Decorated_Dust
Live from the Magical World within my brain...
- Joined
- Oct 25, 2007
- Messages
- 804
I have been having a rough few weeks, and I have found one of my lone outlets to be writing and posting to my blog. Today, I wrote something that I thought would be appropriate to post in lieu of the Give Kids the World charity drive. I think this is the reason so many kids wish to go to Disney World when they are sick. I also believe this is the reason so many people love this place so much.
Hopefully, it encourages more people to give. Since I can't right now due to financial strain, I thought this would be a small contribution. Enjoy!
I hate being autistic sometimes. There are days like today when I sit in the corner and feel like screaming at the top of my lungs because there is no way out of these shackles I carry with me everywhere I go. The rough iron cuff fastened around my ankle is something I must carry with me daily. It is the reminder that I must watch everything I say and do when I am in front of people. It is the shadow of multiple statistics that say the chances of me keeping a job or having a lasting marriage are very slim. It is the constant burden of the fact that I will never be like the constant flow of people I see smiling and enjoying their multiple friends.
There used to be a cuff on my other ankle. This was a far more universal burden that was unlocked when I found Christ. However, I was told a long time ago that my smaller but more conspicuous ball and chain would have to stay with me. This is weighed down by the constant darts the world throws that tells me the intellectualism and Christianity are a contradiction. Dodging these obsticles while trudging through the muddy field that is the social realm and traveling down the endless journey of faith is at times too much to bear. I just want this burden gone. I keep thinking that if this cuff had not been attached to me in my younger years, I would be traveling down this road much easier. These worries are something I have accepted to be life-long, so they have become easier to deal with. However, there are times when I need to escape to a place where I can temporarily unlatch the symbol of my slavery and roam free.
Living with Asperger's has been a challenge from the moment I was labeled with a diagnosis. If anything, knowing the name of the enemy that lives within you is the worst part of the process. I now know what I have to look forward to in life, and the picture is often painted with many dark colors. I have been working constantly to alter the bad habits and ingrained attitudes so that I can function normally and live among the non-autistic population. There are also several parts of my disorder that are not terribly glorifying to God, and those are my priority. I have had many people in my family and circle of friends to help me, but I know they will never truely understand what I go through every day.
As I grow older, the journey gets harder. All the time, I have to gaze at a president who was elected and admired solely for his speaking ability and appeal to the masses. This is a constant reminder that the everyday people will never see me as a smart person. I have never been a good speaker, and it is only compounded thanks to the Asperger's. Since I know I will probably never speak well, I can just kiss good jobs goodbye. The world doesn't accept people like me. We're the weirdos. We're the freaks. We're the ones who are subject to ridicule and called names because we talk or act differently than others. Does this get to me? No. I'm used to it by now. However, my failure to go along with the masses and dischantment with everything worldly has made me a pariah to many. I don't like it, but my views have never been based on what people want me to believe. I go with what is right and with what I know to be true. This isn't all that popular nowadays, but I think this is a product of autism. I am not as apt to believe things just because the most vocal say it's right.
For a while, I thought there was no way to live without this, that I would just have to accept that God had destined me to be a shut-in for the rest of my life. This is what the frustration of constant burden gives. I then discovered that the relief I had been looking for had been right under my nose all along.
A long time ago, I found a castle. This castle, I have found, is the lone earthly place that holds the key to the ball and chain I drag constantly. Simply gazing upon the castle allows the metal monstrosity behind me to dissolve, and allows my mind to find rest. I can stop thinking about what other people think, or about statistics, or my worries about my future. Here, I can be free.
This castle towers over a kingdom where the people do not care how crazy or socially inept you act, because they are often doing the same things you are. You look around and do not see judging eyes, but enamored people who seem to be looking to the same thing you are. I imagine metal pieces simular to mine laying at the base of the massive gates which usher the world inside. Here, most people are free to simply be, and not be weighed by the world's obligations or problems. My family and friends never kick me in the shins or angrily whisper in my ear when I am in this kingdom. My normal behavior is now an appropriate reaction rather than an annoyance or embarrasment. For at least a day or two, I feel somewhat normal.
This place, if you have not figured it out already, is Walt Disney World. Specifically the Magic Kingdom. I did not realize until I was older why I loved this unusual land so much. It was a place of freedom. It will probably be the closest to heaven I will get to on earth. Now, I know heaven will not be hot, crowded, stressful, and greedy. However, I feel that once I reach God's kingdom, I will not be seen as an anomaly or someone who is out of place. I will be just another admirer of the King of the castle. Everyone goes to Disney for an escape, and for a taste of what it is like to be just like everybody else.
Disney World is the one place where I am seen to be a little more than average because of what I am. I talk to cast members without any pressure, and I am treated normally. I walk into places which are laid out well and created with care, and I feel special. I am never pressured to go on rides that will overwhelm my senses, because they don't exist. I'm not forced to follow the crowd and become like all of the other people who like being scared to death by a death-defying ride. Disney World is the only earthly place that gives me a sense of peace with myself. That is something special.
After reading Walt Disney's biography, I realize we have a lot in common. We were both introverts and perfectionists. We both had insecurities and a tenuous relationship with reality. We both have detail-oriented minds and very secret genious that must be awakened by the right outlet. We both are uncomfortable around people. The biggest simularity was that we both had lofty dreams about what the world should be like. The difference is that I do not dwell too much on this ideal world because I know this cannot be accomplished in the hands of man. Walt, however, did not share this. I'm eternally grateful he didn't. Now, people like me can get as close as humanly possible to a form of how life should be.
