Why I Regret Being a Stay-at-Home Mom

[Granny square]

What's wrong with wishing for more? Like I wish I could stay home AND still live the lifestyle I live?

Well I agree there. I can't imagine not seeing the benefits of both. .

Sorry for stepping in. I get being tired of people complaining. But I probably do the same depending on the topic.

 

[Acklander]

I think the thing in this whole discussion that bothers me the most is that no working mothers are willing to admit they are missing out/ sacrificing anything. I think as a SAHM the sacrifices are obvious- finances, adult interaction, career advancement etc. But I never hear working moms admitting that they don't have it all either. No matter which way you slice it working or staying at home sacrifices are being made somewhere



I

Of course working mothers acknowledge this. What do you think they're saying when they tell the SAHMs that they wish they could afford to stay home as well? I know there are times when I have to make decisions on priorities and something gets left out. Every choice will have its benefits and it's challenges - you weigh the 2 sides and come up with what works best for your family.

 

[mrsklamc]

I tend to think you second reason is exactly right. He was just being nice.

Oh I didn't mean he was being nice at all, I meant he was being fake to try and get votes.

 

[jrmasm]

Oh I didn't mean he was being nice at all, I meant he was being fake to try and get votes.

I meant nice as in sociable. I would suspect that he doesn't understand the choices that that poster and her husband have made but he couldn't really say that, could he?

 

[Conservative Hippie]

But so what? Why are you offended by the choices other people make?

I am not offended by people's choices. I am not offended at the choice that some families make to have both parents work. I AM offended at the insinuation that having a SAH parent is some kind of luxury accessible only to the 1%. People get by on far less because having a SAH parent is important to them, and they don't feel "luxurious" while driving 15 year old cars and clipping coupons. So don't say you can't afford the luxury when the truth is you CHOOSE not to.

Not that poster, but it seemed she was complaining about people complaining. Don't say you can't afford something when it is more a case of priorities.

But I could be wrong.

You are not wrong.

What's wrong with wishing for more? Like I wish I could stay home AND still live the lifestyle I live?

Doesn't everyone? That's why people play the lottery.

I don't think wishing for more and claiming you can't afford something when really you just choose not to prioritize that way are the same thing.

I think her point was just that the guy was kind of 'whining' that he couldn't afford for his wife to stay home on a 400k salary. He can afford it, he just chooses not to...or more likely, with a politician, he doesn't even want it, he's just trying to be relate-able.

Exactly.

Oh I didn't mean he was being nice at all, I meant he was being fake to try and get votes.

 

[sweetdana]

I work hard to play hard. ... 20/ 39/ 40 / 0 and 38 days in dw last 5 yrs no way possible without working.

I appreciate every minute with my kids. From vacation times to dinner times. .. There are less of them. The nanny has formula made for the night. ..and dinner made when I get home So I get to eat with them, hug my girls, and play in the sand box. My house is cleaned by her, and she takes then to the library and gets my grocery shopping. All while I build a 401k and a coll fund, and pay for vk and save for a rainy day. I also have a camper on a lake we go to nearly every weekend in summer.,. Cause I work.

Yup life is busy and I believe generally tougher. Some days I feel like quitting... Have told DH I will too. But with my DH salary, me being a sahm we cannot have 4 Disney trips a yr and we could not enjoy the lake 10+ weekends s month.

I have security if either of us lose our jobs... we make enough to survive without a huge life style change. If I quit then he lost his job, we would struggle. If we both stay employed we will retire by 50-55 together with no worries. Could we do it as a sahm yup... But it is easier to work.

Do I miss some time with kids yup ! Would I change it... I guess not I could quit tomorrow, but chances are I won't.

No for sahm. I think it is fantastic when it works out., It is not for me I need the security 2 peeps working gives is. And I truly enjoy the luxuries that go with it.

 

[agavegirl1]

OMG! This is still a topic in 2013 that will yeild 7 pages of posts? I have been both a SAHM and Working Mom. I have daughters who have chosen two different paths. I think every family is unique in it's needs and values. What works for a couple of years may not work a few years later. With two parents it's easier to adapt. With one (me at one point) it is a matter of adaptation and flexibility.

Please women. Don't judge each other for the choices we make either voluntarily or involuntarily. The proof is in the pudding. In other words, how are the kids? How are your family finances moving toward retirement? How is your quality of life according to your own barometer?

 

[Ember]

I've decided NOT to become a mom and that comes with a different kind of judgment! I don't think anybody can win!

Oh, I feel you!! The mommy wars have nothing on the judgement heaped on those of us who willing opt out of parenthood. This seems to be an okay, if slightly suspect, choice for a man. But if you're a woman and don't want kids...

 

[PollyannaMom]

(Disclaimer - I have only read first and last page. I worked full time before DS was born, stayed home for a few years, and now work part time in a different career.)

The one thing in the author's list that bothers me the most is that she feels guilty for not taking advantage of a right other women in history fought for. I don't buy that. Just because some women wanted, and fought hard, to have the choice to work, does not mean all women must work. Those of us living today had no say in their decision, and we do not owe them a certain choice, when what they really fought for was for all choices.

I also suspect that had the author of the article not chosen to stay home, that exhausted lifestyle would have cost her something too, and she would have regretted that as well. No choice is perfect, and every choice has a cost. Each family must evaluate their own particular balance. There is no one answer, and the trick is to choose the problems you can live with.

 

[DeniseinNS]

I stay home with the kiddos during the days and then work a few evening a week when my husband gets home, it's perfect for us as I did not want my kids to ever have to go to daycare and we both get to spend lots of time with them.

