Why does it bother me so?

[cheermom1]

I haven't read all the replies but I have to tell my experience. I was a dingle mom for a long time and did like to get out some times and enjoy myself. I got a sitter and didn't leave till they were a sleep. I had been sick for months and was on meds. so I hadn't been out in a very long time. Anyway I had gotten nauseous that morning and called the doc but was assured that I just needed to eat and I hadn't had a problem so I thought I was fine. So anyway I went out and I did NOT drink! I got sick but this time it a lot worse and I met up with a friend from one of my classes but we had never been to each others places, so he took me to his house since I couldn't tell him where I lived. I was better by the morning and called my sitter to let him know what happened he said the kids were still asleep no biggie. I got home the cops were there and the cop was sooooo rude to me and nasty and said I had no right to leave my kids for as long as I did and arrested me. told me that he hopes my kids are taken away and I spend a lot of time in jail!!! Needless to say it was all dropped as there was nothing to his claims and the kids were asleep the whole time and my sitter went to court with me and had the same story I did.

The whole point of this is to say that the cop told me that his mamma never left him for that long and never would. I told him that she should have if this is the way he is going to act! No one in the court could understand why I was even there. I found out that a neighbor called and said I left my kids home alone all night. Of course that was not the case and the sitter was still there and told him that I would never do that.

ETA: the point I was trying to make is that is good for both the parents and the child to have time away from each other.

 

[Mrs. Charming]

This is exactly what I'm talking about. Those that leave their children with a babysitter don't like them.

Do whatever you want, just don't judge others for what works for their family.

That's NOT what I said, nor did I imply that in ANY way, shape, or form. I simply said we like our kid. We like her company. That's IT.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I will be the first to admit. I like getting out without my kids. I like it alot. I also would go away without them if I could afford more then one trip a year but we can't so we don't To each his own I do get the impression sometimes that some people who do everything with their kids think that somehow they love their kids more than those of us who prefer grown-up time do. Oh well.

OP, maybe it's simply that the kids are getting a bit older and are more 'work' when out to dinner so they prefer to have a nice relaxing meal. As far as the CA vacation......I'm jealous. I went to San Francisco with DH for a few days about 10 years ago and it was heavenly but would've been very tough to do all that we did toting 2 toddlers along.

I think, too, it's a matter of how much you like children. Not just your children, but children in general. I love kids. I've always wanted to be a mom. Almost all my jobs have involved children. I just love kids. I don't mind being with them all the time.

Of course, there are times I'd like to just be with adults, but not very often. It doesn't make me better or worse than anyone. And, yes, I do think I love my children more than some others love theirs, but I don't judge that by how much time they spend with them (unless it is extreme).

 

[Wishing on a star]

I don't know why it bothers us so much. Are we weird? Sorry for the long post, but I just haven't been able to wrap my head around what's going on with them.

Sorry, but, there is a middle ground... I think the 'life revolves around my kids' attitude is just as worrisome as the 'can't wait to get away from my kids' attitude.

Both of these extremes would bother me.

Now, I agree that, from your descriptions, your friends are a little overboard and it might concern me. ( I could NEVER, NEVER, leave my two young children for 2 weeks straight.... ) But, I can't say that I see your side of the situation without some concerns as well.

 

[jrmasm]

That's NOT what I said, nor did I imply that in ANY way, shape, or form. I simply said we like our kid. We like her company. That's IT.

Actually, I think you did imply it.

And, yes, I do think I love my children more than some others love theirs, but I don't judge that by how much time they spend with them (unless it is extreme).

 

[krcit]

I think, too, it's a matter of how much you like children. Not just your children, but children in general. I love kids. I've always wanted to be a mom. Almost all my jobs have involved children. I just love kids. I don't mind being with them all the time.

Of course, there are times I'd like to just be with adults, but not very often. It doesn't make me better or worse than anyone. And, yes, I do think I love my children more than some others love theirs, but I don't judge that by how much time they spend with them (unless it is extreme).

