Would like advice on what to do please.

[pls5286]

My son's father has never been active participant in his life aside from about 9 month after he turned 11. He was never around durning the pregnancy or anything.

There is lots of friction between my son's step-mother and me and she is doing everything sh can to get me kicked out of my position in Scouts and it has now backfired on her and cost her her position. I have said DS cannot go to dad's house unles dad is home....its to visit dad, not step-mom.

Back in July was the last time until June 6 that my son's father called him or saw except for a phone call on his birthday in Nov to say Happy Birthday. No phone calls., no visits, no cards, nothing. Now that the problems in scouts have started, he wants DS all the time, Phone calls are going as well.

Here is where the problems have started. I have caught him in lots of lies about what he is saying he has done.

He said he was calling my son. I pulled the phone records from July. No phone calls, no texts, nothing on my son's phone. Its not there.

He said my parents saw him in walmart and accused him of not paying child support. I asked my parents about this. Never happened. My parents could not actually tell you what he looked like. When I asked him about this his story changed and said they looked at him like he didnt pay child support.

He said I was telling everyone at a day camp where I was the medic that he did not pay child support. He will not give me the names of these people.

He said I was telling everyone at day camp I was having conjugal visits (his exact words) every morning before the kids went to school. Again, he will not give me names.

I have put a block of his number on my son's phone so he has to call my phone so I can hear the conversation (btw my son will be 13 in Nov)

He is not on my son's birth cert. and all visits were because my son wanted to.

He called yesterday saying I am interfereing with him having a relationship with his son and we had a huge argument when I started calling him on his lies which ended with him telling me he is sueing me for custody.

My parents, who have helped me raise my son, are aware of this and will get a lawyer for me if he does this, but what should I do?

My son has said recently he does not want a relationship with his dad because he cant take the in and out of his life. He was gone totally for 11 years. He said he does not want anyone on his birth cert but me because I am the one who is there for him.

 

[Christine]

Not much you can do but to document everything, keep those phone records. Call the jerk's bluff and let him hire a lawyer to sue for custody. I bet he won't go through with it.

If he does, there isn't much you can do and there isn't much you can do now, I'm afraid, to get him off your back. Just see what he does and keep lots of records.

 

[Disney Doll]

I would document everything and when you're done documenting, then document some more. Keep phone records, dates and times of conversations you have with him, what he says you said etc. Don't get into any arguments with him and allow him to draw you into saying something you might regret. Let him talk and talk while you record the conversation or at least take notes, and at the end of the conversation say something very non-committal like "It's too bad you feel that way" and then say good-bye and hang up.

You might also want to consider a consultation with an attorney who specializes in child support/custody, just to get his/her take on what you should do. It would probably be money well spent to be prepared.

 

[DisneyBlonde]

You said his name is not on your DS birth certificate... Do you have a formal, legal agreement for child support and visitation? If so, contact your attorney about his harassing behavior.

If you do not have a formal agreement, I would call the police, get a restraining order.

Good luck.

 

[ginna74]

sounds like harrasment to me

 

[lillygator]

in your state what does it say about not being on the bc? In FL, I think it is kind of the kiss of death, but I would think if he is not on the bc you may be able to file some sort of charges.

 

[pls5286]

There was a DNA test done when my son was 16 months old to establish paternity through child support enforcement. He has never legitimized my son though. He has no legal rights to him. All visits he has had are because my son wanted to go and wanted to get to know his father. Now I am thinking this relationship is very detrimental to his mental health. He does not want to go to is dad's house any more because of all the lies he is telling.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

There was a DNA test done when my son was 16 months old to establish paternity through child support enforcement. He has never legitimized my son though. He has no legal rights to him. All visits he has had are because my son wanted to go and wanted to get to know his father. Now I am thinking this relationship is very detrimental to his mental health. He does not want to go to is dad's house any more because of all the lies he is telling.

Your son is 13 and I would respect his wishes. He can tell his dad to go pound sand.

It is healthy to want to move along with his life and not put up with a dad who is mentally unstable.

 

[JoiseyMom]

I would go with what your DS wants. If he doesn't want to see him because he isn't a constant then respect that. It doesn't sound like your ex is really going to sue. I think he was trying to scare you. Suing for custody takes BIG BUCKS. If he really wanted a realationship he wouldn't be lying or doing what he did.

As the others have said, keep documenting everything.

I am sure his current wife is not going to want to spend the money? BTW..do you know why the current wife was trying to get you outta scouts?? Just curious?

 

[pls5286]

Reason # 1. She just doesn't like me.

She formed a little cliq with some of her friends and tried to get me and the Cub Master out because she wanted to take over and run the pack the way she wanted to and that only succeded in dividing the pack here in the county.

I ended up being asked by district to help organize the new pack as it had leaders with no experience running a pack even though my son had crossed over into Boy Scouts and I accepted. Now she is spreading rumors trying to get me kicked out of scouts

The incidents that supposedly happened at day camp, when they happened I was actually with our District Executive sitting with him working on stuff most of the week. However, my ex was not there all week except on Friday night, so it has backfired on him. His wife was there all week, but she was outside working with the shooting sports.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Is she active with scouts because of hers/their children?

