Why Do Some People Find Daycare a Negative?

[dogluva]

The question was asked "Why do some people find daycare a negative" and I answered because I don't understand how people can have children and dump them in daycare 10+ hours a day-simple question, simple answer. It wasn't a matter of what worked best for DH and I but what works best for the KIDS.

Why the need to call it "dumping kids in daycare" three times? I think you have made your point on how you feel about daycare. You really don't have to repeat yourself anymore. It is old.

 

[luvsJack]

No, actually I won't. There is a HUGE difference between having a PARENT of your children taking care of them vs someone you found in the yellow pages. My DH would have stayed home with the kids without question if it was economically feasible for that to happen. Again, MY OPINION is that it makes NO SENSE to have kids only to dump them in daycare for 10+ hours a day. You do what ever the heck you want with your kids but I never had my kids cry because they woke up and found me at home with them but every kid I know cried at some point and time being dumped at daycare.

Thats odd. I had a center for 12 years and I can assure you 100% that 99% of the children in our care NEVER cried when mom or dad had to go to work. Sure there were a few criers but I saw those same kids in Kindergarten and they were criers there too. Should they have not gone to school either?

99% of our parents did a wonderful job parenting their children. They worked so that they could provide for their children. IF you didn't have to WONDERFUL! But, you know what? It doesn't make you any better than the next mom.

Most moms are doing the best they can to provide for their child and to be the best mom they can be. None of us need to be judged, least of all by another mom.

 

[Robinrs]

Why the need to call it "dumping kids in daycare" three times? I think you have made your point on how you feel about daycare. You really don't have to repeat yourself anymore. It is old.

Everytime I see it I think of kids falling:

Dontcha just LOVE the superiority of the DIS mothers??? If I just read these boards and didn't look around me I'd think NO woman worked for a living!!

 

[kpm76]

Everytime I see it I think of kids falling:

Dontcha just LOVE the superiority of the DIS mothers??? If I just read these boards and didn't look around me I'd think NO woman worked for a living!!

Ok, I am laughing so hard right now I hope it puts me into labor (I'm 39 weeks pregnant and SOOO ready to have this little one).

Thank God some women work out of the house, otherwise many of us would not have the chance to have great care from the Dr who decided to return to work after having her child, or our children would not benefit from the dedicated teacher who realized she had a lot to give, not only to her own kids but to all of ours as well........

 

[kidshop]

Thank you! Very well said. I stopped reading by page 2 because I got annoyed. My DD was in daycare-I read to her, I fed her, I read to her, I spent time with her and I took her places. NO ONE else raised her.

Because of the wonderful in-home daycare she was in, by age 2 she knew her alphabet, could count to 20 ( ok, she called it 10-teen but still ) knew her colors and her shapes. She had one of the most extensive vocabularies of any 2 year old around-largely due to the fact that her day care provider talked, non-stop all day long. At 2 1/2 she switched daycares and until she left for school they always assumed she was at least 1-2 years older than she was, and would have to catch themselves from moving her up to an older-aged room.

On the flip side, I have a friend who feels daycare is Satans Den, yet is in a state of panic because her 6 year old, who has stayed home with her since birth, isn't ready for Kindergarten.

When it all comes down to it, it's how you parent. Quantity of time doesn't always equal quality.

Help me out here. Your dd is super smart b/c of going to daycare? Would she not have done as well home with you?

And your friends child is not ready for K b/c he stayed home with his mom?

If it's all how you parent, what does daycare have to do with how smart/wonderful/social a kid is?

 

[LaurLaur04]

I am a firm believer that every situation is different! My DD has been in daycare since she was 3 weeks old. I absolutely hated it, but I had an unplanned pregnancy in college and was told that if I didn't return immediately that I would be dropped. My sister was down from Maryland and kept her the 1st week I was back but she had to go home. The daycare she was in was ok. Not great. I thought it was good at first because I loved her teacher (a friend of mine) but once she started advancing rooms I started to get a little weary. But the school of my choice (where I went to preschool as a child) is so popular it stays booked and there was a waiting list. Her school all of a sudden had many teachers (all my favs!) quit at one time. They let her have peanut butter (she is allergic to peanuts) and never kept an eye on her asthma. It was then that I called my old preschool again and told her my situation and how I wanted to get my daughter out of there ASAP.
Just a few weeks later she called with an opening!! I know there were people ahead of us, because even my sister was ahead of us on the list! But she knew how bad I needed her. I hadn't been in the school since I left at age 5, but when I took DD to check it out the next day, it was amazing. The exact opposite of where she had been! So colorful, so friendly and inviting. I know many of the teachers there as well, and many of my co-workers children go there. I remember LOVING it as a child. My DD loves it so much. She begs to go on weekends! No one has raised my DD but MYSELF. Never has she had "mommy confusion" and she will tell you at 2 years old that she goes to preschool because mommy has to work so she can have food and toys! I am s ingle mother so I have no other options. But I wouldn't change it for the world! I would love to stay at home with her, but I just can't. No one is in the wrong for doing what is best for their situation!

