Will the family drama ever end

[Disneyrsh]

Not outright. What I said was that the behavior was garbage, and if you behave like that...

Sack up, MaryAnn, and just say it. This whole hiding behind smiley faces while you all are horrible to each other is so fake.

Me too. I would decline and call it a day. I would nto forget though.

So you just get to carry around that anger and resentment for however knows how long? Why?

^^This^^ Also, for the gift...I would go to the Dollar Store and buy one of those little mini-plungers and wrap it up! Viola!

Seriously, I wouldn't have what it takes to do any of that...I just like to fantasize. What I would honestly have done is called the person I'm related to (bride or groom) and explained that if my sister is not welcome, I will not attend. I would make darn sure they understood why I wasn't attending, but I know I'd be all "adult" about it...I'm such a loser.

If you did that, then that would make you no better than the bride and her family. In fact, it would make you a bigger ___ than they are.

I would take the high road. Send a lovely card with a note wishing them good luck and telling them that you are sorry that you could not attend the wedding and leave it at that.

You do realize that all this talk about taking the high road and acting like an "adult" is totally lost on the people who are cutting the sister out of the wedding? You're acting all high and mighty and above the fray, and they're at the wedding laughing and talking about you and your loser sister. Really, people, why do you all take this crap?

If I happen to hear that someone got drunk and knocked over the cake, I would have a good laugh. I'm just sayin! I am willing to bet all of the college kids at this wedding will not be on their best behavior.


I will not be sending them a gift. I know I "should" but well, I already sent a gift for the shower and I will not be spending another dime on these two.

It's even funnier when you do it sober. You know, the whole thing about revenge being a dish best served cold (sober).

this cousin was arrested twice in the recent past for DWI.

There was no way I was going to invite someone to my DD's wedding & have him get drunk, drive & possibly cause an accident.
:

So because somebody has a drinking problem, you think you know better than he does how to manage it and you excluded him from the wedding. Nice.

I have a lot of irish relatives, if I decided to exclude everyone from my wedding who has/had issues with alcohol, it'd be a pretty empty reception.

Or the relatives that like to have casual sex, let's just exclude them too, because the bridesmaids and guests don't need to be exposed to that sort of thing, too.

Weddings really bring out the ugly in people.

 

[ilovejack02]

Or the relatives that like to have casual sex, let's just exclude them too, because the bridesmaids and guests don't need to be exposed to that sort of thing, too.

I just spit my coffee everywhere.

 

[JerseyJanice]

You do realize that all this talk about taking the high road and acting like an "adult" is totally lost on the people who are cutting the sister out of the wedding? You're acting all high and mighty and above the fray, and they're at the wedding laughing and talking about you and your loser sister. Really, people, why do you all take this crap?

And you know this--how?

I don't think the OP even knows the precise reason the sister wasn't invited. It sounds like she and her mother are only guessing that the sister isn't welcome because she was a rambunctious teenage 17 years ago. Maybe there is more to it than that.

I hope most of your posts are jokes. If not, you sound like a relative from Hades. Not being invited to someone's wedding (or any other affair) does NOT give you the right to show up anyway and try to ruin the party. Doing something like that is low-class, petty, mean, vindictive, and boorish.

If I were so angry at a relative that I had an urge to make a scene their wedding, I would sooner cut them out of my life. No way would I disgrace myself by going there and acting like a fool for the whole family to see.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

Sack up, MaryAnn, and just say it. This whole hiding behind smiley faces while you all are horrible to each other is so fake.

I said what I said, clear as day, in as nice and acceptable way as possible. If you're going to pretend I'm hiding something, that's your problem. ""

So you just get to carry around that anger and resentment for however knows how long?

Ah...I think this explains you right there. You can't let go of anything, and apparently you've accumulated massive doses of anger and resentment, which is clearly showing on this thread.

Not being invited to someone's wedding (or any other affair) does NOT give you the right to show up anyway and try to ruin the party. Doing something like that is low-class, petty, mean, vindictive, and boorish.

If I were so angry at a relative that I had an urge to make a scene their wedding, I would sooner cut them out of my life. No way would I disgrace myself by going there and acting like a fool for the whole family to see.

I agree...and good list JJ!

 

[Ciao Mickey]

You do realize that all this talk about taking the high road and acting like an "adult" is totally lost on the people who are cutting the sister out of the wedding? You're acting all high and mighty and above the fray, and they're at the wedding laughing and talking about you and your loser sister. Really, people, why do you all take this crap?



