Would like some (non-judgmental) advice

[NY Disney fan]

I always try to be compassionate and kind to people but I found that I have some resentment toward a family member and I am ashamed that I do. I have a family member who is somewhat similar to Octomom in that she is pregnant again (this will be her 3rd) and she lives on govt. assistance. Her low-income apartment is in her name (not in her live-in boyfriend's name) and she receives food stamps. What angers me is that this person has had a decent education and has plenty of good jobs (which she can't keep). The reason she can't keep them is because she has never had a role model growing up to show her how to live in an honest way. Her parents never married (but are still together in a rocky relationship). Her mom (who is semi-illiterate) has lived in a low-income apartment that is in her name only. And also receives welfare. So this is the family model that is normal to her and that she is used to.

I am not interested in discussing or debating the politics of this type of lifestyle. I am interested in not being so angry, bitter or resentful toward her. There is nothing I can do to stop her from living this way (plenty of family members have berated her for it already). I just want to be nice to her and her kids. Any advice?

 

[barkley]

don't know how old she is but it might be too late to change her mindset. in that case if you can tolerate being a part of her life you can be a role model for her kids. let them see that the way they are living is'nt the only way.

you said her mom is semi literate, and she has had a decent education. that's generational progress. maybe try to ensure through encouragement and interest that her kids get a decent education (not saying fund them through private school but encourage her to make sure the kids actualy attend school, praise and encourage the kids to do their best) and model what they can do with that education and how it can impact their lives for the better.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

She may be living the life she chooses, eh?

Usually, there are far many more factors surrounding home situations such as the one you describe. Yes, she has an education that her mother did not have, but her role models fall short of showing her what to do with that education.

There is also the ability to have insight. One looks at one's life and says, I want to change, I want to do .... (more, better, different). Or not. Perhaps she lacks insight, or perhaps she is simply quite happy living her life the way it is.

Berating her is going to alienate her, offend her and remove the berating person from having any influence over her what so ever.

If you've not already done so, perhaps a one on one talk with her to learn her hopes and dreams for her future, and then go from there. She does get to identify what is important to her, whether we approve or not.

It's wonderful that you care about her. She's lucky to have you in her life.

 

[browneyes106]

I can kind of see where you are coming from. My sister is sort of similar too. Her and her boyfriend have lived together for almost 10 years and they have a five year old son. My sister has a college education but she is working in a job that is outside her degree and she doesn't make much money. Her boyfriend is constantly quitting jobs and never tried to get better jobs. My sister and her bf have used government assistance in the past. I do feel sorry for them in a lot of ways because they the three of them live in a one bedroom apartment and they are always struggling. My sister really wishes that her bf would propose to her in a romantic way. But I don't see it happening. It sort of seems he just doesn't want to be married to her or have the full responsibilities of a husband. I have tried talking to my sister about how improving her life but she gets mad at me. Her bf had a bad upbringing and childhood I do feel sorry for him but often he uses that as an excuse to treat people badly and to avoid responsibility for a a lot of his mistakes. I think maybe try be encouraging with your family member and show that there are better things out there for her and her children if she was to work at it.

 

[NY Disney fan]

Thank you so much for your wonderful words. I have a lot to think about here.

 

[Tink888]

Keep telling yourself that you can't control the actions of others, you can only control how you react to them and when you are around her try to remember and focus on the things that you really like about her as a person. Positive thoughts = positive outcomes.

 

[Bren's Mom]

I agree with alot of what the others have responded with. I try to love and treat others as I want to be loved and treated. Just tell yourself that YOU will be her good role model and YOU will be supportive (note, not enabling...that's difference) of her...and then do it. Will you change her lifestyle? Perhaps not. But you never know, it IS possible. More likely, though, as the favored 'auntie' (or whatever) you just might change the course of her children's lives.

 

[chris1gill]

Thank you so much for your wonderful words. I have a lot to think about here.

Don't berate her it will never work. Have you sat down one on one to find out what's in her mind at this point? How she's feeling? What she wants to do? If her behavior is all she's ever seen from her own mother, try becoming a role model for her, perhaps she will see she can make it on her own, and have the courage to step outside her comfort zone. As someone else said, try to model your behavior for her children. If she is too old or too set in her ways, her children are not. It only takes one adult in their life to show them there is a better way, be that one person for them, they need it.... It only takes ONE person for those children, I say that from experience.

 

[SharkyGoddess]

I think it's wonderful that you're wanting advice on how to look at your family member in a different "light". Try focusing on her positive side. Is she a good mom? Does she take good care of her kids by providing for them with what she has (public assistance aside)? Is she involved in their education and does she seem to want better for them? Sometimes befriending someone can help them too. Maybe she needs someone like yourself for subtle encouragement to believe in herself and go back to work. Find one little thing about her you do like, or respect, and try complementing her on that. It may even help you see other things in her you appreciate.

 

[ericamanda01]

It's hard to not hold resentment toward someone who has the potential to do something to better their lives and seems to be taking advantage of the system. You have to look at all that you have in your life and not allow what she has to effect you. Just because she is getting free money, housing and whatever else, doesn't make her happy. To have to depend on govt. assistance can't be enjoyable. Enjoy your life and let her live hers how she wishes.

