Why is it considered "babysitting"?

[pansmermaidzlagoon]

I think it depends on how much they were involved in the decision to have the baby in the first place. I know some women that wanted kids so they purposely had oopsies. The Dad's have very little involvement. It's sad, really.

I can't believe how much I have heard of that happening...I agree it is very sad!!!

 

[Chattyaholic]

Wow. I'm surprised you are still married!

I think most men today take a lot more interest in their kids. To be kind of an uninvolved dad was standard years ago, but not anymore.....

Well, we took our vows seriously back in '75 and we worked through any problems we encountered, and still do. Divorce is just too easy nowdays.

And when we had our DS in '76 they were just beginning to allow fathers in the delivery room. In fact my doctor only allowed my DH in with me because he is a farmer and raised hogs at the time so was "used to" blood and gore with the sows having their litters!! Truly!!

 

[laurajetter]

I have never heard of that before, but I'm glad I found out here so I will be ready with a comeback if someone ever makes a comment about my husband "babysitting" to me. That is ridiculous; I am a WAHM and do a lot of the caring for our 15 month old, but DH pulls his weight too and if I need to go somewhere it is just understood that he needs to watch our son, and he doesn't act like he's doing me a favor.

 

[U2_rocks!]

DH doesn't consider himself to be "babysitting" the kids - he's a very involved father (when he's home!).

However, he does still get a mindset where I'm the primary caregiver e.g. he will often assume that he is free to do things without checking with me - he just figures I'll be with the kids. Or, when I joined yoga and dance classes, it seemed like a huge hassle to arrange for him to be home from work on time, and when he was away I needed to organize childcare. I just don't feel as "free" as he seems to be, and I find that frustrating. He has a demanding job and a demanding hobby, and that adds up to a lot of time that he's not with us. If I were to plan activities for myself that took up as much time as his hobby (fishing) does, we'd never see each other - we'd spend our lives handing off the kids between each other. It doesn't seem fair sometimes, but it's not worth ending a marriage over - I still love him, even though I do find this one thing difficult. I suppose no spouse is perfect!

 

[barkley]

this is the same mindset that proposes that moms should be so 'thankful' about and commend their dh's for doing basic child care (changing diapers, bottle feeding, bathing...). in our home when we decided to have children it was a joint decision, and we knew that we were both responsible for all aspects of child care, no one parent over the other deserved accolades for caring for this blessing.

dh and i encountered the 'dads babysitting' mindset with both our kids big time when each were born-we opted with both to have dh save up all the leave time he could in advance of the births. when both dd and ds were born, dh took an entire month off work-not the first month following the birth, the month i was schedualed to return to work (baby was around 3 months old)-that last month he was the sahp all by himself. we saw it as a means to keep the babies out of daycare for an extra month plus it offered him some private bonding time (something i don't think allot of new dads get with their babies). we were constantly getting comments about dh 'babysitting'-his/my response was 'he's not babysitting-he's parenting'. i should add-both of our children (now 12 and 9) are equaly close to both of us, are just as quick to go to dad for anything-and we see those individual months he spent with each as tremendously valuable in establishing his comfort level in 'being alone with the baby' (as a new mom i was nervous, i can't imagine what it's like for a new dad whose never spent any time alone with his child).

 

[TDC Nala]

I don't have kids, or a husband for that matter.

But it is assumed by many in society that the mother is the caretaker, and any time the father spends alone with his kids is "extra time" away from his "assigned" responsibilities. That is because it is the way it was done in most families for many years, and it is still the way it's being done in many families.

There are a lot of assumptions out there. I think it's also assumed that the mother wouldn't WANT anyone else (even the father) assuming sole care for her children.

 

[Dina]

This is funny, my youngest brother in law was on the phone with his friend on Thanksgiving-- his friend couldn't hit the bars with him that night because he had to "babysit" his kid while his girlfriend went out. For some reason this guy was talking really loud and we could all hear everything he said on the cell phone. When we heard him say he had to babysit his kid---at the same time, my husband and his other brother (both of whom have children) yelled-- "It's not babysitting when it's your kid!!!" We all started laughing because of the way they yelled it at the same time. It has always bothered my husband when guys say they have to babysit their kids.

