Would you allow your high school aged DD/DS to do this?

[disykat]

Since several of have asked, how about explaining it again? I genuinely can't see any risks in saying NO to a child, especially in a situation that 75% of the parents here have said they would not allow.

I'm pretty sure Bicker will just reiterate that he has experienced kids who were unprepared for being away for home and that he blames this on them not being given enough independence (which is what he equates with not allowing to travel with a girlfriend/boyfriend) while still at home. He will call this a fact and refuse to see that many of us simply disagree that saying no to a weekend with a girlfriend/boyfriend will cause our children to be unprepared.

 

[MrsPete]

For those who are asking what the danger is in saying no, this was the argument presented. Some folks have suggested that if you don't allow these unsupervised weekends, your child will not be adequately prepared to be independent later.

Ah, I don't agree with that argument. Independence is developed in many ways, and I disagree with this particular step for a high schooler.

I was an RA in college, and I saw plenty of people who made it /didn't make it in the freshman dorm. I'd say emotional maturity, not experiences, is what made the difference. The ability to discipline oneself, to study when playing would be more fun, to budget one's money, to take care of one's self . . . a weekend trip with a boyfriend isn't going to make or break these traits. But emphasizing these things for years while the child is still living in your house WILL help assure that the child's going to be ready for independent living.

So I still don't see any risk in saying, "No, I won't allow this trip."

Going away with someone like that is an adult activity. It takes the relationship to a whole new mature adult level. I'm not even talking about sex. I'm talking about giving that much of yourself to another to person - intertwining your lives like that. It's risky and it takes great emotional stability and maturity. And if the relationship doens't work out it causes that much more devastation.

Bingo.

I do think it is dangerous to not allow any time alone with a significant other and in other ways totally shelter a kid until they move off to college (one poster did say their older teen was NEVER alone--even out of the house--with his girlfriend)

I agree with not over-sheltering a child. I know a couple kids my daughter's age who've literally never been anywhere without a parent /trusted friend's parents -- I think they're going to have a tough adjustment in college, IF they make it. But there's a world of space in between that sheltered extreme and allowing unsupervised weekend trips with a boyfriend.

Independence-building activities I'd see as appropriate for a 16-17 year old: Day trips with friends (or even a boyfriend), especially those that'd include driving themselves, summer camp (especially a leadership program), a job, babysitting, chores around the house or in other people's houses, school trips (or scouts, or band). Loads of other options build independent behavior.

You consider those sex scenes graphic? Perhaps I'm looking at it by modern standards, but those scenes are pretty tame.

Yes, standards have changed, and that only means parents need to pay more attention.

 

[shortbun]

No way! Iwould not even start her on birth control. Despite anyones thoughts here it revolves around moral issues. So if someone wants to flame so be it.

OK, here's your flame. I would be way more concerned about my child's safety at 17-underage and alone, that I would any moral issues. Morality at that age would be up to the 17yo. Btw, I voted 'no.' And for those of you who argue-college is just a year away.....yes, a year away and that year is so full of learning and expressing freedoms within certain guidelines. College dorms are supervised and they have help or counseling available to anyone who needs it.

 

[luvmy3]

Independence-building activities I'd see as appropriate for a 16-17 year old: Day trips with friends (or even a boyfriend), especially those that'd include driving themselves, summer camp (especially a leadership program), a job, babysitting, chores around the house or in other people's houses, school trips (or scouts, or band). Loads of other options build independent behavior.
Yes, standards have changed, and that only means parents need to pay more attention.

Just to clarify, the girl the OP is referring to in this thread is 17 almost 18, so many of the responses are probably with that in mind. While an 18 year old isn't much older than a 16 year old, they are legally allowed to be responsible for themselves on a level that is much higher than babysitting, scouts, band etc. Letting them go away with a boy/girlfriend or just friends at that age is far from inappropriate considering that they would in a sense be able to leave their home and live with either of those people.

