Wording/Card to decline a monetary gift?

[TheRatPack]

We have some relatives that sent a check for Christmas. I don't feel right taking it....for various (many) reasons. Do I send a card letting them know that we won't be cashing it? Or just let things be?

If I do send a card, what do I say...just that we appreciate the gesture but can't accept such a gift?

Thanks!!!

 

[tchrrx]

I know how you feel. We had a relative do the same & we weren't going to cash it. We called my MiL though (it was her side of the family) and she said that we should go ahead & accept it so that feelings don't get hurt. Is there another family member you could turn to for advice?

 

[Disneylush]

We had a family member do this and we knew they couldn't afford it but rather then not cash it or hurt their feeling we used it to send them gifts of need all year long (with their money)

(She got a Christmas bonus and rather then save it so they could survive better all year she opted to give it away )

We sent nicer items then usual for Christmas and birthday's, We sent food store, and Target cards for val's day, st. pat's day, a rainy april day... Every month we came up with some reason to send them a package until the money had run out.

with the last card we said this had been really fun for us and we don't ever expect anything in return but also on the same note we had to stop doing it.

I think my SIL caught on to what we were doing but never said anything.

 

[TheRatPack]

Thanks guys...this family member has a LOT of money....so this won't have any bearing on their bottom line at the end of the month. But we seriously don't feel right taking it due to some things that have been said and done over the past years. We still chat with them, still.....we're not going to cash it, we both agree on that. I don't want them to have to sit there and wonder for months if we're going to cash it though...hence the reason I wanted to let them know we wouldn't be cashing it, but thank them anyway.

I guess I'll just send a nice note of thanks and let them know we're thankful for the thought but we don't need the monetary gift to ....ugghh, I don't know the right words LOL I don't want them to think we're being snooty for not taking it, we're not rich by any means...but I also don't want them to think I'm snubbing them by not cashing their check.

 

[Tinkerbelle99]

boy this sure is a sticky situation... you still have some sort of a relationship with them (and it seems like you do, if somewhat strained) not accepting could just strain it further. If you absoluetely dont feel right taking fit or yourselves, how about forwarding it on to a charity or other organization. You could even do it in the original senders name and then send them a thank you card saying how you appreciate the thought and decided to forward to someone/organization that could really use it.

just another option...

 

[pumba526]

Just a thought...but could you cash the check and donate the money to a charity in their name? Then you could send them a card and tell them what you did with the money?

 

[TheRatPack]

Thanks guys.....I had a big long explanation typed out but now I feel odd airing our laundry...LOL So I'll just say, that we're not close to this family. They've not visited us but once in 15 years, we've seen them once in the past 5? They haven't sent anything for the past 10 years and just now send something after we saw them a few months ago.....almost like they feel pressured to acknowledge us on Christmas due to that recent visit...which was just to repair something.

Some things were said about our adopted children and since we never see them, it wasn't a huge thing.....but to accept money from them would be against what my husband and I feel is right...even if it was for charity.

Thanks again, I will send them a thank you card and acknowledge the gift, letting them know that it's appreciated but we don't feel right taking such a generous gift when we really don't need it.

 

[robsmom]

Thanks guys...this family member has a LOT of money....so this won't have any bearing on their bottom line at the end of the month. ...I don't want them to think we're being snooty for not taking it, we're not rich by any means...but I also don't want them to think I'm snubbing them by not cashing their check.

I think you really need to decide what message you are trying to send, not the words but the message. You want words that will make it sound like you are not snubbing them, but in reality you are in a way snubbing them. There are no words that you are going to come up with that are going to cover for the fact that you are not taking the check because you have hard feelings and an akward relationship. If you want to send that message just write a thanks but no thanks note and move on, they will get the message. If you honestly do not want to hurt their feelings and want to forgive and forget, you should just cash the check, send a thank you note and buy something for the kids.

 

[JerseyGirl84]

Maybe what you really want to say is Thanks for the gift of money, but we would rather have the gift of your time (a visit). I know you said words were passed that were unpleasant, but you also mentioned that they have hardly visited you. They probably still won't visit, but you are getting across the point that you don't want the money, you only wanted them to show more interest and take the time out to visit instead of just throwing money your way.