I love kids. I don't think that you're implying that I don't(at least I hope not) I just don't want them there when I am having a nice evening out with friends. I like to talk freely about non-kid friendly topics sometimes and not worry about little ears. I like to relax and have a meal without having to get up in the middle of it and take someone to the bathroom or cut their meat. I also like to go out and have a few drinks and don't want my kids around for that either. We get together with the neighbors and kids about twice a month(10 kids, 3 couples) and I love that also but I need my adult time.

 

[MushyMushy]

I think it's hard on long-term friendships once kids start coming along and you find out you have very different ideas of raising the kids. It's not that you're wrong or they are wrong, but it can be difficult to see your friends in this new light when what they do is so different from your own ideas.

I had this issue with a friend of mine when our kids were little. I was more of a stern, no nonsense mom. When they would get out of hand and misbehave, I'd give them a quick NO and put them in time out. She was more wishy washy and would try to reason with them. I'm sure she thought I was a meanie, and I thought she was a softy. The thing is, our kids did survive it and they're all turning out quite nicely despite us.

 

[disykat]

This is exactly what I'm talking about. Those that leave their children with a babysitter don't like them.

Do whatever you want, just don't judge others for what works for their family.

Good grief, saying you like having your child with you doesn't in anyway say that parents who leave their kids with sitters don't like their kids.

I don't get why this is turning into a "never leave your kids" vs. "always leave your kids" thread. I don't think that's what anyone here wants to talk about!

OP says they leave their kids for alone time - they are not "never leave your kids" people. I don't think anyone here has claimed to be. Nor has anyone claimed to be an "always leave your kids" person.

The problem the OP is having with his friends is that they went from what he perceived as normally enjoying the company of their kids (whether they ever left them or not) to talking negatively about them and "always" leaving them.

 

[NAB]

I'm curious how old the kids in question are?

It does sound like your friends are heading in another direction then your family. Friends drift apart even if they have been friends for a long time.

For the people that say they love there children it is there job to be with them etc. What are you going to do when they are grown up and married. You will look at your husband and have nothing to talk about, if you haven't been spending time with him with out the kids and having your own life away from them. I think that is where some of the MIL-FIL's from heck come from. They can't let go.

 

[cheermom1]

I'm curious how old the kids in question are?

It does sound like your friends are heading in another direction then your family. Friends drift apart even if they have been friends for a long time.

For the people that say they love there children it is there job to be with them etc. What are you going to do when they are grown up and married. You will look at your husband and have nothing to talk about, if you haven't been spending time with him with out the kids and having your own life away from them. I think that is where some of the MIL-FIL's from heck come from. They can't let go.

I agree so much with you. my dh's ex is like this, it is so bad that when I married my dh the kids didn't know what a plug in was. They are so dependent on her it is not funny. She is always yelling at us for teaching the kids independency. She told me one time that she wants them to be dependent on her for everything and has fought dh on visitation b/c she doesn;t want to be with out them. She doesn't work and thinks she has to be with them 24/7 and do everything for them. I worry so much about them b/c right now we are battling them brushing their teeth, even the dentist told her that at their age they should be brushing their teeth on their own!!! they are 14,12, and 10. Who really doesn;t let their kids brush their own teeth???

anyway I know this is extreme but the point is that a balance is in order. plus you are right this is how in laws for heck come from.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

I'm curious how old the kids in question are?

It does sound like your friends are heading in another direction then your family. Friends drift apart even if they have been friends for a long time.

For the people that say they love there children it is there job to be with them etc. What are you going to do when they are grown up and married. You will look at your husband and have nothing to talk about, if you haven't been spending time with him with out the kids and having your own life away from them. I think that is where some of the MIL-FIL's from heck come from. They can't let go.

The youngest is not quite 2, yet, and the oldest is 4.
I love the time that DW and I spend together. Our kids are in bed at 8pm and we have the next 3-4 hours to ourselves every night. Then we add in the occasional dinner and movie type night by ourselves, and I think we've struck a very good balance.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

The youngest is not quite 2, yet, and the oldest is 4.
I love the time that DW and I spend together. Our kids are in bed at 8pm and we have the next 3-4 hours to ourselves every night. Then we add in the occasional dinner and movie type night by ourselves, and I think we've struck a very good balance.

A magical age when some parents might say...."What were we thinking????"

