Why do grandparents disappoint their grandchildren?

[BellvilleDad]

Neither my parents nor DW's parents favored either of my kids, DS11 & DD8. They take take up with them equally.

It is still somewhat common here in the rural south, though, for the sons to be favored. I know that when my grandfather passed away, he left most of his good (farm) property to his two sons and enough land to my mother for us to build a home on, and some other less valuable property. My uncle immeadiately sold the property they were given, but mom still has hers. That's a common theme around here, sad to say. It won't happen in my family, though!

 

[Liberty Belle]

I'm with the "why do grandparents have to go to everything" crowd. My kid's grandparents live away, but I can't even imagine inviting them to everything. The only thing we invite them to is big church things and even then, one set doesn't come. It's not because they don't love my kids. They're just not into "events" and not into church. Our feelings aren't hurt. If we lived closer, they'd probably come to something every once in a while but certainly not most.

I think it sounds like the parents are setting up the expectation, and might be putting that disappointment on their kids. I'd venture that there aren't THAT many grandparents at these events. It's not like everyone else has grandparents there and only one child doesn't.

If a child has a good enough relationship with grandparents to even CARE if they don't come to those things - that's a pretty good relationship IMO!

Sometimes I can barely tolerate sitting through some of my kid's programs. I can't imagine forcing someone else to!

That may be, but one you were raised a certain way and still have the same set of parents that are now your children's grandparents, you kind of expect things to be the same.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Neither my parents nor DW's parents favored either of my kids, DS11 & DD8. They take take up with them equally.

It is still somewhat common here in the rural south, though, for the sons to be favored. I know that when my grandfather passed away, he left most of his good (farm) property to his two sons and enough land to my mother for us to build a home on, and some other less valuable property. My uncle immeadiately sold the property they were given, but mom still has hers. That's a common theme around here, sad to say. It won't happen in my family, though!

Just wanted to say:

I love that picture of your family. You all look so loved, secure, and happy!

 

[momto2girls]

While I agree with this, I think the OP is upset that FIL goes to all his grandsons' events, but not the granddaughters.

You are absolutely right. I was responding more to some of the posts that were discussing the whole grandparent issue.

As for the OP's situation, I agree that it is horrible that FIL only goes to the grandsons' events. I can't stand favoritism so I do agree that favoring the boys over the girls is reprehensible.

 

[MELSMICE]

While I agree with this, I think the OP is upset that FIL goes to all his grandsons' events, but not the granddaughters.

Yes, that is the main reason I get upset.

I don't expect grandparents to come to every single event or game there is. That's not reasonable, but for the big things that they are invited to, it would be nice.

Every year that ask for DD's bball schedule & every year they fail to show up - there is always an excuse. DH said he is done sending the schedule.

My main gripe is with the favoritism & the constant, "hope this one has outdoor plumbing" when someone is pregnant with a grandchild, along with the "boys are so much more fun".

Ugh - I'm getting worked up again.

 

[ticktock]

That's just the problem - it isn't about YOU...it is about them. Who cares if you think it is boring? You are supposed to be doing said thing for THEM and the fact that you love THEM and you want THEM to be happy.

("YOU" is a generalization...I quoted ticktock to make a point not to single him/her out.)

I know you didn't single me out, but here's my take on it. It is about BOTH people. I can't tell you how many kids I know who think they are the center of the universe because they were raised with the whole it's about THEM ONLY attitude.

Kids need to be taught that other people have feelings and intrests that don't coinside with theirs. Just because grampa doesn't want to sit through three hours of Swan Lake doesn't mean he wouldn't love to take you to the Zoo for three hours. What's wrong with that? The problem with the grands being discussed on this thread is not that they don't like dance or sports, it's that they are selfish and selfcentered.

My grands on my moms side didn't go to all the dance recitals and football games. They did however get down on the floor and play with us (my nanny at 79 still does this!). My grandfather taught me how to use his power tools,how to shoot a gun,how to cook on a camp fire, how to bait a hook, how to clean a fish and showed me what fishy's last meal was. My nanny taught me how to oil paint, refinish furniture, hang wallpaper, make stained glass, and garden. None of these "lessons" were manditory, they were things we did TOGETHER because we enjoyed being together creating things and living life.

