Would you allow your high school aged DD/DS to do this?

[The Mystery Machine]

When we went to orientation last year at a large state university, there was a very heated discussion about opposite sex sleep overs.

One mother basically got up and said for what she is paying in tuition the university should guarantee there will be no opposite sex sleep overs. The university told her the students were adults and they didn't monitor things like that. The mother then got REALLY heated and said as long as she was paying the bills, they weren't adults and the school should have a say in what goes on. The school basically told her too bad, thats the way it was.

So I guess that begs the question how many guys have sleep over in the dorms for those of us that went to college and stayed in them?

Maybe an anonymous poll?

 

[powellrj]

So I guess that begs the question how many guys have sleep over in the dorms for those of us that went to college and stayed in them?

Maybe an anonymous poll?

I think you maybe on to something, we have a budget board, transportation board, family board, why not have a poll board?????!!!

We could sit around and come up with poll ideas and then argue about them for the next week or so until we get a new topic!

 

[golfgal]

When we went to orientation last year at a large state university, there was a very heated discussion about opposite sex sleep overs.

One mother basically got up and said for what she is paying in tuition the university should guarantee there will be no opposite sex sleep overs. The university told her the students were adults and they didn't monitor things like that. The mother then got REALLY heated and said as long as she was paying the bills, they weren't adults and the school should have a say in what goes on. The school basically told her too bad, thats the way it was.

Doesn't that mom realize that most dorms have CO-ED floors now

 

[disneyelaine]

Didn't anyone have a college roommate like mine? Her parents paid for her to live on campus, but she lived with her boyfriend off campus in his apartment. She only came back to the dorm one time that year and that was when her parents came to visit! Talk about weird....having to "act" like we knew eachother in front of her parents. I felt bad for her parents forking over money for a dorm she never lived in.

Then a few years later I had another roommate who did the same thing. She was getting a full ride....grants due to financial need. She did come "home" to shower in the morning, but her boyfriend was much much older and had to be at work at 7am, so he just dropped her off each morning to shower & she'd go to class and he'd pick her up again after he got off work.

Neither of these girl's parents had a clue. This was 25 yrs ago.

 

[golfgal]

Didn't anyone have a college roommate like mine? Her parents paid for her to live on campus, but she lived with her boyfriend off campus in his apartment. She only came back to the dorm one time that year and that was when her parents came to visit! Talk about weird....having to "act" like we knew eachother in front of her parents. I felt bad for her parents forking over money for a dorm she never lived in.

Then a few years later I had another roommate who did the same thing. She was getting a full ride....grants due to financial need. She did come "home" to shower in the morning, but her boyfriend was much much older and had to be at work at 7am, so he just dropped her off each morning to shower & she'd go to class and he'd pick her up again after he got off work.

Neither of these girl's parents had a clue. This was 25 yrs ago.

WOW you really lucked out-got the room to yourself. I would not have been upset over that situation if I were you . I didn't have any roommates like this in 4 years of college, not that there weren't the occasional sleepover in a boyfriend's room or vice versa but not on a permanent basis.

 

[Hannathy]

RA's watching them yeah right. MY DD was at her college orientation in June about a week after graduating and they didn't even watch them then. She was out with a group of kids walking around and eating till 4AM this was a mixed group. These kids were all 17 or newly 18 and it was 3 months till they would be moving away to school and this was a Religious based school lol

Once your child gets into the college system they treat them as adults and if they haven't had any practice making decisions on their own I feel sorry for them because they are flying solo for the first time without a net versus those kids who were allowed to make critical choices and decisions when there was still a safety net in place.

 

[luvmy3]

When we went to orientation last year at a large state university, there was a very heated discussion about opposite sex sleep overs.

One mother basically got up and said for what she is paying in tuition the university should guarantee there will be no opposite sex sleep overs. The university told her the students were adults and they didn't monitor things like that. The mother then got REALLY heated and said as long as she was paying the bills, they weren't adults and the school should have a say in what goes on. The school basically told her too bad, thats the way it was.

Yikes, I bet her kid was dying to go away to school

 

[Sparx]

Didn't anyone have a college roommate like mine? Her parents paid for her to live on campus, but she lived with her boyfriend off campus in his apartment. She only came back to the dorm one time that year and that was when her parents came to visit! Talk about weird....having to "act" like we knew eachother in front of her parents. I felt bad for her parents forking over money for a dorm she never lived in.

Then a few years later I had another roommate who did the same thing. She was getting a full ride....grants due to financial need. She did come "home" to shower in the morning, but her boyfriend was much much older and had to be at work at 7am, so he just dropped her off each morning to shower & she'd go to class and he'd pick her up again after he got off work.

Neither of these girl's parents had a clue. This was 25 yrs ago.