 

[DawnM]

I stayed home, but did it a bit backwards from most women. I worked full time when they were little and they went to daycare/pre-school, but then I stayed home with my older two were 5 and 7, school age.

I have a son with some special needs and the one on one is THE BEST thing for him......I choose my kids over my career any day of the week.

I do miss working. I loved my job (most days! ) But if I have jeopardized my job because I did what is best for my children, so be it.

Dawn

 

[mickeyboat]

I stayed home, but did it a bit backwards from most women. I worked full time when they were little and they went to daycare/pre-school, but then I stayed home with my older two were 5 and 7, school age.

I have a son with some special needs and the one on one is THE BEST thing for him......I choose my kids over my career any day of the week.

I do miss working. I loved my job (most days! ) But if I have jeopardized my job because I did what is best for my children, so be it.

Dawn

This is what infuriates me as a working mom. Just because I work full time does not mean I choose my career over my children. I am not with them 24/7, but my children are still my top priority.

 

[pumba]

I was a stay at home mom...and I dont regret it either...When my grandkids came I took care of them when their parents were either working or more college classes...they loved the fact that the kids were not in a group (daycare) setting...
I would do it again in a heartbeat...

and yes we could of had MORE ...my kids had more...ME...

 

[indimom]

This is what infuriates me as a working mom. Just because I work full time does not mean I choose my career over my children. I am not with them 24/7, but my children are still my top priority.

And this is where the problems come in with these discussions. I think you completely mistook what that poster was trying to say.

Her son has needs that your children do not. A regular classroom or special classroom or whatever was not meeting his needs. So, this mother was willing to give up a career she enjoyed for the sake of her child. I would guess that if your child had a need, medical or otherwise, that you felt required you to give up your career, you would do so.

 

[Planogirl]

And this is where the problems come in with these discussions. I think you completely mistook what that poster was trying to say.

Her son has needs that your children do not. A regular classroom or special classroom or whatever was not meeting his needs. So, this mother was willing to give up a career she enjoyed for the sake of her child. I would guess that if your child had a need, medical or otherwise, that you felt required you to give up your career, you would do so.

Some women can't give up their jobs even if their kids have needs and this is also where a lot of judgment comes in. I can't begin to count the number of times I've seen the comment that people shouldn't have kids if someone can't stay home with them.

I was lucky because I stayed home with DS when he was little which is what I wanted. Doing this definitely derailed my career but then so did layoffs and moving to another part of the state. I would do it again.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

I think the thing in this whole discussion that bothers me the most is that no working mothers are willing to admit they are missing out/ sacrificing anything. I think as a SAHM the sacrifices are obvious- finances, adult interaction, career advancement etc. But I never hear working moms admitting that they don't have it all either. No matter which way you slice it working or staying at home sacrifices are being made somewhere

I suppose I'm chosing to sacrifice time that could otherwise be spent with my child, but in all honesty (and feel free to call me a bad mom), there's a limit to the amount of time I want to spend with my kid. I like that my child will get exposed to other adults and children while I have time without having to constantly worry about entertaining her. Perhaps its that my parents did work out of the home, but I tend to think it normal that parents have their time with adults, kids have their time with just kids, and sometimes they all have time together.

Also, I guess I'm missing out on that extra money that will be going to daycare costs, but then by not working I'd be missing out on significantly more money every month.

 

[cari12]

I am in Ontario too of the six jk's I research fort twins all had upwards of thirty kids. The numbers for the cap must be arrived at by dividing the children between the teacher and ECE person. My friends with kids in kindergarten say the rooms are chaotic.

I live in BC so not sure about JK, but definitely a 22 cap for K and 24 for grades 1-3 here.

 

[cari12]

Perhaps I shouldn't have used the term attachment parenting because I didn't mean it in the current, pop culture definition. I agree completely with the term housewife. I operate like that. I am not my kids' playmate. But you mention that if you needed your mom she was there. That 'presence' is what I am referring to. My mom stayed home too and my brother said always knowing she was able to help if needed at any time was so great and worth so much. If something goes awry, I can be there without having to juggle a thousand things. That is what creates attachment. I know I won't be able to change societal attitudes on some discussion board, but the reality is that children are not identifying with their parents the way they need to. Studies show that the best thing for a child under the age of six is time with a loving adult. More time with peers is not necessarily better. I will bow out now. We are not changing the world tonight.

I agree with this, in the early years kids need their parents first and foremost. DH and I have worked opposite shifts since we had our first child 10 years ago. Is it easy, no but it meant that one of us is the primary caregiver the entire day and night. We believe that early bond is so important. This is what was important to us in raising our kids. It does not mean any other way is wrong, it's what we believe was best for our family.

 

[allison443]

I stayed home, but did it a bit backwards from most women. I worked full time when they were little and they went to daycare/pre-school, but then I stayed home with my older two were 5 and 7, school age.

I have a son with some special needs and the one on one is THE BEST thing for him......I choose my kids over my career any day of the week.

I do miss working. I loved my job (most days! ) But if I have jeopardized my job because I did what is best for my children, so be it.

Dawn

Except you said you worked full time when they were little...so were you "choosing" your career over your children then? Maybe I don't understand your wording....I just don't think it is such a simple "choice" of either children or career... and working moms aren't necessarily choosing a career over their kids.

 

[quandrea]

Except you said you worked full time when they were little...so were you "choosing" your career over your children then? Maybe I don't understand your wording....

These arguments are pointless because each camp has tightly held beliefs. No amount of back and forth discussion is going to sway the other side. Live and let live.