Why won't anyone play with my DD9?

[TinaLala]

So I just came back from a softball pool party - a softball team that my DD9 played on and no one at the pool party played with her. Now during the season no one really talked to her either. Why?

She dances and has friends there and has some friends at school, but I don't like seeing my DD9 playing by herself and alone. Is it a confidence thing? Is there something I can do? I thought if I got her involved in more sports it would help, but we saw the same thing.

Does anyone else have this problem? Does anyone have any suggestions?

 

[Jill in Chicago]

Kids attract friends for all different reasons. If she has friends , whether at school, through church, or other programs... I would not be worried. It may just be this softball group.

Keep in mind too that some kids do not need or want a lot of friends. Some kids are very content to be by themselves. If you as the parent are a people person, who loves to hang out with lots of folks, then it may seem unusual to you that someone else would be content to be by themselves.

If she talks to you about being lonely, or wanting more friends then it is something to look into.

Kids who have a lot of friends are often very easy going. They are quick to say, "Sure that sounds like fun," versus, "No, this is what I want to do." They are easy to make laugh, and they laugh a lot themselves. They are usually kind (of course but not always some popular kids are pretty mean) and make others feel welcome. They are accepting of differences. They are often leaders, whom other children want to follow. They come up with fun ideas that others want to join in on. They are confident in themselves, and feel no need to put others down. (Again, there are the popular exceptions who are cruel.)

On the other hand kids without a lot of friends tend to "walk to the beat of a different drummer." This is not a bad thing. It is just who they are. They have no need to blend in with a group. They would rather be on their own than do any blending. They are very particular with who they hang out with. Again, not in a snobby way. For instance they may have no patience with kids who are not as smart as they are. They don't want to have to explain themselves.

Sometimes kids who don't have a lot of friends have very unusual interests. They only want friends who share those interests. Other loners are bossy or pushy, or used to getting their own way, again with no patience for others.
Others are simply very quiet. They blend into the background. No one really notices them. Those types either have to wait for an outgoing child to seek them out, or they will have to force themselves to look around and find another quiet child and introduce themselves.

Hope this helps.

 

[Sophie_2003]

Agree with PP. For example look at adults. Dh, for one, has one good friend and is completely happy at home and does not socialize much, without being an introvert. I am middle of the road and like to have company over every once in a while, but not every weekend, and I enjoy my alone time too. Our DD is only 4 and has buddies but does not want to see other kids every day.

Again if she complains that is one thing. if she doesn't mention it, I would let it go

 

[The Disney Bunch]

Is she upset about it? Maybe talk to her guidance counselor. I would find it odd that she would have no one talk to her or play with her. I know some people like to be alone but kids generally gravatate to other kids.

 

[rt2dz]

Ask your DD. She may know. Jill in Chicago has a lot of great insights too.

DS7 has tons of friends. Other kids surround him constantly. Parents seek me out because they want to know who is mother is. There are kids who know him that he doesn't have the slightest idea who they are, but he tries to figure it out. People are very drawn to him--adults as well as kids. DH is like this. We can run into people who know him in other states! And usually he doesn't remember them very well. He was really active in college and it's the people know you thing.

DS4 is not as social. He's real picky about people and is very shy. He doesn't like to be approached right away and isn't going to approach others off the bat. He needs to be introduced and allowed to take things slowly. If this isn't allowed to happen, he'll hang out with himself. And he's OK with that; sometimes, I think, he prefers it. When he is with kids he's comfortable with, you'd think he was very outgoing. He's much more like me, although I'm not as bad as he is.

DS2 just follows his own lead. If other kids join him, great and if not, that's great too. Little kids tend to like him, but he is indifferent to them. It will be interesting to see how that manifests as he gets older.

 

[eeyorefan74]

Maybe you can help out by letting her choose friends to have over for playdates. Or letting her take a friend for a fun activity- bowling, movies, etc. I think it helps a lot to build those relationships one on one or in smaller groups. I was really worried about my DD for a while when I'd ask her who she played with on the playground at school and she'd say she played by herself. But as it turns out, she was okay with that, and does have friends that she plays with at times, too.

I feel for you. We all want our kids to be loved and to keep them from being hurt. Maybe the softball team is just not the right fit for her. And like PP's have said, it couldn't hurt to talk to her teacher if it seems to be a problem when school starts. They might be able to give you some clues as to what dynamics are going on with her and the other kids- is she coming across as bossy, shy, or whatever. Good luck and I bet things will turn out just fine.