 

[ElizaB39]

This comment makes me ! When our DD13 (today I officially have a teenager!) was a baby DH was ordering something over the phone and holding the baby at the same time. I was in the kitchen doing something and when the woman taking his order asked about the baby crying they had a discussion about his baby girl and etc. She ended up with, "oh are you babysitting today?", he said, "no, I am parenting." I have NEVER heard my DH call taking care of his own children as babysitting, but my parents have said it and so have many in our parent's generation. I also have never heard any of my friends personally say this, if they did, I would have a hissy fit!

This just makes me !

 

[cybrkitn]

Drives me nuts too. I may have said it myself when DS was a baby, but then caught it. It's not "babysitting" when one parent is not home and the other is. It's called "parenting", plain and simple

 

[leighe]

It is a huge pet peeve of mine.

But, you know, I have noticed that DH just assumes I'll be with DD when he makes plans and doesn't really check with me first and I always check with him before I make plans. So maybe I have set it up that I'm primarily responsible for DD although DH is a fabuolus father.

 

[cybrkitn]

Well, we took our vows seriously back in '75 and we worked through any problems we encountered, and still do. Divorce is just too easy nowdays.

And when we had our DS in '76 they were just beginning to allow fathers in the delivery room. In fact my doctor only allowed my DH in with me because he is a farmer and raised hogs at the time so was "used to" blood and gore with the sows having their litters!! Truly!!

My DH and my mother were there when I was delivering our son. My mom didn't see the after effects but my DH did and it didn't bother him at all (would have bothered me though if I could have seen it).

DH works at a state university hospital as a network/system administrator on the college side of it. Both him and a co-worker were in one of the ER rooms doing some cable work for them when emergencies were coming in. So, he's kind of used to it.

 

[leighe]

DH doesn't consider himself to be "babysitting" the kids - he's a very involved father (when he's home!).

However, he does still get a mindset where I'm the primary caregiver e.g. he will often assume that he is free to do things without checking with me - he just figures I'll be with the kids. Or, when I joined yoga and dance classes, it seemed like a huge hassle to arrange for him to be home from work on time, and when he was away I needed to organize childcare. I just don't feel as "free" as he seems to be, and I find that frustrating. He has a demanding job and a demanding hobby, and that adds up to a lot of time that he's not with us. If I were to plan activities for myself that took up as much time as his hobby (fishing) does, we'd never see each other - we'd spend our lives handing off the kids between each other. It doesn't seem fair sometimes, but it's not worth ending a marriage over - I still love him, even though I do find this one thing difficult. I suppose no spouse is perfect!

Exactly! I should have read all the way through before I posted.

 

[shirleyb]

Haven't read the whole thread, but it seems to be a guy thing. There are lots of guys I work with - who are young, under 30, and they still say, "Gotta babysit the kids tonight." I always call them on it -- It's not babysitting if it's your kid.

I've never heard a woman say that she's babysitting her own kid.

 

[cybrkitn]

Also, I wonder do wives SET their husbands up to feel that way from the first?
Or, is it just the "norm" to think that way?

For some, maybe. For me, it was very hard to get my DH involved with our son when he was an infant. Although, I have to admit, he did go to the hospital to give our son his bottle when he was still in NICU during my first few days at home (DS wasn't a premie). And we did alternate feeding DS through-out the night. But that was it.

As DS was getting older, DH would just play with him a little bit then lose interest. I wound up taking care of him by giving him a bath, feeding him, changing diapers, and transporting him to and from daycare and the doctor's office. I tried to get DH involved by reminding him that it took two of us to make a baby and as a father, he needed to be more involved.