I'm in college right now and this DEFINITELY happens all the time. I've had several friends with MIA roommates who used their dorm as a closet and a shower.

 

[disykat]

And part of what I'm saying is that the "no" people are allowing (their own personal) beliefs to trump (everyone's collective) experiences. I even said that that was a legitimate decision, but it is one that people should acknowledge that that's what they're doing. What really worries me is how hard folks work to avoid admitting that.

But, speaking as one of the 75% of "no" people we are allowing our experiences to guide us. We haven't had your experiences. Most of us probably went off to college. I did. I know tons of kids going off to college every year. That's a lot of collective experiences that have been different than yours. The fact that someone on the internet thinks that I'm avoiding the facts he's presenting aren't enough to change my opinion.

I guess you'll just have to stay in the dark as to why we all aren't switching our votes due to your posts because I've tried as hard as I'm willing to explain it!

 

[Momvic5]

I was one of those really sheltered kids, and when I went flying solo as an 18yr old, I did just fine. I lived in a dorm for 2yrs and saw all kinds of things...was it shocking? - sure, was it frightening? - some of it, was it overwhelming? - sometimes, but I survived and actually did very well. Experience is not everything it is cracked up to be....sometimes age and the ability to process and make sense of situations are more important than exposure. When I was younger, my mom used to tell me that some situations were better suited for me when I was older and stronger. She said that it was kind of like handing me a very heavy suitcase...I may be able to drag or push it along, but I wouldn't be able to fully carry it.....with time, I would grow, become stronger, and be ready to carry it. I think she was right....experience is important but so is maturity and knowing when your child is strong enough to carry a heavy load. I think I was successful because I was ready and able to carry to the load.....even though I was lacking experience.

 

[cm8]

I voted maybe, as a parent I have hopefully equipted my children with the knowledge and assessments that this world requires in order to move forward. If I can have faith in my parenting and in my child, then he or she would have my permission to go. I would pray and hope that all I have instilled in them would come through and they would make smart choices.

"train up a child in the way that he shall go, so that when the child is older he will not stray":

 

[penn19]

I vote no.
Take sex out of the equation. For me I think that vacationing with a significant other is something adults do. Not high school kids. I also think that to be an adult it doesn't magically happen at 18. When I am no longer paying your way then you can do as you please. Until then no. Yes, they can go away to college and do as they please but while in my home the answer would be no.
I think vacationing together is much more than sex. It makes you too familiar with each other. I wouldn't let them live together so I wouldn't let them spend the night somewhere together either. I am sure I am not explaining it correctly but that is how I feel.
Oh- and for those that don't think a girl would get a reputation from something like this you are kidding yourself. You will also be looked at as a promiscuious parent. Not trying to be mean but that is the truth.

This. I guess I just don't see a reason WHY they need to go away together? I think parents raise their kids now to think that they are entitled to do everything an adult does.

 

[bicker]

But, speaking as one of the 75% of "no" people we are allowing our experiences to guide us. We haven't had your experiences.

Now you have; we've shared them with you. Those aren't opinions that folks are sharing with you, of how dorms really are. They're actual realities.

Now the question is whether or not you'll move forward drawing a balance between your personal values and the ramifications of the realities that folks have outlined for you, as they unequivocally are, or will you instead choose to ignore those realities, considering them the same as you would consider opinions.

That's a lot of collective experiences that have been different than yours.

Wasn't it you who said, earlier, "It only takes once ..."? Look, above, at the number of messages where folks are relaying their own personal experience, as both student and parent, of the dorm-room-swapping reality. It is an overwhelming percentage, but even if it wasn't - even if it was only 10% - folks still would reasonably want to integrate that reality into their approach to preparing their own children for living away from home.

The fact that someone on the internet thinks that I'm avoiding the facts he's presenting aren't enough to change my opinion.

No one is trying to change your opinion. The object is to change your approach (and not really even specifically about this one specific scenario). Beyond that, remember that I didn't vote "yes".

I guess you'll just have to stay in the dark as to why we all aren't switching our votes due to your posts because I've tried as hard as I'm willing to explain it!

First, I have understood all you've posted - don't you worry about me. Second, my understanding is unimportant. It doesn't affect anyone else. What matters is your understanding, because that affects your children. What matters is whether or not you're going to do all you can to prepare them for what they're almost surely going to encounter in real life, or instead expect that your beliefs about how things should go for them should prevail over realities. I wish you, and yours, the best in that.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

You know, this thread has me chuckling. I am in the no way on earth category. For those who say it is fine, it prepares them for college etc. I think that is absolutely untrue and even silly. Hence the chuckling. Do you really think having romantic weekends away with your SO in high school is teaching your child how to cope in college? Yes- they are romantic weekends for your kids. They may want to spend time at the beach or wherever but in the end they are viewing it as a romantic weekend. I am not even talking sex because that can happen anywhere. Intimacy, familiarity- that kind of stuff. Weekends away with a SO do not prepare kids for anything imo. They merely put children- yes they are in high school so they are children no matter how old they are- in an adult situation that is not appropriate for them. It places way too much emphasis on their relationship as well. Maybe it is me but I have no desire to push my child into marriage thoughts while in high school. Yeah, they may think about it anyway but I am not going to book the catering hall so to speak. I want them to live life for a bit and focus on themselves.

