Why Do Some People Find Daycare a Negative?

[MooGooGai]

How about "Why have kids if you are just going to dump them in daycare??

Sounds like a jab to me.

Skirting around the issue? Nobody said that prior to your strange statement.

Can I ask why you would think a mother would have to justify staying home with their child? I am very curious.


I sort of like my child I want to spend time with him. Personally, I find my child fascinating. I cannot get enough of him

I understand needing to go back to work for money reasons

I will admit, I don’t get the whole “I couldn’t sit at home with my baby. It was boring. I was going nuts” mindset

But, if your kid gets on your nerves that badly and you are going so stir crazy that you have to run back to the office, imagine how that child grates on the nerves of a person getting paid a low wage

 

[Wishing on a star]

It's not an automatic right that you get to stay home and take care of your child.

WOW, just W O W W W....

A mother doesn't have the right to care for her child?????

Jodifla, my earlier post was just fine, and was not in any way uncalled for.

But when somebody starts to say a parent doesn't have the right (in a so-called free country) to make decisions regarding, and to care for their child..... Sorry, but there are just no words to respond.

Really, that is just so wrong, and completely inflammatory.
I think it's time that the MODS exercise their right to close this thread.
This has now gone WAY beyond rational discussion.

 

[TwinsinCA]

I will admit, I don’t get the whole “I couldn’t sit at home with my baby. It was boring. I was going nuts” mindset

But, if your kid gets on your nerves that badly and you are going so stir crazy that you have to run back to the office, imagine how that child grates on the nerves of a person getting paid a low wage

 

[livie1205]

I stay home wih my kids,I would never put them in dacare...but have no issue with those that do.My dd4 and I are never bored...we spend time everyday learning.I do not have to justify it to anyone an no one should have to...

 

[golfgal]

This sounds very mean spirited. I hope you didn't mean it this way. I'm a sahm, but I know so many families where both parents work, or in a single parent situation.

My mind is just boggling at your post. Suppose you or your dh died (not sure which of you is the breadwinner). Wouldn't the other spouse have had to go back to work? Maybe not, but I bet most of us would have.

Suppose you got divorced? There are just so many uncertainties in life. Yet you speak in absolutes.

Yes, I am currently a sahm, but I know that could change in an instant.

Like I said, I just don't understand having kids and dumping them in daycare at 6 weeks old. Yes, there are some people that have to work but most that have 2 incomes could get by easily on one if they had planned ahead. If my DH had died when our kids were little, no I would not have had to go back to work because we have enough life insurance on BOTH of us so we could have stayed home with the kids. Divorce is different--you don't PLAN on that but to have kids with no intention on staying home with them is just something I don't understand why anyone would choose to do that, simple as that.

 

[Mermaid02]

We made sacrifices so I could stay home when the kids were small. No cable, no new cars, we didn't go out to eat, we didn't buy new clothes unless it was absolutely necessary- we were very thrifty...... and it was all worth it to us. I got SO tired of hearing my neighbor talk about how "lucky" I was that I could stay home- luck had nothing to do with it!

I don't care if someone puts their child in daycare- it's a family decision. But I do think infants do best at home with a parent or a grandparent. Nobody will love and nurture your baby like you. Do I think kids who go to daycare are "damaged"?? Certainly not! They do just fine. This is a lot like the bottle vs. breast debate.

 

[Christine]

I don't care if someone puts their child in daycare- it's a family decision. But I do think infants do best at home with a parent or a grandparent. Nobody will love and nurture your baby like you. Do I think kids who go to daycare are "damaged"?? Certainly not! They do just fine. This is a lot like the bottle vs. breast debate.

As a mom who used daycare, I agree with this statement. I do believe that parents and grandparents are the best caretakers (for the most part) of their children. Not for one day, while my kids were in daycare, did I ever attempt to claim/think/believe otherwise. I also don't truly believe, except for some fringe portion of the working parent population, that any working parent believes that the care they receive in daycare, especially at the infant stage, is superior to what they themselves could be providing at home. Never met anyone who believed that.

Having said that, it doesn't mean that daycare is inherently bad for the child either. There was one center that my daughter used when she was three that she was absolutely miserable in. I let that last for exactly one week. I then took off work for an extended time to find a better place. I did, and she was thrilled with it. Other than that, we've had good experiences and I felt and still feel that the balance I had to create in my personal life was one I would choose again. Of course, I knew that my kids would have preferred to stay in their own home all day and not have to get up in the mornings and go out but I had to figure out what was best overall for our family and our long-term survival, especially in an area that has a terribly high cost of living but where our jobs are.

