Why do grandparents play favorites? Do you put up with it?

[LindaG4458]

I was the first and favorite grandchild of eight. When I was four my parents were building a house and staying with my father's mother. There wasn't space for two kids (my brother was a baby) so I lived with my mother's parents and two of her siblings. I was spoiled rotten. Even after the house was finished and I moved back with my parents my grandmother would take me places and do things with me that the others didn't get to do. It wasn't fair, but that was the way it was.

When we all married I had no children. The middle brother had the first two grandchildren and the sun rose and set on them until the youngest had his first child. The pattern of my childhood replayed with this girl and her younger brother. They could do no wrong, they were wonderful, etc.

I tried talking to my mother about how unfair it was to behave this way. She wouldn't listen. The youngest brother wouldn't point out the favoritism. After all, he and his deserved it!

Looking back, my mother was her mother's favorite, so I, as her child, became the favorite grandchild. My mother, in turn, favored my youngest brother. My other brother, the middle child, bonded with our father.

An unfortunate side effect of this kind of thing: My grandmother died when I was 10 and my father 1.5 years later. We were then pushed into the roles of the people with whom we had bonded so strongly. I always said that my youngest brother was the only one who was allowed to remain a child.

 

[cteddiesgirl]

Absolutely, I'd call them on it.

I would not put up with it.

My kids do not need to learn the 'life is unfair' lesson from their grandparents, for crying out loud. Life itself will teach that lesson quite nicely, thank you very much.

I am also not going to have my kids learn the other lesson -- that they were not worth enough for me to stand up for them.

Exactly! My mom's parents had lots of grand children. And each and every one of us were special. Whenever we would visit, she'd fix the favorite food of each child. Whenever she made something for one child, she also made them for all the others.

My parents did the same for me and my sister. Every birthday and holiday, we'd get the same amount of presents. Rules for my sister were also rules for me. Even though she is 7 years older than me. Her HS graduation, she got a tv. My HS graduation, I also got a tv.

Were were always special in our own ways.

 

[nuttylawprofessor]

Thanks all. Really just needed to vent. The blah gift to the baby wasn't about her age. I'm sure that would be the excuse, but this crowd has already given a fair amount of evidence that they think less of the baby.

*sigh*

One thing is for sure, I know both of mine will take a back seat to the SIL's kids as soon as they come along (in the next month or so).

 

[jimmalru80]

They play faves because they want to, and yes, I put up with it. I fight the fights worth fighting for.

 

[chattyann]

My MIL passed away a few years ago but she definitely had her favorite and made no attempt to hide it. She had a total of 5 grandsons. She told me that she loved my boys but that my stepson, who I love as my own, was her pick. Did it bother me? Yes it did, but for the most part she would do for all three pretty much the same. I found out after she passed from my DSS that she made sure she would sneak him extra money and send extra things to my DSS house at his moms. Which if she was gonna do it that was best that way my boys weren't hurt by it.

 

[JodiR]

My MIL favors my dh's brother's kids. I don't know what to do about this.... she comes to my kids activities but never takes pictures. She will go to the other grandkids activities and take pictures. It bothers me. How do I approach this? I feel bad when her albums at home have very few pictures of my kids. My oldest (17) notices but my 12 year old doesn't realize it yet.

 

[Sheree Bobbins]

It's very painful when parents and grandparents have their favorites. Seeing that this happens to other people eases the pain a bit. We are not alone.

 

[DisneyKT]

I have talked about this on the boards before.

My DH is an only child so our 2 boys are all they are going to get. They haven't seen them in years. They LOVED our oldest and didn't like our youngest. They told us when the baby was 3 months old that our family was good until he came along??????? Anyway, they would do things with/for the oldest and not the youngest. WE told them that it was both or nothing. They made the decision not to see them

Wow that sucks... They will be better off not seeing them if thats the way they would treat them...

I am a grandmother and I tell my favourites all the time that they are my favourites. I tell my dd's and dsil's that their kids are my favourite and if you ask any of the grandkids they will tell you that they are one of the favourites. I have 3 favourite granddaughters and 1 grandson. They all know that they are the best. Of course I only have 3 granddaughters and 1 grandson..so all my grandkids are my favourite and I make sure they all know it.
tigercat

What a good grandmother...That is how my grandmother is. With all her 11 grandkids and 12 great grandkids. We all love her so much...

 

[MomofKatie]

My MIL favors her DD's 3 kids over my DD. It's hard to call her on it, though, because she lives only 15 mins away from her DD's family, babysits every day, sees them all the time, etc. We live 9 hours away, and she doesn't see my DD often. But, the favoritism is definitely there- when my DD got into the gifted program at school, we were told that "well, that really doesn't mean anything". When SIL's oldest got into a similar program, all of a sudden it was a WONDERFUL thing and "isn't little "Suzy" sooo smart? I'm a lucky Grandma to have such an advanced grandchild!"

She and my FIL visit once or twice a year, and she comments freely that DD is "such an only child- she thinks she can just break into our grown-up discussions! And her table manners are awful- and can't she keep her room clean?" It goes on and on. SIL's kids, of course, are the perfect little angels, to hear MIL talk about them. She tells us of all the fun things they get to do with them- but when we visit, MIL spends most of her time shushing DD for "talking too loud", and retreating to her room to read, leaving us to sit around in her house with nothing to do. MY DD really doesn't like to visit her Grandma and Granddad much (Granddad is wonderful, thank goodness, but Grandma is a royal pain).