I will continue to walk down the road of a disciple of Christ with the large shackle attached to my leg and an unstable ground under my feet. However, I live with anticipation that there will always be a place this burden will not exist, I have been provided brief respite until time when my pain will be no more. I look forward to this whenever I recieve word our a foray there. I cannot wait to go there again, but for now, I look foreward into an uncertain future with a smile on my face.
Hopefully, it encourages more people to give. Since I can't right now due to financial strain, I thought this would be a small contribution. Enjoy!
I hate being autistic sometimes. There are days like today when I sit in the corner and feel like screaming at the top of my lungs because there is no way out of these shackles I carry with me everywhere I go. The rough iron cuff fastened around my ankle is something I must carry with me daily. It is the reminder that I must watch everything I say and do when I am in front of people. It is the shadow of multiple statistics that say the chances of me keeping a job or having a lasting marriage are very slim. It is the constant burden of the fact that I will never be like the constant flow of people I see smiling and enjoying their multiple friends.
There used to be a cuff on my other ankle. This was a far more universal burden that was unlocked when I found Christ. However, I was told a long time ago that my smaller but more conspicuous ball and chain would have to stay with me. This is weighed down by the constant darts the world throws that tells me the intellectualism and Christianity are a contradiction. Dodging these obsticles while trudging through the muddy field that is the social realm and traveling down the endless journey of faith is at times too much to bear. I just want this burden gone. I keep thinking that if this cuff had not been attached to me in my younger years, I would be traveling down this road much easier. These worries are something I have accepted to be life-long, so they have become easier to deal with. However, there are times when I need to escape to a place where I can temporarily unlatch the symbol of my slavery and roam free.
Living with Asperger's has been a challenge from the moment I was labeled with a diagnosis. If anything, knowing the name of the enemy that lives within you is the worst part of the process. I now know what I have to look forward to in life, and the picture is often painted with many dark colors. I have been working constantly to alter the bad habits and ingrained attitudes so that I can function normally and live among the non-autistic population. There are also several parts of my disorder that are not terribly glorifying to God, and those are my priority. I have had many people in my family and circle of friends to help me, but I know they will never truely understand what I go through every day.
As I grow older, the journey gets harder. All the time, I have to gaze at a president who was elected and admired solely for his speaking ability and appeal to the masses. This is a constant reminder that the everyday people will never see me as a smart person. I have never been a good speaker, and it is only compounded thanks to the Asperger's. Since I know I will probably never speak well, I can just kiss good jobs goodbye. The world doesn't accept people like me. We're the weirdos. We're the freaks. We're the ones who are subject to ridicule and called names because we talk or act differently than others. Does this get to me? No. I'm used to it by now. However, my failure to go along with the masses and dischantment with everything worldly has made me a pariah to many. I don't like it, but my views have never been based on what people want me to believe. I go with what is right and with what I know to be true. This isn't all that popular nowadays, but I think this is a product of autism. I am not as apt to believe things just because the most vocal say it's right.
For a while, I thought there was no way to live without this, that I would just have to accept that God had destined me to be a shut-in for the rest of my life. This is what the frustration of constant burden gives. I then discovered that the relief I had been looking for had been right under my nose all along.
A long time ago, I found a castle. This castle, I have found, is the lone earthly place that holds the key to the ball and chain I drag constantly. Simply gazing upon the castle allows the metal monstrosity behind me to dissolve, and allows my mind to find rest. I can stop thinking about what other people think, or about statistics, or my worries about my future. Here, I can be free.
This castle towers over a kingdom where the people do not care how crazy or socially inept you act, because they are often doing the same things you are. You look around and do not see judging eyes, but enamored people who seem to be looking to the same thing you are. I imagine metal pieces simular to mine laying at the base of the massive gates which usher the world inside. Here, most people are free to simply be, and not be weighed by the world's obligations or problems. My family and friends never kick me in the shins or angrily whisper in my ear when I am in this kingdom. My normal behavior is now an appropriate reaction rather than an annoyance or embarrasment. For at least a day or two, I feel somewhat normal.
This place, if you have not figured it out already, is Walt Disney World. Specifically the Magic Kingdom. I did not realize until I was older why I loved this unusual land so much. It was a place of freedom. It will probably be the closest to heaven I will get to on earth. Now, I know heaven will not be hot, crowded, stressful, and greedy. However, I feel that once I reach God's kingdom, I will not be seen as an anomaly or someone who is out of place. I will be just another admirer of the King of the castle. Everyone goes to Disney for an escape, and for a taste of what it is like to be just like everybody else.
Disney World is the one place where I am seen to be a little more than average because of what I am. I talk to cast members without any pressure, and I am treated normally. I walk into places which are laid out well and created with care, and I feel special. I am never pressured to go on rides that will overwhelm my senses, because they don't exist. I'm not forced to follow the crowd and become like all of the other people who like being scared to death by a death-defying ride. Disney World is the only earthly place that gives me a sense of peace with myself. That is something special.
After reading Walt Disney's biography, I realize we have a lot in common. We were both introverts and perfectionists. We both had insecurities and a tenuous relationship with reality. We both have detail-oriented minds and very secret genious that must be awakened by the right outlet. We both are uncomfortable around people. The biggest simularity was that we both had lofty dreams about what the world should be like. The difference is that I do not dwell too much on this ideal world because I know this cannot be accomplished in the hands of man. Walt, however, did not share this. I'm eternally grateful he didn't. Now, people like me can get as close as humanly possible to a form of how life should be.
I will continue to walk down the road of a disciple of Christ with the large shackle attached to my leg and an unstable ground under my feet. However, I live with anticipation that there will always be a place this burden will not exist, I have been provided brief respite until time when my pain will be no more. I look forward to this whenever I recieve word our a foray there. I cannot wait to go there again, but for now, I look foreward into an uncertain future with a smile on my face.
