Why I Regret Being a Stay-at-Home Mom

[Social Worker Sue]

I agree with this, in the early years kids need their parents first and foremost.

This is true. A young baby does not need to be exposed to other children. A young baby does not need social skills. They don't need to be in a daycare for 40 hours a week. They need a parent to bond with.

But sadly, some parents have to drop their 6 week old at daycare in order to pay the bills. Is it ideal? No. But it is necessary for some people.

 

[moon]

I haven't read any of the replies, but I think the saddest part of the article was when she said "My kids think I did nothing"

Wow, just wow.

I've seen this first hand. Friends when I was growing up who laughed at their mom and spoke about her as if she was a dummy who knew nothing, all because "she doesn't work". She cleaned, cooked did laundry, ironed... but to her kids, that wasn't work, and wasn't worth anything.

Sad indeed...

 

[quandrea]

I haven't read any of the replies, but I think the saddest part of the article was when she said "My kids think I did nothing"

Wow, just wow.

I've seen this first hand. Friends when I was growing up who laughed at their mom and spoke about her as if she was a dummy who knew nothing, all because "she doesn't work". She cleaned, cooked did laundry, ironed... but to her kids, that wasn't work, and wasn't worth anything.

Sad indeed...

Ungrateful, uninformed kids. I easily work harder at home than I ever had to at work.

 

[disykat]

I haven't read any of the replies, but I think the saddest part of the article was when she said "My kids think I did nothing"

Wow, just wow.

I've seen this first hand. Friends when I was growing up who laughed at their mom and spoke about her as if she was a dummy who knew nothing, all because "she doesn't work". She cleaned, cooked did laundry, ironed... but to her kids, that wasn't work, and wasn't worth anything.

Sad indeed...

I'm guessing that attitude came straight from their father, and their mother allowed it. It sounds like an abuse situation. Sad.

I was a SAHM for many years, as was my mother and grandmother before me. We were also women who were educated, active in our community, kept up on world issues and politics, etc. We were treated as equal in our relationships and never had issues of being seen as dumb by our kids.

 

[DawnM]

Sorry, yeah, I was not clear. If there is a specific choice between what my kids need and what I want, I will choose my kids' needs.

We did not know my son had the special needs he does until he was a bit older. It was at that time that I stopped working.

If I did not need to stay home and they were thriving at school, etc....I might still be working.

I don't begrudge any parent working, that wasn't my intent, but for ME, when I realized what my son needed, I chose to be with him and help him more than stay in my job.

Dawn

Except you said you worked full time when they were little...so were you "choosing" your career over your children then? Maybe I don't understand your wording....I just don't think it is such a simple "choice" of either children or career... and working moms aren't necessarily choosing a career over their kids.

 

[Granny square]

These arguments are pointless because each camp has tightly held beliefs. No amount of back and forth discussion is going to sway the other side. Live and let live.

I agree. Except that the stats say that most women spend some time working full time, part time and stay at home.

Women need to get off one another's back and quit dissecting every personal statement as an attack. I know that is hard but to make the world different for our grand kids.

 

[cari12]

I haven't read any of the replies, but I think the saddest part of the article was when she said "My kids think I did nothing"

Wow, just wow.

I've seen this first hand. Friends when I was growing up who laughed at their mom and spoke about her as if she was a dummy who knew nothing, all because "she doesn't work". She cleaned, cooked did laundry, ironed... but to her kids, that wasn't work, and wasn't worth anything.

Sad indeed...

DH's Mom was a SAHM and SIL has no respect for it and even implies that her Mom must have hated it! She also says that people should name their kids names that would look good on an office door??? By the way, she's not married and does not have kids so she is clearly the authority on the subject LOL

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

I agree that good parenting often means prioritizing things that are important to the kids over things that are important to the adults. And I agree that in some cases a parent leaving a job they love to be home with a special needs child might be an example of that.

But there are also plenty of families,like mine, where putting the kids' needs first means working outside the home.

Right now I work at a job I hate. I would love to walk away from it and spend more time with my son, while expanding my small private practice.

I am confident that I could do it and that I'd be a happier person if I made that choice. But the person who would sacrifice is my child. If I did so, I'd lose the excellent health insurance that currently covers his expensive medical care for his chronic medical needs. I'd probably need to scale back on rent by trading in our 2BR in a top school district, for a 1BR in lesser district, and I'd probably need to take on debt while I established myself, which would mean less resources for college in a few years.

SAHMs aren't the only ones who prioritize what's best for their kids.

