Would this bother you?

[samshane]

My MIL (Dh's parents are divorced) sent nothing this year for the kids. I put the time and effort into making her a photo calendar and my Dh sent her shirts from Iraq (where he is deployed to for the year). I wrapped them all and sent them out over 2 weeks ago.

Didn't hear a word - so I e-mailed them late last night to ask them (she is remarried) if they got their gifts and to wish them a Merry Christmas. I was thinking - maybe they would say where is our package to the kids, did it get lost?

Nope - I get a response back:

"Package was received and the presents are opened. We actually let the holiday sneak up on us with our Work schedules and well honestly we are getting old. XXX will have something in the mail shortly and we will Call it a New Years present."

Not even a thank you for all the calendar. These are MILs ONLY grandkids as Dh is her only child. I work and have been a single mom for the past nearly 7 months while DH is deployed. And yet I still made the time... I don't buy it - she always has excuses.

I know I need to let it go - but am I right in feeling bothered by this? It is absolutely not the gift - heck a card just recognizing the kids while their dad is away. Took her 6 months to even send a card to her son in Iraq (and it costs the same as a first class US stamp!).

There is some history here... I have let DH deal with it through the years. She is very self centered, but this really took the cake for me. But I will never take the time to make another calendar for them again - Dh can do whatever he wants next year.

 

[minkydog]

It sounds like this is not new behavior. Frankly, this wouldn't bother me all that much. My mother is very much like your MIL. She can't get a package or a letter off on time to save her life. We never expect to get gifts until Valentine's day or later. And she never sends a thank you note.Forget email, too. If you want to know if she got something you have to call her.

In my mother's case she is very disorganized in all areas of her life, not just gift-giving. It's really not meant to be mean toward us.She just procrastinates terribly--I think it's probably a learning disability, like ADHD. She's been this way all my life. So I don't take it personally. In fact, we joke about her being on Granny Time.

It's just how she is. I think I would just swallow it and move on. She said she's going to send stuff after Christmas. If you kids are like mine, they will be thrilled to get more gifts after Christmas.

 

[Pakey]

Christmas is not as big of a deal to some people as it is to others. For us, it is not. I would not take it too personally.

 

[ols386]

You did mention that there was some history involved....could that have something to do with it.

It would probably aggravate me that she did not send anything for the kids, or to your dh....but I'd probably try to ignore it, and move on. Don't let it upset you on Christmas. Just try and enjoy your children during this special holiday time of the year.

Have a nice Holiday!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

No. But then again I would not have sent her anything but a card....maybe.

Also I could care less if IL's or my own family get my kids gifts. It is just something that is no longer on my radar anymore.

It is a more peaceful existence. Frankly I would be overjoyed to skip Christmas however my dd's and my family won't let me.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I might be selfish, but I do get upset when relatives do nothing without explanation.

We will have several late items, but we know about it and were told. No biggie.

We were not able to do gifts until this week when our finances got straightened out by DH's job loss for a month followed by a new job. So we will do gifts after all. His family had cancelled the gift exchanged and I was more than miffed when one of his siblings sent out Christmas lists anyway as they had done in past years. I thought that was tacky and in poor taste given some of her commentary on her...situation with money being tight. I know we are getting nothing and it seems possible that she got my children nothing either. However, I know she will get another niece something. To me she is all talk and I find her quite offensive. I shouldn't be jealous or upset, but it is difficult when it is so obvious. I wouldn't have given it a second thought until she sent Christmas lists for her and her fiance. However-we are going to MIL's tomorrow and I can't be sure that she did nothing until then. But it just is confusing as Christmas is a big deal to her and she does token birthday gifts. It's rather bizarre.

If I were in your shoes, I would let it go. I hate not gifting out of punihsment--but when it is so blatant when folks are just plain rude, it would certainly make me rethink my joy of giving to that person as in my above example.

I will be honest and say that I am truly bad about correspondance. I mean, really bad.

My step-mother tried to impress that upon me in my youth and rather than learning a good life lesson, it really left a poor taste in my mouth.

 

[Nicolepa]

Well, at least they all got the same thing. Most of the time my MIL gets all my kids but one something.

 

[samshane]

Thanks for letting me vent... I feel better now!

Dh always tells me - You can't pick your parents. And he is never surprised by his mom's actions. His parents divorced when he was 9... he lived with his mom (or tried to) for 2yrs and then went to live with his dad until college. His mom didn't speak with him for years.

I guess I don't understand the relationship... and I never fully will. Oh well - it bothered me but the kids didn't even notice - LOL. Guess they are used to her being like this.