 

[tiggger1]

I voted maybe. When I was in high school my drama club went to NYC to see some Broadway Shows twice a year. I was with my boyfriend a at least 2 of those trips. We stayed in a hotel 4 to a room ( all same sex but we managed to sneak into each other rooms )and we had a blast. Even though were not completely alone we were alone enough and still nothing bad happened.. and honestly if they want to have sex they will find a place... its just as easy to have sex in the back of a car...

 

[MELSMICE]

For those who are asking what the danger is in saying no, this was the argument presented. Some folks have suggested that if you don't allow these unsupervised weekends, your child will not be adequately prepared to be independent later.

Oh, I'm all good then. I haven't allowed my DD's to go away with BF's for a weekend, however, DH & I have gone away & our DD's have stayed home alone & then met us in WDW actually on more than one occasion.

So, they have been independent by staying home alone & then unsupervised/independent enough to get themselves from our house to a WDW resort without any help from mom or dad.

Also, 2 of my DD's have flown to Florida with friends by themselves & one has spent a week in our Florida condo with friends.......all unsupervised. Of course, she is 20 & a legal adult, but imagine four 20 & 21 year old girls & you can also imagine what was going through our minds as to what they might be doing. They were all mature enough & independent enough to get themselves from point A to point B, open the condo from it's "summerized" state & put it back into "summerized" mode before heading home. She's heading to California at the end of this month by herself to meet my brother in Disneyland. I know............she's 20, but she's still a kid in my heart!

So, even though I wouldn't approve of a weekend away with a BF, I think I've made my DD's pretty independent, responsible & mature enough to handle situations without DH or myself. Therefore, I still don't see saying "No" as dangerous in the OP's scenario.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

If they don't go on vacation together does anyone really believe they aren't having sex at home?

Although it's a severely upsetting thought it's just how it is.....

 

[disykat]

If they don't go on vacation together does anyone really believe they aren't having sex at home?

Although it's a severely upsetting thought it's just how it is.....

Should we change the speed limit signs because people speed?

 

[bicker]

I'm pretty sure Bicker will just reiterate that he has experienced kids who were unprepared for being away for home and that he blames this on them not being given enough independence (which is what he equates with not allowing to travel with a girlfriend/boyfriend) while still at home. He will call this a fact and refuse to see that many of us simply disagree that saying no to a weekend with a girlfriend/boyfriend will cause our children to be unprepared.

The events I relayed are indeed facts. History. You cannot deny them. They happened. And the corollary events that others relayed also happened. Facts. The only reasonable equivocation is to claim that the risk of those things happening with your children is low, and we can disagree about that. You can't deny that there is risk because these things have already happened.

And my contention is that many parents try to deny the reality of that risk because they don't want to confront the fact that they're choosing to venerate their own beliefs and values over what is necessarily best for their children. (That, by the way, is an opinion. That's what the word "contention" connotes.)

 

[MELSMICE]

If they don't go on vacation together does anyone really believe they aren't having sex at home?

Although it's a severely upsetting thought it's just how it is.....

It would be naive to think that, however, that doesn't change the fact that I wouldn't condone 17 year old high school students to go off on a weekend get-a-way.

The events I relayed are indeed facts. History. You cannot deny them. They happened. And the corollary events that others relayed also happened. Facts. The only reasonable equivocation is to claim that the risk of those things happening with your children is low, and we can disagree about that. You can't deny that there is risk because these things have already happened.

And my contention is that many parents try to deny the reality of that risk because they don't want to confront the fact that they're choosing to venerate their own beliefs and values over what is necessarily best for their children. (That, by the way, is an opinion. That's what the word "contention" connotes.)

I guess I've been living on the edge of danger with my DD's then all this time. They still seem to be handling adult situations pretty well though as they go through life.

I guess our parenting style was/is to let them fly a little at a time while gently guiding them through life's situations. They have turned in to independent young adults that continue to respect us and the guidelines we have set. One of my DH's favorite things to say to our DD's when faced with a dilemma is "figure it out" & they do just that.

