Why Do Some People Find Daycare a Negative?

[Acklander]

So she is hiring a baby nurse who can be with her while she does her writing and research. (and trust me I know that's not an option available to most people)
She is home all day, but sent her son to daycare starting at 2.

We did a live in nanny for ds when he was a baby with a wonderful girl from Jamaica. We paid room/board and a small salary so this option is affordable for many families. It worked really well for us.

 

[monkeybug]

We did a live in nanny for ds when he was a baby with a wonderful girl from Jamaica. We paid room/board and a small salary so this option is affordable for many families. It worked really well for us.

That's awesome! It sounds like something that would be expensive, so I just assumed it was.

 

[Acklander]

That's awesome! It sounds like something that would be expensive, so I just assumed it was.

Not at all. It's one of those exchange type programs. A young person (late teen/early 20 something) gets to experience another country for a year or two, living with a family and earning some money. We get affordable in home child care and got to meet a wonderful girl who we still are in contact with (and consider an extended part of our family) today. While living with us she taught me how to cook traditional Jamacian dinners, I taught her how to cook pot roast. She came with us to Disney for our vacation. She was a great "big sister" to our son, and he was ring bearer at her wedding.

 

[Liberty Belle]

We did a live in nanny for ds when he was a baby with a wonderful girl from Jamaica. We paid room/board and a small salary so this option is affordable for many families. It worked really well for us.

I'd question the many part. You'd need a separate bedroom and you'd have to live in the right city/town.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Not at all. It's one of those exchange type programs. A young person (late teen/early 20 something) gets to experience another country for a year or two, living with a family and earning some money. We get affordable in home child care and got to meet a wonderful girl who we still are in contact with (and consider an extended part of our family) today. While living with us she taught me how to cook traditional Jamacian dinners, I taught her how to cook pot roast. She came with us to Disney for our vacation. She was a great "big sister" to our son, and he was ring bearer at her wedding.

Oh, I didn't know it was through a program, so you can strike the "right city" comment. But, I'm curious how much a "small salary" is. We only had to pay $130 a week for my son to attend the in-home daycare.

 

[luvsJack]

I guess its just a differnce in a person's life experiences but I would be much more afraid of having someone (that is not family) keeping my child in my home or their's. I am not paranoid by any stretch but I always felt safer knowing there were plenty of other people around that were seeing what was going on with my child and their caregiver. And would also have a problem leaving my infant with a teen/20 something (our infant caregivers always had children of their own and a certain amount of experience in dealing with infants in a child care setting)

But, of course, I know others are more afraid of child care programs for their infants. All in what we are exposed to, I guess.

 

[jodifla]

Statements like these (and many others) make me wonder what roles dads have in raising their children. After all, they are often gone 10 or more hours a day. What happened to their right to stay home?

Yes, this was my point.

It would be nice if we could all stay home all the time. But people still have to work for a living. And so many of them need daycare.

We did arrange it so we didn't use daycare until DS was 20 months old though. DH turned down a job because it would mean that DS would be in the infant room for 10 hours a day, and that felt like too much to us. If it had been a dream job, he might have done it...but it wasn't, so he stayed with freelancing from home. It was a choice we made.

But just like everything in life, we constantly adjusted our arrangements based on the situation. So when we saw that DS was very much an "out and about" kind of child, we started him in the neighborhood daycare in the mornings, and increased it after he turned 2 when he was really enjoying his days there.


We are all shaped by our experiences. My mom chose not to go back to work when I was a child when we could have really used the money; her choices affected me well into adulthood, as I shouldered a lot of my parents' financial burden when they became elderly and had saved nothing for retirement.

 

[badcramps]

Statements like these (and many others) make me wonder what roles dads have in raising their children. After all, they are often gone 10 or more hours a day. What happened to their right to stay home?

I kept marveling about post after post in this thread where there was no mention of a husband. Surely it can't be that every poster here is a single mother or in a lesbian relationship where there are two mothers. So where do the fathers come in? Why are there so few SAHDs compared to SAHMs?