Now for all those who talk about "sheltered" kids I will talk about the opposite. Every single girl I know who had parents who allowed the sleepovers and vacations did not go to college. Some ended up with babies- which isn't terrible but they can barely support themselves. Some ended up with other problems but none have furthered themselves at all to make a better life. They are stuck in high school so to speak. They were not ready for adult things like that. It was all fun and games to them. These were smart kids. None of them ended up married either.

So for me- my kids have plenty of time in their adult life to do adult things. There is no need to rush anything. They will have age appropriate freedoms. Vacationing with your SO while in high school is not age appropriate imo.

 

[MUFFYCAT]

When we went to orientation last year at a large state university, there was a very heated discussion about opposite sex sleep overs.

One mother basically got up and said for what she is paying in tuition the university should guarantee there will be no opposite sex sleep overs. The university told her the students were adults and they didn't monitor things like that. The mother then got REALLY heated and said as long as she was paying the bills, they weren't adults and the school should have a say in what goes on. The school basically told her too bad, thats the way it was.

Doesn't that mom realize that most dorms have CO-ED floors now

Last year we had a similiar women who didn't like the idea also and the college responded the same way.

 

[luvmy3]

You know, this thread has me chuckling. I am in the no way on earth category. For those who say it is fine, it prepares them for college etc. I think that is absolutely untrue and even silly. Hence the chuckling. Do you really think having romantic weekends away with your SO in high school is teaching your child how to cope in college? Yes- they are romantic weekends for your kids. They may want to spend time at the beach or wherever but in the end they are viewing it as a romantic weekend. I am not even talking sex because that can happen anywhere. Intimacy, familiarity- that kind of stuff. Weekends away with a SO do not prepare kids for anything imo. They merely put children- yes they are in high school so they are children no matter how old they are- in an adult situation that is not appropriate for them. It places way too much emphasis on their relationship as well. Maybe it is me but I have no desire to push my child into marriage thoughts while in high school. Yeah, they may think about it anyway but I am not going to book the catering hall so to speak. I want them to live life for a bit and focus on themselves.

Now for all those who talk about "sheltered" kids I will talk about the opposite. Every single girl I know who had parents who allowed the sleepovers and vacations did not go to college. Some ended up with babies- which isn't terrible but they can barely support themselves. Some ended up with other problems but none have furthered themselves at all to make a better life. They are stuck in high school so to speak. They were not ready for adult things like that. It was all fun and games to them. These were smart kids. None of them ended up married either.

So for me- my kids have plenty of time in their adult life to do adult things. There is no need to rush anything. They will have age appropriate freedoms. Vacationing with your SO while in high school is not age appropriate imo.

I don't see a 17 year old as a child, and when my kids are that age I don't plan on treating them as if they still are. Of course I don't see a weekend trip with a BF the same as you. If I am going to allow my kids (I say that meaning offspring ) to have long term relationships, then I am telling them they are ready for "adult" relationships, so by the time they are 17 almost 18 a weekend trip with the SO isn't going to push them into anything that they probably haven't felt, IMO.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I don't see a 17 year old as a child, and when my kids are that age I don't plan on treating them as if they still are. Of course I don't see a weekend trip with a BF the same as you. If I am going to allow my kids (I say that meaning offspring ) to have long term relationships, then I am telling them they are ready for "adult" relationships, so by the time they are 17 almost 18 a weekend trip with the SO isn't going to push them into anything that they probably haven't felt, IMO.

A long term relationship is much different at 16-17 than it is at say 26-27.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

A long term relationship is much different at 16-17 than it is at say 26-27.

How so? I know plenty of 16/17 year old couples who went on to get married and have wonderful relationships. I know plenty of 26/27 year old couples who were far from mature enough to handle the same type of relationship.

No matter how much each side wants to overgeneralize, the truth is that each person handles things differently. Situations like this need to be examined on a case-by-case basis.

 

[MELSMICE]

A long term relationship is much different at 16-17 than it is at say 26-27.

Agreed.

 

[luvmy3]

A long term relationship is much different at 16-17 than it is at say 26-27.

Not to that 17-18 year old.

ETA If they are in a committed long term relationship then going away to the beach isn't going to put that relationship to the next level, they are already there.