Why do girls turn into monsters at 17???

[ferrytale]

Ok, so I really don't remember being THAT bad when I was a teen and my parents agree - I had my moments, but overall not too bad.
I have a sister who is 17 (almost 18), and for the past 1 - 1 1/2 years has been an absolute WITCH <- And I really should stress that should have a "B" in front, and not a "W". She was the sweetest, most thoughtful person for the first 16 years of her life, and then something changed and she is mean, nasty, bossy, you name it. She sure acts sweet and innocent when she wants something, but it's been really bad lately. (Please no flames -- >) we found out a few months ago that she is pregnant, and while we are not happy about the situation, there is not really anything to do but let her know we are unhappy, but support her decisions. NOW, she does nothing except go out with her boyfriend to go shopping, do the registry, go to his family functions - she is barely home, and when she is she is miserable. She doesn't think of anyone except herself and her BF. This is NOT a stupid girl, she is popular, involved in many school activities, sports, girl scouts, and is a good student. My mom, other sister, dad, etc have been trying to offer suggestions, and advice to help her but she won't listen to anyone if their opinion is different than theirs. She won't just sit down and have a conversation with us.
At this point I have basically told my mom that sis is going to have to learn the hard way. It's very hard on my mom b/c it was basically the 2 of them since my other sister & I are 10 & 13 years older, and my mom was a single mom with her. It's killing me that she is so mean to my mom who only has good intentions(albeit annoying sometimes), and has literally bent over backwards to give her whatever she needs. My mom even offered to let them live with her until they can save money, and she flat out refused saying they couldn't live in 1 room (which is HUGE BTW), and they could have 2 (tiny) rooms at his mom's house. Argh...not sure if anyone else has been in similar situations, or can offer any advice, I just want to pull my hair out everytime I talk to her!
Sorry if this is so long, I just needed to vent a little.

 

[momofrrr]

I am sorry that you are having such a rough time. I have a 17 yo DD too and she can really push my buttons. I guess it is just a testing of the waters in her case.

did your dd change her group of friends recently. Don't really know if that would mean anything but they can certainly be an influence.

Hope things get better soon.

 

[ferrytale]

Sis(Not DD, but its ok) and nope she hasn't changed her friends. They are all good kids - really! She doesn't drink/smoke/do drugs or anything. Her attitude just sucks. She doesn't get into trouble at school or ANYTHING. She has no idea how tough her life is going to be once she has the baby...boy is she in for a life lesson.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

At that age they think that they know everything. I am so sorry that you all are going through this but hopefully everything will turn out ok for her. We will send a prayer your way.

 

[MSSANDRA]

My guess would be the change was due to the boyfriend. Maybe presured to have sex with him? Maybe he is controling? Kids do not turn 100% without some influnce from something.
The kind of attitude you describe most of the time come at 13 or 14 not 17. Most kids by 17 are starting to act like "humans" again !

I would just try to be there for her without judging or running interverence with her and your mom. Maybe invite her to lunch and keep the converstation light. If she is keeping the baby, maybe get her something cute for it. When the baby comes, chances are she is going to want you and you mom and that little one will really need you both.

Prayers for your family!!!

 

[happymommy]

When I first read your title, I thought, "It took that long, my DD started sassing back (only occasionally) at age 5!".

Then read further, and saw it's your sister in a super difficult situation. I would hate to be in her shoes.

How hard, with a baby on the way. The baby will suffer the most, if not taken care of. I know it's so hard right now, and she is obviously very very unhappy or even she sounds depressed. The hormones are so crazy when you're pregnant. Odds are, she and her boyfriend won't be together forever. She'll be a single teen parent.

You could sit down with her and either explain to her that her behavior and attitude are unacceptable, and leave it at that. Or you could sit down with her and try to empathize with her feelings and situation, and see what you can do to help out. She is going to need a lot of support!

If I were in her situation, I certainly wouldn't be REGISTERED for gifts! Heck, I didn't register when my son was born! It's kind of silly - who is giving the shower? She'll need practical things, like diapers, clothes, and a crib and stroller.

