Would you allow your high school aged DD/DS to do this?

[Hannathy]

They can have privacy by renting a motel room in your local town, on an afternoon that you think they're going to the movies. Going through all the planning and expense of going somewhere special means that they want to enjoy something that they can't do locally.

agreed that is what I was referring to as far as if they want to have sex they won't wait until they go away for a weekend. Around here JR and Sr's can leave school over lunch so it wouldn't be any problem to go to someones home where both parents work and have "private" time or as you say not go to the movies etc. Or how about school getting out around 3 and parents not getting home till 5 or 6 that happens 5 days a week not to mention summer........

 

[MELSMICE]

I understand....however, I think that if a teenage couple is taking a weekend trip together, it probably indicates that they WANT privacy.

Agreed.

They can have privacy by renting a motel room in your local town, on an afternoon that you think they're going to the movies. Going through all the planning and expense of going somewhere special means that they want to enjoy something that they can't do locally.

Yes, they can rent a hotel room, which also costs money.

My guess is that in most cases, they are planning the trip to enjoy an activity they can't do locally & also enjoying each other's company in a more intimate way.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I understand....however, I think that if a teenage couple is taking a weekend trip together, it probably indicates that they WANT privacy.

Like a couple of other posters who read this before i did, I would assume it means they want to go wherever it is they are going--and would like experiences that place together.

 

[aprilgail2]

I can't even imagine DH "inviting" me on vacation when we were dating, and I've never heard of any of my friend being invited by a boyfriend. .

When I was a kid I invivted my boyfriends on vacaiton with us all the time. It was usually to a cabin we rented in Pa with my whole family-- over the year from 15-18 I am sure I took 3 different boyfriends there on vacation with us---NEVER EVER had sex while we were there on vacation with the family---sure we could have had a few quickies anyplace there but we didn't---had it when we were NOT on vacation--but never on vacation.

 

[MarkBarbieri]

I had to vote yes because both my wife and I were living away from home while we were 18. She moved from Michigan to Houston when she finished high school at age 17. I moved off to college a month before I turned 18. Obviously, neither of us was "supervised".

As for my own kids, it'll depend.

 

[Momvic5]

Maybe, or it could be that they just want to go and do something together (beach, amusement park, camping). Wanting to spend time together that involves an overnight stay doesn't always have to mean they want to be alone so they can be intimate. I think teens find plenty of time for privacy at home (if they didn't alot less would be having sex and the pregnancy rate would be much lower).

They can have privacy by renting a motel room in your local town, on an afternoon that you think they're going to the movies. Going through all the planning and expense of going somewhere special means that they want to enjoy something that they can't do locally.

Like a couple of other posters who read this before i did, I would assume it means they want to go wherever it is they are going--and would like experiences that place together.

You can rationalize it as you please....but I still think you are sending mixed messages ......."I trust you enough to spend a weekend alone 120miles away at a beach house, but I don't trust you enough to spend 30minutes in your bedroom alone with the door shut while I am 10ft away." I just think you are setting yourself up for problems to come......

 

[bicker]

You can rationalize it as you please....

That works both ways. Several times in this thread I outlined the crux of the issue:

In my Junior and Senior years, I ran the hot-line, and I cannot count the number of freshman who were simply overwhelmed by the shock of their first, legitimate on-their-own experience. Their parents clearly did absolutely nothing to prepare them for practicing personal responsibility. They had the book-knowledge, of course - their parents and/or ministers outlined their behavioral expectations pretty-well, for sure - but these freshman had never experienced any short periods of personal recognizance. They went from being in the cradle of their parents' discretion to weeks-upon-weeks of being "unsupervised". It was a disaster for many.

The idea that one can give limited freedoms and expect that to be adequate preparation for being utterly unsupervised for effectively weeks, if not months, on end, is ridiculous imho. Throwing young people into the lake, like that, relegating their future to a sink-or-swim approach to preparing them for life, is just asking for trouble. Preparation for life is best as a gradual experience.

And so on...

Yet from the posters who vehemently oppose the poll question I received either no reply or rationalization.

but I still think you are sending mixed messages ......

You're only sending a mixed message if you send a mixed message. If you actually practice trusting your teen, and allow your teen to practice being trust-worthy, then you're not sending a mixed message.

I just think you are setting yourself up for problems to come......

Since you brought up rationalization, perhaps you'd care to be the first nay-sayer to comment on the issue that I raised several times in this thread: What is you answer to the charge that the approach you're advocating is essentially setting up a draconian sink-or-swim scenario for a teen that becomes a college freshman living away from home for the first time without anyone placing these types of limitations on them, going from having such limitations placed on them all the time, to, suddenly, and for weeks or months on end, having so such limitations placed on them?

 

[bgirl29]

MY take on this would be...

You are a few months shy of being a legal adult. There is no need to rush.

I trust that we have instilled in you the right tools to make good decisions but I'll continue to be your parent until you leave the nest.

