Why Do I Suddenly Want A Ring? UPDATE POST 30

[wilderness01]

 

[GothTink]

 

[MainStMandy]

 

[sunnyday123]

please keep us posted.

 

[sorcerormickey]

Well, I am supposed to go pick him up from the airport, but I just cannot do it. I told him yesterday that I would not be coming and to make other arrangements...he thinks I am joking and that I will be there. It just hurts too much.

I spoke to him briefly yeaterday and he agreed to move to the spare bedroom so I don't have to. That's good since I was in no shape to do any moving of stuff today - just laid in bed and cried. I haven't really been able to stop crying since it happened.

 

[sunnyday123]

I am so sorry.

We are all here if it helps to vent.

 

[sunnyday123]

Well, I am supposed to go pick him up from the airport, but I just cannot do it. I told him yesterday that I would not be coming and to make other arrangements...he thinks I am joking and that I will be there. It just hurts too much.

I spoke to him briefly yeaterday and he agreed to move to the spare bedroom so I don't have to. That's good since I was in no shape to do any moving of stuff today - just laid in bed and cried. I haven't really been able to stop crying since it happened.

Can he move out of the house? It seems really unfair of him to stay there and put you through this.

 

[*Seanaci*]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Married or not, the pain is the same. Just keep your chin up and know that better days will come around.

Also, I suggest contacting a divorce lawyer asap just to ask where you stand. Living together, owning property together for 15 years might have some legal bearing for a common law marriage and you may be entitled to some spousal benefits.

First of all, hugs to the OP. So sorry you're going through this.

Also, ditto the bold. I know in Colorado all it takes is like 6 months of living together and having a bank account together and your considered common law married.

 

[sorcerormickey]

Can he move out of the house? It seems really unfair of him to stay there and put you through this.

I would never do that to him. We moved down here together and neither of us has anywhere to go until we sell the house. This house is more than big enough that he can stay at one end and I at the other.

 

[sunnyday123]

I would never do that to him. We moved down here together and neither of us has anywhere to go until we sell the house. This house is more than big enough that he can stay at one end and I at the other.

But what about what he did to you?

 

[MainStMandy]

I would never do that to him. We moved down here together and neither of us has anywhere to go until we sell the house. This house is more than big enough that he can stay at one end and I at the other.

But I agree...what about what he did to you? And over the phone no less...

 

[Disney Doll]

What possible choice could he have had to make that wouldn't include you after 15 years together???!!!!!

 

[NeverlandClub23]

We're all here for you. I know it helps to have a place to get everything inside out. It would be hard to not be there for him because you still love him but you need to do what's best for you.

 

[sorcerormickey]

It would be hard to not be there for him because you still love him but you need to do what's best for you.

I guess it would be different if we were still in Michigan and I knew he could go stay with his mom or one of his brothers, but neither he nor I would have anywhere to go if we moved out. Neither one of us could afford to keep up the house without the other, and really could not afford an apartment or something in addition to the house.

 

[Briarmom]

After 15 years, he broke up with you over the phone?
I'm so sorry.

 

[Imzadi]

Wow! Many to you. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

If anything, I thought in the end, maybe you'd be the one to initiate a breakup. People grow & change. You both have been together since, what, 18 or 20-ish? That's a very young age to make such a longterm choice. Also very young to make a belief like both you and BF never want to get married. (Or at least a deeper form of commitment.)

You both were teens back then. It's actually natural for people in their 30's to start re-evaluating their life choices, beliefs and identity that they made & had since their teens and their 20's. People rarely stick with the decisions they made at such a young age. The philosopher, Socrates, said, "An unexamined life is not worth living." People grow or stagnate. Relationships need to grow or stagnate in alignment.

Either, unconsciously you felt him drifting away, and you suddenly wanted a promise ring as reassurance, or you've grown & changed and wanted more and he's unable to give it to you. He was right when he said the relationship came to a place where a choice had to be made, and he's realised he's no longer in alignment with you. Sorry.

As for you, although you don't feel it now, you are incredibly strong. You're heart ached for something it knows you deserve to have. If you weren't so strong a spirit, to have handled this possible ending, you would have ignored the ache. Instead, you trusted & listened to your heart.

While "someday" seems unfathomable now, as you just try to make it through today, know that someday, you'll love again. You'll be loved again. It will be the right love for you, as a stronger someone in your 30's, not the you of your teens & 20's. I'm not denegrating the love & relationship you had.

I agree with The Mystery Machine when she said you both came together when you both had the same beliefs. People attract that which is at their own level. And that was who you both were at the time & for 15 years.

This is probably your first major breakup, especially of this magnitude. Go really slow with yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Don't make any major decisions. Comfort yourself a lot. Buy some chocolate, lots of comfort foods, and do some nurturing things for yourself.

I suggest you pick up this book right away. It is THE handbook after a breakup or severe loss. You need time to grieve. This is written is short passages, which is about all you can handle. It is so soothing & comforting as it helps you go through the process & helps you understand what you are going through right now:

How to Survive the Loss of a Love - Make sure you get the Melba Colgrove version. There is another book out with the same title, that's not the right book. The Melba Colgrove version is. There is a little excerpt on Amazon.

And I agree with you for not picking him up from the airport. This isn't about revenge. I understand he still has to live in the same house with you for now. It sounds like you're trying to handle this amicably, even though you are in immense pain. But, as a single person, especially the one who made the life choice, he's got start living as a single person now. And that means finding his own (single) way from the airport. You aren't his chauffeur or his maid or his cook anymore.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

After 15 years, he broke up with you over the phone?
I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry but didn't you see this coming?
If you look back now did you have any hints?

The living under the same roof is unfair for both of you & just dragging out a long painful process. I think you should both look for different housing, it's the much healthier thing to do.