Why Do Some People Find Daycare a Negative?

[talulabelle]

Nobody can nurture a baby like a mother. We can pretend that the daycare workers can, but they can't and they don't.

Sadly, not everyone can afford to stay home. That is why we need a daycare overhaul in this country.

OP - sounds like daycare is a positive for your family. For my family, it would be a big negative. I make many sacrifices to be the one taking care of them from 9-5. All families are different, we can only do what is best for our own family.

 

[talulabelle]

Why? Can a 20 month really get bored?

Yes, if the parent isn't interacting at all with them, I think a 20 month old could get pretty bored.

 

[MooGooGai]

Yes, if the parent isn't interacting at all with them, I think a 20 month old could get pretty bored.

I suppose. Just strange that a 20 moth old would get bored if they are being stimulated properly.

I know that at 20 months a child is still “living in the moment” and is not desiring to be around other children for hours at a time. So, I don’t think a child that is that old would be bored because they aren’t around other children. Daycare would probably help plan activities for a SAHM that could not occupy a 20 month old baby.

But a baby being bored? Seems more like an adult issue.

 

[castleview]

Daycare isn't a negative if you find the right one. Like anything, you get what you pay for and finding an enriching, safe, and positive environment can be costly. I do wonder though, why anyone would put their child into care for 50+ hours though.

I chose to stay at home because my mother worked and I, frankly didn't find it to be that great. Yes, it was good for her because she was miserable at home. However, I could have used someone to talk to when I got home on some not-so-good days. Plus, we would not have been bringing in much profit had I gone back to work and I'd be traveling a lot. However, I have friends who have the best of both worlds that use daycare minimally while having a flexible, fulfilling career.

When these threads pop up, you'll find people who are justifying their own decisions by slamming others'. It's that simple. While a few working moms have slighted me for staying home, most have been supportive or just don't care. At the same time, I cringe when a SAHM thinks her kid will be so much better than daycare kids merely because she stayed home. Just feel sorry for the condescending people and move on.

 

[okeydokey]

Nobody can nurture a baby like a mother. We can pretend that the daycare workers can, but they can't and they don't.

Sadly, not everyone can afford to stay home. That is why we need a daycare overhaul in this country.

Leaving a child in daycare does not mean that the child does not get nurtured by his/her mother. It means that for a few hours a day, the child gets to enjoy a different environment with different caregivers.

I went to part time at work when my kids were born and for 25 hours a week they went to a home day care of a friend who actually had way more patience than I did and she did actually nurture them like a second mother. She also taught them plenty and loved them like her own. To this day they are very close with her.

I worked because I had to but even if I didn't have to, I still would. Every time this topic comes I have to shake my head at the people that put their beliefs and opinions out there as facts. Every family is different, and they all do the best they can for their family.

 

[Laura]

I don't know the answer, but I responded on the thread you are referring to and I think, based on conversations and interactions with moms, that it stems from insecurities on the part of both WOHM and SAHM who are not entirely comfortable with their decisions/situations. Think about it, if you were 100% happy with the decision you made and felt fulfilled in whatever role you play, there would be no need to tear someone else down to make yourself feel better.

Very well said. I think there's a lot of guilt, too. No matter which decision one makes, a mom can feel guilty about it!

We have a unique situation because I do contract work from home but can work odd hours (nights and weekends) so I consider myself a SAHM. I returned to the workplace when DD was 8 months old and she went to the daycare in my building 3 days a week. Honestly, we didn't look anywhere else because I was nursing and the convenience of having her with me so I could nurse a few times a day was worth it. I had a good friend who sent her children there and loved it. It was located in a state office building and the kids' parents were judges, lawyers, elected officials etc so I *thought* it was a good place. And you know what, it might have been for some people but it was not a good fit for us. DD was in the infant room and I went down to nurse 2-3 times a day and they, including the nurse on staff, gave me a heck of a time for it. It disrupted their "routine." One day I went down to nurse DD and discovered she had been sleeping since the last time I went to nurse (3.5 hrs earlier) and had not been fed lunch!!! I flipped my lid. Logically it made sense. Why wake a sleeping baby, especially when you have several others to care for and may have greater needs but it was totally unacceptable. Another time they gave her oatmeal that was not meant for her and she got sick. It lasted 5 weeks before I quit my job.

