Working Moms ?

[Kelnstephen]

Hi


My daughter is 5 months old and I sill feel really guilty about leaving her at daycare. I guess I'm Lucky My Mom owns a daycare so she actually goes to Grammy's House every day. But I went back to work Part time and it wasn't bad. I went Full time in December to be able to save money for my daughters education but I feel so guilty.Today was the first time I had to call in sick Because she was sick but I feel guilty about calling out also. Do all working moms have these issues? I see alot from stay at home mom's but that isn't possible for us because I have the better health insurance plan. But if I go Part Time I bring home about 100.00 a week after day care. So it's almost a waste. I do enjoy being able to Spoil my dauther with nice clothes and things Which she could care less about and taking her on Disney trips which wouldn't happen if I didn't work Full Time. Please tell me I''m not the only out there.

Kelly

 

[budbeerlady]

It was hard to leave DD the first times at daycare and she was 12 weeks. But for myself and her, we both needed time apart. I love her dearly and was a mess for a few days, calling and checking, etc. But I am a better mom if it isnt her and I 24/7. I didnt really know anyone where we live and my family was over an hour away and they all had their jobs and all my friends had their jobs. And poor Dh would come home and I would talk his ear off and tell him every little thing dD did. Which as you know at that age wasnt much. I was excited to change a diaper!!!! How great for you that DD will be with DG. I know it was right for our family!!! DD daycard has certified teachers, so she was cruising when kindergarten time came. School was no big deal for her (when she applies herself) and she has no problem interacting with others!!! It does get easier and how great to have your mom taking care of her.

 

[minkydog]

I felt the same way. I have worked full-time, part-time, and stayed home full-time and each has it's advantages and problems. You have to decide which problems are the least burdensome for you and which advantages are the greatest.

We finally decided that our household runs more smoothly when I am home most of the time. I work mostly weekends now, about 20hrs aweek. I pay the bills, clean the house, do the laundry, cook 90% of the meals, do teh errands, take care of the pets, send out the birthday & christmas presents and take everybody to the doctor.

We elected not to save for our children's education, but to save toward our retirement instead. We live in a state where the kids can get the HOPE scholarship if they will make a 3.0 avg. I figure that should be incentive enough for them--it's practically free money for college. Our retirement savings will make it so that our kids will not have to support us or their handicapped little brother out of their own funds.

I am a lot less conflicted about being away from the kids when i'm not away so much. They grow up so fast and I can never get those early days back. For us, it was better to live leaner, take small trips, and have me home when the kids were little. Now that they are older, it's easier and they don't mind my working too much. As long as I'm there to fix dinner and tuck them in

 

[Sabrina90744]

[QUOTE=Kelnstephen]Hi


My daughter is 5 months old and I sill feel really guilty about leaving her at daycare. I guess I'm Lucky My Mom owns a daycare so she actually goes to Grammy's House every day. But I went back to work Part time and it wasn't bad. I went Full time in December to be able to save money for my daughters education but I feel so guilty.Today was the first time I had to call in sick Because she was sick but I feel guilty about calling out also. Do all working moms have these issues? I see alot from stay at home mom's but that isn't possible for us because I have the better health insurance plan. But if I go Part Time I bring home about 100.00 a week after day care. So it's almost a waste. I do enjoy being able to Spoil my dauther with nice clothes and things Which she could care less about and taking her on Disney trips which wouldn't happen if I didn't work Full Time. Please tell me I''m not the only out there.

Kelly

I am single mother of two ages 6 and 8. I have been working full time since their birth. I was lucky to have my grandmother care for them when they were younger. In order to survive I had to return to work immediately. Had DD on a Saturday morning was back at work on Monday. I really missed all of her firsts. I hate that I am not able to spend that quality time with my children, but do cherish the 3 hours every evening and the weekends are dedicated solely to my children. So I know how you are feeling.

 

[AMaloy314]

Hi, Kelly.