I trust you to use good judgement and will do my best to help you to avoid situations where you may be pressured to do otherwise. You can always use "mom would kill me" as an excuse knowing I will always have your back! I'm excited for the adventures you'll have, but I'm here to remind you that you have the rest of your life to have them in. I consider it part of my job to remind you that some things in life are worth waiting for.

If you do have sex, I trust you will have safe sex. I do not have my head under a rock. I realize you may make different choices than I did, or than I would choose for you. I respect your right to do so. However, that will not change the rules that are in effect in this household.

When you are ready to move out and live independently, you'll get to make your own rules. I'm confident you will be ready. For now, you get to find a way to live within the rules of the situation you are in - not a bad lesson to learn IMO.

You said this amazingly well!!!! i agree 100%.

 

[Sorsha]

I voted yes, but with conditions. Did I trust the young man? How far away were they going? Where were they going? I would actually be much more concerned with personal safety i.e. two teens driving a long/unfamiliar distance by themselves or staying somewhere unfamiliar or possibly unsafe than I would be with sexual issues. IMHO they can DO IT just as easily in the backseat of a car as they can in a hotel room. And reputation is the farthest thing from my mind. Egad, whatever, get over it. If my teen isn't worried, then its none of my business.

Funny story though. When I was 17, the summer before my senior year, I was checking out colleges. There was one I really wanted to see, and the only time I could go and get appointments to meet with everyone I needed to meet with, my mom absolutely could not get away from work to take me. At the time I was dating my music accompaniest (I was a flutist, he played piano for me in competitions) - that in itself is a whole twisted story, suffice it to say not one of my better decisions - he was 4 years older than me. A fantastic musician, brilliant future, etc etc, except for the fact that he was 21 dating a 17 year old. Mom wasn't crazy about him, but he was in all other ways quite responsible, so she kept quiet and just watched. Yes, we were having sex, yes it was safe sex, yes I was on the pill, yes, mom was aware of this.

Anyhow, he offered to drive me to this college to check it out - 600 miles away. Required a weekend trip away, 2 nights in a hotel, he offered to drive, and pay. No way would she let him pay, but after much discussion, we took him up on the offer to let him drive. The weekend was fairly uneventful, we had an OK time, the college was very nice, and it was fun, at the beginning, to play "married couple".

Let me tell you though, nothing like being with someone 24/7 for an entire weekend to let you know exactly how you feel about them. By the time we got home he was driving me in-freaking-sane, and I am sure I was doing the same to him. He dropped me off, helped me unload my stuff, kissed me good-bye, and drove away and I said to mom "OMG get him away from meeeee!!! I can't stand the sound of his annoying voice one more second!!". Mom just smiled.

We broke up a week later. I had to find a new pianist. That part sucked.

 

[moburg]

I'm apparently a little late to the thread, but here goes...

About mid way through my HS senior year, my girlfriend (a junior) accompanied me to check out a college. I was a few months shy of 17, she was a few months shy of 16. We went alone, but stayed at my Aunt and Uncle's house, which was near the college in question.

We did not keep it 100% pure and innocent. Maybe 75%?

So, my answer would probably be no. Been there, done that, won't provide the opportunity for my kid to do that. College will come along soon enough.

 

[MELSMICE]

You can rationalize it as you please....but I still think you are sending mixed messages ......."I trust you enough to spend a weekend alone 120miles away at a beach house, but I don't trust you enough to spend 30minutes in your bedroom alone with the door shut while I am 10ft away." I just think you are setting yourself up for problems to come......

Agree with this.

That being said.........my DD's are not allowed in their bedroom alone with boyfriends, but they do spend time alone in our refinished basement with us home.

I have no illusions that they are innocent when they are alone downstairs. DH & I were in that same position many years ago & given any chance we took it, so I'm sure my DD's are no different.

Going away while they are underage would not have been approved by us. Now that they are all 18 or older I'm not sure I would or could tell them they could not go away with a boyfriend. One of my DD's will be going away to college in 3 weeks - I will have no idea what she is doing most days. I can only trust she makes the right choices.

 

[NHdisneylover]

You can rationalize it as you please....but I still think you are sending mixed messages ......."I trust you enough to spend a weekend alone 120miles away at a beach house, but I don't trust you enough to spend 30minutes in your bedroom alone with the door shut while I am 10ft away." I just think you are setting yourself up for problems to come......

Well, I do not look at it as mixed messages. Sorry but I really do not.
I, as a married adult woman with two kids, would NEVER go into my bedroom in daytime hours with my husband and shut the door (for more than a few minutes if we were changing to go out or some other obvious reasons why we needed to be there) while other people were in the house. Doing so would be rude and can make people uncomfortable. Likewise, I expect my kids do not do rude things which will make people uncomfortable.
On the other hand, I would take a trip with my husband. It is neither rude nor should it make anyone uncomfortable--certainly no one in the vicinity (unless we were being inappropriately loud or something--again RUDE behavior).
So the singles I am sending are that:
1. I trust you and I think you can travel together
2. Rude behaviour is unacceptable

How is that mixed?