Granted, this was MY experience and I know there are daycare providers out there that do not fit this description......bottom line, everyone has to make a choice based on what is best for them and their family. The most important thing is that we all love our children and do what is in their best interest...

Wow! My DD's daycare is in my office building, but they never even once gave me a hard time when I went down to nurse (she's now 18 months and has been weaned). Nor do they give me a hard time when I come over to visit twice a day. Heck, they're probably happy to see another adult! I am very fortunate that DD is at this daycare and that I can go visit her whenever or be there right away if something's wrong.



Every daycare is different. My DD's infant room was (and is) a great place. They do tons of activities, go on field trips, have people come in (music, tumbling, the local science center brought some frogs a couple of weeks ago). They teach DD to be a good citizen. She's going to learn sharing--someday!--which she would have a harder time doing with a stay-at-home parent since she's going to be an only child. And they have a heck of a lot more toys than we could ever buy! She loves playing with other kids, and she's very well socialized. She knows some sign language (she still can't say the word "milk" but she can sign it), which has been VERY helpful.

One of DD's infant room teachers found a new job in another field just as DD was about to move up to the toddler room, and while I'm sure this teacher appreciates her bigger salary, she sent me an e-mail this week asking for more pics of DD and offering free babysitting services. She misses the kids a lot. One of DD's new teachers in her new toddler classroom has a Master's degree in educational something or other (I forget exactly), and speaks four languages. Talk about overqualified! I am so lucky this daycare exists, and I know it.

When any parent makes a decision that considers their children's best interest, who am I to judge?

 

[Momvic5]

One of the reasons I saw daycare as a negative for my family was because my work schedule would have been a 9-5 schedule, and I just didn't like the idea of my children having to live a 9-5 schedule starting at infancy. My negative thoughts had nothing to do with daycare itself...it was more about what I wanted for my children and the amount of time that they would have been in the daycare.

 

[MrsPete]

Something someone mention on another thread, and really don't want to start a debate but am curious - why do some people find daycare such a negative thing.

Some people put down other people's choices to validate their own decisions. Obviously we each think we made the best choice, given our circumstances, but insulting someone else's choices is not rational. Just as saying, "Wow, she's really put on weight" doesn't make you any thinner, saying, "I would never put my child in day care" doesn't improve your child's care at home. Your child is getting the experiences that you've chosen. They're not the same as someone else's choices, but that doesn't mean someone else chose poorly.

Speaking only for myself and my children, we used daycare when they were small, and it was a good experience. We were fortunate to find excellent day care options, and our girls thrived there. They did crafts every day, played at the park every day -- they wouldn't have done those things daily at home. I made enough money that it was worthwhile for me to go to work, and those years of income really made a difference in our retirement /college accounts -- and I've built up years towards my pension and quarters towards my social security. We were often exhausted, but that would've been true if I'd been at home with them full-time too. If I could go back in time -- with the same circumstances and same choices presented to me -- I'd make the same choices.

Now that my kids are teenagers, they're happy and healthy. They both excel in school and in their social lives. They've had little teenaged angst, and they show evidence of having picked up good values along the way. Obviously, we did something right when they were younger.

 

[Mermaid02]

I hated, hated, hated daycare when I was a kid. I went to several different ones, I remember bawling daily that I just wanted to go home. It was an awful feeling.

This was my experience too. Nobody ever mistreated me, but I never felt like anyone wanted me around. I was a paycheck.

Nobody is going to love and treat your child the way you do- I guess if you find childcare you have to decide if the differences are acceptable to you.