 

[talulabelle]

about the whole quality vs. quantity thing. I think that is a load of garbage. Pure and simple. Of course quality is important. But I'm not concerned about the quality time they are with me...I KNOW that is good quality. What concerns me is the quality of the daycare - and when it is in such great quantity - the quality better be good. I know that they can't get better quality than when they are with me, so why wouldn't I want their time with me to be in a greater quantity?

 

[msjprincess]

No, actually I won't. There is a HUGE difference between having a PARENT of your children taking care of them vs someone you found in the yellow pages. My DH would have stayed home with the kids without question if it was economically feasible for that to happen. Again, MY OPINION is that it makes NO SENSE to have kids only to dump them in daycare for 10+ hours a day. You do what ever the heck you want with your kids but I never had my kids cry because they woke up and found me at home with them but every kid I know cried at some point and time being dumped at daycare.

My son cried when I dumped him at Kindergarten. I guess I shouldn't have sent him there either. My 5yo sometimes cries when I leave the house. I guess I should stop doing that too.

 

[daughtersrus]

Again, MY OPINION is that it makes NO SENSE to have kids only to dump them in daycare for 10+ hours a day. You do what ever the heck you want with your kids but I never had my kids cry because they woke up and found me at home with them but every kid I know cried at some point and time being dumped at daycare.

I've been a daycare provider for about 18 years now and I can honestly tell you that I have had MANY children that never cried when they were dumped at my house. As a matter of fact, I've had plenty that cry when mom/dad come to get them because they don't want to leave because they're having so much fun.

 

[sunnyday123]

Help me out here. Your dd is super smart b/c of going to daycare? Would she not have done as well home with you?

And your friends child is not ready for K b/c he stayed home with his mom?

If it's all how you parent, what does daycare have to do with how smart/wonderful/social a kid is?

I never said she was "super smart". I said, despite going to daycare, she did not turn out to be a sniper on a grassy knoll. Between myself and her daycare provider, she learned all of those things and more. She would have done just as well on her own with me, but I'm thankful she had a great daycare to go to when I was at work.

It depends on the daycare, but many children learn many different things, and become more social just by attending daycare and interacting with all those different kids.

Her being wonderful is just 'cause she's mine.

And yes, my friends kid is not ready to go to Kindergarten because he stayed home with his mom. She does absolutely nothing with him. If he was at least allowed to watch tv, he'd have learned something from Sesame Street.

 

[badcramps]

No, actually I won't. There is a HUGE difference between having a PARENT of your children taking care of them vs someone you found in the yellow pages. My DH would have stayed home with the kids without question if it was economically feasible for that to happen. Again, MY OPINION is that it makes NO SENSE to have kids only to dump them in daycare for 10+ hours a day. You do what ever the heck you want with your kids but I never had my kids cry because they woke up and found me at home with them but every kid I know cried at some point and time being dumped at daycare.

Haven't your kids have been upset at some point or other that dad wasn't there when he wanted him to be, since he dumps them on you for 10+ hours a day? (Not that I actually believe for a second that all children cry when being "dumped" at daycare. Actually I was a child who never went to daycare--but I sure as heck did cry when I was "dumped" at school. In fact, since I spent almost every waking moment with my mom prior to kindergarten, I also cried during the toddler-preschool years anytime I was left with my own father, or grandparents who I saw every day, or other close relatives. Surely I would have cried had I been left at daycare as well--and it would have been good for me to do so. I needed to learn that I would survive without my mother by my side every second, and my guess is I could have done better learning that at age 2 in daycare than at age 5 going to school for the first time.) Anyway, my dad missed out on a lot of things in my childhood because he was working and was not there 8-12 hours a day. And sure, there were times it was upsetting that he couldn't be there. I imagine your kids (unless they don't have a close relationship with him) also miss him sometimes or are upset that there is something important to them that he can't take part in because of work.

