Why does my MIL do the strange things that she does?

[The Pink Cupcake]

If these little things like this set you off, I bet you are a peach to get along with in real life .

I don't think they are "little things" I am not "set off". I am quite calm and soft spoken most of the time. It takes a lot to "set me off". I am quite lovely to get along with. But thanks for the dig.

I have in-laws that treat me kindly and with love. They would never be so brash or rude as to shove religous literature in my bag or make a special call just to put down a meal I prepared for them.

They treat me with respect and have always gone out of their way to make me feel like a part of their family. I love them so much for that.


The OP is young. She has a very long road ahead of her of she does not nip this ignorant behavior towards her right now. The fact that it bothers her enough to tell her DH about it and he brushes her off by saying "There is nothing wrong" tells me boundaries are needed.

I still am amazed you all think it is ok for a person to treat their daughter-in-law like this. Am I alone?

 

[The Pink Cupcake]

I will add, the OPs MIL has some psychiatric issues. So, of course, she will have to readjust her boundaries.

But you must have boundaries, nonetheless.

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?p=39421262#post39421262


“My MIL has some psychiatric issues, so I guess I can't blame her too much.”

 

[luvsJack]

I don't think they are "little things" I am not "set off". I quite calm and soft spoken. I am quite lovely to get along with. But thanks for the dig.

I have in-laws that treat me kindly and with love. They would never be so brash or rude as to shove religous literature in my bag or make a special call just to put down a meal I prepared for them.

They treat me with respect and have always gone out of their way to make me feel like a part of their family. I love them so much for that.


The OP is young. She has a very long road ahead of her of she does not nip this ignorant behavior towards her right now. The fact that it bothers her enough to tell her DH about it and he brushes her off by saying "There is nothing wrong" tells me boundaries are needed.

I still am amazed you all think it is ok for a person to treat their daughter-in-law like this. Am I alone?

I have wonderful in-laws too, but my ex-mil was a witch. Believe me, if these things were all she did, I would have been thrilled with the woman.

Maybe the op's mil could have a few better manners but who knows why she feels compelled to do the things she does? It just doesn't sound like enough to get upset about.

 

[sparks19]

The OP's feelings are certainly valid. if this hurts her feelings then she shouldn't just ignore it and let it carry on. yes she shouldn't make a big deal out of everything but if she is genuinely hurt by this then she should do something about it. Her feelings are real and valid and this is NOT normal behaviour for anyone.

My MIL and I have our moments but we try to keep a dialogue open so we can talk about it.

I remember one night when we were visiting her she upset one night by making a crack about me being a stay at home mom and hubby making. she was just joking and really we pick on and make fun of each other all the time and normally i wouldn't care... but I had PMS and was moody so I let it get to me. I shoudln't have but I did.

Well the next morning I woke up and she had left me this really LONG letter about how horrible she felt. well that made me feel terrible for being so persnickety as to take offense to something that was meant as a joke and that was normal for us. she felt SO bad and I felt SO bad for making her feel so bad lol.

When she got home from work she ran to me and gave me the biggest hug and apologized again and I apologized to her and told her I was just being sensitive cause I had my monthly lol. and we talked it out.

now whenever I have my monthly I tell her and say "If I stomp off... that's why lol" and she understands haha. and if my FIL notices my bad mood my MIL just says "just leave her alone... she has her period" LMAO to which he responds"Ok gotcha... don't need anymore details" LOL

it's isn't normal for people to treat others like that and she shouldn't just learn to live with it. she shouldn't be abbrassive either of course. there has to be some way to come to an understanding though

 

[southern_redhead]

How about when your MIL knows there are a few members of the family you don't allow access to your children ... so she asks them to spend the night and then makes sure she invites the other person over to visit with the kids without you there. She doesn't "mean anything" by it, but they are family and the kids "need" to see them

OR

She knows you are a germaphobe but she invites your kids and her other grandchild over and gives them ONE 20 oz pepsi...in a bottle...to SHARE. On top of that you find out the other grandchild has strep or the flu or rotovirus (this has happened repeatedly until I finally put my foot down in a not so nice way.)

OR

She calls you and if you don't answer the phone she immediately calls your mother to see if you are there. And if you aren't there she drives to your house. Because she is GOING to talk to you whether you answer that d**n phone or not! Heaven forbid you want an afternoon alone with no interruptions.