One thing that may be a good support for her is to find a local La Leche League meeting - when I was expecting DD, I went to them even before she was born. I met other moms of babies and toddlers, plus pregnant gals too, and got a great support group. I nursed DD a long time, and it is not only better for the mom and baby, it is essentially free. And easier than bottles (I did that with DS after only a few weeks).

Hope things turn out well for all of you!

 

[Alesia]

This is not normal behavior. A drastic personality change during the teenage years is often much more serious than hormones. Have you talked to her doctor about it?

 

[Rylee]

If your sister is smart, then she probably recognizes her recent decisions/behavior have alter her life forever, (baby on the way.) She may be taking her frustrations, fears and insecurities out of those she KNOWS love her most. She may be unsure of her boyfriend and her/their future so only vents on you guys. Or, perhaps she thinks she has her boyfriend and doesn't need any of you anymore.

Either way, what's done is done. You and your parents should choose your battles...

• Have your parents talked with the BF's parents? Your sister is still a MINOR and your parents have every right to know what type of living arrangements are being made.
  
• Make sure she is receiving proper medical care for her and the baby. Your sister is probably still covered on your parent's insurance... who will carry the baby once the baby arrives?
  
• Is she still in school? And very important... will she graduate? Also, once she turns 18, if she is no longer a full-time student, most insurances won't continue coverage.
  
• Make sure the father signs the birth certificate so paternity is established. Who knows... perhaps they'll stay together forever and carve out a nice life together, but if they do split sometime in the future, he needs to be paying child support.

Continue to love her (and that baby) and let her know you're there for her. Make sure she has the necessities but I wouldn't make it too easy for her... babysit for appointments, etc., but I wouldn't offer to babysit all the time just so she can "hang out" with friends. Once she has real concerns and responsibilities about an other's well being, she will better understand where you and your parents are coming from.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

Have you considered that she is just trying to assert her independence and thinks she knows it all?

You have to realize that she is 17, going to be a mom, (hopefully) finishing up school... she probably thinks she's grown and doesn't need you guys anymore. Most likely she wants to stay with his mom because they'd be able to whatever they want with minimal interruption from his side of the family. HOPEFULLY his momma won't be an all-the-time baby sitter and let the kids continue to go out with their friends and continue the party.

I'm with you OP, she's got to find out the hard way because it's probably the only way her eyes will open. She's going to have that baby and be stuck at home with him/her. Baby daddy will still go out with his friends, etc. She'll probably have to get a job, he'll need to work, they'll have to pay for a sitter... do you think she's thought about this part yet? Invite her over one night and have that MTV show Teen mom playing on your TV - it may open her eyes.

 

[syncsk8mom]

I had my oldest daughter at 19 almost 20. My parents through me out of the house, even though I was in college, making good grades and paying my own way through school. They refused to help me, support me or even see the baby after she was born. I was very alone and very scared and I had to dig deeper than I EVER could have imagined to get through that time. I had to swallow my pride, go on welfare and get WIC and well as medicade. As soon as they placed that beautiful baby girl in my arms my life was forever changed, but in a good way.

I picked myself up, stood up striaght finished my degree and have raised a healthy, happy daughter. I put her through private schools and now college.

The only advise I can give you is to not make it too easy on her, draw very strong boundaries of what behavior you are willing to accept. Your sister has decided to have this baby and that is her choice, but if you don't give her a little tough love she will not be able to stand up on her own two feet. I am not saying that the very cold treatment I got from my parents is by any means the correct answer, but you and your mom cannot be a door mat. If your sister isn't being respectful now don't expect that to change after the baby comes, especially if everyone smooths things over for her.

And hormones....whatever....respect is respect is respect. My oldest daughter has had some tough times as obviously my relationship with him did not work out....she has suffered alot from the split, but I always tell her this:

"I love you, but I will not be treated (instert issue here) this way".....if you cannot be respectful and speak to me with a nice tone then I cannot help you and you are on you own"

Then I leave, go for a walk, shop whatever......generally she will think about what she is doing and she won't always appologize, but she will come to were ever I am, she re-integrates into whatever we are doing as a family and she works to correct her behavior. Nothing more is said. It's not an easy process, but it allows her to make the decision to accept my boundaries or not. I don't feel like a door mat and occassionally if she feels like she is truely right and I am wrong she will come back with a much more respectful tone and want to talk.....I always work hard to remove my emotions and talk it out with her.