Also, when they are growing up, regardless of their age, once you release the reins & allow it once you can't take it back (well, you can, but it's more difficult).

A little OT question: For those of you that would allow your high school child to go off on a weekend alone, assuming that if they are going to have sex with BF/GF they will find a way regardless.............do you also allow your underage child & their friends to drink in your home? They will and do find ways to drink outside your home anyway without your knowledge?

 

[MrsPete]

Just to clarify, the girl the OP is referring to in this thread is 17 almost 18, so many of the responses are probably with that in mind. While an 18 year old isn't much older than a 16 year old, they are legally allowed to be responsible for themselves on a level that is much higher than babysitting, scouts, band etc. Letting them go away with a boy/girlfriend or just friends at that age is far from inappropriate considering that they would in a sense be able to leave their home and live with either of those people.

But she's still in high school, still living at home under her parents' protection and guidance -- and that's a world of difference.

 

[MrsPete]

. . . staying home alone & then unsupervised/independent enough to get themselves from our house to a WDW resort without any help from mom or dad . . . flown to Florida with friends by themselves . . . mature enough & independent enough to get themselves from point A to point B . . .

We're on the same page: providing age-appropriate experiences that allow teens to develop independence, but those trips don't have to include an unsupervised boyfriend-girlfriend trip.

 

[MrsPete]

If they don't go on vacation together does anyone really believe they aren't having sex at home?

Although it's a severely upsetting thought it's just how it is.....

Yes, this is a concern, but it is not the only concern. It isn't even the biggest concern.

 

[MrsPete]

The events I relayed are indeed facts. History. You cannot deny them. They happened. And the corollary events that others relayed also happened. Facts. The only reasonable equivocation is to claim that the risk of those things happening with your children is low, and we can disagree about that. You can't deny that there is risk because these things have already happened.

And my contention is that many parents try to deny the reality of that risk because they don't want to confront the fact that they're choosing to venerate their own beliefs and values over what is necessarily best for their children. (That, by the way, is an opinion. That's what the word "contention" connotes.)

Are you still concerned about children heading off into the wild world of college naive and unprepared? If the facts to which you refer are your own experiences (or friends' experiences that you've observed) in college, then those are indeed your personal history; however, that doesn't make them universal facts.

You're over-simplifying the question of "who's gonna make it in college". No one thing -- especially not one weekend away -- is going to make or break your child once she hits college. Her preparedness (or lack of preparedness) for college is a cumulation of all the things you've done (or haven't done) in the 18 years leading up to her leaving for the university.

Reasonable equivocation? That's an oxymoron.

 

[Acklander]

A little OT question: For those of you that would allow your high school child to go off on a weekend alone, assuming that if they are going to have sex with BF/GF they will find a way regardless.............do you also allow your underage child & their friends to drink in your home? They will and do find ways to drink outside your home anyway without your knowledge?

I believe the OP stated that the HS student in question was a few months away from being 18, so I don't consider that "a child". I stated "maybe" because it would depend on the individual and how responsible that person is. I wouldn't allow or disallow based on if they're sexually active. I would take that out of the mix because it has no bearing on my decision.
That being said, yes my teens will occasionally have a glass of wine with dinner or a beer after working all day in the yard while at home. I don't allow it because "they're going to be drinking outside the home anyway without my knowledge" but because we have no problem with responsible drinking in the home. They've never considered it a big deal, and still don't.

 

[MELSMICE]

I believe the OP stated that the HS student in question was a few months away from being 18, so I don't consider that "a child". I stated "maybe" because it would depend on the individual and how responsible that person is. I wouldn't allow or disallow based on if they're sexually active. I would take that out of the mix because it has no bearing on my decision.
That being said, yes my teens will occasionally have a glass of wine with dinner or a beer after working all day in the yard while at home. I don't allow it because "they're going to be drinking outside the home anyway without my knowledge" but because we have no problem with responsible drinking in the home. They've never considered it a big deal, and still don't.