 

[CTdiznymom]

I agree with previous posters on cashing the check and donating to a charity in their name. Send them a nice note of appreciation that says something like... "Our family would like to thank you for your generous Christmas gift. During these difficult economic times there are many less fortunate. We would like you to know that we've decided to donate to xxx charity in your name. Thank you again for thinking of us, and we hope you will continue this practice in years to come. There is nothing that warms the heart more than giving to others. Sincerely,

 

[Belle5]

My mom sent a check in a 70th birthday card to her former SIL (my deceased father's sis) and she sent it back to my mom. She was sending a message loud and clear that she did NOT want to be in "that" kind (spending $$) of relationship with my mother. She did not say as much but didn't have to... My mom was really hurt by it. Their relationship is really over since that rejection. It would really hurt me to have a gift sent back. I would totally be reading a message in it. I guess you are angry enough about their comments about your kids to not care if it hurts them, and I can totally understand that. Just realize that no matter how you sugar coat the explanation, they will be offended.

 

[HayGan]

Thanks guys...this family member has a LOT of money....so this won't have any bearing on their bottom line at the end of the month. But we seriously don't feel right taking it due to some things that have been said and done over the past years. We still chat with them, still.....we're not going to cash it, we both agree on that. I don't want them to have to sit there and wonder for months if we're going to cash it though...hence the reason I wanted to let them know we wouldn't be cashing it, but thank them anyway.

I guess I'll just send a nice note of thanks and let them know we're thankful for the thought but we don't need the monetary gift to ....ugghh, I don't know the right words LOL I don't want them to think we're being snooty for not taking it, we're not rich by any means...but I also don't want them to think I'm snubbing them by not cashing their check.

You certainly know wht is best for your family in this situation but have you thought about if this refusal of the money will make things worse (maybe you don't care - I don't know.) You are in fact snubbing them by not accepting the gift. I personally would be insulted if I sent someone a gift and then it was rejected. Maybe they are trying to make ammends by sending such a gift. It is a tough situation.

I would think that a nicer way of not taking the money for yourself would be to cash it and then give it to a charity (maybe related to children's heritage or adoption.) Then send them a nice note saying thank you for your generous gift. In the spirit of giving we have donated your gift to XYZ.

 

[Sunbeamblue2002]

Just a quick thought just but don't checks just expire after a period of time? If they have that kind of money they most likely notice if it was cashed or not. If they do ask afer while tell them it got misplaced and sorry. Thats what I use to do with my aunts checks when she sent them and I knew she couldn't afford it. I know thats not your case but having been in a situation kinda like yours your in a no win situation. So just keep it don't say anything and don't cash it.

 

[poohfriend]

but now I'm glad I have more info. sounds like you think there are some silent strings attached to the gift.

If you just can't bring yourself to cash the check and put it into savings bonds or education plans for your children....here's my suggestion:

Dear Aunt Ruthie:

We so appreciate you thinking of us at Christmas. Although we appreciate your generous gift, we are uncomfortable accepting a cash gift. All of our needs are taken care of.

If you insist on giving us something, we'd suggest making a donation in our honor to our favorite charity --(name of charity).


Thank you again for thinking of us. Have a blessed Christmas.

Your name


I'm confident you'll make the right decision for your family. good

On the flip side of your request: Perhaps they indended this to manipulate you, but you can turn it around for something good. I'm not sure I'd turn down a gift unless it was somehow corrupt. (and perhaps that's exactly how you see it.) Or maybe this is the way some need your family has will be provided.

 

[a1tinkfans]

but now I'm glad I have more info. sounds like you think there are some silent strings attached to the gift.

If you just can't bring yourself to cash the check and put it into savings bonds or education plans for your children....here's my suggestion:

Dear Aunt Ruthie:

We so appreciate you thinking of us at Christmas. Although we appreciate your generous gift, we are uncomfortable accepting a cash gift. All of our needs are taken care of.

If you insist on giving us something, we'd suggest making a donation in our honor to our favorite charity --(name of charity).


Thank you again for thinking of us. Have a blessed Christmas.