I'm coming from the other side of the problem, so maybe you can see the positives in what you do. I am a mostly SAHM (I work 4 hours a week when DH is home to watch the kids). Before kids, I worked full time and was able to take off for a week at a time when my husbands 2 daughters stayed with us. When DS#1 was born, I was absolutely sure that I was going to be the perfect SAHM. No one was going to be better than me at taking care of him. Why in the world would anyone put their precious child in DAYCARE (cue the horror movie music!!). I lasted exactly 6 weeks. I was going nuts at home with a newborn who couldn't interact other than crying and sleeping, and only doing that intermittently--never enough for me to get any decent sleep. DH would come home and I would meet him at the door like a puppy hoping for some adult interaction. Finally, I called my old boss and asked if he would be interested in my coming back part time. Lucky for me, he jumped at the chance and was enthusiastic about me bring DS to work with me. Things were working out well. Skip to 15 months later when DS #2 was born. (Surprise! Betcha didn't see that coming. Neither did we.) This time there was no way to take 2 babies to work, so I tried again to be a SAHM. HA! I lasted 3 weeks this time. Since we had moved to a new area, I didn't know anyone and my family all lives out of state I didn't have a good option for daycare. (There's no way I'd leave my kids with DH's family, but that's a different story) This time, boss agreed to weekend work so DH could be with kids while I was gone. I thought it was all good until DS #1 got old enough to start doing activities like storytime at the library. He would literally cling to my leg with a deathgrip. I ended up enrolling him in a 4 hr per week preschool just so he could get some interaction with other kids his age. About this time DS#3 comes along. Now there's no way that we could afford for me to work and put three kids in daycare. It would be a money losing situation. So here I am again. Working 4 hours on Saturdays to make a little extra money and trying to keep sane, when DH can watch the boys.

On the other hand, DH's ex has been working full time all along. The girls always have the latest fashions, coolest gadgets and toys, and numerous trips to movies, concerts, etc. At least 2 trips per year, often to Disney or equivalent. Would I love to do that for my boys? You bet!! Is it an option for me? No. Am I happy with what I have? Of course. But there is always pros and cons to every situation.

Your baby is lucky to have a mommy that loves her very much. She will benefit from being around other kids her age and getting to have a close relationship with Grammy. She may catch colds etc from the other kids, but that just means that by school age, she'll be through most of it and will miss less school. In the mean time, your family doesn't have to scrimp and scratch to pay bills each month. It also keeps you in touch with your adult side. Will you feel guilty? Yup. But you will always think at some point that you shoulda, woulda, coulda..... no matter what you choose to do. I think it is just a Mom thing.

The best advice I can give you is try not to sweat it. I'm not sure who said "With children, the days are long, but the years are short", but they were so right. Go with what you got and enjoy the benefits of it all.

HTH.

 

[mommystieg]

It's hard being a mom, isn't it? We both decided before DD#1 was born that we would do whatever we had to to keep our child(ren) in private school. We both felt that we did not receive the best education in our state's public schools and didn't want our kid(s) to be as unprepared for college as we were. Well, DH isn't independently wealthy so I have worked full-time since our DD#1 was born. Sure, I miss them but I know they are spending time with some wonderful kids and teachers at their schools. You are lucky that your DD gets in lots of Grandma time. It all boils down to deciding what is right for your family. You're doing a great job as a Mommy--keep up the good work

 

[eeyoregirl]

Kelly,
By no means are you the only one out there. I work full time as a manager at a major retailer, and I also work at a restaurant one or two nights a week. I'm a single mom, so I have to work a lot in order to give my daughter what she needs, wants, and deserves... like our WDW trip in May! Yea!

 

[WDWorBUST]

Isn't this the age old dilemma. My dd is now 2 and I have to say it's harder now to leave her than when she was a tiny baby. She is such a little person now and so fun. I think you do learn to adjust though. I struggle with it every day - and like you I don't know that I really have a choice. I have an amazing job that I don't want to give up. And I have the good benefits....if DH had to cover benefits he wouldn't make anything for us to live on. Me working gives us the money to get out of debt faster and still enjoy vacations, fun clothes for Sammi, etc. However although I make 'good' money I don't make enough to pay for some help outside of childcare. I would love to be able to have someone clean my house once or twice a month and maybe someone to take care of the yard. I am by no means a good housekeeper - to be truthful I'm a slob - so I'm not overdemanding there. It just seems like when I'm not at work I have things I need to be doing and when I am at home I want to spend every minute with DD. So although I won't say it gets easier - you do get used to it. And you are so lucky to have a family member take care of her.

 

[Rowlf]

Kelly, you are definitely not the only one out there feeling like this! But, you have a great situation that many working moms would kill for. It is great that her Grammy can take care of her, and, honestly, it is good for her to get to know other people.

When I figured out that other caregivers interacted differently with my son than I do, which, in turn, meant that he learned different things from them that he could from me, I realized that having other people watch him is a good thing.

Don't look at just the $100 a week - also take into account the Social Security credits you are building up and any retirement funds you are accumulating. SAHM's often don't take Social Security into their financial planning and are caught short at retirement.

I fully believe that saving for education is very important. We bought DS a 429 pre-paid tuition plan so that he'll be able to do four years at any in-state school. I worked through college and, although I'm proud to say I made it through, I didn't have as much time to study and get involved with extra-curricular activities as I really feel like I should have had.

You are doing a great job! If leaving your little one didn't hurt, THAT'S when you would be being a bad mother.