 

[disfan07]

I worked in the preschool/daycare program at the Jewish Community Center in Northern Virginia. If you want an amazing daycare or preschool for a child the JCCs across the country are amazing. I think one of the great things about a daycare or preschool can be the exposure to diversity so early in life. Obviously, not all daycares are like that but my 3 year old class alone had a child from nigeria, two form china, one from korea, one from argentina, and one from russia. The children learn to trust other people early, they learn to share, they learn socially. I think daycare can be an amazing expereince and can be much better than being at home all the time.


At our daycare, a lot of the time, both parents worked because of job security. There is no such thing as a secure job in this economy and a lot of parents thinking was, well what happens if the sole supporter of this family loses their job? If both worked, and one lost their job, at least they still had the other income. I had 15 kids in my preschool class. In a span of 4 months I saw 6 parents lose their jobs. But they were still able to survive on the other parents salary. A lot of moms dont want to risk having to try to get back into the work force in a istuation like that. They would rather know that they have a steady income just in case. Also, amazing as it sounds to some people, a lot of women like to work. A lot of women can't understand that. I dont have kids yet but I plan on working after I have kids. I want a family but I also am not planning on spending 5 years in graduate school to not work. That and I could never not work. It would drive me crazy.

I will never understand why people are so against daycare but I will also never understand why some people are so against having a babysitter occasionally until their children are in like elementary school. That one doesnt make sense to me either.

When I have kids I plan on using daycare as well as babysitters for the occassional date night. If that makes me a bad mother...so be it.

 

[MrsPete]

This was my experience too. Nobody ever mistreated me, but I never felt like anyone wanted me around. I was a paycheck.

That's funny because there was a daycare across the alley from my house when I was young (pre-school), and I always wanted to go there. I'd be out in the backyard by myself, playing on my one swing or in my playhouse . . . and I'd see them over there playing with friends on their great playground equipment . . . and I wanted to go!

Later, when I started school, I told myself that if I'd gone to daycare I wouldn't have been so shy. That I wouldn't learned to talk to people. True or false? I dunno, but it's what I told myself in 1st and 2nd grade.

I know that my own daughters enjoyed day care. When I'd go pick them up, they always ran to me and were glad that I was there, but they often wanted me to stay 10-15 minutes with them on the playground (being a teacher, I always seemed to pick-up 3:00 or 3:30, when they were outside), and they'd always insist on taking me back to the room to show me the finger painting they'd made that day. And they always had stories about playing with so-and-so or such-and-such toys. Oh, occasionally there'd be a bad story: Like the day my youngest threw sand into a little girl's eyes (on purpose) and she was punished by being made to sit on the green bench. Or the day that I went to pick her up, and she was sopping wet and crying -- she'd stuck her head through the bars of a piece of playground equipment, and they'd been forced to soap her down to get her head to slide back through. But most days they were full of happy chatter when I picked them up.

If they'd not been thriving, I would've changed courses.

 

[Wishing on a star]

A tiny young child is not bored or lonely 'because he is not in daycare'....

An older child is not bored or lonely 'because they are not in daycare'...

Those are two very false and unfounded assumptions.
My son was at home, being raised and cared for....
At no time did he spend days bored, alone, and lonely...

Due to my son's learning disabiliies, and the absolutely horrid public schools here... We are homeschooling.... Again, my son does not sit around all day at home in the back yard, alone, and lonely. In fact, we, and he, have been so busy that it makes my head spin. Right now, he is off with the Scouts on a Kayaking trip.

Personally, I tried some very part time day-care for my son...
NO WAY, NO HOW, would it ever have been a good thing for my son to be in these institutionalized settings all week. No question... No apologies...
Even today, we see the big groups of summer-care program kids when we are out...
My son would tell you, without a doubt, that he would not want to be a part of that experience.

I know that there may be those very few absolutely wonderful daycare experiences out there. But, IMHO... a lot of the time, the only way that day care is better than parents, is when there are disengaged parents who don't really enjoy and wish to spend time and effort parenting.

