Why Does DH do this - Need hugs!

[Disney29]

I'm sure that you will find the strength needed get through this.

 

[TRUFFLES13]

Well, I did hear from him - he needed to get away for the weekend to think things thru - I think to be with his friends and drink. Trust me he has more freedom than any married man I know. He knew if he told me I would get mad and he didn't feel like getting into a fight -

He came home and acts like nothing has happen, I haven't said anything because DS is still awake.

What it comes down to is he doesn't want to answer to anyone and be question about what or where he goes!

Cheerbop - I always thought that God only gives you what you can handle, but I can't handle anymore! I keep telling Him I can't handle anymore and to guide me in what to do, because I don't know what to do -

 

[Stitchfans]

That's one of the best things i've heard. One of dh's symptoms is anger. He will be unexplainedly angry over little things. And it is so out of character for him. What happens is I learn to read the signs of an attack coming on and he will be in complete denial about it. I am hoping that thru therapy he will recognize how bad some of these symptoms are.

The anger is another symptom of the illness. Also in DHs case he went on a spending free for all. Spent money like we will millionaires twice. Nearly ruined us. He hung with a wrong crowd that took advantage of him and his illness. Yes I agree the drinking and the drugs does make it worse. Lucky for DH was just drinking. Sounds weird saying that. Anyway the way it was explained to me is that the episodes were brougt on by two many things stressing him out at one time. His family was/is famous for doing that to him. Also the episodes can/will come in different seasons. My DHs always came around the end of or middle of fall.

If anyone ever reads any of my posts when it is concerning his family and how I feel about them this thread will shed some light on why I say what I do about them. They would trigger the episodes than refuse to help when he was full blown into it and I was at my wits end. It took me threating and starting a divorce proceedings to shock DH into seeking help and staying well. The idea of losing me and DDs scared him to death. Now he works with me and the doctor to stay well. As someone else posted yes, with this illness the person will/can go through many doctors before the find the right one. The one DH has now I think is a quack cause she does is talk about herself and write out the perscriptions, but he likes her. I figure as long he discusses his problems with me and continues going to her for his perscriptions everything should be alright. So far so good 6 years.

I wish you all good luck. Hope my experience and story can help someone.

 

[Blondy876]

 

[Tiggeroo]

i believe not wanting to be questioned about the behavior is also a symptom. They get on a high and make irrational decisions and hate anybody who bursts this bubble. Financial problems are part of dh's problem. I have completely removed all money from his hand. And whenever I notice money missing I know a problem is coming on. Also 99% of the time he loves that I handle the money. It has given us a reall firm footing compared to what he was doing. But when he wants to go off the deep end I think he resents me for it. That triggers the anger. I literally don't trust him to carry 20. because it sets him off to do stupid things. It's sad. I don't know if meds will help this. I would have to feel very secure before I'd let him have access to my money again.

 

[TRUFFLES13]

I also have the same issues with money with DH, I don't know where it goes at times. My problem is he thinks he can spend what he wants because "he works too". I know what you mean about the resentment, he doesn't want any responsibility and just do what he wants. I have actually been keeping money in a separate account.

DH thinks he can control this himself at times, but then there are times where he wants my help. It really is an emotional rollercoaster! I know if he doesn't want help there is nothing I can do.

 

[cheerbop]

Cheerbop - I always thought that God only gives you what you can handle, but I can't handle anymore! I keep telling Him I can't handle anymore and to guide me in what to do, because I don't know what to do -

Well, first of all...I always say that to myself in some situations and SOMEHOW I am able to come through it.
But, if you can't handle anymore, then maybe it is time you lay everything on the line for him....
I just don't want you throwing something away if it IS salvageable (sp?). And, if it is not, then you know that you gave it everything you have. I just don't want you to regret something later on in life...

BUT, make your case to him and lay it all out there and give him an ultimatum (sp?) if you have to...just do it soon b/c you need to think of you and your son's safety and sanity!!!

