Why do people "one-up" your bad news? w/clarification post #23!

[FLAngie]

I am truly sorry about your dog.

Count me in the camp as one whose intent is not to one up you, or anyone, by sharing what I have been through with my beloved dogs but rather to express that I completely empathize with what you may be facing. Not knowing me from Adam I might, and did, briefly share my circumstances so that you could see that I'm not just "blowing smoke" as it were. I am truly saddened by the choices you will have to be making and the loss to your family.

I hope things are better for you tomorrow.

Ditto. I posted on the other thread to you as well. I was not trying to "one up you" but to only let you know that there are others out here who have gone though similar losses and truly want to offer you and your DH support and well wishes.

 

[Nie0214]

There's a girl in my office who one-ups everything. Drives me batty sometimes.

I'm sorry for your dog.

 

[Jennasis]

Oh dear heaven's NO!!! I wasn't referring to those who shared their pet loss stories with me at all!!! I truly appreciate each and every one of you who took the time to send your thoughts and sympathy my way, and hearing about how each of you grieved over the loss of your pet does indeed remind me that I am not the only one to ever go through this.

I am so sorry if any of you thought I was talking about you!!! Really I am!

I was just kvetching about the two people who shot me down with their "My fish is bigger than your fish" stories. I was telling them about my ailing dog and they replied that their relatives had just died or were dying (which DOES actually trumpy my dying dog) and made me feel bad for being upset when at least no humans in my life were dying.

Thank you guys for sharing your pet stories with me. I needed that boost badly yesterday!

 

[Magic Mom]

I'm sorry to hear about your dog, Jennasis. (((((hugs)))))

 

[C.Ann]

uh, no, no it can't.

It sounds like the people the OP is pissed at, were just making normal conversation but the OP wanted it to be all about HER and HER pain. Strange.

Ouch! For childless couples who are not childless by choice, their pets are their "children".. Love is love and loss is loss..

 

[gonzo76]

Ouch! For childless couples who are not childless by choice, their pets are their "children".. Love is love and loss is loss..

 

[Beca]

Just a thought.....but, maybe those people were not trying to one-up your pain, but by comparing your pain to the pain they are going thru with people in their lives, maybe they are trying to recognize how great your pain must be. I mean, it is certainly no insult to your loss to compare the loss of your dog to the loss of a family member. I'm just trying to give them the benefit of the doubt. Of course, I wasn't there....and maybe the tone made it impossible for you to see this in any other light...I'm just trying to be helpful.

I realized when I wrote this, that I do that sometimes, too. I hope others do not take it badly, it really is my way of trying to make people feel less alone in their pain, and maybe giving them the opportunity to open up to me a bit more. For example, one of my dd's friends was just diagnosed with diabetes. Her mom wrote to let me know how scared they were. I shared a story about how my dh was diagnosed last fall, and even though we were scared....it has not been as bad/scary as we thought. I prefaced that the disease can be harder to stabilize in children, but let her know that there are lots of people who struggle with this, and are able to live pretty normal lives. Now, I hope she did not think I was dismissing her dd's illness.

 

[Jennasis]

It's possible I'm overly sensitive....aside from having Aunt Flo visiting (about an hour after I got home from the vet's office no less!) but the news in general really threw me for a loop. One of my clients saw me in the barn yesterday...their dog is suffering from Mega-esophagus and has been doing terribly. She heard about our dog, never said one word and just walked right up and threw her arms around me and hugged me.

 

[Beca]

It's possible I'm overly sensitive....aside from having Aunt Flo visiting (about an hour after I got home from the vet's office no less!) but the news in general really threw me for a loop. One of my clients saw me in the barn yesterday...their dog is suffering from Mega-esophagus and has been doing terribly. She heard about our dog, never said one word and just walked right up and threw her arms around me and hugged me.

I'm sorry....I certainly didn't mean to imply that you are being overly sensitivie....this is a really hard time for you!! My dog died 3 years ago, and I still cry when someone talks about her (see...there I go telling you my probs again ). I was just trying to give another motive for why people say things like that. I'm sorry if I made you feel badly.

 

[Belle0101]

It's possible I'm overly sensitive....aside from having Aunt Flo visiting (about an hour after I got home from the vet's office no less!) but the news in general really threw me for a loop. One of my clients saw me in the barn yesterday...their dog is suffering from Mega-esophagus and has been doing terribly. She heard about our dog, never said one word and just walked right up and threw her arms around me and hugged me.

I don't know that I'd go so far as to say you're oversensitive. I mean Aunt Flo alone is enough then with the news you were given and having to relay it to your husband ... you had quite a bit on your plate yesterday.

I'm one of those touchy feely type emotional people - my sister is the exact polar opposite of me - so if I had heard your news in person I would have probably started crying right along with you. Then again I have to be careful of the movies and TV shows I watch, commercials too, because I will cry at the drop of a hat.

We all have different gifts and some people maybe just don't do well with empathy and sympathy. I know if you catch me on a bad day I could be mistaken for a cold uncaring person. I'm really quite the opposite.

 

[laurie31]

Just a thought.....but, maybe those people were not trying to one-up your pain, but by comparing your pain to the pain they are going thru with people in their lives, maybe they are trying to recognize how great your pain must be. I mean, it is certainly no insult to your loss to compare the loss of your dog to the loss of a family member. I'm just trying to give them the benefit of the doubt. Of course, I wasn't there....and maybe the tone made it impossible for you to see this in any other light...I'm just trying to be helpful.

I realized when I wrote this, that I do that sometimes, too. I hope others do not take it badly, it really is my way of trying to make people feel less alone in their pain, and maybe giving them the opportunity to open up to me a bit more. For example, one of my dd's friends was just diagnosed with diabetes. Her mom wrote to let me know how scared they were. I shared a story about how my dh was diagnosed last fall, and even though we were scared....it has not been as bad/scary as we thought. I prefaced that the disease can be harder to stabilize in children, but let her know that there are lots of people who struggle with this, and are able to live pretty normal lives. Now, I hope she did not think I was dismissing her dd's illness.

I think there's an attitude that goes with the thing the OP described. I do understand that there are those who truly have no clue what to say, but I've experienced this and it feels like they're saying, "Oh yeah? So what! *I* had THIS(insert even more terrible thing) happen to ME."

BTW, I would have taken your sharing your experience with diabetes as support and hope, not "one-upping." If you had said something like was said to Minkydog about her miscarriage, that would have offended me, but I think what you said was nice. You have personal experience with the same disease. It was like those who shared their stories of sick dogs in support for the OP. It's more of a "Hey, I've been there too, and I know what it's like," (which is comforting and sympathetic) not a "Well, that's nothing compared to what I've been through."

 

[Jennasis]

I think there's an attitude that goes with the thing the OP described. I do understand that there are those who truly have no clue what to say, but I've experienced this and it feels like they're saying, "Oh yeah? So what! *I* had THIS(insert even more terrible thing) happen to ME."

BTW, I would have taken your sharing your experience with diabetes as support and hope, not "one-upping." If you had said something like was said to Minkydog about her miscarriage, that would have offended me, but I think what you said was nice. You have personal experience with the same disease. It was like those who shared their stories of sick dogs in support for the OP. It's more of a "Hey, I've been there too, and I know what it's like," (which is comforting and sympathetic) not a "Well, that's nothing compared to what I've been through."

Yes..this.