 

[Becky2005]

I don't understand why, in 2010, women are still debating this topic and judging each other for the choices they have made. And make no mistake, those judgements come from women on both sides of the issue.

Why do so many women seem to be incapable of supporting other women's choices?

I don't get the debate at all...I suppose since I've been on BOTH sides of the fence. Everyone does whatever works for their families. Actually, now that I think about it I've been on 3 sides of the fence. About the only option I didn't use was a live-in nanny (although there are days I would love to have Alice around! ).

My mom watched my oldest full-time since she had just got laid off work but I paid her to do so. Then DD went to daycare part-time, then my niece was born & my mom didn't want to watch 2 little ones, so DD went into daycare full-time. Then my son was born & he was in daycare part-time also but my mom gave me a notice that when my dad retired she was done babysitting -- so he was going to have to go full-time. My DH made good money at the time and with the cost of 2 children in daycare full-time I quit the year before my DD went to Kindergarten.

I actually wonder how full-time working parents handled school-aged children more than I did the younger ones. I'm pretty sure I would be up a creek without a paddle for some of the situations & I helped out many a neighbor who was in a jam for after-school (our school didn't offer after school care until just last year and Kindergarteners weren't eligible since we only have 1/2 day Kindergarten -- if they were afternoon they could do after-school care or if they were morning they could do before-school care but not the in-between). Our school has an insane amount of 1/2 days and then weird "they go for 1 hour" situations.

I just went back this May part-time since my DH had been laid off since January (thankfully now at a full-time job) and I've done it in such a way that I don't have to do before/after-school care but I have been known to use Grandma to get us out of a jam (thankfully they live close-by & are usually able to help with enough notice).

 

[Wishing on a star]

Why do so many women seem to be incapable of supporting other women's choices?

I think this is the million dollar question!!!!

 

[MrsPete]

Even today, we see the big groups of summer-care program kids when we are out...
My son would tell you, without a doubt, that he would not want to be a part of that experience.

In all fairness, summer program groups tend to be made up of school-aged children, and that's a different subject. The older kids are in larger numbers, and their activities tend to be very different from those of pre-school children.

I know that there may be those very few absolutely wonderful daycare experiences out there. But, IMHO... a lot of the time, the only way that day care is better than parents, is when there are disengaged parents who don't really enjoy and wish to spend time and effort parenting.

I disagree. There's more than a few wonderful daycares out there. And kids who come from loving homes can enjoy time there. Mine certainly did, and I felt that they had the best of everything: A variety of activities and experiences at day care and time with friends, becoming a little more independent, AND two loving parents at home who were very much engaged in raising them.

You may've chosen not to use those excellent day cares, but that doesn't mean they aren't out there!

I certainly agree that children who are born into families with disengaged parents who don't have a clue benefit MOST from day care, but those are the kids who are also most in need of help.

 

[Tasha+Scott]

I think this whole debate is just silly.

I have done the SAHM thing and now I am a working mom. I have stayed home with both at some point and I have also sent both kids to daycare at some point. My oldest has also gone to preschool and is now in Kindergarten. There were good points and bad points to staying home and there are good points and bad points to being a working parent. In both cases, I have done what is right for MY family at the time. My kids have always been happy, loved, and well cared for by both dh and myself no matter what my working or staying home status was at the time. You could spend 1 minute with either of my kids and see that.

I could sit here and debate why being a SAHM is a great choice or I could sit here and debate why being a working parent is a great choice, as both have been great choices for me at some point, but I feel no need. I am content with the decisions I have made for my family and I don't feel I need to justify it. As I said, I see how happy and loved my kids feel by my dh and myself and that's all the justification I've ever needed for any of my decisions regarding them. My family is the most important thing in my life and they know it.

I think as long as someone feels the way I do and KNOWS that their decision is right for THEIR family then there is no need to justify it to someone, especially a bunch of strangers online who have no idea about that person or their family dynamic.