If (some) people feel that leaving their kids in another person's care for 8-10 hours a day is letting another person raise them, then it would follow that all of the dads who work 8-10 hours while their wives are SAHMs aren't raising their kids, no? One poster couldn't understand why people would have kids only to "dump them" at daycare for 8-10 hours--well why did your husband have kids only to "dump them" on you as a SAHM for 8-10 hours a day? (I was raised by a SAHM and I saw my father no more than I would have had I been in daycare. In fact, I probably saw him *less* than I would have had I been in daycare since with my mom not working he regularly had to work significantly more than 40 hours a week.)

Personally I wish my wife and I could move to Sweden when it's time to have kids to take advantage of some amazing government policies regarding (paid) parental leave and help affording daycare. I believe parents there can take a combination of over 1 year of paid leave the policies are arranged so as to encourage both moms and dads equally to take the leave so that women do not get mommy-tracked in their careers.

But since we are stuck here, we will have to make do the best we can just like everyone else. We're expecting that I will have a flexible day-to-day schedule as a professor even though it will be long hours. We don't know what my wife's job situation will be like yet. But we can see the emotional pulls and the external constraints of both "sides" of the issue. We don't feel good about our child being in daycare 50 hours a week. We don't feel good about one of us sacrificing a career we enjoy in order to be home full-time. Neither of us believes we could be happy spending years upon years with raising the kids being our primary work. Since it looks like we will make similar (non-huge) amounts of money at our jobs, it's hard to see how we could get by on one income or how one of us forgoing any income to be a SAHM (even considering the cost of daycare we would save) could make financial sense. We don't feel good about the way my parents did staying at home vs. working where one parent was alone at home with us for 10-12 hours a day--often even on weekends--and the other parent was always working and would "babysit" us once in a blue moon. We don't feel good about what some family members of mine do--expect the grandparents of their children to provide free childcare. We don't feel good about the inequality that can result when one person is a long term SAHP (e.g. what happens when the couple divorces and one person has been out of the workforce for 15 years while the other has acquired a higher level degree and can now make 5 times what the SAHP ca or that the SAHP won't get access to the social security benefits of the working spouse if the marriage doesn't last a certain length). These problems would be exceptionally disadvantaging to us given we are a same-sex married couple and thus have none of the legal protections straight married couples get. And so our hope is that each of us can sacrifice a little--taking advantage of whatever we possibly can such as working from home, flexible hours, working weekends/nights, etc--so that each of us can be successful in our careers and can spend adequate time with our young children.

 

[castleview]

We are all shaped by our experiences. My mom chose not to go back to work when I was a child when we could have really used the money; her choices affected me well into adulthood, as I shouldered a lot of my parents' financial burden when they became elderly and had saved nothing for retirement.

I understand this. But DH's mother did the same, but he looked at it as if his mom sacrificed to give him a good upbringing and education.

 

[hulagirl87]

For me personally- I chose to stay @ home; I just didn't feel my child would be nutured by anyone better than me.

I don't think day care is bad though-just not how I wanted to raise my kids.

I'm the same way

 

[Acklander]

Oh, I didn't know it was through a program, so you can strike the "right city" comment. But, I'm curious how much a "small salary" is. We only had to pay $130 a week for my son to attend the in-home daycare.

10 years ago, we paid an initial $500 fee (for round trip airfare/agency fee and background check), and we paid $85.00 weekly plus room/board and we covered travel/entertainment expenses when she came on vacation with us. I did the bulk of my work out of a home office so I was available for nursing. Usually I started work around 4 AM (incurable insomniac), she'd get up with the baby around 9 or 9:30; and go through morning routines with him. when she put him down for his afternoon nap (around 1 or 1:30) she was done for the day, when he woke up from his nap is when I finished work for the day and put on my full time mom hat. I usually worked half days on weekends as well but DH was home then so he had the baby during those times.
Around age 2 we swapped over to his going to an in home daycare and that cost $120 a week.