 

[Jsme]

I see your point of view. It can be hard to deal with people that are a part of your life who are raised so differently than yourself. You are already on the correct track by idenifiing the problem and why you feel the way you do about those problems. Knowing the problem and the reason helps to deal with your feelings. Try to remind yourself that she did not have a good role model growing up and she still does not have one. This will help some. Also try to be that role model for her. Attempt to encourage her to take charge of her life. Then you need to realize she may never change. Coming to terms with the problem, the reason and that things may never change will help your attitude towards the situation. Good Luck.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Keep telling yourself that you can't control the actions of others, you can only control how you react to them and when you are around her try to remember and focus on the things that you really like about her as a person. Positive thoughts = positive outcomes.

I'll have to agree with Tink. You cannot control other people; you can only control yourself.

Your first choice is to decide whether or not you want to be a part of this person's life. If yes, then focus on her positive aspects rather than the negative ones you don't like. That will help quite a bit.

If you find that you can't enjoy her company without being resentful of how she's living, then revisit step #1: do you want to be a part of this person's life? (or, rather, do you want this person in your life experience?)

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

Just remind yourself that she has had no other model in her life to copy.
Focus on her kids by showing them a different way to live life and hopefully they will break the pattern.
Good Luck

 

[Nik's Mom]

I always try to be compassionate and kind to people but I found that I have some resentment toward a family member and I am ashamed that I do. I have a family member who is somewhat similar to Octomom in that she is pregnant again (this will be her 3rd) and she lives on govt. assistance. Her low-income apartment is in her name (not in her live-in boyfriend's name) and she receives food stamps. What angers me is that this person has had a decent education and has plenty of good jobs (which she can't keep). The reason she can't keep them is because she has never had a role model growing up to show her how to live in an honest way. Her parents never married (but are still together in a rocky relationship). Her mom (who is semi-illiterate) has lived in a low-income apartment that is in her name only. And also receives welfare. So this is the family model that is normal to her and that she is used to.

I am not interested in discussing or debating the politics of this type of lifestyle. I am interested in not being so angry, bitter or resentful toward her. There is nothing I can do to stop her from living this way (plenty of family members have berated her for it already). I just want to be nice to her and her kids. Any advice?

I know it's hard to watch people make what we believe to be mistakes. Just work on accepting the fact that you cannot change her. Boy, do I know how hard that is. It's ok to be nice to her and her kids. There is nothing wrong with that. Just because you are nice to her doesn't mean you are enabling her.

 

[Chicago526]

I agree with the others, if berating her hasn't worked by now, it isn't going to. So you can either cut this person out of your life, or you can accept the situation and be a good friend and family member to them (without enabling them, of course). I also agree, you may wind up being the role model that helps her see there are other ways to make it in life, or perhaps inspire her kids to do better.

Also, have you thought that part of her problem may be that she suffers from depression and/or anxiety? My friend's parents both suffer from mental illness and it has hindered them greatly in finding and keeping jobs. Her mother never learned to drive because she has a panic attack every time she gets behind the wheel to try and learn. She's made some money at least babysitting over the years, but for the most part has been a SAHM. Her father did okay for many years, but suffered a stroke that lost him a good job, and depression and anxiety since then has kept him from looking for many years (and lost him what few jobs he's gotten). My friend and her sister kept them afloat for the sake of their minor sister, and then to help them pay off the mortgage (they only had 2 years left on a 30 year loan when their father lost his last job). Now that they own the house, they don't need as much to live on, and are making do on a small inheritance until they reach 62 and can get Social Security. I doubt either of them will ever work again. Had they gotten treatment, they both may have been able to find work and stay employeed, and not been such a burden on their children.

If you think she may have a mental illness, you may be able to encourage her to seek treatment. The right therapy and/or drug could make a huge difference for her.

 

[bumbershoot]

"I just want to be nice to her and her kids. Any advice? "

So be nice to them! Be there for her kids like no one was there for her.

 

[Magic Mom]

I

I am not interested in discussing or debating the politics of this type of lifestyle. I am interested in not being so angry, bitter or resentful toward her. There is nothing I can do to stop her from living this way (plenty of family members have berated her for it already). I just want to be nice to her and her kids. Any advice?

Being bitter and resentful doesn't punish her for being a leech on society, it only punishes you. She gets a free ride, and you get an ulcer. You can't control her part in this, but you can control yours. Stop giving her loser lifestyle power over your life. Let it go.

 

[Camicar]

I have a relative like this. Frankly, the best way for me to be nice to her is to see her as little as possible.

I get aggravated that she is living the life of Riley on the taxpayer's dime, that her kids are being raised poorly, and that she's happy as a pig in slop while the rest of us saps work hard, delay gratification, sacrifice, and worry about tomorrow.

The more I see her, the more aggravated I get. The more aggravated I get, the less likely I am to be nice to her or her kids or loser husband.

So it's in everyone's best interests that our contacts are kept to a minimum.

 

[alexandria674]

I am kind of in the same situation, I have a cousin who is my age (21) who had two kids before she was 18 and was divorced by the age of 19. Then soon after, she became pregnant again and is now "engaged" with a man that no one knows (this guy is not the father of the last child) she refuses to stop and barely works. I cannot live her life for her, but I try to be as kind as I can to the children. When she asked me about her engagement to the stranger, I told her as calmly as I could that I did not feel that she should be engaged because she barely met the man and maybe she should stop dating until she gets her life in control a bit. She freaked out at me and stop talking to me. Now whenever I see her, she makes snide remarks that I am jealous and because I do not have children. (I am in college, engaged to a man I have known for years and plan not to have children for years so we can travel.)

I tried not to be judgemental but it all blew up. I think all you can really do is give her your support and try to see a positive side with her. However, when discussing with her, be prepared that she may be a bit angry. Hopefully she won't blow up like my cousin did.