Would this offend you?

[Keli]

To me, when someone invites me to their shower but not their wedding I feel like I'm good enough to give them a gift but not good enough to share in their special day. I find it offensive.
On the other hand, I can go to a coworker's baby shower and not expect to be invited to the birth LOL. Is that a double standard?

 

[DebbieB]

Sell tickets???? As far as Jack and Jill showers the last few baby showers I have been to have been Jack and Jills--much more fun than just a bunch of women sitting around yapping! Even for my baby shower 11 years ago I had guys there. Some family came from out of state and their husbands drove them or came along for the ride so they ended up just having the guys come to the shower- it was fine with me!

As far as being invited to a shower and not the wedding---TACKY!!!

I have a friend in CT who has mentioned "Jack and Jill" parties to me. I never heard of it before. From what I understand, it's separate from the bridal shower. It's a group of friends who get together for a party, everyone pitches in to cover the cost, there is a set price given per person (aka tickets). I do think it would be tacky to invite people to it who were not invited to the wedding, unless they knew that in advance.

 

[Kasmooth]

Sell tickets???? As far as Jack and Jill showers the last few baby showers I have been to have been Jack and Jills--much more fun than just a bunch of women sitting around yapping! Even for my baby shower 11 years ago I had guys there. Some family came from out of state and their husbands drove them or came along for the ride so they ended up just having the guys come to the shower- it was fine with me!

As far as being invited to a shower and not the wedding---TACKY!!!

I don't know if it is a regional thing but in Massachusetts we have Jack and Jills but they are not an invite tickets are sold usually buffet, beer and dj no presents. If what the op is referring to is a shower that they were invited to I think it is rude not to be invited to the wedding.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I dunno. I mean, it saves you the hassle of having to buy two gifts.

Plus, I could see how this would be OK. What if the couple wanted a private wedding with only family, but wanted to celebrate the fact they were getting married with work friends?

Maybe they didn't have the money for a big wedding?

Why is this a big deal?

 

[MM27]

If the coworkers planned the shower as a surprise and then were not invited to the wedding, then I wouldn't be offended.

To be invited to a "family" shower outside of work and then not be invited to the wedding screams out RUDE. Yes, it was very inappropriate.

 

[SookieStackhouse]

Yes, I would be very offended... that just screams tacky, and rude.

 

[tiggersbombed2]

Too rude. If you are invited to a wedding shower, you should be invited to the wedding. Doing other than that is rude and greedy. If you can't afford to invite the people, don't expect gifts from them.

Officially inviting people to a shower is different from co-workers coming up with a shower for you. Then, it's come from the co-workers hearts and you don't need to feel obligated to invite them to the wedding, tho it would be nice if you could.

 

[LuvLDM]

It really depends on who hosted the shower. I have attended casual "work" showers for co-workers & there was no expectation that everyone would be invited to the wedding.

If it was a more *formal* family/friend hosted shower then it strikes me as a bit tacky but I don't think I would be offended.

 

[Abbie]

I had this happen a few years ago, although I think it might have been more of a cultural misunderstanding. I had worked in one office and transferred to another. One girl was getting married and the Pakastani office manager arranged a shower for her and included me. I declined because I didn't really like the girl, plus I knew I wasn't going to be invited to the wedding.

The office manager called to question why I wasn't coming and I just told her that it wasn't really appropriate to attend the shower if someone wasn't invited to the wedding. She was totally shocked, had never heard of something like that before. It wasn't until another coworker confirmed it that she finally let up on me.

And the bride was totally aware of who was being invited to her shower. Of course this is the same chick who had a 30th birthday party thrown by her family and charged $30/head to attend. Didn't go to that either.

 

[Kasmooth]

I had this happen a few years ago, although I think it might have been more of a cultural misunderstanding. I had worked in one office and transferred to another. One girl was getting married and the Pakastani office manager arranged a shower for her and included me. I declined because I didn't really like the girl, plus I knew I wasn't going to be invited to the wedding.

The office manager called to question why I wasn't coming and I just told her that it wasn't really appropriate to attend the shower if someone wasn't invited to the wedding. She was totally shocked, had never heard of something like that before. It wasn't until another coworker confirmed it that she finally let up on me.

And the bride was totally aware of who was being invited to her shower. Of course this is the same chick who had a 30th birthday party thrown by her family and charged $30/head to attend. Didn't go to that either.

When I was younger I worked in an large office setting we would have showers for each other either at work or outside. There was never an expection that everyone that went to a "work shower" would be invited to the wedding.