My grandma on my dad's side did go to all activities. She also waited on us hand and foot when we stayed with her, short order cook and maid. She didn't really hangout with us though. That side of the family it was always the kids in living room with the TV/boardgames, whatever and then the adults in the diningroom/kitchen talking. If a kid went in there it was always, what do you need sweetie? No, you weren't interupting but you weren't PART of their world either. I don't think this is bad, I know alot of families are like this . I had more FUN with my mom's parents though.

Personally I would rather have someone who interacts with me than someone who "supports me in my activites". JMHO.

 

[ticktock]

Yes, that is the main reason I get upset.

I don't expect grandparents to come to every single event or game there is. That's not reasonable, but for the big things that they are invited to, it would be nice.

Every year that ask for DD's bball schedule & every year they fail to show up - there is always an excuse. DH said he is done sending the schedule.

My main gripe is with the favoritism & the constant, "hope this one has outdoor plumbing" when someone is pregnant with a grandchild, along with the "boys are so much more fun".

Ugh - I'm getting worked up again.

I can't believe anyone would SAY this. SERIOUSLY? Out loud?


Someone said they thought southerners were more partial to boys. You CAN'T get any more southern than my inlaws and they NEVER would even think something like this. They do favor the oldest son and his kids but that's no skin off my nose and it only irritates DH because they wasted so much time and money on the loser for years.

My parent's families are from the deep Appalachia and I never felt treated any different because I was a girl. Of course I was raised in S.Fl. so maybe it's different if your raised there? Maybe I just don't pick up on the subtle hints?

Maybe I'm just not as sensitive, like I said, DH's parents favor his DB and his kids, they rarely remember DS's Bday, though I'm sure they remember Jimmy's kids etc... but that never bothered me. They're old, they have ALOT of GKs. The squeeky wheel always gets the oil and Jimmy is the wheel.

So what if they don't send him more junk for holidays? DS loves to go to their house and play with the dogs, explore all the forgotten treasures in the barn/storage buildings, try to bring yet another barn cat home, fish in the pond or just walk the property with his grandpa. They still love him.

You have to learn in life that you can't always be the favorite, the universe doesn't revolve around you. It may be a hard lesson to learn from your grands, but it's real. It never bothered DS (I asked him about it once after hearing someone else in the family complaining about it) he said he never even thought about it but he wouldn't want to be the favorite if it meant having to be like those kids, they were brats and their dad was a loser. He thought they must need the extra attention to make up for all that .

 

[horseshowmom]

Originally Posted by castleview
I think the OP is upset that FIL goes to all his grandsons' events, but not the granddaughters.

I agree. It's really not so much about the events themselves, it's about the whole attitude.

In our case, while DD is close to my parents, it's not because they attended all of her stuff (believe me, unless you're really involved, watching an all day horse show is a lot like watching paint dry... ). My parents have only been to a couple. My mother did attend DD's piano recitals, but my dad just wouldn't have been interested, HOWEVER, my dad would have been there for anything she needed (work on her bike, play tennis with her, etc.).

With them, it definintely wasn't the "being somewhere", it was the "being there for DD".

With the other grandparents, it was the very obvious fact that the male grandchildren where held in highest regard. When my SIL's (DH's sister) girls were playing basketball only a few miles from the grandparents' house, they weren't interested (these girls were around the GPs and helped them all the time). However, one grandson (who had very little to do with them) also played basketball, and they would drive a significant distance to watch him. Since the kids were the same age (but different schools), it was very obvious what they were doing. It's ridiculous.

 

[ticktock]

Neither my parents nor DW's parents favored either of my kids, DS11 & DD8. They take take up with them equally.

It is still somewhat common here in the rural south, though, for the sons to be favored. I know that when my grandfather passed away, he left most of his good (farm) property to his two sons and enough land to my mother for us to build a home on, and some other less valuable property. My uncle immeadiately sold the property they were given, but mom still has hers. That's a common theme around here, sad to say. It won't happen in my family, though!