First off, do you really think the bride and groom and their immediate family will be thinking of the people they didn't invite to the wedding on their big day?

I doubt it.

I can write a book about some of my and my husband's F***-** family and what they have put me through in my lifetime.

Do you want to know one of the most important things I have learned from my experience? Even though it hurts you deeply (like a knife through the heart and your soul), sometimes you are better off not letting them know that. Because that will only give them satisfaction in your reaction to what they have done to you.

So, act indifferent.

That's the best kind of reaction to certain situations. That shows them that you really don't care either way what they do. It also shows them what they do has no effect on you.

I know how the OP feels. I would feel the same way if someone disrespected my sister in that manner. But in this situation you don't have many choices of what to do. I wouldn't lower myself to do what you would suggest. Instead, I would do the opposite and show them that I really don't give a damn who they invited to the wedding.

I think there is more to the story. Something is going on between the OP's mother and the OP's aunt for the aunt to not invite the sister to the wedding. Something that maybe the OP doesn't know about.

 

[luvsJack]

Another odd subject to start a debate around here .

I wouldn't "take the high road" but I wouldn't take the low one either. Like I have told dd in some of that ever lasting teen drama going on: Hold your head high, know that you are not lowering yourself to their level but don't let them think they have gotten the better of you either.

I think my RSVP would have been in written form and included a nicely written (with a bit of biting sarcasm) reason as to why I was not attending. I would not send a card, a gift or even a good luck note. And that would be the end of it.

I might dream of dumping the cake in their lap, showing up drunk, stepping on the brides gown before the ceremony or any other 100 ways to "ruin the day", but I wouldn't do any of it.

 

[wdwfan16]

Another odd subject to start a debate around here .

I wouldn't "take the high road" but I wouldn't take the low one either. Like I have told dd in some of that ever lasting teen drama going on: Hold your head high, know that you are not lowering yourself to their level but don't let them think they have gotten the better of you either.

I think my RSVP would have been in written form and included a nicely written (with a bit of biting sarcasm) reason as to why I was not attending. I would not send a card, a gift or even a good luck note. And that would be the end of it.

I might dream of dumping the cake in their lap, showing up drunk, stepping on the brides gown before the ceremony or any other 100 ways to "ruin the day", but I wouldn't do any of it.

That it taking the low road.

 

[luvsJack]

That it taking the low road.

Not in my opinion. The low road would be continuing the drama, making a scene at the wedding, causing problems in the rest of the family. This is between the OP's immediate family and the couple. Why shouldn't they know why they are choosing not to attend the wedding? Tell 'em why and let it go. The sarcasm part can be done or not done--works either way.

Sorry, but I find sending a nice card and wishing them well when nothing could be further from the truth as hypocritical and much more wrong than letting them know how you feel.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

Not in my opinion. The low road would be continuing the drama, making a scene at the wedding, causing problems in the rest of the family. This is between the OP's immediate family and the couple. Why shouldn't they know why they are choosing not to attend the wedding? Tell 'em why and let it go. The sarcasm part can be done or not done--works either way.

Sorry, but I find sending a nice card and wishing them well when nothing could be further from the truth as hypocritical and much more wrong than letting them know how you feel.

So it's better to let them know how much they've upset you? I wouldn't give them that satisfaction.

By sending them a nice card and wishing them well, shows (at least to me) that I am acting better than they did. Maybe one day, if they have the least bit of sense, they will look back and be embarrassed by what they did. If not, oh well, who cares, at least I didn't stoop down to their level of stupidity.

 

[Gigi22]

If I were the OP, I would decline the invitation--take the money I would have spent on a wedding present, and treat my mom and sis to dinner out! Not worth getting worked up about IMHO, and in five years--will it matter?
The person I feel sorry for is that terribly clueless bride (or should that be bridezilla?), who is running around causing such a ruckus in her own family over her special day--I wonder how she is going to deal with having in-laws? How on earth will she ever be able to celebrate her 25th wedding anniversary in good conscience, knowing how she deliberately used her wedding to injure others? I'm thinking the poor woman is in desperate need of a new improved brain! How stupid can one person be, after all?

 

[wdwfan16]

Not in my opinion. The low road would be continuing the drama, making a scene at the wedding, causing problems in the rest of the family. This is between the OP's immediate family and the couple. Why shouldn't they know why they are choosing not to attend the wedding? Tell 'em why and let it go. The sarcasm part can be done or not done--works either way.