It finally clicked with him when DS was 18 months old. Our church had classes based on Dr. Dobson's book "Bringing up Boys". DH made the decision to go and it changed his whole outlook on being a father. He finally became an active father and started to help out. We alternated on drop off and pick up days for daycare and finally "bonded" with our DS.

DH told me the reason why he wasn't an active father was b/c that's what his father had done. Raising children was the mother's job to do. One thing you need to realize is that DH is the oldest out of three. His oldest brother is 20 years older than him. Also, his father was not born in the US and is "old country". His mother was born here, but at age 2 moved to Spain then moved back when she was either in her late teens or early 20's.

 

[kfeuer]

The "babysitting" comments bug me, too.

My DH (who's a very involved, hands-on dad) has told me that he gets all kinds of attention and comments when he takes the boys out without me...things like "what a great dad", etc. I don't recall ever being commended for being a great mom just for having my boys out in public by myself!

I think it's great that more and more dads are becoming more involved with their kids from the start. Hopefully that trend continues and gets even better in the next generation.

 

[Missy1961]

I don't have kids, but that would drive me nuts! I don't even call it babysitting when I watch the nieces & nephews--I'll say I'm hanging out with them or having dinner with them or whatever.

 

[It's A Happy Day]

When we had our son 5 years ago, we decided that I would quit my full time job and only work my 2nd job at the time - part time...30 hours per week. These hours were opposite my DH's shift - he works M-F no weekends/no holidays. I am in retail sales so I work 3 nights 5-10 & every Sat & Sun 9-5. We opted to do this so that we would not have a "babysitter" raising our children and the time with DH is considered "daddy time" and has never been implied that he is in any way doing me a favor for "taking care of the kids." He may tell people he is "watching the kids tonight" but never babysitting...this to me implies that I will be paying him at the end of his shift

What really boils my blood more is when I hear people refer to cleaning, cooking, laundry as "womans work" or "the wifes job", etc. So if a man picks up a sock or loads the dishwasher he is feminine or gay

 

[Becky2005]

Wow. I'm surprised you are still married!

I think most men today take a lot more interest in their kids. To be kind of an uninvolved dad was standard years ago, but not anymore.....

Oh, I don't know about that. My DH does NOT change diapers & will only do it if it were a life & death emergency now. He did change our DD a lot more because he had a retail job and was home on certain days & I worked Mon-Fri, the other days she was at my moms. However, I would come home at lunchtime and basically change her then. He would hope he could hold off until then.

In his defense, he literally throws up when changing diapers, even wet ones.

It was always a pleasant sight to come home to towels filled with puke from him changing a diaper. EWWW!!! Between the 2, I'll take diaper duty. It's just the way it is. Once I quit work to stay home, the diaper changing just isn't going to happen.

He doesn't do infants/toddlers basically at all. Now, give him the older 3 kids and he's fine. As long as the child can talk, go to the bathroom on their own & basically eat without assistance we are good to go.

Our agreement though before having kids was that I would do 90% of the work for the kiddos. I think he probably does more than 10% now that they are older. With 4 of them, we have to do the divide and conquer thing a lot, where I'm taking 1 to this thing so the other 3 are home or I will take 2 & he will watch 2, etc... I don't usually leave the little guy home alone with DH for any length of time due to the diaper issue.

 

[Chloe'sMom]

My neighbor said that once about his daughter - that he was "tired of babysitting." Before his wife could say a word I fired back, "it's called RAISING your child!" His wife gave me a bit

~Amanda

 

[princesspumpkin]

That term annoys me as well. But I do agree with another poster in that women sort of contribute to that mentality. I have heard too many mothers talk about how their DH "helps them" with the kids. So in essence, the moms feel that the kids are her responsibility and anything that daddy does, is "help" - like babysitting.

As a maternity nurse, I try very hard to make sure that the dads know how to take care of their newborn, just as much as mom does. This type of thinking starts right in the hospital - the moms look at me like I'm crazy when I tell daddy to change the diaper after she has finished nursing. Hey, the way that I look at it, the two of you were both equally involved nine months ago