 

[bjscheel]

Sometimes I am concerned about my DD9. She has one really good best friend and a few casual, sometime friends. Last year a new girl came who was kind of pulling BF away from DD but by year's end they managed to make a trio. But at the pool one day, the newcomer happened to be there and basically ignored DD. I don't think there's much we can do. Sometimes I think she waits to be asked to play with someone at recess instead of doing any asking. Also she doesn't see her friends much during the summer as we are out in the country and her friends are going back and forth around town on their bikes.

DD6 on the other hand had just arrived at a park last week when some other little girl asked to play with her. DD says "Okay. This structure is the bad pirates ship and that structure is the good pirates ship. And we aren't captured yet." And they were off, pilfering magic jewels and eventually having every other little kid trailing after them.

Can't believe she's my kid! I would have been hanging on my mom's leg!

 

[wife5080]

I almost posted the same message on Sunday about my DD11. She is a wonderful child (only, not by choice) and had one really good friend until this summer. DD made the Jr. High cheer leading squad and so did her friend. At a birthday party Sunday (for one good friend) my DD said no one really played with her except friends little sister. DD is very polite and kind of shy. Friend started hanging out with other cheerleaders who are interested in make-up and boys. DD has boys that are friends but no interest in them beyond that. I think she might be a little immature for her age and it breaks my heart that she feels "left behind'. I hate this age for a girl. Just let your child know she is loved at home and hopefully everything else will work out.

 

[TinaLala]

The more people I talk to about this everyone seems to say about the same thing. Have confidence in her and she'll have confidence in herself. If I continue to worry about it and point it out then she'll start worrying about it and get upset about it.

So a new year is about to start in a month and all I can do is be brave for her. She's signed up for Girl Scouts and starts dance again so we'll have our fingers crossed for her.

 

[bsusanmb]

Just reading all of this breaks my heart and brings back such terrible memories of my two younger daughters. The oldest was very self confident and she was a leader...the middle girl was very shy, quiet, very thin, farsighted and so she wore glasses that made her eyes look huge, and she had very crooked teeth...the youngest was quiet, and went through puberty very young...at age 9 got her period. Awful. I would just die inside when I chaperoned school events and saw my younger daughters just standing in the background and not being involved with the other girls. Fortunately my middle child found a friend who was very shy and they became best friends. My youngest just never quite fit in. And unfortunately, when she graduated from HS became addicted to drugs. It is a long story, but it was as if I could see the horror unfolding right before me...she was a cheerleader, very pretty, but had a learning disability. For that reason, she never fit in with her peers. She couldn't keep up with them and she was an outcast. It was painful to watch. In the end, all turned out well. Middle daughter got contacts, braces and was the ugly duckling who became the beautiful swan...and was top 5 in Miss PA. Youngest is drug free now for over 2 years, married and has the beautiful baby Cameron below...she is the smiling young lady in the picture. Being a mom is one of the hardest jobs I ever had.

 

[HugsForEeyore]

Just reading all of this breaks my heart and brings back such terrible memories of my two younger daughters. The oldest was very self confident and she was a leader...the middle girl was very shy, quiet, very thin, farsighted and so she wore glasses that made her eyes look huge, and she had very crooked teeth...the youngest was quiet, and went through puberty very young...at age 9 got her period. Awful. I would just die inside when I chaperoned school events and saw my younger daughters just standing in the background and not being involved with the other girls. Fortunately my middle child found a friend who was very shy and they became best friends. My youngest just never quite fit in. And unfortunately, when she graduated from HS became addicted to drugs. It is a long story, but it was as if I could see the horror unfolding right before me...she was a cheerleader, very pretty, but had a learning disability. For that reason, she never fit in with her peers. She couldn't keep up with them and she was an outcast. It was painful to watch. In the end, all turned out well. Middle daughter got contacts, braces and was the ugly duckling who became the beautiful swan...and was top 5 in Miss PA. Youngest is drug free now for over 2 years, married and has the beautiful baby Cameron below...she is the smiling young lady in the picture. Being a mom is one of the hardest jobs I ever had.

Thank you for sharing - Wonderful to hear all turned out well.

It also makes me sad to read posts like this topic. I remember around 4th grade was when the queen bees really took over, and everyone started to really know who was popular and who was going nowhere. I was most decidedly going nowhere. I was the shortest kid, with ugly hand-me-down clothes and mousy hair and a mouthful of hideous crooked teeth (parents refused me braces but that's another story). Kids pick up on who is different; and who is lacking in social status, and it just snowballs from there. Honestly, nothing changed until I left for college. Kids can be very cruel, and once you're "out", sometimes there is no way back in.