 

[LuLuO]

I understand a lot of what the author was talking about. But every choice has it's pros and cons. It is sad that her children don't realize that she did indeed work hard all of those years but just didn't bring home a paycheck.

I became a SAHM because I didn't make a lot of money and between gas for the car, equipment upkeep, uniforms and daycare, I would have been paying out about as much as I was bringing in. If I would have cleared even $6000 more a year after daycare expenses I probably would have kept working but it didn't make sense monetarily at the time. I knew that being out of the workforce for 8-10 years would make it difficult for me to find a job. I have about a year to go until I can start looking for part-time work that still allows me to be home when the kids get home from school and where I still have the ability to shuttle them to their activities. Oh, and I'll be 40. Ha. Good luck with that, right?

I don't regret our decision. For us it was the only choice that made sense. Eventually I want to contribute to our income with actual dollars and I will find a way to do that down the road.

 

[Granny square]

I understand a lot of what the author was talking about. But every choice has it's pros and cons. It is sad that her children don't realize that she did indeed work hard all of those years but just didn't bring home a paycheck.

I became a SAHM because I didn't make a lot of money and between gas for the car, equipment upkeep, uniforms and daycare, I would have been paying out about as much as I was bringing in. If I would have cleared even $6000 more a year after daycare expenses I probably would have kept working but it didn't make sense monetarily at the time. I knew that being out of the workforce for 8-10 years would make it difficult for me to find a job. I have about a year to go until I can start looking for part-time work that still allows me to be home when the kids get home from school and where I still have the ability to shuttle them to their activities. Oh, and I'll be 40. Ha. Good luck with that, right?

I don't regret our decision. For us it was the only choice that made sense. Eventually I want to contribute to our income with actual dollars and I will find a way to do that down the road.

Her children being unappreciative is her fault. Or her perception. My kids knew what i did. They understood the importance of volunteer work. They knew what it was to clean toilets.

Whiny lady.

 

[LuLuO]

Her children being unappreciative is her fault. Or her perception. My kids knew what i did. They understood the importance of volunteer work. They knew what it was to clean toilets.

Whiny lady.

I wasn't whining. Didn't mean for my post to come off that way.

My kids aren't grown but they are at the age where they are coming to the realization that the world doesn't revolve around them. I agree that if a parent doesn't instill that in their children then yes, it is their fault if their children don't appreciate their contribution to the family whether one of the parents stays at home or not.

Still, I can understand her regret but in my opinion there is no reason to waste time on what might have been. Live for the present, not for the past.

 

[Granny square]

Oh no!!! I'm so sorry!!! I was talking about the op!! I'm sorry!!

Hahnana! Panicked! Not the op but the writer!

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Oh no!!! I'm so sorry!!! I was talking about the op!! I'm sorry!!

Hahnana! Panicked! Not the op but the writer!

I think you mean the woman who wrote the article and not the OP.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Oh no!!! I'm so sorry!!! I was talking about the op!! I'm sorry!!

Hahnana! Panicked! Not the op but the writer!

 

[Granny square]

I think you mean the woman who wrote the article and not the OP.

Lol, I totally panicked in trying to apologize!

Thank you!!

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Lol, I totally panicked in trying to apologize!

Thank you!!

I knew what you meant and I'm sure others would as well. Just didn't want someone getting upset with you.

 

[aprilgail2]

Did your mom work full time? I don't think it's up to grandparents to raise their grand kids while the parents work to support the two income trap. I know of many grandparents who do it while secretly voicing the utter exhaustion it causes. It does take a village but grandparents have historically been there to step in on occasion when mum and dad can't be there.

Personally I am looking forward to someday babysitting for my grandkids so my daughter can continue working. I would never put myself in the position of depending on someone else's money and I hope my daughter won't either.

In addition, if your DH works full time and you don't have a job you get paid for-- you darn well SHOULD be the one picking up the dry cleaning, etc, so the working spouse gets to maximize the time they have with the family when they are home. She gets zero sympathy on that from me.

I agree- if one spouse is staying home they should be doing 99% of the house work/errands etc.

I am one of those that didn't enjoy being a SAHM (and I always felt bad for saying it out loud). I felt trapped and bored out of my mind. I love my children to pieces, but I far prefer the school age to baby stages.

.

I stayed home for 10 weeks when my daughter was born and couldn't wait to get back out in the adult world- I felt like my brain was becoming mush staying at home!