As far as these "mommy wars" coming from the working parent side, I always feel like it is the stay-at-home side that is making snide, veiled judgements about those who have decided that having to earn money is up there on their list of priorities. There are some stay-at-home parents that seem to word their choices really well and there is nothing judgemental in their statements but, for the most part, there is a sanctimonious, condescending tone from most. I have seen working parents make their own disparaging remarks about people who stay at home being lazy, etc. I do believe that stems from feeling defensive about their own choices.

 

[castleview]

We made sacrifices so I could stay home when the kids were small. No cable, no new cars, we didn't go out to eat, we didn't buy new clothes unless it was absolutely necessary- we were very thrifty...... and it was all worth it to us. I got SO tired of hearing my neighbor talk about how "lucky" I was that I could stay home- luck had nothing to do with it!

I agree with this. I've heard it many times and I've even had people tell me they actually envy me for being a SAHM. I believe they are being sincere, but my theory is that if I can do this on DH's teaching salary, anyone can. Then again, I can be envious of women who still manage to work without having to use daycare very much. The grass is always greener, I guess.

 

[castleview]

It's not an automatic right that you get to stay home and take care of your child, even if you are in a two-parent family. Some women insist on it to their family's detriment...they really don't have enough money without the second income, their husband would LIKE them to go back to work, but they just can't, because daycare is so horrible and only they can raise their child.

Seen it plenty of times on these boards.

Ok, I'm not one to say "why have a child when you're going to put him in daycare?", but I will say "what makes you think you can have a child if you don't have the means to care for him/her?" Ultimately, a baby is a parents priority. Nobody forced you to have one.

My parents were of the generation fighting for a woman's right to work and have children. You seem to have done a 180 here and think all women should work and staying at home is the right we have to fight for now.

This reminds me of moms who push for full day kindergarten and cheaper before and aftercare at our school (we already have before and after at a great price). They'll say they have to work and aren't as fortunate as stay at home moms. But this SAHM is on a tight budget and can't afford a tax increase to pay for another parent's choice to work. Matter of fact, many of the working moms are just as offended by these people too since they made schedule adjustments, babysitting arrangements, or are pleased with their day care options.

 

[daughtersrus]

WOW, just W O W W W....

A mother doesn't have the right to care for her child?????

I haven't read any replies but honestly, I don't understand why anyone would want children and then dump them in daycare, no matter how wonderful the setting, for 8-10 hours/day. That is just my personal feelings but we didn't want someone else raising our children, which is what happens when you see them for 4 hours a day and someone else takes care of them for 10 hours. I just don't understand that thinking, not a criticism, argument, just can't get my head around doing something like that.

Statements like these (and many others) make me wonder what roles dads have in raising their children. After all, they are often gone 10 or more hours a day. What happened to their right to stay home?

 

[PatsGirl]

Like I said, I just don't understand having kids and dumping them in daycare at 6 weeks old. Yes, there are some people that have to work but most that have 2 incomes could get by easily on one if they had planned ahead. If my DH had died when our kids were little, no I would not have had to go back to work because we have enough life insurance on BOTH of us so we could have stayed home with the kids. Divorce is different--you don't PLAN on that but to have kids with no intention on staying home with them is just something I don't understand why anyone would choose to do that, simple as that.

And single parents can do it without infant/toddler daycare as well, it's all about choices. I had a great paying position which I worked until hours before DS was born. At 12 weeks I decided I could not go back to a job that was sometimes 10 hour days and put together a plan. I downsized to a used car, stopped eating out, and generally just learned to live with a lot less material things. I waitressed full time with shifts that started at 5 pm. DS was left with a sitter five nights a week from 4:45 to about midnight but always was in bed around 7 pm so I didn't feel that I was missing out on much of his care. When he turned about two, I was able to find a job with day care on site, worked part-time there which was perfect so he could socialize with other kids his age, and then waitressed only two nights each week.

I had a similar situation with DD. She did not go to infant or toddler child care but did start preschool/daycare at about 2 years old as well.

I have no issue with parents making their own decisions about what works for their family but I think there are very few that HAVE to make the choice of daycare. I strongly believe it is a CHOICE and there are other options if you so choose.

 

[disfan07]

I agree with this. I've heard it many times and I've even had people tell me they actually envy me for being a SAHM. I believe they are being sincere, but my theory is that if I can do this on DH's teaching salary, anyone can. Then again, I can be envious of women who still manage to work without having to use daycare very much. The grass is always greener, I guess.

But that also depends on where you live. Where I grew up, it was almost impossible to support a family on only a teachers salary. It just wasnt realistic because the teachers salaries just did not jive with COL.