Good luck and God Bless you family....

And sorry if I sounded preachy, it is not my intention....just offering my 2 cents.

 

[saradela]

If you cant talk to her, write a letter, even if she is in a bad mood, se eventually will read it.
a prayer goes your way.
Saradela

 

[pixiewings71]

Oh wow, I'm sure my sister could have written your post about me 21 years ago. I was 16 tho when I got pg with DD21, now almost 22. Your sister is scared, confused and defensive, she's lashing out at those who she knows will never leave her because she feels she can. She also thinks she knows what's best, trust me, when she has that baby she will learn differently!! She will realize how little she knows and how much she needs you and your Mom around. It's not just being pg. tho, my DD21 did the same thing when she was 17, her attitude just got rude and nasty and she was miserable to be around until she wanted or needed something, then she was sweet as she could be. Now that my DD21 has her own baby (DGD10months) she knows, once I had DD21 I knew, trust me, your sis will come around. Maybe not right away, but she will. As for your sis living with her DBF, she needs to be at HOME with your Mom, she's 17 not 18 and until she's 18 she's your Mom's responsibility so your Mom needs to make her come home. If she wants to live with her DBF and your Mom is ok with it they can suffer sleeping in 1 room, besides the fact that she's going to want the baby sleeping in her room anyway so it makes NO sense to with the DBF's family.

My best advice (coming from a teen Mom) is to be firm with her, let her know you love her and want the best for her and the baby but you will NOT tolerate her rudeness to you or towards your Mom. Be consistent, if she gets nasty ignore her (or give it back, that's what I did), she will get the picture.

What your sister needs to do is be very very very careful here, if things go wrong she could lose her baby to her DBF's parents.......she needs to be aware of that. If they can prove she's an unfit parent they will get custody and then your sis will definitely be a big mess.

Good luck to you all, I hope your sis grows up mentally soon so things be more normal for you. Congrats on being an Auntie, it's so much fun!!

 

[ferrytale]

Oh, so many things to say, but don't want to take up too much time/space. Her BF is a couple years older than her, he graduated last year, and joined the Marine Reserves. I don't think it's that he is controlling - she is moreso to him and doesn't let him come in the house much. He is a good guy, and the 2 of them are not "party" people. They have a few close friends they hang out with on a regular basis, and are more than happy or content to go to Friendly's for a snack, or sit and play board games or do puzzles and watch tv. In fact, they thought they were being careful by using protection, but accidents happen.
I doubt her DBF's parents would try to get the baby, neither are financially stable or in a capacity to take care of a baby - in fact I think my sister & her DBF are more responsible than his parents. They're nice and all, but not really meant for raising young kids.
I really have to agree with many of you that she is trying to assert her independence, but is scared and hormonal. We are loving her, and supporting her, and TRYING to help her as much as we can.

OH - to the person who said about the registry, she didn't know what she should do about it but people were asking her so they went and registered. We are going to throw her a small shower, it will be small and not fancy, but several of her friends want to help and show their support to her that way.

Thanks for the thoughts/prayers/suggestions - there many worse things that she could be involved in or things that could have happened. <<<insert big sigh right here>>> Teenagers! What are ya gonna do with them???

 

[DrRae2B]

Well.... because it's a prerequisite for us to be able to deal with our husbands later on in life!!


.... duh! I thought EVERYONE knew that!



But, no, seriously... she's going thru some really tough stuff right now. Nevermind the hormonal changes, but a new baby is a LOT of stress for anyone, much less a teenager. Just try really hard to be supportive, and help her (in a subtle way, mind you...) to make good decisions. Be a good influence, if not for her, then definitely for that little baby that's coming.

Best of luck!