 

[disykat]

No, I didn't. I was responding to the poster who said that a girl who went away with her long term boyfriend "would be considered a slut in most circles here (kids or adults)". That to me sounded like a group mentality. I guess you read it differently. How would someone know what the others in their "circle" would think unless it was discussed?

To me, the phrase "in most circles" means kind of like "where I come from." I've never thought it meant a group gossip clique - thus my confusion. I think it's possible to get a read on what is socially acceptable in your area without sitting around gossiping.

 

[disykat]

Bicker, as one of the 75% of people who voted no on this, I'll address your sink or swim theory.

No, I don't send my child out to drive unsupervised the first time. I accompany him, teach him, and supervise him for an entire year before letting him venture out.

IMO that is the same thing I'm doing now. He goes to school, he goes out in the evenings, he goes on school or church trips without me, etc. Vacations are still done within a family structure. During those vacations there may be times he is on his own now that that is age appropriate, he may even fly on his own, etc. He may be home alone overnight while I'm away. He's getting lots of practice for when I send him out unsupervised.

I will trust it will work just like the permit. I supervise continually, giving him more and more freedom until he gets him license and only THEN do I let him out on his own. I assume that he is ready because he has had lots of supervised practice.

When my child goes to college he will have had lots of supervised practice. I do not see an advantage in letting a child who only has a permit drive by himself early because he'll be doing it soon anyway. I think the supervised practice is imperative! That is why I think the driver's license analogy actually supports my way of thought.

I see no need to ever give my child permission to go on a vacation - or to have sex if that's what we're talking about. The very fact that they have to ask permission says they are not yet independent (very much like a driver who doesn't have a license yet) and are not yet ready.

 

[karen l]

I'm pretty liberal with my kids and dating but there's no way I'd allow my child to go away at that age unsupervised. My youngest is my 15 yr old DS & I wouldn't even contemplate it. Once the child is of legal age I can't stop him/her but until then no.

 

[MushyMushy]

No, I would not allow it. However, I wouldn't allow it even if it were in a same sex situation.

 

[bicker]

He's getting lots of practice for when I send him out unsupervised.

At school, there are teachers in loco parentis. On church trips, there are church leaders in loco parentis. Being on "his own" during family vacations, and staying home at night "alone" at night is not teaching him how to be responsible and trust-worthy out in the real world. It's teaching him how to be responsible and trust-worthy staying by himself. You mentioned that you let him go out in the evenings, so basically you're letting him dip into the lake up to his ankles, and then when he moves into the dorm you'll essentially be throwing him into the deep end, instead of using a more gradual approach, i.e., up to the ankles, then the knees, then the waist, then the chest, then the deep water. Momvic5 talked about rationalizations, and my opinion is that is what asserting that letting him go out in the evenings is adequate preparation for the first semester as a freshman in a college where he stays in the dorms for weeks or months on end, without anyone in loco parentis ,is.

 

[luvmy3]

You can rationalize it as you please....but I still think you are sending mixed messages ......."I trust you enough to spend a weekend alone 120miles away at a beach house, but I don't trust you enough to spend 30minutes in your bedroom alone with the door shut while I am 10ft away." I just think you are setting yourself up for problems to come......

I never said I wouldn't trust my kids in their room with the door closed. I hope when the time comes for me to cross that bridge that my kids would respect any rules I have in my home regarding sex so that I could trust them in their rooms with their significant other. If they do not, then I wouldn't be sending any mixed messages since I doubt I'd let them go on that weekend trip. (Which would have nothing to do with them having sex but more of a I wouldn't be able to trust that they would be ready for such a trip).

FTR, I can't say what our rules would be yet. Dh and I will have to come up with those as we see fit. If our children give us reasons that we couldn't trust them with their doors shut, then they wouldn't be having any boy/girlfriend in their room at all, and they certainly wouldn't be mature enough to go away alone with eachother.

 

[Momvic5]

Bicker... The teenager this thread is based upon is on birth control, so it is assumed that she is having sex. With that assumption, there is no way that I would allow a weekend trip so that my son could have an opportunity to learn responsiblity. I think that would be stupid on my part. This particular situation has too many red flags for me to ignore. You have to trust your teen, but you also have to help them find situations that will have positive outcomes.

 

[bicker]

Bicker... The teenager this thread is based upon is on birth control, so it is assumed that she is having sex. With that assumption, there is no way that I would allow a weekend trip so that my son could have an opportunity to learn responsiblity.

You're "crossing the streams".

If the scenario is about a daughter, and if her parent would allow the weekend away if she wasn't on birth control, but would not allow it if she was on birth control, then I'm sure most of us would be scratching our heads trying to understand your logic.

With a son, is it pretty much the same: If you'd allow the weekend away if his girlfriend was not on birth control but won't let him if she is, then is still doesn't make sense.