Where I grew up, max salary is around $85,000 for teachers....with a Masters. If you come into our county with 15 years experience and a masters degree, the most you can start making is $70,000. If you begin teaching at about 23 and you start a family around 30, you would only be making about $55,000/year.
The median income in our county is $125,000. More than 60% of the county makes more than $100,000. The median single family home is $550,000. When your only making between $60,000 and $70,000 a year it's very very hard to survive and support a family on only that.

 

[december]

And of course since I checked this thread yesterday we've descended into the "my opinion is the only one that is right" argument. So sad. I honestly can't imagine being that judgmental. I have friends who stay home, and friends who work long hours and use before and after school care. Most of my friends are somewhere in the middle, like me. I can't wait to pick up my little one every afternoon and get my sloppy wet kisses. Then we snuggle and play all afternoon. And weekends, and holidays, and summers. That works for me.

I don't do mommy wars. As long as our children are taken care of and happy, the details are not my business. I breastfeed (yes-my 15 month old is still going strong). But I had to bottlefeed my 2nd child (after nursing my 1st for 18 mos) due to illness on my part. Both of my older kids are healthy children. As much as I believe in breastfeeding, I cannot imagine thinking "why have kids if you are just going to put them on the bottle." I doubt I'd have many friends if I was that judgmental of their parenting choices.

 

[Robinrs]

Whatever the choice thank God you have the right to choose.

My son's father became schizophrenic during my pregnancy so I became an "involuntary single parent." I was blessed that my best friend was a SAHM who took care of my son for the first 10 months for free while I worked. I was also blessed that she was a Montessori teacher by trade and my son benefited from her teaching skills. She went back to work when Mike was 11 months old and I had to make the decision to put him in daycare. I was blessed to find a wonderful daycare near my job who allowed me to come see him whenever I wanted.

Fast forward he is now 17 years old and is literally the kindest, most thoughtful, even spirited child I've ever known. He's been through a LOT in his life, his mentally challenged father being the worse, losing all of the matriachs and patriarchs in his family, and me being in and out of jobs due to job closings and layoffs. We've been haves and have nots and thru it all he has been the family's rock.

The point I'm making is a basic underlying family love and ethical balance follows a child wherever he goes. Just because he's home with a parent doesn't mean that the parent is the best choice to train the child. Very poor people on assistance are home with their kids, too, that doesn't necessarily mean that the home situation is middle American and perfect. I personally know people raising children who had NO business being around a child!! I've been blessed in the fact that I've always had amazingly good daycare for my son, also, which can be hard to find.

Consider the results, lots of people are fighting about the situation while IN the battle with small children. If the child grows into an upstanding citizen, there are WAY more factors involved than the daycare choice.

 

[daughtersrus]

And single parents can do it without infant/toddler daycare as well, it's all about choices. I had a great paying position which I worked until hours before DS was born. At 12 weeks I decided I could not go back to a job that was sometimes 10 hour days and put together a plan. I downsized to a used car, stopped eating out, and generally just learned to live with a lot less material things. I waitressed full time with shifts that started at 5 pm. DS was left with a sitter five nights a week from 4:45 to about midnight but always was in bed around 7 pm so I didn't feel that I was missing out on much of his care. When he turned about two, I was able to find a job with day care on site, worked part-time there which was perfect so he could socialize with other kids his age, and then waitressed only two nights each week.

I had a similar situation with DD. She did not go to infant or toddler child care but did start preschool/daycare at about 2 years old as well.

I have no issue with parents making their own decisions about what works for their family but I think there are very few that HAVE to make the choice of daycare. I strongly believe it is a CHOICE and there are other options if you so choose.

I'm confused. Who cared for your children when you were working?

 

[castleview]

But that also depends on where you live. Where I grew up, it was almost impossible to support a family on only a teachers salary. It just wasnt realistic because the teachers salaries just did not jive with COL.

Where I grew up, max salary is around $85,000 for teachers....with a Masters. If you come into our county with 15 years experience and a masters degree, the most you can start making is $70,000. If you begin teaching at about 23 and you start a family around 30, you would only be making about $55,000/year.
The median income in our county is $125,000. More than 60% of the county makes more than $100,000. The median single family home is $550,000. When your only making between $60,000 and $70,000 a year it's very very hard to survive and support a family on only that.

I hear you. I'm in CT which is quite expensive. But DH and I handled it by working second jobs (him coaching, me judging gymnastics) before we had kids and by buying a fixer upper for our first home - that was our investment, I guess. We still did some financial damage while I was home with the kids, but it was repairable and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

 

[monkeybug]

My neighbor and I were just talking about daycare the other day. We are both pregnant and due about 2 weeks apart. She writes parenting books, and early education curriculum. She has a masters in child development and...something else I can't remember right now. Now I know that just because she's an "expert" certainly doesn't mean she knows more than the average mommy, but she does know what the research says!