 

[Nancyg56]

I think this whole debate is just silly.

I have done the SAHM thing and now I am a working mom. I have stayed home with both at some point and I have also sent both kids to daycare at some point. My oldest has also gone to preschool and is now in Kindergarten. There were good points and bad points to staying home and there are good points and bad points to being a working parent. In both cases, I have done what is right for MY family at the time. My kids have always been happy, loved, and well cared for by both dh and myself no matter what my working or staying home status was at the time. You could spend 1 minute with either of my kids and see that.

I could sit here and debate why being a SAHM is a great choice or I could sit here and debate why being a working parent is a great choice, as both have been great choices for me at some point, but I feel no need. I am content with the decisions I have made for my family and I don't feel I need to justify it. As I said, I see how happy and loved my kids feel by my dh and myself and that's all the justification I've ever needed for any of my decisions regarding them. My family is the most important thing in my life and they know it.

I think as long as someone feels the way I do and KNOWS that their decision is right for THEIR family then there is no need to justify it to someone, especially a bunch of strangers online who have no idea about that person or their family dynamic.

I feel no need to tear someone down on here for being a SAHM or being a working mom. I know that most of the people on here love their kids plenty and are doing just as I am and what is right for their family and their situation and, quite honestly, it's noone else's business but theirs and noone truly has any right to be so judgmental.

I guess you could say that I simply choose to support other moms/parents in general.

Exactly!

I haven't read any replies but honestly, I don't understand why anyone would want children and then dump them in daycare, no matter how wonderful the setting, for 8-10 hours/day. That is just my personal feelings but we didn't want someone else raising our children, which is what happens when you see them for 4 hours a day and someone else takes care of them for 10 hours. I just don't understand that thinking, not a criticism, argument, just can't get my head around doing something like that.

I believe that is because you are wrapped up in your own philosphy. It works for you and that is great but does it work for everyone? No. I believe that if your had said that you and your DH chose to keep your children home because you both believe that decision will be the best decision for your family. Once you validate your decision by categorizing another parent's choice to use daycare you have attacked that person. You may not intend to attack but the critical comment is not necessary.

It's not an automatic right that you get to stay home and take care of your child, even if you are in a two-parent family. Some women insist on it to their family's detriment...they really don't have enough money without the second income, their husband would LIKE them to go back to work, but they just can't, because daycare is so horrible and only they can raise their child.

I believe that women should be able to stay home with their kids if they choose unless it is financially irresponsible. Again, only my opinion and I sure would not judge another woman's decision to reamin the primary caregiver for her child. And I sure would not judge that woman is trying to justify staying home, implying that woman is lazy. This is another example of how one woman's decision is validated by judging another woman's decision so meanly.

. If my DH had died when our kids were little, no I would not have had to go back to work because we have enough life insurance on BOTH of us so we could have stayed home with the kids. Divorce is different--you don't PLAN on that but to have kids with no intention on staying home with them is just something I don't understand why anyone would choose to do that, simple as that.

See, you have used your circumstance to determine that your decision is the right one for everyone else. My first husband did die when I was 23. I had three children under the age of 5 and thank goodness I could support them myself. I had to leave them with a babysitter and work nights as a waitress. as the years went on I saw women who had stayed home with their children and placed their carreers on hold and then wound up in serious financial trouble when their marraiges failed. I made sure that my DD was able to support herself and her family in the event she ever needed to, i discussed that with my DDIl and have talked to other young women I care about. I feel that women should be prepared to step in if necessary.

I know that your decision works for you but you must realize that not all people feel the same as you and their reasons are all based on their circumstances. It is imperitive to respect decisions that are thoughtfully made even if those decisions would not be your own.

Statements like these (and many others) make me wonder what roles dads have in raising their children. After all, they are often gone 10 or more hours a day. What happened to their right to stay home?