 

[pls5286]

Is she active with scouts because of hers/their children?

Yes, Their sons together are 9, 6, and 2, mine and his son together will be 13 in Nov.

 

[SereneOne]

As the biological father he can take you to court to establish rights and one of them would be that you not be allowed to listen to phone calls. That is intefering with the parent-child bond and can be the beginning of you losing custody if he so chooses to fight you.

If it is established that he is the biological father, then he has rights. Not trying to be argumentative or take the dad's side, just stating facts.

Please keep your son out of the issues as much as possible. I am not saying that you are putting him in the middle, just that from experience personally and professionally, it does more harm to the child and they usually know what is going on without being asked to choose sides or get involved. (Again, not saying you are doing this, it is just my best advice in these type situations, do your best to keep any battles between yourself and the dad. Your son may be 13, but he is still a kid.) Also, while many courts will take into account a child's preference, they also realize that parent's brainwash and/or bribe kids, so that is not the only determining factor AND parent's have a right to see their children, regardless of age until 18. Not pointing the finger at you, just in general.

I am sorry that your son and you have to go through this. Divorce is hard enough without the chaos that quite often ensues afterwards.

 

[pls5286]

I only have cell phones, so actually listening in to both parts of the conversation is impossible. I just want to monitor it. He just started calling once they renewed their efforts to get me removed from scouts and has been calling lots. When DS began asking me questions about his grandparents and why they had said stuff about his father such as the child support, I want to know when my son is talking to him. My son has never heard me bad mouth his father and never will. I supported his decision to get to know his dad while his dad was seeing him regularly and without explanation, his dad dropped back out of his life.

At this point my son does not want to see his dad because he does not feel like he wants to see him unless it is convienient to him.

I just spent a while going through old cell phone bills because DS's father had claimed he had been calling DS since July and had also sent text messages and DS had not returned his calls. There were no records of any calls to DS's phone from his father's cell phone, house phone or his step mother's phone until all this started two weeks ago.

 

[SereneOne]

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I was not accusing you of anything, just trying to give you some foresite into family court. I was talking in general.

I would also like to add, "Never let them see you sweat". People act this way and continue the behavior because there is a payoff. Remain calm and unruffled, it will cause them to look bad and it will help protect you and your son.

I also strongly recommend (and agree) with others that posted to document, document, document.

Again, I am sorry you and your son are going through this, Patty. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[kristen821]

Don't worry about it. He doesn't want custody. He knows that is the only thing he can say to hurt you. If he actually does go after custody let him waste his time trying. Your son is at an age where he might have a say so in the situation, but I don't think any judge will give him custody. He might get visitation, but you don't seem to have a problem with him seeing his son he just doesn't want to so nothing will change in the end.

 

[SereneOne]

You might be surprised at the vindictive things people will do, especially if they feel they have power over someone else (your son, and I mean the father and stepmom, not you) esp. when they feel powerless for whatever reasons.

My motto is, "Hope for the best, plan for the worst".

If you cover all your bases by documenting, not giving them any ammunition, and appearing unruffled, they get nothing out of it and will focus on something else because there is no payoff for them.

 

[sunnyday123]

Your son is 13 and I would respect his wishes. He can tell his dad to go pound sand.

It is healthy to want to move along with his life and not put up with a dad who is mentally unstable.

I would contact a attorney for a consultation, and even if he does pursue the custody deal, which I highly doubt he will, I would fight to remove all visitation between him and your son. I know here at 13 kids are allowed to have a say in things, but an attorney would be the way to go. No kid should have to put up with that torment.

 

[ticktock]

I bet the stepmom is resenting the child support and thinks it would be cheaper to keep your DS in her broom closet like Harry Potter.

My sister has dated two guys who had kids and she would go on and on about how the guy was getting ripped off by the ex. ,not understanding that child support should go toward housing and transportation as well as food and clothing .

The stepmoms/new girlfriends are the worst about resenting child support and really put a bug in the ear of the dads. Even stepmoms who have kids and should know better. My aunt married a guy with a kid and all she ever did was complain about how much support he had to pay (he was an engineer, he made good money). Then she would complain about how her ex never paid for her kid and even moved out of the country to avoid child support .

Like everyone said, document every weird thing he says or does. Write it down. Don't think you'll remember. It might be a good idea to take your documentation to a notary every once in a while. Being notarized doesn't validated your documents BUT it will prove that you've been keeping them all along with the date stamp of the notary. Just an idea.

Good luck. Your ex sounds like a piece of work. Is he very immature or is he mentally slow? From what you've described he doesn't sound normal.

 

[pls5286]

He is very immatue. He is not even legally recognized here as my son's father because he never legitimized him after the paternity test proved he was the father. We were never married. There is no court ordered visits or anything. I only let my DS go because he said he wanted to start a relationship with his dad at that time.

Last actual contact before this mess started was July 08.