I do admit that even today I know I have issues from being the kid "left out" for so many years. The effects on self-esteem can be devastating.

Though happy to report, in college and beyond, I had plenty of friends (and braces did wonders for my appearance!). Really needed to be around different types of people and away from the very elitist cliquish town and school I grew up in. I always joke that I never want to be young again (and go through that kind of social rejection ever again) - I prefer being an old 40ish adult anyday!!

OP - hope for the best, and things turn around for your DD.

 

[Louisianafive]

My oldest DD14 is content being alone. She could care less what people think - to the point of having to be constantly reminded about good personal hygiene!
My middle DD9 wants to look "just right". She matches her clothes into "outfits" and already spends alot of time on hair and accessories!
My youngest DD7 can play by herself but has plenty of friends. She's the one that can make a friend with any kid at the park. She is still needing my constant approval.

They are all so different yet wonderful!! Sometimes I have to step back and remember that they are people too and have their own opinions and likes and dislikes- no matter how I feel or what I think!

 

[dougsmom98]

I feel so bad for your daughter because I have a DS, 9, that has the same issue. For him it is partly social anxiety and partly he doesn't like to do what other kids do. My DH and I have really had to get involved with the activities he does (coach sports, cub scout leaders, Sunday school teachers...) so that we can help him with social cues. If the other kids are off playing a game of tag and he lags behind, we suggest that he goes and joins in. When we are at the lake for swimming lessons, I suggest that he joins in the game that is starting on the beach. I have been watching kids for a while now trying to figure out how I can help him, and I see that the other kids have never shunned my DS or any of the other kids that are around. Surprisingly kids are pretty accepting of other kids, but kids don't look for loners and invite them to play either because they are so excited about playing themselves.

 

[Minnie M6]

I worry about this with DS 9. He does have 1 best friend (who is a girl) and 2 or 3 other kids he gets along with and plays with occasionally. But when he is in a group he seems to have a hard time reading other kids' reactions to him and will do things that others find annoying. And definitely when there are 3 he is almost always the odd one out. I have even seen his best friend leave him out when another child is around. He is very persistent and sort of a "Type A" personality, but he can be flexible and often ends up giving others their way so that they will play with him- I guess there is some vulnerability there. We were at a pool last weekend and he and a group of boys were playing with water guns- at some point they all ended up on the other team (in other words, against him). One of them was actually name calling and I ended up telling DS to come play with us in the pool. I don't get why he would want to play with someone who is not being nice I try to talk to him about this because one of his "friends" was saying and doing really mean spirited things to him during the school year and he seemed to be not only taking it but making excuses for it (T was having a bad day), which really concerned and confused me. I told him that I wasn't going to tell him who he can and can't be friends with but a child who is nasty to him is unwelcome in my home- this was a frequent thing, not just an occasional occurrence.

It is SO hard watching anything hurtful happen to your kids. I tend to worry about this too much and focus on it. DH isn't that concerned- he was at Scout Camp with DS for an entire week (he was helping) and said he got along fine with all the kids. Although his idea of fine and mine are way different I just remember how important my friends were to me in elementary school- some are still close friends.

We don't have kids nearby on our street that he an DD 7 can play with, so we have friends over and the 2 of them play together quite a bit. DD is an easygoing child who makes friends everywhere she goes. She is always receiving invitations to sleepovers, etc. and I know it has to bother DS. She just has an easier time reading social cues. I am reading a book called The Unwritten Rules of Friendship to see if it has any helpful advice- it is geared toward kids who are experiencing any forms of social problems but is written for the parents. Although DS is stubborn and not likely to take advise from me anyway

 

[eh24fan]

My DS8 is sort of like this. He is just not an outgoing kid. He is happy to just hang out with us, meaning the adults, most of the time. He has friends in school, but never asks to have anyone over or anything. I have to encourage him to join in when other kids are playing. When he already knows the kids he's fine, it's when he doesn't that he hangs back.

I'm particularly concerned about it this year because he is going to a new school and won't have the comfort of being with the kids he has been friends with since pre-k.