Oh my goodness! I am so glad you asked this. My DD and DSIL made the decision to have DSIL stay home woth Kady. DD worked 1 mile from home, was able to come home for lunch every day and couldl come home if seh needed to. She also had a generous benefits package so it made better sense for her to work. I cannot tell you all of the negative comments that they endured. Most felt that daycare wouldl be better than having a Dad care for Kady. I was shocked that anyone would chastize them for doing what worked for their little family, DH and I completely supported their decision. We finally told people who felt the need to educate us in what was best for Kady that they had no idea what worked in any other family but their own. Period.

Men are treated pretty shabbily if they choose to be a primary care giver for their kids.....right down to folks saying that daycare would have been a better choice so that teh lazyt man would go back to work. Again, critical comments because the decision did not mirror what society said was appropriate. DH and I finally discussed my staying home and DSIL going back to work after he cared for Kady for 2 years. It was clear that if "friends" were responding this way an employer might feel the same way. It was unfair IMO but it was a reality.

 

[MomRN]

I haven't read through the whole thread, but my MIL owns a daycare. When my ds was a baby I went to school full-time, worked part-time, and my husband worked. Even though he was under the care of his Mamaw, and the staff is wonderful, I hated dropping him off there, because I missed him. However, I knew I was making our lives better in the long run, so we had to do what had to be done.

Now, I work full-time nights, and my husband is not working but going to school, and he rarely goes to daycare. Maybe once a month...for a doctor's visit, a haircut, etc.

What really, really bothers me is when parents drop off their kids at daycare, and they don't work. We have some friends of ours that do this... both were out of work for over a month, yet their child still went to daycare everyday. That just really bothers me.

So, IMO, daycare can be a great thing... for working parents, to get things done once a week, but it shouldn't be used if it's not truly needed. If you are at home, then your child should be with you.

 

[golfgal]

Exactly!



I believe that is because you are wrapped up in your own philosphy. It works for you and that is great but does it work for everyone? No. I believe that if your had said that you and your DH chose to keep your children home because you both believe that decision will be the best decision for your family. Once you validate your decision by categorizing another parent's choice to use daycare you have attacked that person. You may not intend to attack but the critical comment is not necessary.



I believe that women should be able to stay home with their kids if they choose unless it is financially irresponsible. Again, only my opinion and I sure would not judge another woman's decision to reamin the primary caregiver for her child. And I sure would not judge that woman is trying to justify staying home, implying that woman is lazy. This is another example of how one woman's decision is validated by judging another woman's decision so meanly.



See, you have used your circumstance to determine that your decision is the right one for everyone else. My first husband did die when I was 23. I had three children under the age of 5 and thank goodness I could support them myself. I had to leave them with a babysitter and work nights as a waitress. as the years went on I saw women who had stayed home with their children and placed their carreers on hold and then wound up in serious financial trouble when their marraiges failed. I made sure that my DD was able to support herself and her family in the event she ever needed to, i discussed that with my DDIl and have talked to other young women I care about. I feel that women should be prepared to step in if necessary.

I know that your decision works for you but you must realize that not all people feel the same as you and their reasons are all based on their circumstances. It is imperitive to respect decisions that are thoughtfully made even if those decisions would not be your own.



Oh my goodness! I am so glad you asked this. My DD and DSIL made the decision to have DSIL stay home woth Kady. DD worked 1 mile from home, was able to come home for lunch every day and couldl come home if seh needed to. She also had a generous benefits package so it made better sense for her to work. I cannot tell you all of the negative comments that they endured. Most felt that daycare wouldl be better than having a Dad care for Kady. I was shocked that anyone would chastize them for doing what worked for their little family, DH and I completely supported their decision. We finally told people who felt the need to educate us in what was best for Kady that they had no idea what worked in any other family but their own. Period.