It is hard to explain that to a kid, especially when she gets older and can really tell that Grandma likes her other grandkids better. We just tell DD that we love her, and that Grandma is missing out on knowing what a great kid she is.

 

[browneyes106]

I don't have kids. I have two nephews but my parents treat them equally. But when I was growing up my paternal grandmother always played favorites with my other cousins. I was left out of a lot of stuff.

 

[Sleepy]

But, the favoritism is definitely there- when my DD got into the gifted program at school, we were told that "well, that really doesn't mean anything". When SIL's oldest got into a similar program, all of a sudden it was a WONDERFUL thing and "isn't little "Suzy" sooo smart? I'm a lucky Grandma to have such an advanced grandchild!"

That is the thing about favoritism that bothers me the most (hurts more if it is a parent doing it to their own children). When 2 kids are in a similar situation (in your case, gifted program), it is "so so" for one, but a huge Harvard like Congratulations for the other. That is when favoritism is most obvious.

Sadly, it does not end with childhood. That floats on into adulthood. 2 adult children can be in a similar life situation. Unfavored adult child gets the "that is just the way it is, you have to take up the slack" speech, while the favored adult child gets an outpour of sympathy and fed a bunch of excuses as to why they are in that situation. There is never a speech about taking responsibility and picking up the slack. It always shifts to blaming someone else and leaving things undone because of the unfairness of the situation.

 

[Boxley]

I don't know.
On my maternal side, I was considered the favorite, I read a lot, stayed out of the way of trouble because I just didn't want to be in the middle of things and a lot of attention was put on me. I was the oldest so maybe that was it, I don't know.I knew I was the favorite and I was very uncomfortable about it because my cousins knew about it and I didn't want them not to like me because of this. Also, I knew my mother was angry about this and I just didn't like to see the drama. So, knowing there is favortism is very hard when you are trying to make friends with your cousins.

On my paternal side, I wasn't considered a favorite, but we all knew who was. This cousin would rub it in others face. For instance, it was my birthday and my grandparent told me happy birthday, I smiled and thanked them. My cousin rolled her eyes and said "She would not of said that if I didn't tell her it was your birthday, she never forgets MINE." So on that term, I knew I wasnt the favorite, but I knew my grandparent loved me anyways, I just didn't get the special term.

I don't know why grandparents find favorites, I think it is sad on the kids and can hurt into the childhood. Sometimes, the kids are not noticed as much because of the parents or for other reasons, it is horrible.

 

[Tiggernut_jadie]

My grandmother always had favorites -- one from each family. We always knew she had favorites and who they were, but that never affected the way she treated us. She was big on "if you give to one, you have to give to all" or if you had candy/treats "you'd better have enough for everyone or don't bring it out". She even had favorites among her great-grandchildren, but again, everyone got the same gifts/attention. She had favorites, but never played favorites, KWIM?

This sounds very reasonable to me. I can completely understand a situation where a grandparent treats all fairly, but may happen to have a special relationship w/ a certain grandchild or two because their personalities are particularly well-suited or perhaps a case of sharing a certain passion, maybe music, fishing, speed skating, what have you. If it doesn't spill into a situation where a kid is deliberately excluded or made to feel slighted, I see no reason why two people who share an interest in playing the violin can't enjoy spending time together sharing that hobby. Some people in life we just click with -- that's generally how we wind up with great friends.

NH

These posts kind of sum up my IL's perfectly. My DD is a very different personality to her cousins. They are both quite introverted and are really hard work to build a relationship with (they're 14 and 12 now). The youngest - a girl - was very clingy and whingy child when she was younger and my MIL found her hard work to play with...she never wanted to do anything but watch TV. My MIL is a very 'hands-on' person who loves baking, playing games in the yard etc so she found my neice difficult to build a relationship with. Her brother was very naughty and spiteful so again he was hard work.

Now my DD (who's 8) has always been 'Nanny's little helper' - she loves doing things with her Nan...baking, playing games, reading together etc so naturally they get on better than my MIL does with her other grandkids. This isn't an intentional 'favouritism' thing but more a mixing of like personalities as cabanafrau said above. My MIL has always tried to treat all the kids the sam - and I don't doubt she loves them all to bits - but she definitely has a better relationship with my DD than her cousins.

My FIL too seems to 'prefer' my DD - he's disabled and my SIL's kids aren't very affectionate so always had to be 'asked' to give him a kiss or hug whereas my DD is a very affectionate child who always makes time to go and see Grandad, sit on his lap and give him lots of hugs and kisses. I don't think I've had to prompt her to do this on more than a couple of occasions - she just loves her grandad to bits and chooses to sit with him and read (for example)...her cousins have never wanted to do this.

I realise and accept that I am totally biased but I do think my DD's personality makes her very likeable and my IL's seem to prefer her to her cousins.

 

[MoniqueU]

My MIL and Mom have thier favorites but don't play favorites if that makes sense. All gifts are equal, most time spent with kids is equal and they do their best.