 

[skuttle]

For me, I knew from the beginning that I could never be a SAHM. I worked way too hard to get through school to just throw that all away. I would NOT be happy just staying at home. Do I feel guilty at times bringing DS to daycare...sure I do. But more often than not I know that he gets more out of going to "school" each day than he would if I just stayed at home with him because I'd be miserable. You have to do what you think is best for YOU! A happy mom makes a happy baby.

 

[labdogs42]

I work FT and I feel guilty about leaving DS at daycare a lot of the time. I also know that the ladies at his daycare take wonderful care of him. I miss him terribly sometimes, but sometimes when I'm at home with him on the weekends, I can't imagine being with him 24/7. It is all SO confusing! I just wanted to let you know that you aren't the only working mommy who has mixed feelings about working and taking her child to daycare. It isn't easy, but it is nice to know we aren't alone!

I do love that DS learns different things from his interactions with other people and babies at "school" (my DS is 11 months old) and I love that he is so happy to see me at the end of the day. I really try to make interactions with him in the evenings and on the weekends special. I cherish my time with him which I think is great. I think if I was a SAHM, I wouldn't value my time with him as much. I'd like to be able to stay home or work part time by the time he is in school so that I can volunteer in his classroom and pick him up at the bus stop. Right now I make more money and DH has the better benefits, so we have a few years to save and for DH to get a higher paying job! I also like to buy him fun toys and go on nice vacations, so those are my other reasons for working!

 

[Leah and Emily's mom]

That is a struggle all parents make. My daughter is 8 and I still feel guilty. Between vacations and sick kids and sick mommy I was way over my days. You have to remember that your first committment is to your family and your job comes in second. Your employer will never say hold me mommy-- if you didn't work there someone else would- no one else can be your childs mother, I have 2 children both daycare kids. My time with my girls has more quality than my friends who stay at home and let their kids run the neighborhood and stay in their rooms and watch movies.

Take advantage of sick days to hold them and read stories.

My girls have been to DISNEY 3 times --their friends think they are lucky .....

 

[mel]

I know it is difficult, but you are blessed to be able to take him to his grandmother's every day. Just think of the bond they will have! My DD's have a grandmother they haven't seen much of and now that they are older, I don't think they will ever be as close to her as they are the other grand parents.

 

[lauritagoddess]

You're definitely not the only one. I'm a single mom so it wasn't even a choice for me whether to work. I went back to work when my son was 12 weeks old. My mom took care of him until he was 2 and since then he goes to preschool part-time and she watches him the other hours. If I had the option I'd prefer to work less hours per week and have more time with him, but I doubt I could ever be a SAHM. And my DS has been lucky enough to form a really close bond with my parents, as I'm sure your daughter will with your mom.

The one thing I don't feel guilty about is calling in if my son is sick. To me work is just what puts the food on the table and buys us what we need. My DS and his needs always come first. My son was quite sick last winter with continuous ear/adenoid infections until he had surgery at the end of March. I missed alot of work, but I had to do what was right for him.

 

[mantysk8coach]

Isn't this the age old dilemma. My dd is now 2 and I have to say it's harder now to leave her than when she was a tiny baby. She is such a little person now and so fun.

I was going to say the same thing. I'm in a situation much like the OP's my daughter stays home with DH (he works 7 days on, 7 days off) and at one of the grandparents on the days that he is working. She is well taken care of.

She's 20 months now, and the older she gets, the harder time I have leaving her. She's so much fun now, she's not that little infant that sleeps all day. I want to be able to take her to the park during the day, or sledding, or to classes at the YMCA...I want to wake up in the morning with her and watch "Dora" over breakfast. (I am tearing up as I write this, I have struggled with this for months now) But for now, bills need to be paid. My DH is in school right now, and when he's done and gets a better job, hopefully I'll be able to cut back to part time. That will be about the same time we will be getting ready to think about having #2 anyway, so the timing will be right.

So to the OP, you are definately not alone. Just be prepared as she gets older for those feelings to get stronger. It's not guilt, it's love for your child. Maybe part-time will start to look better to you. Do what feels right for you.

Hugs to you...

 

[emma'smom]

I am a working mom and proud of it! I choose to work because it allows me a degree of financial security, but, more importantly, allows me to maintain my professional skills. I think I am setting a wonderful example for my two daughters about the options that women have. i don't have a problem with women who choose to stay at home. i just know it wouldn't work for me! I love my children...and I love my job! Of course I feel guilty sometimes, but I also see the benefits. i actually volunteer at my daughter's school and take her to activities more than many of my SAHM friends who are balancing the responsibility of 2 or 3 children at once. With access to regular, high-quality day care, i am able to devote time to each of daughters individually while still having time for myself!

The only issues I have run into have been when my SAHM friends want to do things in the evenings when their husbands are home to watch the kids. They want a break...and I see evenings as family time because my "break" from my family occurs while I am at work.