 

[rie'smom]

The guest list for the shower should be taken from the guest list for the wedding. Yes, it is rude but maybe, like a previous poster, you were all on the initial list before it was pared down. Keep in mind, your coworker and his bride did not likely put the guest list for the shower together. That was likely done by the person who threw the shower. If the wedding were held in a small venue there may not have been space or maybe there weren't finances to invite all of you to the wedding. I would not be upset with the bride and groom so much. The etiquette breach was really on the shower organizer. FWIW, when I got married my DH's great aunt threw a shower for me and had all sorts of family members I had never even heard of there! I was able to add them to my wedding list but was not too happy about being put on the spot. I was appreciative of the great aunt who was thoughtful enough to have put a shower on for me, though.

I've never heard of a shower, except a surprise shower, where the bride and/or groom did not submit the guest list. Even then, the list is drawn from those invited to the wedding.
OP, the couple was dead wrong. It shows a huge ignorance of how things are done. If the couple don't know what's proper, there are books, not to mention the internet that could steer them correctly.

 

[merryweather20]

I had this happen a few years ago, although I think it might have been more of a cultural misunderstanding. I had worked in one office and transferred to another. One girl was getting married and the Pakastani office manager arranged a shower for her and included me. I declined because I didn't really like the girl, plus I knew I wasn't going to be invited to the wedding.

The office manager called to question why I wasn't coming and I just told her that it wasn't really appropriate to attend the shower if someone wasn't invited to the wedding. She was totally shocked, had never heard of something like that before. It wasn't until another coworker confirmed it that she finally let up on me.

And the bride was totally aware of who was being invited to her shower. Of course this is the same chick who had a 30th birthday party thrown by her family and charged $30/head to attend. Didn't go to that either.

I've never heard that "rule" until the Dis. As a child we threw showers for dance teachers and girl guide leaders. As an adult I've attended showers for work friends and former schoolmates, out of towners, and couples with a destination wedding. I was happy to see them and happy that I had a chance to wish them well.

As for Jack and Jills that the OP also mentioned in her post I've never gone, but my parents adore them. Its just a cheap night out for drinking and dancing and catching up with the other folks in town. I'm sure they've been to one for their carpet installer's cousin. Everybody under the sun goes, no big deal

 

[msjprincess]

I've never heard of a shower, except a surprise shower, where the bride and/or groom did not submit the guest list. Even then, the list is drawn from those invited to the wedding.
OP, the couple was dead wrong. It shows a huge ignorance of how things are done. If the couple don't know what's proper, there are books, not to mention the internet that could steer them correctly.

I've never heard of a shower that wasn't a surprise.

 

[aprilgail2]

I've never heard of a shower that wasn't a surprise.

me either! I guess some people are involved with planning their own shower and know in advance....weird....

 

[msjprincess]

Wait a minute, people sell tickets to the shower?

What the heck is that about? I have never heard of such a thing. Around here jack and Jill shower just means that men are invited.

 

[msjprincess]

me either! I guess some people are involved with planning their own shower and know in advance....weird....

I agree. I mean yeah people assume they are going to be giving a shower. But I've never heard of anyone actually planning it themselves.

 

[DebbieB]

Wait a minute, people sell tickets to the shower?

What the heck is that about? I have never heard of such a thing. Around here jack and Jill shower just means that men are invited.

I don't think it's the same thing. The Jack and Jill's I heard about were a party, not a shower. Kind of like a joint bachelor/bachelorette party. The person I heard about lived in CT and was "well to do", it was part of the pre-wedding activities for her circle of friends. There was a separate traditional shower for the bride & family/friends.

 

[bumbershoot]

me either! I guess some people are involved with planning their own shower and know in advance....weird....

How else does the shower-giver know who to invite? Unless it's a mom throwing it, but then that's not right with etiquette, either.

Wait a minute, people sell tickets to the shower?

What the heck is that about? I have never heard of such a thing. Around here jack and Jill shower just means that men are invited.

Some people define Jack and Jill as being a shower where men are invited.

Others define it as the ticket-selling sort of thing, which is how the party is funded (instead of the shower-givers funding it themselves as a gift).

There's no SET definition for it, which is why it causes such confusion!




Showers thrown AT work BY work typically have nothing to do with the guest list. But when it's not at work, then it gets more complicated...

 

[aprilgail2]

Wait a minute, people sell tickets to the shower?

What the heck is that about? I have never heard of such a thing. Around here jack and Jill shower just means that men are invited.

LOL---yea thats what they are---just showers with men invited, not something you sell ticekts to. I have never ever heard of a party where you buy tickets or pay money to go to!

 

[ml05ries]

I've had a couple friends get married recently (in their early to mid 20s) and you had to buy "tickets" to go to their bachelor and bachelorette parties. I think the original purpose was to help cover costs of food, beer, etc. but I think its gotten overboard. They sent out facebook invitations calling it an open party, instead of just for friends. The more money they raise, the more they get to keep. So they were basically inviting anyone who wanted to pay the money. I've heard about this a lot lately, even outside of my friend circle. Not how I'd do it, but to each their own.