OK, to add yet another chapter to this book I'm writing on this thread (sorry) it was common to leave the farm land to the sons because they would use it to support themselves and their families while the daughter should be supported by her husband and his family's lands. Not exactly male favoritism. Just logical. Sometimes it didn't work out if you had good for nothing sons or son in laws . This is why you wanted your daughters to marry for security, not "love". What do you know about love when your 16-18 anyway?

 

[BellvilleDad]

Just wanted to say:

I love that picture of your family. You all look so loved, secure, and happy!

Thansk, LB! I know I'm a lucky man, as the song says.

 

[BellvilleDad]

OK, to add yet another chapter to this book I'm writing on this thread (sorry) it was common to leave the farm land to the sons because they would use it to support themselves and their families while the daughter should be supported by her husband and his family's lands. Not exactly male favoritism. Just logical. Sometimes it didn't work out if you had good for nothing sons or son in laws . This is why you wanted your daughters to marry for security, not "love". What do you know about love when your 16-18 anyway?

Yeah, I know why it used to happen that way, but it's hard to fathom that it still happens. Neither of my uncles were farming when they received the land. Oh, well. Nothing to do about it. I do wish the pond was still in our family, though.

 

[MELSMICE]

I can't believe anyone would SAY this. SERIOUSLY? Out loud?

Yep, seriously, out loud - numerous times. I get so sick of hearing it.

I hated myself a few months when I found out that SIL is having a boy & I had a little bit of a mad feeling because grandpa got what he wanted. How awful could I be?

I am so happy that she is pregnant & is having a boy because she has gone through so much infertility issues & already has a 2 1/2 year old girl, so how nice for them that they'll have one of each. However, I was so disgusted with the fleeting thought I had because I know I'm going to hear how wonderful that she has one with "outdoor plumbing".

 

[daisax]

I think everybody agrees that going to activities for one grandchild and not others and other blatant displays of favoritism are just plain wrong.

But I'm firmly in the camp of "there are other ways to show you love them." My grandparents didn't come to my recitals but they took me on vacation with them, sat with me when I had surgery as a kid, showed me how to cook and fish and let me play with their dogs and my grandfathers gave me the "rings" off their cigars

So I'd urge those who feel that attendance is mandatory at any event the kids are involved in to reconsider the way they're framing the issue -- the kids may have no such expectations until the parents harp on them.

I also agree with the person who asked just how many grandparents are going to these events on a regular basis? Certainly ticketed school events in my experience are limited to immediate family.

 

[Rock'n Robin]

I think one of the posters is right, it's not the activities but the general bond/supportiveness. My parents are GREAT with my kids, but I don't ask them to go to every concert and performance. Dad has a bad back and a fake hip and mom tires easily. I did ask them to go to DD#1's Christmas concert and musical, and DD#2's musical, and the recital June 14. Dad has been to one of DS's basketball games, one baseball game, and went to see DD#1 cheer at a HS game. Mom doesn't do that kind of stuff. In fact, when my sister played HS volleyball only dad usually went. I will ask if I think it is a big deal. But for example, DD#2 just finished her 2nd (and last) year of jr. high band. At the last concert the 7th graders played 3 songs. That's it. It was all of 15 minutes. Even if my mom had not been in hospital, I wouldn't have bugged them with it.
I never had my grandmas to my HS plays, come to think of it. But one was stone deaf. And my folks were at all my plays and concerts.
My in-laws seem to really love my kids, but we don't see them that often. They did say they'd go to the recital, and they did end up going to both of the girls' musicals (although they responded to me way late and they didn't get tickets that were as good as the rest). While my parents will come if asked, my in-laws will say no as often as yes. Of course they ask why we don't call or come over, and we tell them the highway and phone lines go both ways!
BTW, at recitals, unless my kid is involved, I think it's boring! Our studio has singing and acting now, and the acting class is awful, yet each recital is structured around a theme where these kids come out every couple of songs and do something that brings the whole thing to a screeching halt. It's awful.
Robin M.