 

[WDWNicole]

In my case, my DS (almost 5) and DD (10 mos) don't even realize that there is another option. DS just assumes that all of his friends' mommies work.

On the bright side, my DS is so much more social than some of his friends with SAHMs because he's around other children all day. He's a great sharer and loves to be with other children of all ages.

 

[sara74]

I have lurked on this thread until I hd enough time to collect my thoughts...I have to thank the OP for starting the thread. I wasn't brave enough because I thought I would get flamed! I too work, and I am proud, not guilty (usually) and happy with my choice! I recognize that it is not a choice for everyone, some people need to, some people want to and I think that we are all ok. My mom was a single mom and she worked 6 days a week to support us. She was the best mom a kid could ask for! I hope to follow her lead in raising my kids.

I was lucky to find a career I loved early and enjoy what I do every day. I also enjoy flexibility in that I work 3 days a week. I feel that I am a good role model to my kids, especially to my daughter. I think I would have a hard time telling her she needed to go to college (at over $100,000!) to get a career that she would quit in a few years to stay home. I love the center that my kids attend - to the point that we are soon, with the addition of baby #3, going to be paying more than we would for a nanny but we are choosing to keep our kids in daycare because we truly feel it is a school experience and the kids love it! My almost 4 year old is starting to read, my 18 month old can sing his ABC's. I do spend a good amount of time working with them on my at-home days, but I really credit the kids teacher's for all that they do. My MIL, who was a SAHM and nags me every time she sees me to quit my job, was amazed that my kids chose to go to daycare rather than stay home with her when she came to stay for a week. And believe me, she spoils them rotten!

The thing that gets me is that as working moms we don't have as much time to get together with each other, so we end up feeling alone, in addition to guilty and stressed out. I have had women at the park stop talking to me and walk away after finding out that I work. I have had people tell me that it muxt be nice to have a 'break' since I can't handle my kids all day like they can. I have had a neighbor tell me that SAHMs (like her) are all angry at WOHM's because we dump everything on them. I called for an electrician's # and got 20 minutes on what a bad mother I am, how working is a choice and I am ruining my childrens' lives. I am left feeling that for some SAHM's (at least in my area) the extra time saved by not leaving the home for a job is spent coming up with ways to judge those of us that do work. And since we are a minority in my town (relatively affluent area in CT) the few of us that could commiserate rarely connect to do so.

To end this novel.... To the OP, you are not alone. We are out there on the highway every morning with you, we are in the grocery store with toddler in tow in search of tonight's dinner at 6 pm, and we are good moms. There are a lot of things that make a good or bad mother and working isn't the biggest one of them. Love is. And it sounds like you (and all the rest of the posters too!) have plenty to give their kids. I'm so glad to see so many posts in support of each other.

 

[DVCLiz]

To end this novel.... To the OP, you are not alone. We are out there on the highway every morning with you, we are in the grocery store with toddler in tow in search of tonight's dinner at 6 pm, and we are good moms. There are a lot of things that make a good or bad mother and working isn't the biggest one of them. Love is. And it sounds like you (and all the rest of the posters too!) have plenty to give their kids. I'm so glad to see so many posts in support of each other.

This is such a terrific post - thank you!!! And so true. My lowest point as a working mom (which I was for 20 years) came when a neighbor with a new baby the same age as my new DD told me she wasn't going back to work because she was "doing what God meant for her to do." "Rats," I thought, "What did I ever do to tick God off so much that He wants her to stay home and drink coffee with the other moms and He wants me to work full-time so I can help support our family?"

Now that I am down the road a fair ways, I can see that none of my angst about working mattered very much. Plenty of great moms worked full or part time, and plenty of crummy ones hired sitters so they could play tennis five days a week. On the other hand, I knew some slack working moms and some great stay-at-home moms, too. The best in each category were the ones who were reasonably happy with their own lot and mostly not so interested in judging their fellow moms.

I also had all the kinds of childcare - my mother, a friend who did in-home child care, a nanny, and a daycare center. For various reasons, the center was my favorite. And neither DD seems to be scarred by the experience. We still talk about "baby school" and what fun they had there.

I certainly cried a few buckets of tears, OP, about the whole subject, but honestly, your children are going to grow up happy and healthy, I'm sure of it. And it doesn't matter later on - my children never bring up the fact that I missed a few of their firsts while they were at daycare, or that I couldn't always make the recitals. They are too busy hitting me up for cash so they can go out with their friends!!!!!!!!!

Take care - moms have to stick together, don't they????

 

[MayMom]

WOW Sara74.....well said.. I teach school and had to leave my DD at 8 weeks so I know how you are feeling OP. However I also want to add that you are SO lucky to have your mom to watch your baby. There are many women who are in very poor positions that are forced to get the cheapest person they can find. Count your blessings girl! You're doing a great job!