Seriously though--I was rejected (not really--but sort of) by my dad and my step-mom. I had to visit, they pursued custody at one point--but once I got to age 4 or 5, their DINK ways snuck in and they realized....ummm...not a chance.

And I was by no means a problem child. It's just that--well...now that I have kids of my own and witnessing how my step-mom is...her tolerance for children is extremely low. Probably a good idea that she closed the door on any kids of her own from the get go. She tolerates my kids for a little while--but then she is done done done done.

I'm not saying your friends are like this. But depending on the children--it can be a difficult age when the little ones--are spreading their wings and attempting to act much older than their years and test the parents.

I wouldn't fret too much that they are pushing their kids away. They are probably just dealing with it as best as they are able. We all parent differently and there truly is no right way or wrong way as long as the needs of the kids are being met.

 

[Disney Doll]

I don't have kids, so I have no dog in this fight.

Toucy subject though, huh? For all of you who are saying "Do whatever works for your family" you're all jumping on someone who's posting a differing opinion. An interesting "snippet" of human interaction...

OP, when I read your post I got the impression that things were going along with your friends, having kids, raising kids etc. and this change in them is kind of "sudden" which is what you are questioning.

I did not get the impression that you were thinking you were a better parent, although some over-sensitive types seem to have come to that conclusion.

I would say that some of the suggestions here are probably pretty close to the truth. Since I doubt both their children that they used to like to take places suddenly turned into the Spawn of Satan overnight, I am guessing there are some external forces at play...financial issues, one or the other of them unhappy, them noticing a chasm growing in their marriage that they are trying to fix. Marital issues came to my mind as I was reading your original post.

Are they young? Did they get married and have children young? I sometimes notice that with that scenario, a few years into it the parents suddenly want to "sow their oats" a bit...do what they SHOULD have been doing when they were busy having babies.

That being said, if there kids are safe a well-provided for, you have no say in what they do or don't do with them. Continue to parent your children the best way you know how and get together with them when it works for you.

 

[DawnM]

We also do almost everything WITH our kids along. We have only even had babysitters occasionally.

Now that my oldest is 12 we are able to leave him home for short periods and that has been nice, but I am fine having him along too.

But we are weird and I know it and I am happy to report how weird we are. We love being with our kids, feel they benefit from needing to behave in all sorts of situations, and want them to experience as much of life as possible.

You do what you feel is best for your family and kids. You can't control what they do.

Dawn

 

[jensen]

My DW and I have a set of best friends that we've known for a long time. We both have 2 children.

We take our kids everywhere we go. Dinners, vacations, etc., they are always with us. They are good kids and behave in public. Our friends' kids are exactly the same. They rarely act out and are good when we go out with them. However their parents talk about them like they are the worst behaved children in history! This has gotten to the point where they no longer are taking their children along with them and are now calling us weekly and saying, "Hey, we got a babysitter and we're going to <insert fancy restaurant name> you guys should get one too and come along." In addition, during holidays/time off from work, they are STILL taking the kids to their babysitter.

It really has started to unnerve us quite a bit, but I don't know why.

The reason I'm posting this now is because the past few years we've been doing a vacation together, so the kids can all play. This year they said they couldn't do it because they're finally getting a chance to go to California (almost 2-week trip), something they've wanted to do for a long time. I mentioned to them, "That will be great, the kids are going to love going on such a long trip!" Well you can guess the response, "the kids aren't going, because we just don't think we can handle that." The kids are staying part of the time with 1 set of grandparents, and then the other part with the other set. The one child isn't even 2-years old yet! And, as I said, their kids are wonderful!

Now I know some will say that we're envious of them, but that's not it. DW and I are planning a trip to England and France next year, and I can't wait for my kids to go with us and get that experience!

I don't know why it bothers us so much. Are we weird? Sorry for the long post, but I just haven't been able to wrap my head around what's going on with them.

ETA: Another thing is that they are starting to say things that make us feel uncomfortable. Like, since we are adults, we are SUPPOSED to have all this downtime away from our kids. I can see every once in awhile, but a weekly thing?