I feel no need to tear someone down on here for being a SAHM or being a working mom. I know that most of the people on here love their kids plenty and are doing just as I am and what is right for their family and their situation and, quite honestly, it's noone else's business but theirs and noone truly has any right to be so judgmental.

I guess you could say that I simply choose to support other moms/parents in general.

 

[Saphire]

Something someone mention on another thread, and really don't want to start a debate but am curious - why do some people find daycare such a negative thing.

I don't have time to read any resposes, so can't comment on those. But I wanted to reply to your original question.

I found day care a negative thing because: just the thought of being seperated from my baby for hours in a day caused me sadness and distress. I just wanted to be with him. No 'job' would ever be worth the seperation.

The way we managed was that I worked weekends, while my husband was home with our children. Now that they are grown, I sometimes feel bad about the weekends I missed! Time goes by so fast.

You must do what is right for you and your family, and it sounds like you have a great arrangement.
__________________

 

[Chelley00]

Why do so many women seem to be incapable of supporting other women's choices?

Because so many people think there way is the ONLY way, and just don't want to think there just might be a way that is different, but just as good.

 

[LaraK]

Eh, I could care less what other people think. My kids have been in daycare since they were infants...we've had a couple of issues here and there, but overall two big thumbs up for what they've gotten out of their programs.

Do they have to do things at the time the centers dictate? Sure, but I have to go to meetings at work at the times that are dictated too...I consider learning some conformity a great life lesson.

Most importantly, their mom hasn't been locked up in the loony bin yet, which I can assure you would have happened had I stayed at home with them. I recall being on maternity leave with my second and going to the mall playground so my oldest could play for a while. There was an intense conversation going on about the color and odor of baby poop...it involved quite the debate and went on for over a half an hour. I felt my brain cells melting away and began looking for a hot poker to stick in my eye. I am just SO not the at home mom type. I think mommy being happy is an essential ingredient to the kids being happy.

 

[Laura]

That's funny because there was a daycare across the alley from my house when I was young (pre-school), and I always wanted to go there. I'd be out in the backyard by myself, playing on my one swing or in my playhouse . . . and I'd see them over there playing with friends on their great playground equipment . . . and I wanted to go!

Later, when I started school, I told myself that if I'd gone to daycare I wouldn't have been so shy. That I wouldn't learned to talk to people. True or false? I dunno, but it's what I told myself in 1st and 2nd grade.

I know that my own daughters enjoyed day care. When I'd go pick them up, they always ran to me and were glad that I was there, but they often wanted me to stay 10-15 minutes with them on the playground (being a teacher, I always seemed to pick-up 3:00 or 3:30, when they were outside), and they'd always insist on taking me back to the room to show me the finger painting they'd made that day. And they always had stories about playing with so-and-so or such-and-such toys. Oh, occasionally there'd be a bad story: Like the day my youngest threw sand into a little girl's eyes (on purpose) and she was punished by being made to sit on the green bench. Or the day that I went to pick her up, and she was sopping wet and crying -- she'd stuck her head through the bars of a piece of playground equipment, and they'd been forced to soap her down to get her head to slide back through. But most days they were full of happy chatter when I picked them up.

If they'd not been thriving, I would've changed courses.

Exactly. My DH went to daycare as a kid. He's definitely more outgoing than I am, and I was raised by a stay-at-home mom. Of course, that may just be our personalities and I would still be shy had I gone to daycare.

My DD definitely loves her "school". She would act excited even as an infant when we walked down the hall to her class (she used to make this "hoo hoo" noise when she was happy about something). She was glad to see her friends and her teachers and play with all the fun toys. One time I picked her up in the other infant room (there are two) and she didn't want to leave. They had different toys and different kids! I literally dragged her out of there kicking and screaming. She was very displeased with mommy.

And yes, there are bad days. Especially when she got sick a couple of months ago--ear infection AND gastroenteritis, poor thing. But the good days outweigh the bad.