Why do holidays bring out the worst in families?

[Ciciwoowoo]

Our family has being going through all sorts of drama the past month or so because of the annual Christmas Eve family party and gift exchange! Things have gotten really blown up over pretty silly reasons. Even my son can see how silly the grown ups are being!

Its comforting to come here and read that my family isn't the only one behaving this way. How do so many people forget that the holidays are about peace and love and the great feelings one experiences this time of year? Here's hoping that people can let the little stuff go and the holidays will indeed be happy!

 

[omghidanielle]

I agree! It's silly.

for you

 

[Plannin'Shannon]

I can empathize. The holiday season certainly seems to bring out the worst in people.

Be the example of peace and love that your family needs. Merry Christmas!

 

[KandD]

I think one of the problems (at least in our family) is that people feel obligated to do things and then they feel resentful (its a harsh word but I can't think of another word to use) that they HAVE to do these things. Really we don't HAVE to do them but we feel too guilty not to (even though all the drama comes with it).
Thats my take on it but I am sure it is different in everyone's families.

 

[wenrob]

This is why we no longer 'celebrate' with extended family. I have all year to let the people I love know I appreciate them and therefore don't have to bring the ones that don't get along together for holiday drama. Sounds scroogy but my Christmas is now a peaceful, happy event for my little family.

 

[smkiya]

I think one of the problems (at least in our family) is that people feel obligated to do things and then they feel resentful (its a harsh word but I can't think of another word to use) that they HAVE to do these things. Really we don't HAVE to do them but we feel too guilty not to (even though all the drama comes with it).
Thats my take on it but I am sure it is different in everyone's families.

I agree. I could walk into my families house on Christmas with no gifts for anyone and never feel guilty, out of place, or like a cheapskate. We'd have a great time playing games, watching movies, laughing. If I walked into dh's family's house without anything, it would be VERY awkward, and dh would hear about it. His mom, "you couldn't even get gifts for the kids? What do you do with you money?" Then we'd all sit around listening to dsil's new drama.

 

[Docwoods]

I agree.I blame those bleeping holiday songs.

 

[C.Ann]

Three things in life "bring out the worst" in many families: weddings; funerals; and Christmas..

I refuse to get stressed out at Christmas over what others "want" or "expect".. As soon as I got married, I/we decided what our Christmases would consist of and if others didn't approve, it was up to them to figure out how to "adjust" to it..

Over the years many things changed: how many people we would or wouldn't purchase gifts for; how much we would spend; what activities we would be involved in (and which ones we wouldn't); no leaving the house on Christmas day once I started having children; etc..

If people want to be miserable and play petty games during the holidays, they're free to give it their best shot - but I won't get sucked into it.. I have no room in my life for "Scrooges" - let them take it elsewhere..

I prefer to concentrate on the joyful side of the holidays - especially since Christmas is my favorite holiday of all - and just concentrate on being with people I enjoy..

The "drama" will never end until people who "are" stressed by it choose to make the necessary changes so they too can have a happy holiday season.. It's for sure that the "Scrooges" aren't going to be the ones to change..

 

[Angelhalo]

Thankfully never once in my 30 years have I experienced any Christmas drama.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Well a number of things can be occurring....

1. Family members realize where they fall in the pecking order...and that just cannot happen.

2. Family members--show their true colors, so it may bring out some of the worst in others who find such behavior unacceptable--and thus the many vent threads that appear here over the holidays.

3. Family members are trying to force a harmony that just is not there much to the annoyance of the family that cannot say no.


I have to admit that I am going back and forth between bah humbug and Christmas cheer.

 

[runwad]

I think one of the problems (at least in our family) is that people feel obligated to do things and then they feel resentful (its a harsh word but I can't think of another word to use) that they HAVE to do these things. Really we don't HAVE to do them but we feel too guilty not to (even though all the drama comes with it).
Thats my take on it but I am sure it is different in everyone's families.

You have totally hit the nail on the head for me! Both of my parents are gone and I kinda feel like I should be able to do my own thing. But I have 4 other siblings and feel I'm obligated to keep doing what we've always been doing. Plus I feel my parents would be scolding me from above for breaking family tradition.

 

[muffyn]

ahhh family

our BIG extended family has had its problems over the years .. after one LONG argument of picking names for christmas , one thanksgiving.. we just quit doing it ( over 50 family members were in the swap).

this year...... my husbands brother is dying from cancer. they say he will not make it to christmas.. I am just waiting for the phone to ring.
we have no idea what tomorrow will bring, as we always have a family gathering at someones house christmas eve.

lately when I hear even a grumble between someone in the family ,, I remind them "it could be worse" would you really want this last argument over a _______ be the last thing you would ever talk about? think about it..........

 

[Ciciwoowoo]

ahhh family

our BIG extended family has had its problems over the years .. after one LONG argument of picking names for christmas , one thanksgiving.. we just quit doing it ( over 50 family members were in the swap).

this year...... my husbands brother is dying from cancer. they say he will not make it to christmas.. I am just waiting for the phone to ring.
we have no idea what tomorrow will bring, as we always have a family gathering at someones house christmas eve.

lately when I hear even a grumble between someone in the family ,, I remind them "it could be worse" would you really want this last argument over a _______ be the last thing you would ever talk about? think about it..........

For you and your family. What an awful thing to happen. You really do put it into perspective, though. I often wonder if all this resentment stems from the fact that my Grandma passed away in Christmas 1998. I know its been 11 years, but she was the center of Christmas and once she was gone, we were all rather lost. It truly has been sort of a power struggle between the daughters. In the meantime, the children of these daughters (of which, I am one) have heard all the negativity. It has become an obligation, instead of a fun event.

