Would you allow your high school aged DD/DS to do this?

[Jennasis]

I think there's a pretty big difference between knowing/guessing your child is having sex and condoning it. Letting your child go away with a partner unchaparoned is obviously condoning his/her actions.

Having said that, I truly don't know what I would do. I'm not a prude...but when it comes to my child....hmmmm.... I guess I have to decide the message I want to send. What are the boundaries? And how do I justify them? I know my parents practiced "out of sight, out of mind" philosophy with us. And we knew that they wouldn't approve of our actions though they understood them.

The mom put the kid on birth control. I think the "condoning" ship has sailed.

 

[golfgal]

However in a few weeks you could go months (I saw my parents about every 3 months) without seeing him and for all you know he could be living with a girl the whole time. (Since in college where the school says you live and where you actually sleep are very often different. All 3 years I had roomates they very seldom slept in the dorms. One was a local that was paying for the dorms just so mom wouldn't know she wasn't home every night because she was sleeping at her boyfriends)

This is true but my son is going to college, not high school and for me, at least, that is a big distinction. I see it as a similar change from middle school to high school where in middle school they didn't have nearly the freedom they have now in high school.

We have had several discussions with DS about college, girlfriends, sex and responsibility and we have basically told him that while we will emotionally support him if he becomes a father too soon, we will not support him financially. If he were still in high school and under the age of 18, we wouldn't really have this choice. I am certainly not naive enough to think that he won't have sex and he will probably have his first experience with it in college but that doesn't mean I have to make it convenient for him to have sex.

 

[Tiggernut_jadie]

No problem! Indeed I WAS that kid! The first time I went away alone with my boyfriend (now DH) I was 17. Yep we had sex...what d'ya thinks gonna happen?! but we were 'safe' and I didn't turn into a promiscuos (?sp) girl with a 'bad' reputation. In fact 27 years on I'm still with the same guy and I've never 'been' with anyone else!

My neice moved in with her boyfriend when she was 17 and my SIL went to Florida for 2 weeks (flying on her own from te UK) to meet her then boyfriend who was on leave from the army! She was SIXTEEN at the time!

None of us have turned out 'bad' nor have any of us ended up as teenage mothers.

 

[Freyja]

Probably.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

On another board I frequent a mom posted a thread asking if we would allow our 17 year old (just finished junior year of high school-turning 18 soon) DD to go away for a weekend with her boyfriend unsupervised. She "trusts" her DD and her DD is on birth control so she can't get pregnant . Would you allow this?

Just finished Junior? Nope.

Graduated Senior? Yes.

Of course my answer could change depending on the guy and the relationship they have.

Also cruisinfamily brings up the issue I have with it, in that it is too much of a "we will be together forever" feeling.

However that can backfire and drag things out as well. You set up that "conflict" that drives teens to "go against parents" as a way of "breaking free".

So in conclusion, I really need use of a crystal ball to figure out the best solution. Or look at your teen and do the best you can.

I am voting other because I want a crystal ball.

 

[gardenia]

Sarah Palin would allow it... even without the birth control.

 

[disneybound2010]

I had a friend(started out as coworkers), couple of years younger than me, whose parents were pretty strict on these issues as well. He went to a Catholic school, was into a lot of church activities and his parents felt he was responsible enough to have some freedoms without being given full access and convenience. We ended up friends after I was the one caring for him after some pretty crazy drunken escapades. He wanted to have some fun and since he couldn't stay overnite because there was no supervision and girls involved, he was going to get in all the fun he could before heading home. This became a pretty common theme during that time.

He ended up going off to college and with that newfound freedom and no one to stop him he went pretty crazy. He ended up back home at the end of the semester. Thankfully, that was the worst thing that happened.

The point is, whether or not you condone it or think you can keep little Johnny or Mary from those temptations, they will find ways around it AND it could be at a pretty big cost. Kids are going to do what kids are going to do.

 

[MerMom60_94]

Just finished Junior? Nope.

Graduated Senior? Yes.

Of course my answer could change depending on the guy and the relationship they have.

Also cruisinfamily brings up the issue I have with it, in that it is too much of a "we will be together forever" feeling.

However that can backfire and drag things out as well. You set up that "conflict" that drives teens to "go against parents" as a way of "breaking free".

So in conclusion, I really need use of a crystal ball to figure out the best solution. Or look at your teen and do the best you can.

I am voting other because I want a crystal ball.

Mystery Machine, you and I are on the same page. I probably should have gone with "other". I can tell you my answer is based on emotion, rather than practicality because the other posters are all making sense to me on a practical level. I am just not there yet. I am still trying to get used to the fact she is dating at all, much less think about her going away for the weekend. Can I use your crystal ball when you're done with it?

 

[mjkacmom]

Yes, I would. I'm guessing the mom knows her dd is sexually active, and she is taking measures to prevent pregnancy. I would prefer my children to wait to have sex until later, but obviously this isn't the case here. I would also prefer my kids to be in committed relationships if they are going to be sexually active, and this appears to be the case here.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I really don't think she needs to be sitting across the breakfast table from him in her jammies every day for a week. Just a little too much familiarity and too reinforcing of the "we're going to be together forever" thing.

See--I guess I would not think of it as a "together forever" kind of thing. I never thought of it that way when I spent a week on a houseboat with one of my high school boyfriends and his family. It was just a vacation--not an engagement.

I think there's a pretty big difference between knowing/guessing your child is having sex and condoning it. Letting your child go away with a partner unchaparoned is obviously condoning his/her actions.
.

