been a stay at home mom due to her illnesses) meals at the hospital are expensive, when you drive 2 hours each way in a day plus an appointment; your tired and dont always feel up to cooking dinner so you might order a pizza. We had some people judge us on somethings we spent money on because someone had helped us (The group that helped us told us we were to do something with Emma with some of the money so we know we did nothing wrong.) Until you have walked a mile in someone elses shoes dont judge!

 

[luvsJack]

Why is she receiving Medicaid? Isn't receiving Medicaid based on income? And if she qualifies, then they met the income qualifications? Or did they falsify Medicaid documents?

They meet the income qualifications.

I know from having friends with sick children that it always has a big impact on the family financially, even if they are very comfortable and insurance covers most of the expenses. There are traveling expenses, plus expenses of eating easier meals because they aren't home, plus things to keep the kiddo occupied in waiting rooms, and more that most of us can't even imagine.

Are there some scammers? Of course. Are there families who have a harder time due to circumstances? Yes. But it's always a very big deal, unless maybe you're just astoundingly rich.

I wouldn't say anything to anybody. If you have any doubts and feel compelled to do something, the first thing you need to do is get closer to the situation and see it with your own eyes. You can donate or not donate as you choose, but there's no need to spread rumors.

You know, I hadn't really thought about the meals when they have to take her to those appointments. A gift card from some restaurant close to the hospital where I think the appointments would be helpful.

When she stayed in the hospital, from what I saw on FB, it seemed that her mom and siblings were with her. Not sure about the step dad. The mom may have to take all of them with her to the appointments and its far enough away, that food would be an issue.

Mom or dad might have to take off work for the appts. Your niece might also have needs that are not met by Medicaid. Give with a good heart or don't give. The rest sounds like pot stirring. The niece you talked to believe it or not might be jealous of the mom with the sick child. It happens.

You could have something there. The family dynamics here is a web that is hard to explain. But dgn did live with her aunt for awhile after her father's death. In fact she was diagnosed during that time.

I do want to help the child, no doubts there. I just want to know that its helping the child. Either by making sure she gets to her appointments or something she needs.


Thanks everyone, you helped me see it from another side. I think that I will talk to my mom and sister and we can all come up with ways to help that we feel comfortable with.

 

[bdcp]

We have friends who lost their daughter after a 3 year battle with cancer when she was just 12. They did have expenses, such as travel to a hospital over an hour away for surgery and treatments, but that said, they NEVER asked for anything and also would never have done their OWN fundraising. Our church offered up help and people donated meals, gas cards and restaurant cards because they were traveling those distances, but as I said, they never asked for anything. Friends did this for them. Big difference. Every fundraiser I've seen for a sick child has been set up and run by others, not by the parents.

 

[Disney Doll]

I'd do a gas card.

Everyone uses gas, even if it's to go to appointments in town, they still use gas.
If they're going to a hospital farther away, they still use gas.

That way you're donating but not giving money that they might fritter away on other things not related to the illness.

As far as the rest of it...if you don't know for certain, then I wouldn't say anything.

 

[Robbi]

They meet the income qualifications.



You know, I hadn't really thought about the meals when they have to take her to those appointments. A gift card from some restaurant close to the hospital where I think the appointments would be helpful.

When she stayed in the hospital, from what I saw on FB, it seemed that her mom and siblings were with her. Not sure about the step dad. The mom may have to take all of them with her to the appointments and its far enough away, that food would be an issue.



You could have something there. The family dynamics here is a web that is hard to explain. But dgn did live with her aunt for awhile after her father's death. In fact she was diagnosed during that time.

I do want to help the child, no doubts there. I just want to know that its helping the child. Either by making sure she gets to her appointments or something she needs.


Thanks everyone, you helped me see it from another side. I think that I will talk to my mom and sister and we can all come up with ways to help that we feel comfortable with.

Family dynamics are very weird sometimes. A few months after one of my nieces was born, she was diagnosed with failue to thrive. The doctors also though she might have dwarfism. DBIL and DSIL were at lunch with us at my inlaws. I told them that I thought the baby was beautiful and looked fine. MY DSIL almost bit off my head. She was livid. Turned out in the end that, thank God, my niece was fine. It was so odd to me that DSIL would get angry over me complimenting her baby.

 

[luvsJack]

We have friends who lost their daughter after a 3 year battle with cancer when she was just 12. They did have expenses, such as travel to a hospital over an hour away for surgery and treatments, but that said, they NEVER asked for anything and also would never have done their OWN fundraising. Our church offered up help and people donated meals, gas cards and restaurant cards because they were traveling those distances, but as I said, they never asked for anything. Friends did this for them. Big difference. Every fundraiser I've seen for a sick child has been set up and run by others, not by the parents.

That is usually the way it is here too. Most are organized either by some part of the community or one of the churches. It just raised a red flag for me.

 

[bellebud]

Family dynamics are very weird sometimes. A few months after one of my nieces was born, she was diagnosed with failue to thrive. The doctors also though she might have dwarfism. DBIL and DSIL were at lunch with us at my inlaws. I told them that I thought the baby was beautiful and looked fine. MY DSIL almost bit off my head. She was livid. Turned out in the end that, thank God, my niece was fine. It was so odd to me that DSIL would get angry over me complimenting her baby.

If I had to guess, I'd say she felt like you were minimizing, poo-pooing the possible reality of their baby having issues (I'm sure you didn't mean it that way).

As a mom of 2 kids who have issues, it hurts me when someone says "it's ok", or "they're fine", or something along those lines. It doesn't feel like support, knim? It feels dismissive.