Your name


I'm confident you'll make the right decision for your family. good

On the flip side of your request: Perhaps they indended this to manipulate you, but you can turn it around for something good. I'm not sure I'd turn down a gift unless it was somehow corrupt. (and perhaps that's exactly how you see it.) Or maybe this is the way some need your family has will be provided.

I think this response is PERFECT. No insulting could be taken in my opinion and you show appreciation for her offering to you (regardless of her motive, if there was one) .
I do not think cashing the check and sending it to a charity in Whoever's name (your or hers) is appropriate at all, that is a clear snub (like the sender was not generous enough, you had to do it for them).
I would be insulted. If THEY had done it on their own and you recv'd an acknowledgment note saying it was sent in your honor, that would be different in my mind. I actually got some of those from people that knew $$ was not needed but they sent donations to Sloan Kettering after my battle with Breast Cancer. It was an amazing feeling to know someone thought enough to send money to Sloan. I'll never forget that. But, the difference as I see it, is that THEY did it on their own.
I just wanted to wish you good luck in your decision of how to handle the situation.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS to all!!

 

[C.Ann]

Thanks guys...this family member has a LOT of money....so this won't have any bearing on their bottom line at the end of the month. But we seriously don't feel right taking it due to some things that have been said and done over the past years. We still chat with them, still.....we're not going to cash it, we both agree on that. I don't want them to have to sit there and wonder for months if we're going to cash it though...hence the reason I wanted to let them know we wouldn't be cashing it, but thank them anyway.

I guess I'll just send a nice note of thanks and let them know we're thankful for the thought but we don't need the monetary gift to ....ugghh, I don't know the right words LOL I don't want them to think we're being snooty for not taking it, we're not rich by any means...but I also don't want them to think I'm snubbing them by not cashing their check.

-----------------------

Just be aware that no matter how "nicely" you word your "thanks, but no thanks", it's likely to cause hard feelings and could result in the termination of any kind of relationship with them..

Having said that, if you are comfortable with having no relationship with them whatsoever, you could just write something along the lines of, "Thank you very much for your thoughtful and generous gift. However, we don't feel comfortable accepting a monetary gift."

I'm not sure exactly what your issues are with these family members, but if there are no "strings" attached to this check, I'm pretty sure they will think it's quite rude of you not to accept their gift..

 

[lisadr]

I just wanted to say that without knowing what went on between you and the family you are speaking about it's hard to give advice. But I was wondering what the meaning behind such a gift would be? Are they trying to embarass you? Are they trying to reach out and say "sorry" but are the kind of people that can only do so with money? Are they just the kind of people that throw money around and so this is no big deal to them? Is it some sort of manipulation? I think if you know the "why" you will have your answer on they "how" to give the money back. If you know why they did what they did (sending the $$) then you have to decide what kind of answer you want to give them in response.

 

[riley2008]

I didn't read through all the replies, but did some.

People give gifts for ALL sorts of reasons - guilt, love, fear, forgiveness, etc.

Sometimes, though, you just have accept the gift that was offered. A refused gift (no matter what the reason) does potentially add to a fire or start one if the giver has no clue.

My advice, which is not what you asked (you asked how to word the letter), is just say "thank you". Nothing more.

Then you and DH decided what to do later with the money - add it to your kids college funds, donate it, take a trip, whatever.

The gift may have been offensive, but I really feel that it is just better to say thank you. (and remember - gifts aren't typically about need)

Good luck on your decision.

 

[StephMK]

It's hard to answer without knowing the whys of the situation but I can't think of a way to refuse the gift that won't cause hard feelings, imo. If it's things that have been said or done that aren't illegal (then I'd return it, hard feelings or not) can you use that money towards your kids' college funds & think of it as going to a good cause? Let them know that's where it went.

Or if you don't want to keep it but don't want to offend them, how about donating the entire check to a charity & let them know that. You appreciate the gift, feel there are others that need it more & donated the entire amount in their honor, on their behalf, etc.

 

[lizziepooh]

Unless the "things said" were said directly to you, I would also consider the possibilty that words and conversations relayed by other family members can sometimes be misconstrued. I don't see any way of returning a check without causing hard feelings. I would give serious thought to what you are gaining and the possible family consequences of returning it. I would say don't rush to return it but give yourself some time to think it all thru.