I do send prayers for your husband's brother, that his passing is as peaceful as possible. I am sure today will be hard for your family, so I send prayers for you too!

 

[Disney Doll]

It brings out the worst in people because Hallmark and society have decided that there is a way we "need" to do Christmas and we feel badly if we don't do it that way.

BTW, C.Ann, I agree with you about the 3 things that bring out the worst in families...I have to laugh because this year we have Christmas and then my niece's wedding on December 27th!!!! Crazy SisIL has just arrived from out fo town...need I say more???????????

 

[pandora174]

This is why we no longer 'celebrate' with extended family. I have all year to let the people I love know I appreciate them and therefore don't have to bring the ones that don't get along together for holiday drama. Sounds scroogy but my Christmas is now a peaceful, happy event for my little family.

You are so right !! I tried for many years & it still sometimes gets under my skin but I'm learning to let it go. Christmas with DH, DS & our dog for the last 3 years has been wonderful ! No drama & they have tried. Let's see last night BIL was supposed to drop by but called at 11 pm to tell us he couldn't make it. I usually would tell DS (it's his favorite uncle) but I didn't b/c BIL has done this before & left DS waiting by the window. My own sister sent me a FB note (no call) that my DS b-day present & our Christmas presents are at "her" house & when are "we" going to pick them up ? I told her "well since his b-day was Dec 13th & this week is Christmas, I'll see when we get a chance before he starts flag football." No reply so far

 

[luvsJack]

I promise I really am not meaning to judge any of you, but on this Christmas eve: please, remember they may not be the greatest family in the world, they may not always do what you would wish for them to do; but they are the only family you have. Unless it is an abusive relationship, cherish them.

When my father was alive, yes he show favoritism to my oldest son (and at the time it made me mad); I would give the world to see that light in my son's eyes again when he and grandpa talked about baseball for ds to be able to share the Saints' season with his grandpa.

My brother did things that made me want to scream! But I would love to be able to get that mad at him just one more time. and sadly my brother's son died just a year ago and now db's wife may not live another year. This will be such a hard year on their daughter. And each year Christmas is going to be so hard on her--it will be a long time before she sees it as a really joyous holiday.

So, please, give that frustrating family member a hug and tell them you love them. Accept them as they are--warts and all and just enjoy the time you have with them because, I promise you, its too short.

Ok, off to see my very aggravating but still much loved in-laws.

 

[Ciciwoowoo]

I promise I really am not meaning to judge any of you, but on this Christmas eve: please, remember they may not be the greatest family in the world, they may not always do what you would wish for them to do; but they are the only family you have. Unless it is an abusive relationship, cherish them.

When my father was alive, yes he show favoritism to my oldest son (and at the time it made me mad); I would give the world to see that light in my son's eyes again when he and grandpa talked about baseball for ds to be able to share the Saints' season with his grandpa.

My brother did things that made me want to scream! But I would love to be able to get that mad at him just one more time. and sadly my brother's son died just a year ago and now db's wife may not live another year. This will be such a hard year on their daughter. And each year Christmas is going to be so hard on her--it will be a long time before she sees it as a really joyous holiday.

So, please, give that frustrating family member a hug and tell them you love them. Accept them as they are--warts and all and just enjoy the time you have with them because, I promise you, its too short.

Ok, off to see my very aggravating but still much loved in-laws.

This brought tears to my eyes! It's so true; we love our family, despite their craziness. And we do miss those quirks when they are no longer there! I love your perspective... Merry Christmas to you!

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

I promise I really am not meaning to judge any of you, but on this Christmas eve: please, remember they may not be the greatest family in the world, they may not always do what you would wish for them to do; but they are the only family you have. Unless it is an abusive relationship, cherish them.

When my father was alive, yes he show favoritism to my oldest son (and at the time it made me mad); I would give the world to see that light in my son's eyes again when he and grandpa talked about baseball for ds to be able to share the Saints' season with his grandpa.

My brother did things that made me want to scream! But I would love to be able to get that mad at him just one more time. and sadly my brother's son died just a year ago and now db's wife may not live another year. This will be such a hard year on their daughter. And each year Christmas is going to be so hard on her--it will be a long time before she sees it as a really joyous holiday.

So, please, give that frustrating family member a hug and tell them you love them. Accept them as they are--warts and all and just enjoy the time you have with them because, I promise you, its too short.

Ok, off to see my very aggravating but still much loved in-laws.

Thanks luvsJack I think many us, me included, forget to appreciate our family even if we have to deal with drama.

 

[Lionqueen2]

I promise I really am not meaning to judge any of you, but on this Christmas eve: please, remember they may not be the greatest family in the world, they may not always do what you would wish for them to do; but they are the only family you have. Unless it is an abusive relationship, cherish them.

When my father was alive, yes he show favoritism to my oldest son (and at the time it made me mad); I would give the world to see that light in my son's eyes again when he and grandpa talked about baseball for ds to be able to share the Saints' season with his grandpa


My brother did things that made me want to scream! But I would love to be able to get that mad at him just one more time. and sadly my brother's son died just a year ago and now db's wife may not live another year. This will be such a hard year on their daughter. And each year Christmas is going to be so hard on her--it will be a long time before she sees it as a really joyous holiday.

So, please, give that frustrating family member a hug and tell them you love them. Accept them as they are--warts and all and just enjoy the time you have with them because, I promise you, its too short.

Ok, off to see my very aggravating but still much loved in-laws.

What a wonderful and touching message!