And, after all this, MIL wonders why you don't spend time with her or let your kids spend much time with her....

 

[sparks19]

LOL while I was making my post above... my MIL called. her ears must have been burning LOL

 

[Wishing on a star]

My DH just says "That's just my mom.. She did nothing wrong." Now, I understand that he thinks this way. If it was my mom, I'd be defending her too. These things that she did can be considered petty I guess, but they still hurt me.. and I guess DH just doesn't really realize it. He thinks it's silly for me to get wrapped up in it. And it probably is.

Okay, I DO have the hurtful 'passive aggressive' inlaws. (now just MIL)

Believe me, I have BTDT, and I do not see these things as being anywhere near in the same league as what I have experienced..... I KNOW inappropriate hurtful passive-aggressive behavior... I am not so sure that this is that bad....

Because of my situation which I had mentioned vaguely in a few posts here, I was actually accused of being a MIL basher.... THIS will show that I am most definitely NOT.

OP,
MIL's... Religion... Food....
It just is what it is....

If these things 'hurt' you, I think you need to step back, or you will be the one, instead of the clueless MIL, who ends up being passive-aggressive and 'falling on knives'... always mortally wounded....

PS: Whether these things are 'small' or not.... your husband needs to at least 'understand' and never minimize your feelings.... If you always know that he is always there, on your side, that is all that matters. Just try to make sure that your DH understands and that you can get on the same page with him.

OP: You and your DH need to be very 'pro-active' about these little things... If you buy or make a nice/expensive dish that you know you would like to have for your lunch the next day... buy or make plenty... take a storage container with you... and before the dish is ever swept away by MIL, take what you need, and have your DH "Please run this out to the car for me Dear...."

Half of dealing with this kind of thing is being one step ahead of the game... And, the other half is letting most of what gets by, go.....

PS: About the salt....
I am just getting over the most horrid illnesses!!!
And, I can tell you that when you are sick with some of these things, your tastebuds are like way, WAY, off.... a normal amount of salt (by most American's standards today) was just incredibly overwhelming!!!!! (I am talking, I want PLAIN mashed potatos please...) I might suspect that your MIL did not realize how 'off' her tastes were, and truly was stricken with how 'salty' the soup might have tasted to her.

 

[Wishing on a star]

How about when your MIL knows there are a few members of the family you don't allow access to your children ... so she asks them to spend the night and then makes sure she invites the other person over to visit with the kids without you there. She doesn't "mean anything" by it, but they are family and the kids "need" to see them

OR

She knows you are a germaphobe but she invites your kids and her other grandchild over and gives them ONE 20 oz pepsi...in a bottle...to SHARE. On top of that you find out the other grandchild has strep or the flu or rotovirus (this has happened repeatedly until I finally put my foot down in a not so nice way.)

OR

She calls you and if you don't answer the phone she immediately calls your mother to see if you are there. And if you aren't there she drives to your house. Because she is GOING to talk to you whether you answer that d**n phone or not! Heaven forbid you want an afternoon alone with no interruptions.


And, after all this, MIL wonders why you don't spend time with her or let your kids spend much time with her....

Now THESE are the kind of nasty, truly hurtful, controlling, totally and clearly passive-aggressive behaviors that require immediate action!!!

OP, like I said, like many of us who are older and have really BTDT... I am not sure that your situation needs more than a little vent.

MILS, Religion, Food....
It just is what it is...

 

[Disney Doll]

OP, you and your MIL are doing "the dance". You are fairly newly wed, I believe, and she is having a hard time not being the #1 woman in his life. It happens to the best of them. My mother always tol dme that there is no woman in this world who thinks any other woman is good enough for her son.

Pick your battles, because you really don't want to battle about everything....that makes for a long life and a difficult marriage.

 

[Nancy F]

Don't let her.
Nancy

 

[Mouse House Mama]

She does what she does because she is who she is. We all annoy others at times and nobody is the exception. You are a newlywed and a lot of us have been there. Things used to make me upset etc. and now we find the humor in them. The book? DH and I would have cracked up laughing about it.

We would also laugh about her stealing the food you brought. We would joke about how we were going to lick the whole plate etc. Of course we have an odd sense of humor.