Sorry, but I find sending a nice card and wishing them well when nothing could be further from the truth as hypocritical and much more wrong than letting them know how you feel.

Your little note, like not going out to lunch for your Mother's birthday, is continuing the drama.

The correct thing to do is to decline the invite and let it end there. No need to send a card or a gift. Sending either or both would not be hypocritical

Nobody, even the OP, knows why the sister was not invited. It is possible the sister did something that the OP does not know about.



was the "sister" once and I did not get my panties in a wad. I sent the new couple a nice card and a check. Not as big as others get but a nice check none the less. I can hold my head up high and know I did the right thing not the spiteful or vindictive thing. Just because I was not invited does not mean I do not wish them a long and happy marriage.

 

[JerseyJanice]

If I were the OP, I would decline the invitation--take the money I would have spent on a wedding present, and treat my mom and sis to dinner out! Not worth getting worked up about IMHO, and in five years--will it matter?
The person I feel sorry for is that terribly clueless bride (or should that be bridezilla?), who is running around causing such a ruckus in her own family over her special day--I wonder how she is going to deal with having in-laws? How on earth will she ever be able to celebrate her 25th wedding anniversary in good conscience, knowing how she deliberately used her wedding to injure others? I'm thinking the poor woman is in desperate need of a new improved brain! How stupid can one person be, after all?

In fairness to the bride, it sounds like it was her future MIL who left the sister out of the wedding. The bride might not have a clue that her wedding is being "used to injure others". I somehow doubt that is her intention. Most likely, the groom's parents were told they could invite a certain number of people based on the size of the wedding the couple wants, and they made up their own guest list.

We don't even know how many cousins there are in the family. I have 27 first cousins, so when I got married, I didn't invite any of my cousins who live out of state to the wedding. My in-laws paid for our reception, and there would have been too many guests if I included all 27 and their spouses/SOs. The situation could be something like this.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

In fairness to the bride, it sounds like it was her future MIL who left the sister out of the wedding. The bride might not have a clue that her wedding is being "used to injure others". I somehow doubt that is her intention. Most likely, the groom's parents were told they could invite a certain number of people based on the size of the wedding the couple wants, and they made up their own guest list.

We don't even know how many cousins there are in the family. I have 27 first cousins, so when I got married, I didn't invite any of my cousins who live out of state to my wedding. My in-laws paid for our reception, and there would have been too many guests if I included all 27 and their spouses/SOs. The situation could be something like this.

No, the OP stated clearly that the sister was being left out on purpose because of how she acted in her youth. So it was diliberate. I am sure she is aware. And yes, the MOB may have been the one to put the "no" on the op's sister. However MOB knows that this will cause family drama since she is aware that OP's mother is a drama queen.

Who knows the extent of the sister's infractions against the family of the bride? Or even if there is any issue or bride/MOB is just crazy or mean to this family.

It would have been different if the bride's family said we cannot invite the sister because of budget concerns, but then you would not invite the other sister...duh, just the mother.

ETA.....This could be just plain old sibiling crap between the sister's. That is something to think about.

 

[JerseyJanice]

No, the OP stated clearly that the sister was being left out on purpose because of how she acted in her youth. So it was diliberate. I am sure she is aware. And yes, the MOB may have been the one to put the "no" on the op's sister. However MOB knows that this will cause family drama since she is aware that OP's mother is a drama queen.

Who knows the extent of the sister's infractions against the family of the bride? Or even if there is any issue or bride/MOB is just crazy or mean to this family.

It would have been different if the bride's family said we cannot invite the sister because of budget concerns, but then you would not invite the other sister...duh, just the mother.

No, I believe the OP and her mother assume the sister was left out because of her behavior as a teenager, but they don't know it for a fact. It sounds to me as if the OP's mother is running around complaining to other relatives, but has not had a discussion with the groom's mother about it.

If there is a constraint on the number of guests for budgeting or other reasons, they may have included the OP because they attended her wedding and perhaps the sister hasn't had a wedding yet.

And whatever the MOB is doing is irrelevant in this case because the OP is related by blood to the groom, not the bride. But I agree with you that it may be a sister/sibling thing between the MOG and the OP's mom.

 

[ksjayhawks]

The best way to avoid the drama is to not get involved in it. For the OP, when her mom wants to bring it up, bean dip her and refuse to discuss it. If mom persists, hang up the phone, leave the room, leave the building!