OP, your post sounds like it could have been written by me a few years ago... we had friends who left their kids with the sitter when they didn't have too and went on adult vacations. It broke my heart to see them leaving their kids. I couldn't imagine what kind of parents would do that. I judged them very harshly and I thought I would NEVER leave my kids and take adult vacations. In fact, our kids were pretty old before we even hired a sitter for them and went out for dinner or a movie.

But, as our kids got older, we did start hiring sitters and even taking a few trips without them. At first, I felt a lot of guilt, but eventually I started to value that adult time. We still do almost everything with our kids. But, I don't feel the guilt when we leave them with Grandpa and Grandma for the weekend, either.

Some people get there faster than others... but, I suspect you will eventually value your adult only time.

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

they might just be in a point in their life where they're overwhelmed and they just want some alone time?? i'm not saying it's something that everyone does or should do, but it does happen.

DH's cousin and her husband even took a trip to Disney without the kids one year just so they could enjoy it on their own without having to worry about everything to do with the kids.

 

[JerseyJanice]

I haven't read all the replies but I have to tell my experience. I was a dingle mom for a long time and did like to get out some times and enjoy myself. I got a sitter and didn't leave till they were a sleep. I had been sick for months and was on meds. so I hadn't been out in a very long time. Anyway I had gotten nauseous that morning and called the doc but was assured that I just needed to eat and I hadn't had a problem so I thought I was fine. So anyway I went out and I did NOT drink! I got sick but this time it a lot worse and I met up with a friend from one of my classes but we had never been to each others places, so he took me to his house since I couldn't tell him where I lived. I was better by the morning and called my sitter to let him know what happened he said the kids were still asleep no biggie. I got home the cops were there and the cop was sooooo rude to me and nasty and said I had no right to leave my kids for as long as I did and arrested me. told me that he hopes my kids are taken away and I spend a lot of time in jail!!! Needless to say it was all dropped as there was nothing to his claims and the kids were asleep the whole time and my sitter went to court with me and had the same story I did.

The whole point of this is to say that the cop told me that his mamma never left him for that long and never would. I told him that she should have if this is the way he is going to act! No one in the court could understand why I was even there. I found out that a neighbor called and said I left my kids home alone all night. Of course that was not the case and the sitter was still there and told him that I would never do that.

ETA: the point I was trying to make is that is good for both the parents and the child to have time away from each other.

What a story! Are you saying that your neighbors called the police because they somehow knew that you weren't home? And when the police arrived and found a responsible adult (i.e., your sitter) with the children, they didn't just leave? They actually waited around to arrest you? Wow! What a neighborhood that must have been!

OP, you should try to not let your friend's parenting style bother you. Life moves so fast, and before you know it, your kids and your friend's kids will be teenagers doing their own thing anyway.

 

[cheermom1]

What a story! Are you saying that your neighbors called the police because they somehow knew that you weren't home? And when the police arrived and found a responsible adult (i.e., your sitter) with the children, they didn't just leave? They actually waited around to arrest you? Wow! What a neighborhood that must have been!

OP, you should try to not let your friend's parenting style bother you. Life moves so fast, and before you know it, your kids and your friend's kids will be teenagers doing their own thing anyway.

you got it in a nut shell, however I lived in an apt. complex at the time and my down stairs neighbor was a witch. She saw my car gone and I don't really know what she was thinking. Plus she called the manager one night complaining about me saying I was too loud and having a party. ummm NO some idiot broke in my apt and tried to rape me, I called the police and everything, had a report. the manger came to my apt the next morn. and was trying to write me up for having a party and didn't believe me of what happened till I had all the other neighbors tell her the same thing I did but still wanted the report! Nice manager huh? I moved after that!

 

[JerseyJanice]

I'm glad you moved! A break-in and attempted rape is bad enough, but then to have a manager and neighbors like that on top of it. You poor thing.

 

[cheermom1]

I'm glad you moved! A break-in and attempted rape is bad enough, but then to have a manager and neighbors like that on top of it. You poor thing.

Thank you, sad part is it was my first place I got on my own and I was proud to have it till all this happened. Of course I as young and didn't understand a lot of things then that I do now. I'm glad I was smart enough to know that I needed to move for the safety of my kids and me.

eta: At least I was strong enough to fight that guy off and he didn't get what he came for LOL.