It is not so obvious to me. It is obviously trusting my child to make the right decisions even when I am not there (to me). Likewise, we have a pretty big wine collection and generally also have open bottles of rum, amaretto, tequila, etc in the house. When I leave the kids alone at the house I trust they are not going to get drunk just because they are there with the alcohol and could.

I understand not all kids are as responsible at various ages as others and that the comfort level for allowing things varies from parents to parents. I do not think there is anything wrong with others NOT allowing it (one reason i would want to be sure the other child's parents were okay with it). I just don't think my being okay with such a situation (knowing MY child and my morals) means I am condoning anything other than vacationing with people you like to spend time with.

 

[mjkacmom]

The mom put the kid on birth control. I think the "condoning" ship has sailed.

I honestly can't imagine having one of my dd's come to me for birth control, and saying no.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

I said, "yes" but only because my high school GF and I were afforded a lot of respect. Overnight stays at each others' homes, as well as weekends away camping/hiking were the norm. By treating us maturely and giving us that respect, we gave that respect back to both sets of parents. We would adhere to our normal curfews, etc.

Of course to all of our friends were like an old married couple at 17/18, but I was glad for the experience, and for the relationship fostered between ourselves, as a couple, and both sets of parents.

Everyone's situation is different, however. I voted, "yes" now, but as my daughter grows up, perhaps she won't be as mature as I was and would not be able to handle such a situation as respectfully.

 

[bicker]

It is interesting thinking about some of the replies: It is very possible to reach completely different answers, depending on whether you're concerning yourself mostly with the long-term welfare of the teen, versus mostly with one's own personal principles.

 

[MIGrandma]

I'm with the poster who said end of junior year? No. End of senior year? Yes.

At the end of her junior year she still has a full year of high school left. She may be having sex with her boyfriend, but that doesn't mean I have to give her opportunities to do so.

At the end of her senior year I would probably let her go, because in just a few weeks she'd be going off to college and I wouldn't know what she's doing then so I probably wouldn't be keeping as tight a reign on her at that point.

 

[Katy Belle]

I said maybe. It would depend on the situation. My dh and I went on a trip together one summer before we were married. It was probably right after I graduated from high school, so I would have been nearly 18. It may have been the next summer, I don't recall. Anyway, I don't remember any of our parents being upset about it at all. We visited dh's aunt and uncle and some friends. We didn't stay in a hotel. My dm probably would have protested that.

If my child was in a committed relationship and I felt comfortable with her boyfriend, I may allow it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Mystery Machine, you and I are on the same page. I probably should have gone with "other". I can tell you my answer is based on emotion, rather than practicality because the other posters are all making sense to me on a practical level. I am just not there yet. I am still trying to get used to the fact she is dating at all, much less think about her going away for the weekend. Can I use your crystal ball when you're done with it?

I don't have one yet and I really need it.

My oldest is 19 with a long distance BF. I don't get it however I guess with cyberland things are different.

She is changing colleges this yr., so stay tuned!

 

[okeydokey]

I honestly can't imagine having one of my dd's come to me for birth control, and saying no.

Me either. I would be thankful that our relationship was strong enough that she didn't feel like she had to sneak around.

As far as going away, so much would depend on the maturity and of the teens involved and what their relationship was like. I may hold off a year until high school is finished before agreeing, but we'll see when the time comes.

 

[MoniqueU]

I votrd no which kind of surpises me as i am one of the more permisive parents on this board. I have a son the same age and just finished jr year as well. I would not be comfortable with him going off with a girl for the weekend, not to mention I am not sure they could even get a hotel room at that age? My son wants to take a road trip up to northern california which is ok but I don't think he can get a hotel.

I have two girls as well and am SUPER open minded about birth control. My oldest dd ssid she wanted to go on yaz, I am not even going to state her age LOL, but I said that was fine with me but explained to her about the obgyn exam and she changed her mind. She and her sister both know that when it comes that time for them that it is more then ok for them to go on BC. My oldest daughter just really hates Drs and even getting her in when she is real sick is hard to do so I do worry about that. The most I can do is keep open conversations going.

 

[AristocatFan]

No way based on our morals. DS18 is not allowed to be alone with his girlfriend and they have honored that rule for the past 3 years. Her family has invited DS on some of their family vacations but we have not allowed him to go. She is a year younger than DS and her parents aren't as strict as we are so we have talked with DS about how he has to be in control of every given situation. While we trust him, it's raging hormones we don't trust.

And as far as the girl being on birth control.....sadly, I'm seeing girls on it younger and younger. I work at an elementary school and we have girls on the pill in 5th and 6th grade. One parent said she didn't want to worry about her daughter getting pregnant so the pill was started as soon as possible.

 

[punkin]

I votrd no which kind of surpises me as i am one of the more permisive parents on this board. I have a son the same age and just finished jr year as well. I would not be comfortable with him going off with a girl for the weekend, not to mention I am not sure they could even get a hotel room at that age? My son wants to take a road trip up to northern california which is ok but I don't think he can get a hotel.

I have two girls as well and am SUPER open minded about birth control. My oldest dd ssid she wanted to go on yaz, I am not even going to state her age LOL, but I said that was fine with me but explained to her about the obgyn exam and she changed her mind. She and her sister both know that when it comes that time for them that it is more then ok for them to go on BC. My oldest daughter just really hates Drs and even getting her in when she is real sick is hard to do so I do worry about that. The most I can do is keep open conversations going.

Totally OT, but DD's pediatrician just put her on BC and said she did not necessarily need an OB exam. I suppose at her age I'll have to take her soon anyway, but the BC does not require an exam, I don't think.