I don't see a difference between a child being upset at missing their father who is working and a child of dual working parents being upset at missing their parents while at daycare. The fact that one's mother is always available doesn't make up for the fact that the other parent isn't--parents are not interchangeable anymore than a daycare worker and a parent are interchangeable. And this is something I couldn't understand about my own parents and other family members' ways of thinking about raising kids. It was assumed that 8 hours a day without one's mother was tragic, but 12+ hours a day without one's father was just peachy. And I just don't get that. It doesn't make sense to me to have a kid and then "dump" them on the SAHP so you can work long hours to make the SAH financially feasible. (Also, given your previous responses to people who mention financial feasibiilty, I think the appropriate response is that you and your DH could have both stayed home with the kids had you just planned ahead better.)

Of course, I'm sure your kids are actually doing just fine and aren't going to be horribly scarred by seeing so much more of you than they see of their father. Just like kids who split time between mom, dad, and daycare are also doing fine and not giong to be horribly scarred. Thus I figure your DH intended to have kids while letting someone else raise them ~10 hours a day because he knew they'd be just fine and that was what would worked for you two financially and in terms of your careers. And that is exactly what parents who both work do as well. And as far as I know, all of the social science research on this finds that kids are not affected in any signfiicant way one way or the other (though I believe some studies find benefits to daycare which cohere with my own experience of being raised by a SAHM).

So it's odd that you would suggest it doesn't make sense to have kids when you plan to do X and not Y (what you do), when X produces kids who are just as loved, just as happy, just as psychologically healthy, etc. as Y does....especially when your husband's approach to raising kids is very similar to X. It starts to seem as if you feel that you are a better parent than anyone who did otherwise (since you suggest that they shouldn't have had kids if they were going to not raise them they way you raise yours).

 

[GJM]

When my DS was about 2 he did go thru a stage where if I left he cried. I would drop him at daycare, he cried - and they told me as soon as I left he was fine. One day he did see me go but I peeked in the room and sure enough he was playing and no tears.

But he did this at home also he would be with DH and if I had to leave he cried, many times I had to sneak out of the house.

It was a stage that last for a little while and then just stopped!

 

[chloelovesdisney]

What is your definition of success? "Success" is highly subjective.

Graduated college, in most cases also grad school, med school or law school, are doing well in their careers, are doing well financially, have traveled extensively, and are in happy, loving relationships.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Graduated college, in most cases also grad school, med school or law school, are doing well in their careers, are doing well financially, have traveled extensively, and are in happy, loving relationships.

That's pretty high standards...many of us, me included, would not be considered a success.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

That's pretty high standards...many of us, me included, would not be considered a success.

Well, also having great season tickets to the NY Giants would be an automatic qualifier.

 

[Mimi1965]

No, actually I won't. There is a HUGE difference between having a PARENT of your children taking care of them vs someone you found in the yellow pages. My DH would have stayed home with the kids without question if it was economically feasible for that to happen. Again, MY OPINION is that it makes NO SENSE to have kids only to dump them in daycare for 10+ hours a day. .

Wow-that comment just pushed back the Woman's Movement 50 years-lots of women have to work-cant make it on one salary

Golfgal-if you didnt have kids-would you have had a career? Do you have a college degree? Talents?


But then-in your opinion-all women should just skip the college degree-and start producing kids and staying home all day

 

[monkeybug]

Graduated college, in most cases also grad school, med school or law school, are doing well in their careers, are doing well financially, have traveled extensively, and are in happy, loving relationships.

So if a person isn't college educated, or financially well off, but is kind, imaginative, empathetic, and is happy and enjoying life, they aren't successful?
That's a very narrow view of success. It doesn't leave much room for people who may have interests or passions beyond the mainstream.
My little brother makes just barely enough money to live on, he barely graduated high school, not currently in a relationship, and hasn't traveled extensively. He lives in hawaii and is pursuing his love of photography in his spare time (which he has a lot of), he has great friends, a positive outlook, a great sense of humor, a soft spot in his heart for humanity, and a genuine love and zest for life. He isn't a typical "success", but he's living life and pursuing what he loves. I don't know how much more successful we can be in life than that, in some ways I think he's more successful than most.

 

[mickeysgal]

Well, also having great season tickets to the NY Giants would be an automatic qualifier.

As would being able to vacation at Disney at least once a year.


I'm a huge believer in whatever works for your family. It's not a one size MUST fit all. I worked part-time (3-4 days a week all day long) when my kids were babies. Yes, I had them in day care and they survived. Also had them in a home day care with my neighbor and they survived. My daughter did the best, as to this day, she is very social, so the social aspect of daycare clicked with her.

I climbed the walls staying home. It wasn't for me. I was a far, far better mother to my kids when I blended work with home.