 

[#1hockeymom]

DH and I were talking about this last night and came to the conclusion that his father and mine, who are both remarried to women with no kids, didn't really know how to raise us. THey were both workaholics and on weekends what they wanted to do was what the family did. They seem to like being able to SAY they're grandparents, kinda' like a trophy, but they really don't know what it is supposed to mean. I guess they didn't look one generation back. We (DH and I) both had fantastic grandparents!

One more point. Not only have they not shown up for ANYTHING (ok, can count on one hand) in decades (DD is 22), they actually tell us that we do too much with our kids, for our kids and that we should put our needs first. UGH (I guess they don't see the part where we wanted a different life for our kids than we had??? LOL)

I hope this makes sense??

 

[tazdev3225]

As a grandchild and a grandparent I have a different view on some of this. My grandmothers were each partial to one sex. I was the only girl and my paternal grnadmother spoiled me. My maternal grandmother loved the boys, and the badder they were the happier she was. My brothers and I accepted this and grieved when they both passed away. They showed up for things sometimes but neither drove and we were a good hour away by public transportation. I knew I was loved by both so it never bothered me.
As my kids were growing up my parents were more involved with my kids but that was because my brother lives 4 hours away. My DMIL was more involved with my kids than DH's nieces and nephews but that was partly because DH is considerably younger and DMIL was retired. DBIL and DSIL joked about how different she was but were happy for us.
As a grandparent I try to be involved with all 5 (soon to be 6) grands. I am closer to one DD's but mostly because I babysit them. I am even coaching T-ball and baseball this year for 3 of them. I try not to show favorites and hope to be able to go to all of their activities as they get older. My parents even go to a lot of their things. In fact my mom has started a preschool for 2 because the parents couldn't afford it. Best preschool around IMHO.
It is hard enough when you have kids to be able to go to everything, it's even harder when you have grands and they are involved in a lot. Some people are more partial to one sex than another. My aunt said if she ever had a boy the dr could keep it. I had a friend who felt the same way about girls. If your parents or in-laws don't want to be as involved try and understand where they are coming from. They have done this for their kids maybe that was enough for them. If that's their personality accept it and be there for your kids and be proud of their accomplishments. You have every right to be no matter what your parents feel.

 

[GrowingUpDisney]

I know you didn't single me out, but here's my take on it. It is about BOTH people. I can't tell you how many kids I know who think they are the center of the universe because they were raised with the whole it's about THEM ONLY attitude.

Kids need to be taught that other people have feelings and intrests that don't coinside with theirs. Just because grampa doesn't want to sit through three hours of Swan Lake doesn't mean he wouldn't love to take you to the Zoo for three hours. What's wrong with that? The problem with the grands being discussed on this thread is not that they don't like dance or sports, it's that they are selfish and selfcentered.

My grands on my moms side didn't go to all the dance recitals and football games. They did however get down on the floor and play with us (my nanny at 79 still does this!). My grandfather taught me how to use his power tools,how to shoot a gun,how to cook on a camp fire, how to bait a hook, how to clean a fish and showed me what fishy's last meal was. My nanny taught me how to oil paint, refinish furniture, hang wallpaper, make stained glass, and garden. None of these "lessons" were manditory, they were things we did TOGETHER because we enjoyed being together creating things and living life.

My grandma on my dad's side did go to all activities. She also waited on us hand and foot when we stayed with her, short order cook and maid. She didn't really hangout with us though. That side of the family it was always the kids in living room with the TV/boardgames, whatever and then the adults in the diningroom/kitchen talking. If a kid went in there it was always, what do you need sweetie? No, you weren't interupting but you weren't PART of their world either. I don't think this is bad, I know alot of families are like this . I had more FUN with my mom's parents though.

Personally I would rather have someone who interacts with me than someone who "supports me in my activites". JMHO.

I see what you are saying and I completely agree with you! MEMORIES are whats important. Whether those memories are made at a dance recital/baseball game or sitting in the floor of your home playing checkers - it's the memories and the fact that you care about your grandchildren. I do, however, believe that - especially when they are young - first time activities should be supported; for instance Kindergarten graduations or their first gymnastics meet.

