Why I Regret Being a Stay-at-Home Mom

I admire the sacrifices all mothers have made for their families. I salute you! For me, personally, staying with all 3 babies and homeschooling has been a priority for us. It's soooo hard, but the benefits outweigh other things. And I love learning with them! I do things totally different than my own mother, who worked her butt off, yet it has caused me to appreciate her sacrifices. The problem with us all is when we enter the pit of complaining......beware! Grace and peace to you all!
 
I am saddened for the author that her life has not met her expectations. She worked with her first two children and was unhappy, now she has stayed home with her third child and is again unhappy. Perhaps her dis-satisfaction is deeper than how she spends her days. But she does not speak for anyone other than herself.

I left a job I loved to stay home with children I thought I'd never have...children that I refused chemo in order to have a chance at having. Children that I have treasured every single moment of mothering and being home with. They are my miracles and I am blessed to be with them. It's been many years now, and I can honestly say that I don't regret becoming stay at home mom. At all. My husband and I made the best decision for our family and are both still happy with our decision.

If you've made the best decision for your family--whatever that decision--ditch the guilt, live your lives, and don't give a second thought to what someone else would or wouldn't do. Life is too short.
 
I am not offended by people's choices. I am not offended at the choice that some families make to have both parents work. I AM offended at the insinuation that having a SAH parent is some kind of luxury accessible only to the 1%. People get by on far less because having a SAH parent is important to them, and they don't feel "luxurious" while driving 15 year old cars and clipping coupons. So don't say you can't afford the luxury when the truth is you CHOOSE not to.

Well, there are shades in this. So maybe someone with $400K in income is probably being disingenuous, but there are many reasons why a family who would appear from the outside to "obviously" be able to afford it might not really be able to without taking some irresponsible risks.

In our case, the issue is retirement. My mother (a SAHM, btw) ended up disabled, and my father died young, before his pension properly vested. She died when I was 35, and from age 18 until her death a very large chunk of my income went to supporting her. I'm in my 50's now, and I'm desperately trying to play catch-up with retirement funding and insurance plans, because the one thing I'm absolutely sure that I need to do for my kids is to NOT depend upon them to support me in my old age. As it is, I won't be able to retire until I'm 70, presuming that I live that long.

DH and I were both laid off in the past decade (DH twice), and DH now makes about 60% of what he did five years ago, yet he still significantly out-earns me. However, I carry our health insurance, and DH doesn't have access to a group plan, because that is the norm in his profession. If I SAH we would have to pay OOP for health coverage, and that would mean dropping our life insurance policies and still probably paying out more than I currently take home (as so much of my income goes to insurance and retirement funding -- again, so that our kids will never have the burden of financially supporting us. The money isn't going to give us a luxurious retirement, but it should be enough to keep us off their financial backs.)

Yes, we spend about $4K a year in travel, but as we both had parents who died young, we want for our kids to have that opportunity WITH us, to grow in that sense and to get outside their comfort zone. The travel expenditure is a conscious choice for that reason, because you never know when lightning may strike. However, we live in a very tiny paid-for home, we carry no debt now (though we both had student loans that also took a large chunk out of our income until our mid-30's), we drive cars until they wear out, and we dress from thrift stores whenever possible. We don't smoke, we don't drink, and we don't have any otherwise expensive hobbies other than the travel. We don't live large, but we still need my income for the future.

Besides all that, the fact is that I simply don't have the temperament to be a good SAHP. I lack patience, and even when I WAS a kid I didn't much like spending time around kids. DH would be better at it than I would, by far, but again, he's the primary earner by a long shot, and besides that, even though he would be decently good at it, he really doesn't want to do it, which AFAIK, is something that no one has ever asked him to justify. He likes working, and somehow that's OK for him.
 
If you've made the best decision for your family--whatever that decision--ditch the guilt, live your lives, and don't give a second thought to what someone else would or wouldn't do. Life is too short.

This!!!

I have not read all the replies, I am guessing it is the same old, same old that I have read many times on the Dis before!

I have been a SAHM for 20 years now, with no regrets at all!

It drives me crazy when I read comments about daycare "bringing kids up". Some of my closest friends as well as my brother and my husbands siblings all used daycare. All of the children are nice kids, well adjusted kids and their parents surely "brought them up"!

Additionally, my own two boys (one is going into his senior year and my oldest is in college) have many, many friends. All of their friends grew up with both parents working outside of the house. They have awesome friends, they grew up just fine going to daycare. I see no difference between my two and their many friends. They are all just nice kids!

People need to do what is best for their family. I think if people could just feel comfortable with their lifestyle, they wouldn't have a need to make disparaging comments about the opposite choice. Whenever I read comments (on either side) of people explaining their choice and in doing so, making their choice superior to the other choice, I just feel sad for them. Stop explaining about being with your kids 100% of the time, daycare raising kids, brains turning to mush, 401 K's, no one can care for your kids better than you, multiple vacations a year, the importance of being available to your kids for every school function/sporting event/field trip/class party etc. blah, blah, blah!!! Just do what YOU feel is best, no need to explain at all!!! As long as a child is loved, they will be fine!
 


I'm a SAHM mom but it wasn't due to choice, it's due to disability. My disability is hidden (GAC alert) so I can feel caught in the crossfire when acquaintances assume I'm a SAHM by choice.

Being a SAHM affects current and future employability and paycheck.
Being a SAHM can have wonderful bonding moments.
Being a SAHM can involve much work that goes unrecognized and again unpaid.
Being a SAHM is reasonably well respected when the kids are very little and less respected as the kids get older (aka kindergarten age or older).
Being a SAHM is dependent on maintaining a good relationship with your spouse.
Being a SAHM has its own challenges, especially in the beginning if there is isolation or exhaustion with raising small children.
Being a SAHM can be the perfect choice for some people and the not-ever choice for others and that is ok.

Being a SAHM has given me an indulgence of time with my kids. My husband knows how much I appreciate him working. He seems to appreciate our home life and how the kids are turning out and my contributions there. It works for us, and while I regret that I'm a SAHM by necessity and not by choice, I do not regret all the time that I get to enjoy raising my kids.
 
Except you said you worked full time when they were little...so were you "choosing" your career over your children then? :confused3 Maybe I don't understand your wording....I just don't think it is such a simple "choice" of either children or career... and working moms aren't necessarily choosing a career over their kids.

It isn't usually a simple choice. It is a continuum, not two sides of a coin. She wasn't choosing career over kids when she worked; the situation (in her case, a special needs child that benefits from one-on-one care) hadn't yet forced a choice. For many parents, they never have to choose - a average job and typical kids are a balancing act, but one that can certainly be managed successfully. But when you add other variables into the mix - an especially demanding career or one with erratic time demands, a child with special needs, other family members that might need care (ie an elderly parent) - that's when the either/or starts to pop up.
 

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