 

[NotUrsula]

I worry about this with DS 9. He does have 1 best friend (who is a girl) and 2 or 3 other kids he gets along with and plays with occasionally. But when he is in a group he seems to have a hard time reading other kids' reactions to him and will do things that others find annoying. And definitely when there are 3 he is almost always the odd one out. I have even seen his best friend leave him out when another child is around. He is very persistent and sort of a "Type A" personality, but he can be flexible and often ends up giving others their way so that they will play with him- I guess there is some vulnerability there. We were at a pool last weekend and he and a group of boys were playing with water guns- at some point they all ended up on the other team (in other words, against him). One of them was actually name calling and I ended up telling DS to come play with us in the pool. I don't get why he would want to play with someone who is not being nice I try to talk to him about this because one of his "friends" was saying and doing really mean spirited things to him during the school year and he seemed to be not only taking it but making excuses for it (T was having a bad day), which really concerned and confused me. I told him that I wasn't going to tell him who he can and can't be friends with but a child who is nasty to him is unwelcome in my home- this was a frequent thing, not just an occasional occurrence.

Have you had him evaluated for Asperger's? I don't want to be an armchair psychologist, but you're describing my Aspie son to a T. The most dominant characteristic of Aspergers is the failure to understand social cues -- they quite simply do not get it, and never really will in the true sense. However, with careful training they can learn to fake it fairly well. Most Aspies desperately want to have friends, but just can't get the hang of easy social interaction. They are often physically awkward, too, so they seldom enjoy playing team sports. The alienation tends to get worse as they approach adolescence when kids shift more from just playing to having conversations. DS is quite likely to try to bribe kids to be his friend; I've caught him offering other kids money if they will play with him.

I know all this from experience -- I'm an Aspie, too. I can make "friends" easily on discussion boards, but IRL people find that I creep them out a bit because I do not get "body language" or social cues at all. I was ALWAYS the goat when I was growing up. It wasn't until college that I was able to really make friends, once I got away from my small town where everyone knew my geek reputation and where being seen to be my friend was pretty much social suicide.

 

[TinaLala]

See the problem that I face is that DD9 isn't shy or quiet and isn't afraid to ask other girls if she can join in their game. The problem I'm seeing is that the other girls are saying "NO" or "We don't want to play with you." DD isn't sad about it right now and I'm trying to stay positive about it, but honestly I think (from experience too) that girls are mean. My DD9 is the girl in pre-school who would go up to the new girl in class and ask to be friends with. She's actually still friends with that girl today - 5 years later. I now know that her teacher last year was a screamer - telling the kids that they were troublemakers and wild all of the time, so this year we're hoping for a new year, a new teacher (she's even gotten a new hair cut), to hopefully change all her ba ways from last year and have a great new year.

I just don't understand why everyone can't be friends. I just want her to have a few best girlfriends that she has a special bond with. I never had it and maybe that's the problem I'm not showing her a very good example.

 

[mjkacmom]

I'd talk to her teacher after school starts. When dd was little, she had personal space issues, and wasn't great at reading social cues. We worked on it, and fortunately, now she fits in, and has a bunch of friends. Have you asked your dd? With girls, there isn't a time where everyone can just get along, unfortunately.

 

[Louisianafive]

My DD9 came home from school last year and asked me why her "friend" was nice to her when DD9 was with a certain girl but when this "friend" was with different group of girls she wouldnt speak to DD9.

So, here it starts........ I had to talk to her about TRUE friends at the age of 8!

When my DD7 was in 2 yr old preschool she would tell me that her "friend" would tell her that she wasnt going to be her friend if she didnt play with her.

WOW! Starting so young.

Needless to say girls are not always going to get along!

Maybe someone should make a "Mean Girls in Preschool" movie!

I know it is not funny, but have you seen "Mean Girls"?

 

[An_Island_Girl]

If you can try to set a good examlpe yourself, your daughter will at least have a wonderful role model to look up to in the friend department.

I can still remember my mother inviting over her girlfriends for cocktails, chit-chatting on the phone, shopping excursions, etc. Our house was always the "drop in anytime" house, and many people would show up after work just to hang out. Fast-forward to now, and that is the way I am with my friends. We have a wonderful circle of friends and our children all get to see each other a few times a week (not always all together, but a few families at a time).

Maybe you could invite a few of the other girls families over for dinner or a card game, so that your children could play together and could see you interacting as well. Maybe set up some team building activites, such as putting on a play (have them practice together for a few weeks so that they all have to cooperate), a group hike, etc.

If you open up your house as a fun and inviting safe place to play, then you will usually be amazed at how many children will ask to come over and hang out with your daughter. Remember it is the shared memories of the activity that are important, not necessarily the activiy itself.

Best of luck, your daughter sounds like a true delight!