When I asked if baby was going to go to daycare (like her 4 year old does) she said "You know there is lot's and lot's of research indicating a good daycare is very beneficial to children over 2, but there is just none supporting infant care. Nothing. It is great that there are so many wonderful options available to moms who need that, but I'm fortunate enough that I don't, so why?"
So she is hiring a baby nurse who can be with her while she does her writing and research. (and trust me I know that's not an option available to most people)
She is home all day, but sent her son to daycare starting at 2.
I would have liked to send my children to daycare a few days a week before they started preschool, because I remember reading in the child development classes I took that it really is beneficial, but we couldn't afford it so I had to find other ways to put my children in a group setting where they had to follow some rules (from someone other than mom).

I think at the end of the day there are pluses on both sides of the fence, and as long as you love your kids, and have some fun with them from time to time, they are going to do just fine in the world! My kids may be ahead of the curve is some ways because they were home with me, but the kids that were in daycare are ahead of the curve in some ways that my kids aren't.
If you can find a way to be home with your infant, than it sounds like that's the most important time to be home, but if you can't, like my neighbor who is an "expert" said, there are lot's of really wonderful options available to moms today.

Nobody gets to make all the right choices for their kids, we all are compromising something somewhere, but most of them still manage to grow into wonderful people!

 

[disfan07]

I hear you. I'm in CT which is quite expensive. But DH and I handled it by working second jobs (him coaching, me judging gymnastics) before we had kids and by buying a fixer upper for our first home - that was our investment, I guess. We still did some financial damage while I was home with the kids, but it was repairable and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

But I know most people would prefer to avoid any financial damage at all and that is by both parents working. And now with the suggestion of having a 6 month emergency fund, it is even more difficult. In Fairfax County, VA, it is very hard to support a family and have a stay at home parent. No matter how hard you try.

The only way I would consider staying home with my kids full time would be if I marry someone who makes a salary that can support a family PLUS have 2 separate emergency funds. One for medical expenses and one general emergency fund. I have seen my family live paycheck to paycheck with my dad making $130,000/year because of MY medical bills. I would never be comfortable ever having any financial damage that I could prevent even if it is repairable.

 

[castleview]

But I know most people would prefer to avoid any financial damage at all and that is by both parents working. And now with the suggestion of having a 6 month emergency fund, it is even more difficult. In Fairfax County, VA, it is very hard to support a family and have a stay at home parent. No matter how hard you try.

The only way I would consider staying home with my kids full time would be if I marry someone who makes a salary that can support a family PLUS have 2 separate emergency funds. One for medical expenses and one general emergency fund. I have seen my family live paycheck to paycheck with my dad making $130,000/year because of MY medical bills. I would never be comfortable ever having any financial damage that I could prevent even if it is repairable.

We nearly moved to Fairfax County years ago and your reasons are why we didn't. I understand people who don't want to possibly do damage. In my situation though, the damage would have been even worse. I would NEVER see my kids and be miserable for it. Believe me though, if I had a workable situation - I'd have considered it.

 

[luvsJack]

As a former childcare director, pre-K teacher and a student writing a thesis on the effects of a early childhood program on a child's later academic success, I can assure all working mom's: Your child is fine and will thrive in the program. A quality program has postive lasting effects on a child's school years.

The key is to find a high quality program. Look at ratio, teacher/director education and training, menus, design of building, materials available to the children, and curriculum. And yes, there can be a written curriculum for every age group. Even in the infant group, the caregiver/teacher can be introducing the babies to things. No, a 3 month old will not learn that an apple is red or starts with an A--thats not what I am talking about. But she can be with the child on a mat on the floor making sure they are having time to kick and squirm and use all their large muscles. She can have things in the room that awakens the children's senses--black and white wall hangings down on a low level or bright colors when the time is right. Having music playing in the room is a big things too as brain development research shows that from 0-10 years is the best time to learn music.

If I was looking for a program, the first thing I would do is go online and find the state regulations for child care programs and then find a place that goes beyond those. If you are in MS, for instance, if your center does not have a written curriculum, they are not following regulations. If they aren't following something like that then I would be afraid there are many other regs they are not following and would look elsewhere.


It would be wonderful for all mothers if they could make the decision to stay home, we can't all do that. I was lucky and had the best of both worlds. I worked but had my own children in my center, so was still with them every day. I was lucky. And its not always a matter of choosing not to eat out, for many its a matter of paying the light bill. If you can make choices that allow you to stay with your child most or all of the time, great, but just remember that the same choices are not there for everyone.