We moved when I was 5. I cried every stinkin' day for weeks to the point the school had to keep calling my mother to come get me. Should we have not moved because it upset me so? No...it's called learning to deal with it.

We moved our kids twice due to my DH's job. Right when my kids were in high school. Twice. Did they like it? No. But they had to learn to deal with it.

My two oldest are now in college, the youngest in high school, and have not so far turned out to be the dregs of society.

 

[descovy]

I've been the perfect trifecta...

I've been a SAHM... when my kids were are 4, 2, 4mos my dh lost his job. So I got a job at my oldest's preschool.

So I've been a preschool teacher too... but never to my own kids

And now they are in grade school (and dh is gainfully employed) I work p/t at target while kids are in school. I have no idea if that disqualifies me from SAHM status... but whatever...
....

With that varied experience as a momma, let me tell you you can have a good daycare experience or a bad one, and sorry to say, a good vs bad SAHM experience too.

Now I am sure all the SAHMs here are super moms and do no wrong. But I am not perfect.

As a SAHM we had great enriching days yes, but we also had days when we never left the house. My kids would be expected to entertain themselves (or gasp! watch TV) while I did housework. They ran mundane errands, and sitting in the shopping cart was not all that exciting thankyouverymuch.

As a preschool teacher, there were NO CHORES! We had to clean up our own messes, but food was prepared by other staff, cleaning was done by the cleaning crew at night. We could (and did) spend our hours learning, playing, interacting, 100% child centered. I'm sorry but (for me) that wasn't possible as a SAHM to do day in-day out.

As a daytime employee of Target, I see my fellow SAHMs drag their toddlers in... Pleading for them to sit still, not run around, no you can't have that toy (even though they let them chew on it... ewww) Screames, screeches, melt downs hissy fits. Kids are over-tired, bored, even if mommy is *trying* to make it a learning experience. Let's face it, mom is just trying to get through the day. Tomorrow might be some great playdate, paint, extravaganza but a SAHM can't keep that up every minute every day. The shopping has to get done, the laundry has to get washed, the floor has to be mopped.

Anyway, daycare has it's positives too. As a daycare teacher I was free to spend 8 hours of my day in fun. The same can't be said for every day as a SAHM.

Of course, YMMV. Some of you I'm sure are more awesome SAHMs than me...



Live and let live. And if you've been blessed to get to CHOOSE sahm vs daycare, consider yourself blessed and stop judging on your fellow mommas...

 

[jodifla]

I've been the perfect trifecta...

I've been a SAHM... when my kids were are 4, 2, 4mos my dh lost his job. So I got a job at my oldest's preschool.

So I've been a preschool teacher too... but never to my own kids

And now they are in grade school (and dh is gainfully employed) I work p/t at target while kids are in school. I have no idea if that disqualifies me from SAHM status... but whatever...
....

With that varied experience as a momma, let me tell you you can have a good daycare experience or a bad one, and sorry to say, a good vs bad SAHM experience too.

Now I am sure all the SAHMs here are super moms and do no wrong. But I am not perfect.

As a SAHM we had great enriching days yes, but we also had days when we never left the house. My kids would be expected to entertain themselves (or gasp! watch TV) while I did housework. They ran mundane errands, and sitting in the shopping cart was not all that exciting thankyouverymuch.

As a preschool teacher, there were NO CHORES! We had to clean up our own messes, but food was prepared by other staff, cleaning was done by the cleaning crew at night. We could (and did) spend our hours learning, playing, interacting, 100% child centered. I'm sorry but (for me) that wasn't possible as a SAHM to do day in-day out.

As a daytime employee of Target, I see my fellow SAHMs drag their toddlers in... Pleading for them to sit still, not run around, no you can't have that toy (even though they let them chew on it... ewww) Screames, screeches, melt downs hissy fits. Kids are over-tired, bored, even if mommy is *trying* to make it a learning experience. Let's face it, mom is just trying to get through the day. Tomorrow might be some great playdate, paint, extravaganza but a SAHM can't keep that up every minute every day. The shopping has to get done, the laundry has to get washed, the floor has to be mopped.

Anyway, daycare has it's positives too. As a daycare teacher I was free to spend 8 hours of my day in fun. The same can't be said for every day as a SAHM.

Of course, YMMV. Some of you I'm sure are more awesome SAHMs than me...



Live and let live. And if you've been blessed to get to CHOOSE sahm vs daycare, consider yourself blessed and stop judging on your fellow mommas...

Awesome post!!!!!!!!!!!!