My DD's will also occasionally have a drink with us when we are home as family together for the entire evening - it usually amounts to a few sips of a drink, actually. It is no big deal for them either. We've always felt if you make it taboo they'll want to explore it in a less responsible manner.

My question would be: Do you allow your underage children/young adults to drink at your home with their friends? They are going to find a way outside the home to do it anyway. I know people that have allowed underage drinking at grad parties. It was well "advertised" to the kids prior to the event.

I realize this is a totally different topic & a completely different path than the OP was on, but could still fall under the premise of "if you allow it then you condone it".

 

[Acklander]

My question would be: Do you allow your underage children/young adults to drink at your home with their friends? They are going to find a way outside the home to do it anyway. I know people that have allowed underage drinking at grad parties. It was well "advertised" to the kids prior to the event.

.

No, but that's because it's not my right to override what another parent decides for their kids. I can only speak for my own kids. In the OP's scenerio I believe the other parents were fine with the weekend, so I would base my decision on if I thought they were responsible enough to be away for the weekend, knowing that the other parent was comfortable with it.

 

[MrsPete]

They are going to find a way outside the home to do it anyway.

Don't assume. I know that quite a few high schoolers drink -- many with parental permission. But a good number -- mostly those with involved parents who've talked to them about the benefits of waiting -- do not. Assuming that "it's just going to happen" is essentialy giving permission.

I didn't drink in high school. Not once. My four siblings didn't. And IF they were lying to me then, I think they would've come clean by now. Thusfar, my high school junior daughter doesn't.

I've talked to my girls about our family's genetic disposition towards alcoholism, and how my generation has made a conscious decision NOT to follow in those footsteps. Also, last year my high school daughter had a horrible example of what you can lose if you drink irresponsibly. She was absolutely appauled, we talked about it extensively, and I feel fairly sure she won't drink in high school.

 

[MELSMICE]

Don't assume. I know that quite a few high schoolers drink -- many with parental permission. But a good number -- mostly those with involved parents who've talked to them about the benefits of waiting -- do not. Assuming that "it's just going to happen" is essentialy giving permission.

I didn't drink in high school. Not once. My four siblings didn't. And IF they were lying to me then, I think they would've come clean by now. Thusfar, my high school junior daughter doesn't.

I've talked to my girls about our family's genetic disposition towards alcoholism, and how my generation has made a conscious decision NOT to follow in those footsteps. Also, last year my high school daughter had a horrible example of what you can lose if you drink irresponsibly. She was absolutely appauled, we talked about it extensively, and I feel fairly sure she won't drink in high school.

I know my DD's have been in situations where there is drinking. I also know that on at least one occasion my twins did drink, thinking they wouldn't get caught. I over heard a conversation one of them was having on the phone, DH & I figured out what happened & we confronted them about it. We didn't pull any punches as our to disappointment in them & what they stood to lose both at school & home if they pulled stunt like that again.

They will be starting college in 2 weeks - one of them is going away. I have no illusions that they will refrain from drinking until they are 21, but I do hope that they will stop & think about our conversations & what the repercussions are to their choices before they make them.

For us, this is one of those situations where we have guided them, set the standards, told them of the consequences of their choices & now they must learn to make the right decision on their own.

 

[MineMail]

She'll have lots of years and lots of chances to vacation with boyfriends in the future. No need to rush things. I really don't think she needs to be sitting across the breakfast table from him in her jammies every day for a week. Just a little too much familiarity and too reinforcing of the "we're going to be together forever" thing.

I agree with this statement - sometimes as parents you have to put the brakes on "grown up" experiences so that they don't get ahead of themselves. At 15, they really do think they're in love and will be devoted to each other forever. Until the breakup post on Facebook goes up with the new SO's photo. If you can't break with someone properly, you're not mature enough to be having a relationship.