 

[RNMOM]

I agree with Ticktock (all her posts). The world doesn't revolve around any of us. For example, if it has been raining all week and this Sat. is clear and all the yard work needs to be done before the work week starts again, can you fault a man for not attending a kids game?

Honestly, I did all the soccer, bball, football, Indian guides, Cubscouts, Boyscouts, and was working full time and was on the board of PTA. I ran ragged for about 8 years and then they didn't want to do all that anymore. DH didn't make it to most of the games but did the scouts and went camping with them. We did the best we could. There aren't any grandparents so that wasn't an issue but when DH's mom was around she would go to an occassional event. Frankly it was much more trouble getting it set up for her to go than it was worth. It is hard to figure out which of the little darlings in the outfield is yours or which of the kids on the risers is yours when you are standing in the back of an auditorium.

I agree also that kids are made to feel the world revolves around them. And it shows. Frankly they need to learn that they can participate in an activity independently and not need someone to comment on their performance or skills. They need to learn to appreciate the activity for what it is not the reward of having ice cream with a grandparent after each game. JMHO here.

If your family does this, great but don't get on a guy who is a good grandparent otherwise. Maybe you can think of some other ways for them to bond. Lots of activities have been mentioned and perhaps he would love to have an afternoon at the zoo or a museum or fishing with a gson or gdaughter. Maybe he just needs to be nudged a little.

 

[MELSMICE]

For example, if it has been raining all week and this Sat. is clear and all the yard work needs to be done before the work week starts again, can you fault a man for not attending a kids game?

If your family does this, great but don't get on a guy who is a good grandparent otherwise. Maybe you can think of some other ways for them to bond. Lots of activities have been mentioned and perhaps he would love to have an afternoon at the zoo or a museum or fishing with a gson or gdaughter. Maybe he just needs to be nudged a little.

I know that many kids have many activities, but my thought on your example with yardwork is "it will still be there when I return", but I can't attend this game on another day - once it's over, that's it. Of course, this is just me & I love attending my DD's sporting events, whether it's swimming, bball or lacrosse for them.

I know my FIL loves my girls - I've never doubted that, but unfortunately, he doesn't spend time with them. My DH has actually said that his parents don't know how to relate to our DD's on their level at this point in their lives. They are 18, 15 & 15. When they were younger he used to play with them, but as they grew that has definitely changed. It's too bad.

 

[Disney Doll]

We are childless, not by choice.

We have been very fortunate to have many friends and family who have very generously shared their children with us over the years.

I would never put yard work above watching my child, or any child for that matter, participate in something.

I can remember how happy I was to have at least one, and usually both, of my parents at my events...my father was apoliceman, so on occaison his schedule did interfere, but I can only guess that he did a lot of switching of shifts and so forth, because he didn't miss too many of my or my brhter's events.

Years ago, we were the primary cheerleaders for my nephew, age 5, when he was participating in T-Ball (which is really what Dante had in mind when he described Hell ) because his parents were coaching his older brother's little league team and the two things occurred at the same time. Watching T-Ball is like watching paint dry....s l o w l y. I believe another poster described something as "monumentally boring"...that would fit T-Ball to a "T", if you'll pardon the pun! Amazingly enough, that young man, who is now 24 and applying to med school, remembers that and actually told his girlfriend how happy he was that Auntie Patty & Uncle Terry were always there for him when he was a kid playing T-Ball because he "knew it was probably boring, but they were there anyway". At the very least, I figure he'll pick me a nice nursing home.

It is quite true that I don't think grandparents and other assorted relatives need to attend every single thing a kid does. But it is nice if they attend some, and try to find something positivie to say to the kid.

It is not acceptable to play favorites, and that "outdoor plumbing" comment is unconscionable to me.

You know, with how screwy so many kids are today, would it hurt them to know they have a lot of people who love them? I don't think so. After all, don't we all like to show off our accomplishments a little? Kids are no different.

OP, I have no advice for you other than to have no expectations that these people are going to change, because they won't. I also wouldn't try and force a relationship or respect that isn't there. And I would be so bold as to say to my FIL, if he made commentary about how my DD didn't speak to him or "respect" him properly when she was in his presence "Well, since you essentially ignore her, I guess she learned that behavior from you".