Men are treated pretty shabbily if they choose to be a primary care giver for their kids.....right down to folks saying that daycare would have been a better choice so that teh lazyt man would go back to work. Again, critical comments because the decision did not mirror what society said was appropriate. DH and I finally discussed my staying home and DSIL going back to work after he cared for Kady for 2 years. It was clear that if "friends" were responding this way an employer might feel the same way. It was unfair IMO but it was a reality.

The question was asked "Why do some people find daycare a negative" and I answered because I don't understand how people can have children and dump them in daycare 10+ hours a day-simple question, simple answer. It wasn't a matter of what worked best for DH and I but what works best for the KIDS.

 

[luvsJack]

The question was asked "Why do some people find daycare a negative" and I answered because I don't understand how people can have children and dump them in daycare 10+ hours a day-simple question, simple answer. It wasn't a matter of what worked best for DH and I but what works best for the KIDS.

It was what worked best for your family and your kids, but doesn't mean that it is what should work better for anyone else. Its not fair to be so negative and judgemental of other parents that make a different choice or that find what works best for their family and their kids is different than for yours.

There is no reason for anyone to be negative toward childcare. Its something that is necessary and can be a very positive experience for kids. It is not "dumping" anyone anywhere.

I don't understand why some find it necessary to state what worked best for them and then to use that as a jab at anyone who made a different choice.

 

[Magpie]

"Why do some people find daycare a negative?"

Now I'm not speaking for anyone else, and I'm not judging anyone, but for me - I'm a DIY kind of person. I make my own family meals, knit my own socks, write my own books, do my home renos, etc... I enjoy puttering around in my life, and giving up the car wasn't a big sacrifice to be able to do that.

In theory, I'm not opposed to daycare. Our neighbour's kids went to a daycare across the street, and when my daughter was 3, she asked if she could go, too. So I signed her up for a couple days a week.

It didn't work out. My daughter was... odd, I guess. Irritating to some people. Somewhat hyperactive, a chatterbox, and also VERY picky about her food. And the daycare wouldn't let me pack meals for her that she'd eat, so she'd go all day without eating. And no, the whole "if she get hungry enough she'll eat anything" didn't work with her. Did I mention she was also stubborn?

So we discussed it, and she told me she didn't want to go anymore, and I said, "That's fine!" That was WAY too much money to throw away on something we didn't need, and she didn't enjoy.

My son started junior kindy when he was 3 (late birthday), but burned out on it by the next year. He had a learning disability which hadn't been diagnosed yet. One Christmas, he told me that he wished he was dead. I talked to his kindergarten teacher, and she suggested homeschooling, and so that's what we did for the next several years. My son went back to school when HE was ready, and not before.

Now my children are both teenagers, and both in public school, and I can't count the number of times teachers have told me, "You've got two really great kids!" I think I did well by them.

If I had another child (fat chance!) I wouldn't even consider putting them in school before age 5. Of course, death, divorce, financial ruin, etc... would change my position. Necessity rules.

 

[Goobergal99]

I am going completely against the feminist inside me by saying this but I think the best gift a parent can give their child is to stay home with them and give them the freedom to enjoy the relaxation of their home.

That being said I was way to anxious to stay home myself, good thing my hubby was willing when DD was very young, he's a feminist too

But In all honestly I don't condemn those who choose differently, Socially, my kiddle probably could have afforded the experience she took a long time to feel comfortable around kids because she was so used to adults.

 

[torinsmom]

No way I can read all the responses, but wanted to give my 2 cents.

I had the best of both worlds (for me) when my son was little. I kept another child while I was home with him. I couldn't imagine not seeing him all day. OTOH, my sister stayed home with her son for 3 months and almost lost her mind! Her husband ended up being a SAHD for the next two months and then they brought him to me to watch. When he was 2, he went to daycare and the little one went to daycare when he was less than a year old.

It is so different for every mom. Yes, I was with my son every day, but GULP, I didn't breastfeed! I got flack for that a lot, but that was my choice as well. DS was and is very bonded to me(well as bonded as a 15 yo can be without being weird).