The bridal couple can invite whomever they want. If OP is upset that her sister is not invited, then rsvp "no" and do not send a card/gift if you do not want to. Adding a note "I am not coming because my sister wasn't invited" is not going to change anything and may only fuel the fire more (if there is one). There could be many reasons why sister wasn't included--couple did not feel close, couple/parents have had dealings with sister that op and her mom don't know about, etc. The couple sets the guest list, guests do not, and as a guest you have two choices--go or not go.

 

[tasha99]

That it taking the low road.

I don't think so. I think that was the honest, unconstipated road. I think sending well wishes when you don't mean it, and then hoping that someday in the future, the couple will feel sorry and embarrassed about their snobbery doesn't really work. I would rather say what I mean even if the message is unpopular.

 

[irishtigger]

My mother is not going, but she RSVPd yes. She is on a rampage and I think every family member within the next few states had to hear about this, which only made my sister feel worse. The bride & groom never responded to any of it. I know a few of my cousins also RSVPd no, for the same reason I did. There was another cousin left out as well. SO a few family members have chosen not to go.

IrishTigger-HS was 17 years ago for my sister

Its a real shame that they pulled this. I am very sorry that your sisters feelings were hurt. It really isnt fair. I may not be thrilled with things some of my cousins have done in their lives but I really couldn't see me getting married without them there. They are my family. Tell your sister to keep her head held high she knows what kind of person she is now and if people can't get past their own issues that is on them NOT a reflection of her.

 

[Nancyg56]

So you just get to carry around that anger and resentment for however knows how long? Why?
.

I would be upset for my sister and would certainly decline the invitation but I very seldom carry anger and resentment for any length of time. In this case i think I would probably move on and on and on. I would consider any more energy spent on this wasted energy. These people would not be people i want to spend time with.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

That it taking the low road.

I agree.

No, the OP stated clearly that the sister was being left out on purpose because of how she acted in her youth. So it was diliberate.

It wasn't so clear to me. It sounds like there are a lot of assumptions on the part of the OP, her mother and her sister. IMHO, it seems highly unlikely that the issue is ONLY about the sister's behavior in her youth; that since then, the sister has truly shown she's a totally different person and has had an actual relationship with the cousin/aunt, but that all of that doesn't matter...all they're focusing on is her behavior 17 years ago??

Your little note, like not going out to lunch for your Mother's birthday, is continuing the drama.

The correct thing to do is to decline the invite and let it end there. No need to send a card or a gift. Sending either or both would not be hypocritical

Nobody, even the OP, knows why the sister was not invited. It is possible the sister did something that the OP does not know about.

Exactly. And does EVERYONE know what's going on in everyone else's lives in their families??? I've had the closest contact (unfortunately) with my sister than any of the other 3 sibs, or other relatives, and I know first hand what a wacko she is. But I don't go around broadcasting it to everyone in the family. Whatever decision I might make about her could be met with confusion and judgmental accusations, but the fact is they have no idea what I've had to put up with where she's concerned. She's toxic. I don't need/want toxicity at my family events.

I don't think so. I think that was the honest, unconstipated road.

I think that the people who are just willing to "let it go" are on the unconstipated road.

I may not be thrilled with things some of my cousins have done in their lives but I really couldn't see me getting married without them there. They are my family.

That's your family. Not all relationships are the same from family to family. Not all behaviors are just things that someone "may not be thrilled with".

 

[luvsJack]

Your little note, like not going out to lunch for your Mother's birthday, is continuing the drama.

The correct thing to do is to decline the invite and let it end there. No need to send a card or a gift. Sending either or both would not be hypocritical

Nobody, even the OP, knows why the sister was not invited. It is possible the sister did something that the OP does not know about.



was the "sister" once and I did not get my panties in a wad. I sent the new couple a nice card and a check. Not as big as others get but a nice check none the less. I can hold my head up high and know I did the right thing not the spiteful or vindictive thing. Just because I was not invited does not mean I do not wish them a long and happy marriage.

Why do you insist on bringing up old threads? Is your life so boring that you have to keep bringing up mine? Get off it and move on.

FYI: That all ended a long time ago and its over and done with. WE have fixed the problem and moved on. Sadly only a stranger on a message board seems to be hanging on to the problem.

Telling the couple why she will not be attending is not spiteful or vindictive; its being truthful. Telling them "oh have a wonderful life" when you do not feel that way is being a hypocrite.