Blessings and pixie dust to you..lots of hugs too!

 

[Medicmouse]

My husband of 9 years cheated on me too - I know how you feel in that regards but not with the disorder. My x started acting strange and distant but I kept the door open for him and I stayed calm. When I found out about the affair (with my best friend) that was it for me I left with our two kids and never looked back. I am now happily re-married for 2.5 years. I would suggest you leave the door open and give him some time to get help but not forever - you will know when you can't do it anymore. You will need councelling too. You will probably never get over the affair - decide if you can live with that too.

 

[Disney Doll]

Stitchfans, I am sure your DH is wonderful & loving. But he and you work together to control his illness, he takes his meds, he makes all the efforts necessary to keep his illness in check.

Doesn't sound like the OP's DH is doing that. I know that partof the illness is to think you are "better" and stop taking meds, but if your wife is willing to work with you, and you're not willing to trust her when she says "don't stop taking the meds" then there are other issues here besides the bi-polar. Maybe the bi-polar is a bit of a crutch???

In any event, when there are children to think of, all bets are off IMHO. A child needs stability. A child doesn't need the instability of not knowing from minute to minute what to expect at home. My mother was a chid of an alcoholic, and her behaviors to this day are very indicative of her growing up never knowing what to expect at home, never knwoing how Dad was goign to be behaving, if he was going to be drunk or sober, home or gone, mean or nice.

Sorry, time to protect the child. The adult will have to take care of himself. especially if I have tried and there has been no cooperation.

 

[Bashful2]

I know you love your DH and want to help him. However, he is the one responsible for himself, not you. You can't do anything for him until he takes on the responsiblity for getting well. Then, you can support and assist him, but not do it for him. He has to want the help enough to make the effort himself. To do that, he may have to hit rock bottom. In the meantime, you have to do what is best for you and your son.

This first thing I would do is to get counseling or go to a support group for yourself. See someone who will help you not to be an enabler.

I have a DD16 who is bipolar. We went to hell and back several times before we finally told her that this is her last chance. You screw up again and you're going away long term. She went into the hospital and continues to see her therapist and psychiatrist. She takes her medicine everyday. Even if she misses one dose, she starts to experience the start of her symptoms returning. She tries very hard to never miss a dose now because she doesn't want to end up like she was before. She's back in school (getting her diploma through the community college) and has also taken responsiblity for her her education because she doesn't want to live off of state disability checks. We do support her and help her as much as we can, but we and she finally realized that she is the only one who can do it.

Good luck. It is very difficult living with someone who is bipolar, but there is help out there if the person really wants it. Sorry to say, though, if he doesn't come around, for your own safety and sanity, you may have to walk away.

 

[macraven]

we haven't heard for the op ........how are things at this point?

you have a lot of us here concerned for you and thinking about you.
come back and talk when you can

 

[TRUFFLES13]

Sorry - I got busy in work.

Well he doesn't want to talk about anything, he acts like nothing happen and he didn't do anything wrong.

I need to think about me & DS, sometimes I feel like if this is how you want to live fine, you do your thing. But that is just not me.

As bashful2 said - I really think he needs to hit rock bottom. I can't do anything for him, until he wants help. I have been very supportive even with everything that has gone on.

It just really hurts the way he treats me, and disregards me. I feel like I deserve so much better and I really don't ask for much. I have even suggested marriage counseling, but he won't go.

Thank you for all your words of support and hugs. It really does make me feel better.

 

[macraven]

most of the time you have to hit rock bottom before you realize the big picture.


and if you do and try to start from there, you hear of a lot of sucess stories

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I don't think you have to hit rock-bottom, but that is me. I believe that you are entitled to be treated with respect and if you are not you, don't have to endure torture to totally destroy yourself. I say get out when things are halfway decent.
I don't see the point of it unless you are actively trying to get your marriage together, both of you.
Yes, I know he is bi-polar, however that doesn't put you on a "list" to be treated poorly.