The soup thing- eh- no mother wants to think that anybody does anything better for their kids than they do. Your dh complimented you to his mother. She probably felt hurt with him saying it was the best ever as if her cooking stinks. If the situation was reversed and he was raving about how awesome his mother's cooking was you might feel a bit miffed too as his wife.

Let it go and find the humor in it.

 

[bumbershoot]

based on the photo of you and your hubby can I guess MIL is irish catholic?

I've never known someone of that background to be evangelical...

The answer will puzzle me for the rest of my life. It was LAKE ONTARIO. Why is that so bad? Because WE LIVED ON LAKE ONTARIO AT THE TIME!!!!! My house was half a block from the lake. The cottage she rented was 12 minutes from my house.

So did you go on that vacation?

My DH just says "That's just my mom.. She did nothing wrong." Now, I understand that he thinks this way. If it was my mom, I'd be defending her too. These things that she did can be considered petty I guess, but they still hurt me.. and I guess DH just doesn't really realize it. He thinks it's silly for me to get wrapped up in it. And it probably is.

So what did she say when you told her there was no salt in it?

(as a LONG time vegetarian, I won't cook meat anymore...I don't want to kill anyone!)

The OP is young. She has a very long road ahead of her of she does not nip this ignorant behavior towards her right now. The fact that it bothers her enough to tell her DH about it and he brushes her off by saying "There is nothing wrong" tells me boundaries are needed.

I still am amazed you all think it is ok for a person to treat their daughter-in-law like this. Am I alone?

You're not alone, I thought the same things.

If my husband didn't agree with me about the behavior of his mother (and they once nearly started a war with her about her treatment of me...I wasn't even there, but he'd had beyond enough of it) I doubt I could still be here. Unless we moved to Tahiti. Then I could deal with it, as we'd rarely talk to her.

 

[ready123go]

MILs are really clueless sometimes, and sometimes they are consciously being passive-aggressive.

My MIL was a little bit of both. One of her moves that left me shaking my head was when she told us she was going to take us ALL on vacation for a week. This meant my DH and our two kids, his brother and 3 kids. She tossed around some destination ideas: Disney, Georgia, Myrtle Beach.......

Then one day, she called with the news that she had booked the place! It was a cottage on a lake, and we had it for a whole week! I was so excited -- I asked her what lake??? The answer will puzzle me for the rest of my life. It was LAKE ONTARIO. Why is that so bad? Because WE LIVED ON LAKE ONTARIO AT THE TIME!!!!! My house was half a block from the lake. The cottage she rented was 12 minutes from my house.

Well, she knew you liked the area, so it must be good...

 

[sparks19]

LOL reading this thread I just can't help but think of Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond lol

If that were my MIL she'd be 6 feet under and I'd be serving 3 life sentences

I kid I kid

 

[Liberty Belle]

My MIL drives me nuts. She does some very questionable things.. and I'm just curious if these things that she does are common/normal? Now, my family isn't "normal" by any means, but my MIL's actions really just baffle me. Here are some of the things she's done within the last few months:

- Despite knowing that I have my own beliefs, she sneaked a book about why I'm going to hell because of my beliefs, into my bag before I left her home after a family dinner.

- She invites us over to dinner, and after telling us what we'll be having, asks me to bring my own food, because it's too much of a hassle to either meet us at a restaurant or make something vegetarian friendly. Then, she will keep whatever meal I bring for myself, for her lunch the next day. Last year, I brought over an order of Pick Up Stix tofu and broccoli and only ate 1/2 of it, and put the other half near my bag to bring home.. she then put it in the fridge and told me she'd be eating it the next day.

- I made her chicken noodle soup once when she wasn't feeling well, and that night, she proceeded to e-mail me and tell me that it was too salty for her liking, and that she had to water it down. That's fine.. but why tell me about it? Especially when I didn't add any salt.

I don't get it.. am I overreacting to normal situations, or are these things really as bizarre as I find them to be?

I don't think they're bizarre, but I do think they're rude.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Rude behaviors.

Something tells me that's not all. I've noticed there are some that find after crossing boundaries, it's easy to cross more. That's not a MIL statement, but a statement that applies to anyone that has boundary issues.

 

[BLTLDZ]

I still am amazed you all think it is ok for a person to treat their daughter-in-law like this. Am I alone?

You are NOT alone!!!!!

I feel sorry for the OP. And it is NOT normal nor acceptable. PM me ANYTIME!
I have experience! LOL