I haven't read any of the replies, but I think the saddest part of the article was when she said "My kids think I did nothing"

Wow, just wow.

I've seen this first hand. Friends when I was growing up who laughed at their mom and spoke about her as if she was a dummy who knew nothing, all because "she doesn't work". She cleaned, cooked did laundry, ironed... but to her kids, that wasn't work, and wasn't worth anything.

Sad indeed...

I spent most of my childhood wishing my mom would get out of the house and go to work! I loved her but 24/7 of her was just smothering to me!!

 

[U2_rocks!]

I live in a country where there is a fairly large spread between what I can earn and what I have to pay for household help or childcare. I have a solid job with medical insurance and a pension - that is an asset to our whole family.

When my kids were born I negotiated a 3/4 hour day and therefore only worked until about 2 p.m. I lived 5 minutes away from work and used to go home for lunch and to breastfeed the youngest, and I also pumped at work. The kids weren't in daycare - they were at home with a lovely paid child care provider, and my parents lived next door and would drop by often to visit (and check on things). The lady taking care of the kids was way more inclined to get down on the floor and play with my kids than I have ever been - it's just much more natural to her than it was to me. My kids were very attached to her, and even though she hasn't worked for us for about 6 years now, we still keep in touch. She likes to know what the kids are up to. My kids are also very attached to my parents. I am happy to know that if anything ever happened to DH and I, our kids would be OK - they know how to bond with others.

DH's job ended several years ago and he had to decide whether to look for a new one of whether to chase his dream of opening his own business. He chose the latter, and this would not have been possible without my salary. The recession hit shortly afterwards and the business is still struggling. We need my salary now more than ever. I'm the one with a professional qualification, and will always be able to find a job - DH doesn't have much in the way of
Luckily, even though I work slightly longer now, my job is still completely flexible. I attend school events, I carpool with others so that some days I take the girls to ballet and gymnastics (and other days I don't have to). I take a car full to school in the morning as it's convenient for me, and I get my kids taken home in the afternoon (when they don't have an activity). On the days I'm not home from work yet they go to my parents - mum feeds them and then they do their homework. She volunteered for that - she likes having a close relationship with her grandkids. Two afternoons a week we have a cleaning lady come in to do all the laundry, ironing, mopping and other heavy stuff. This frees us up so we don't have as much work to do at home and can spend more time relaxing together as a family.

I like to think I have managed to organize my life so that I can provide for my family but the kids also get what they need.

 

[Patience]

Ah, the mommy wars! My husband and I both work and we both have fairly flexible schedules that allowed us to minimize the use of babysitters before our children started school and we don't need any after school care for our youngest who just finished Kindergarten. For me personally (and only me as this is my opinion only) that is the best of worlds, although it takes a bit of finagling sometimes to coordinate our schedules. We have a daughter in college who does not need to take out school loans so she will start her adult life both educated and debt free. We couldn't provide that for our kids and still feel comfortable about our retirement years if I had stayed home. I don't regret a thing for that reason.

Additionally, I work in a field where I am often in contact with women who have been left by their husbands and who have no current job skills and who have been out of the work force for a long time. They are often in their 50's and are scared to death about their futures. I am glad daily that I don't have to worry about things like that and I encourage my daughters to get the education and training necessary to take care of themselves and their future children come what may. Lest anyone accuse me of not holding conservative family values, let me assure that I do. I've been married over 20 years and believe strongly in the sanctity of family and marriage. However, nobody can predict the future and I want my daughters to be prepared for anything.

 

[Granny square]

Personally I am looking forward to someday babysitting for my grandkids so my daughter can continue working. I would never put myself in the position of depending on someone else's money and I hope my daughter won't either.

I agree- if one spouse is staying home they should be doing 99% of the house work/errands etc.

I stayed home for 10 weeks when my daughter was born and couldn't wait to get back out in the adult world- I felt like my brain was becoming mush staying at home!

I spent most of my childhood wishing my mom would get out of the house and go to work! I loved her but 24/7 of her was just smothering to me!!

Eh 99% or a days work. Then both parents best be taking care of kids and house. Evening dishes were shared here. I did laundry, cooked, cleaned and homeschooled our kids into top universities and colleges. He did the outside stuff, car stuff and made sure he spent as much time as possible with us.

As far as being financially dependent, I'd agree that both parents need to be able to financially care for the family in the worst scenario.

Lol, brain mush stinks. It's good you got out. Some people aren't good at keeping their own brain moving. And some just aren't happy at home. Your daughter would have known that you weren't content.