My sister was and is as good a mom as I am. Her kids are smart, creative and don't seem to have suffered at all from being in daycare.

So for those who say kids shouldn't be with "strangers" for more of the day than their own parents, do you home school? Just wondering, because my 4-5 year olds are with me from 8:20-3:30, which is 7 hours, more waking hours than they are at home. Or does this change once kids are in "real" school?

Marsha

 

[Goobergal99]

Men are treated pretty shabbily if they choose to be a primary care giver for their kids.....right down to folks saying that daycare would have been a better choice so that teh lazyt man would go back to work. Again, critical comments because the decision did not mirror what society said was appropriate. DH and I finally discussed my staying home and DSIL going back to work after he cared for Kady for 2 years. It was clear that if "friends" were responding this way an employer might feel the same way. It was unfair IMO but it was a reality.

Wow sooo true! Women are their own worst enemies, they want equality but if a man chooses to stay home and let his wife be the bread winner he is looked down upon

 

[talulabelle]

It was what worked best for your family and your kids, but doesn't mean that it is what should work better for anyone else. Its not fair to be so negative and judgemental of other parents that make a different choice or that find what works best for their family and their kids is different than for yours.

There is no reason for anyone to be negative toward childcare. Its something that is necessary and can be a very positive experience for kids. It is not "dumping" anyone anywhere.

I don't understand why some find it necessary to state what worked best for them and then to use that as a jab at anyone who made a different choice.

Not all daycare is negative. But yes, there are circumstances when I do feel it is very negative. Here is an example of "child dumping " that has been described. In my old neighborhood, there was one mom who ran an in-home daycare. Many people in the neighborhood used her. It in itself was the ideal place for parents that had to work and needed to use daycare. the woman running it was wonderful with the kids, was very structured and loving and nurturing. Not only was she their daycare provider, but she was their neighbor and the mom of their friends and playmates. All the kids there were in their own neighborhood and didn't have long commutes with their parents each day. They were playing with neighborhood friends and it was comfortable home and not institution like.

One woman who lived directly across the street sent her son there. Honestly, I don't know why this woman ever had kids because she makes no secret of the fact that she HATES being home with him - hated being pregnant, hates any type of mess they might bring in to her home etc. She didn't even take maternity leave when she had the kid because she hates being away from work so much that her husband took 12 weeks family leave to care for the baby and she went right back to to work!! (nice - huh?) Her son is not that bright and seems slow, and it is no wonder why. She and her husband are clean freaks and are the types that vacuum every night before bed, (the whole house!) When he was a baby he spent every waking moment in her home in a playpen. She was so afraid he would get fingerprints on the window or touch anything. Children that can't explore don't learn or grow their little brains,,,and the kid is suffering the consequences of this in school now. Anyway - the daycare was a set-price for the month thing. It was one price per month and if you didn't need the daycare for a day- there was no price break. This is the way most daycares work (because they need to budget, and if they are losing money for a kid that is not frequently there - that place could go to a kid who was there and paying) So most parents when they have a day off from work are so happy to have a day with there kids, that they don't care and they take the day with the family. Not this woman. She and her husband were both off on Fridays, and even took a weeks vacation once and still sent the kid across the street to daycare. Her attitude was "well it's paid for" So the little boy would sit in the front window of the daycare house watching his anal retentive parents across the street that cared more about their house than their kid- washing cars, doing gardening etc outside his house and he would cry all day. He would want to go across the street to be with his family. The daycare mom would try to keep him away from the window but he wouldn't budge. She felt so bad for him that she called the mother and told her he was crying and didn't understand why he couldn't be with him and the mother said "tell him he has to get over it, we have things to get done." She would laugh about how she used daycare as much as she could. She wouldn't even allow her boy to be a normal kid and lay inthe grass and watch his dad wash the car. This boy is very strange and slow for his age, and she is the cause of it. Using daycare in this way is just wrong.