It's Christmas - My kids are happy, and that is what should matter the most!

 

[portocall]

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I always end up buying my kids gifts and put from Grandma and Grandpa... but in our case, my MIL and FIL are in hard times and I don't want my kids toknow at this point. When they procrastinate.. that is on them, and the kids do notice, even when they don't say anything. My mention it in May...

 

[ScottOKW2K]

I'm not going to try to defend them but I can understand the "holidays sneaking up on them" comment. I know that lately I've been so busy at work that if it had been left to me to get presents no one would have gotten anything for Christmas.

As you posted later this type of action is not unusual from her/them. As I've gotten older (definitely) and wiser (not so definite) one of the few things I've learned is that while we cannot control what others do we can control how we react to the result. I can either dwell on the negative when it happens or simply accept it as "what is - is" , put it in the past and then continue on with life. This helps me get through the day and be a better husband and father.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year !

 

[Carly_Roach]

I put the time and effort into making her a photo calendar and my Dh sent her shirts from Iraq (where he is deployed to for the year).

But I will never take the time to make another calendar for them again - Dh can do whatever he wants next year.

You answered your own question. You made a present that she didn't ask for and may not have even wanted. Next time, don't bother. Let it go and let your husband handle his mother. If her behavior doesn't bother your kids, then it shouldn't bother you.

 

[Disney Doll]

You won't understand the relationship because it is probably not something that is within your range of experience...you most likely have a close relationship with your parents. But, everyone's relationships with their own "nuclear" family are not the same, and your best bet is to let it go and let DH handle it, or, if you need to handle because DH is away or whatever, don't put so much time and effort into their gift if it is going to bother you because they don't reciprocate appropriately.

My New Year's resolution is to let go of angst about things I cannot control...

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My New Year's resolution is to let go of angst about things I cannot control...

Ahh.

I found Tim Gunn's phrase...."Make It Work", helped me out greatly with that goal this past yr. The Serenity Prayer was not cutting it for me.

 

[golfgal]

Thanks for letting me vent... I feel better now!

Dh always tells me - You can't pick your parents. And he is never surprised by his mom's actions. His parents divorced when he was 9... he lived with his mom (or tried to) for 2yrs and then went to live with his dad until college. His mom didn't speak with him for years.

I guess I don't understand the relationship... and I never fully will. Oh well - it bothered me but the kids didn't even notice - LOL. Guess they are used to her being like this.

It's Christmas - My kids are happy, and that is what should matter the most!

Stop trying to force her to be something she isn't. She will never do what you think she should do. Your DH's past relationship should be a pretty good clue, she doesn't want to be a mother or grandmother. The sooner you accept this, the happier you will all be.

 

[wdwfan16]

I cannot control what others do but I can control how I react to what they do.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I cannot control what others do but I can control how I react to what they do.

AMEN!!!!

You know her well enough by now... don't go out of your way to do things that will not be appreciated... And, if you expect nothing, you will not be disappointed.

My thoughts go out to you at Christmas with your husband away - hope you will be together again soon!!!

 

[wdwtweets]

I can understand being disappointed. It seems like you have worked through that now, though, and in a healthy way. All my best to you this Christmas as you celebrate without your DH's physical presence.

 

[MiniGirl]

Nope, it wouldn't bother me. All of our relatives on both sides of the family are out of town and not one sent our girls a gift. We also didn't send any gifts out. We also didn't call anyone yesterday or receive any calls. We just are not into the holidays. Doesn't mean we don't love them or vise versa. We just don't get all excited about holidays.

I am sorry that you were hurt though, and I hope you are able to heal and move past it.

 

[aprilgail2]

Well, at least they all got the same thing. Most of the time my MIL gets all my kids but one something.

Wow- I would freak out!! I would rather NONE got gifts rather than leaving one out.

 

[Nicolepa]

Wow- I would freak out!! I would rather NONE got gifts rather than leaving one out.

Yup. I don't even care if it's a $1 ball. If one has a present under the tree they all need a present under the tree. He finally called her on it a couple of years ago. She forgot my sons birthday (he was turning 5 I think). FIL realized about 3 weeks late and sent him $50. A month later MIL sends my daughter (then 7) $100 for her birthday. It's been almost 3 years and my son still talks about how he's never gotten $100. I don't care what the amount is, they are so close in age that it needs to be equal (or close).

We have another baby now and the bigger kids presents arrived a month before Christmas. DH kept asking if we had gotten everything we should have. I told DH that if the baby (almost 2) didn't get anything I wasn't going to see them this summer and the baby & I would meet him at Disney when he was done. Luckily (for them, not me) something arrived early this week.