Why do 13 yr old girls have to be so MEAN!

[remfam5]

I know it's all part of this CRAZY growing up thing, but it makes me a little sad that all the girls that used to be friends in grade school are now all in their little cliques. And that it is SO horrible for them to be nice to each other!

What happens to our sweet kids in middle school that makes them so dependent on what "group" they belong to and totally disregard friendships that they've had for years?

I try to think back to when I was in middle school, but it is SO different when it is your child!!

How do you other parents out there deal with this and any words of comfort you give your daughter?

 

[Bluestars]

I know how you feel. My son was friends with same group of boys since Kindergarten. They all played baseball together and went on trips together. They would spend the night at each other's houses.

Things changed in 7th grade. My son's best friend moved to another state. Two of the other boys joined the football team. My son wasn't interested. Football is huge here and I think some of the team members can get big egos. My son would go to the high school football games and one of his prior best friends wouldn't even talk to him. This is the same kid who we have taken with us on vacations.

Anyway, I encouraged him to make new friends. He did. But things aren't the same as they were. He never found another best friend like the one who moved. His new friends are nice, but he isn't as close to them. It's an adjustment and he is doing fine though.

Your daughter will make new friends. It just takes time. But I don't know why kids who used to be good friends could treat their old friends badly.

ETA - Nothing against football players though. My son's best friend who moved plays football and he is the coolest kid ever.

 

[mommyof2princesses]

Middle school is hard. My dd had lots of problems with friends who all of a sudden weren't. Email, texting and facebook do not help. We pulled her out of public school (for educational reasons) after 1 year of middle school and she has found other friends that are really close and don't come with the problems.

One thing I tell her is to be careful what you say. If you have friends that talk about other friends when you are with them, be assured they will talk about you behind your back. Hold your tongue and don't engage in those converstions. Also, be careful what you put in writing (or texts or facebook). Written words can come back to haunt you.

My mother used to tell me the whole sticks and stones thing, but I have found that although words and mean actions don't physically hurt, the emotional hurt they leave behind stings much more. I don't remember any hands on fights I had with people, but I remember some stinging words that have been said to me.

Give your dd lots of love and attention. Discuss with her what she values in friendships. My dd found her best friend through church and her other best friend is a long time friend she has had for 10 years (but he is a boy and they don't seem to have the same problems!)

Good luck and just know it does get better. Hugs.

 

[Ohiodislover]

They are evil...I tell you....pure EVIL

 

[remfam5]

I know how you feel. My son was friends with same group of boys since Kindergarten. They all played baseball together and went on trips together. They would spend the night at each other's houses.

Things changed in 7th grade. My son's best friend moved to another state. Two of the other boys joined the football team. My son wasn't interested. Football is huge here and I think some of the team members can get big egos. My son would go to the high school football games and one of his prior best friends wouldn't even talk to him. This is the same kid who we have taken with us on vacations.

Anyway, I encouraged him to make new friends. He did. But things aren't the same as they were. He never found another best friend like the one who moved. His new friends are nice, but he isn't as close to them. It's an adjustment and he is doing fine though.

Your daughter will make new friends. It just takes time. But I don't know why kids who used to be good friends could treat their old friends badly.

YES! Totally same situation! Isn't it sad to look back on pictures from previous years, only to have your child see how much fun they had with old friends.
My daughter too has not quite found that "best" friend. she's got good friends, but nothing like having that one friend that you spend every waking minute with.
I am trying to just go by her and what she feels. She seems to be fine but I can tell that there is always that moment when you see "that" friend at the store and there's that awkward unspoken rule to not even say "hi" to each other. DRAMA!

 

[Bluestars]

Remfan, boys are the same way. Maybe a little less dramatic about it, but they can be mean too. One of son's prior best friends started to insult my son and would say mean things right to his face. My son is much better off without him.

It is sad though. These are kids who all got along great when they were younger. I thought they would all always be friends.

Hopefully things will get better in high school. I am going to encourage him to join clubs and participate in a lot of other activities so he can meet more people who share the same interests.

 

[remfam5]

Hopefully things will get better in high school. I am going to encourage him to join clubs and participate in a lot of other activities so he can meet more people who share the same interests.

I do like the whole "joining clubs/activities" idea. I do think that it puts kids together that might not normally get together and shows them that it's OK to be yourself and not always go along with what your clique says you have to do.

 

[momx2]

Also, I'm not so hip to the idea of having either of my DDs spend time with just one friend. I like that my DDs don't have the "one" best friend. I think it's great that they can be friends with different groups of peers and not rely on just one friend for companionship. I've had different best friends through different stages of my life. I think it is normal.

 

[ppoe65]

One thing I tell her is to be careful what you say. If you have friends that talk about other friends when you are with them, be assured they will talk about you behind your back. Hold your tongue and don't engage in those converstions. Also, be careful what you put in writing (or texts or facebook). Written words can come back to haunt you.

.

I couldn't agree more. Our DD(12) was having trouble with her friends. They are catty little girls. They would say things about another girl in her presence and if DD even nodded, they would tell the person that my daughter said the negative comment. When in fact she was just acknowledging the comment. We tell her to be careful what you say and around whom. Do not agree with negative comments and she can say, "I am sorry you feel that way, but so-and-so is a friend of mine and I care not to talk about it." So far my DD has shown great maturity and is trying to stay out of the talking. It is hard and she does get very upset at times, but we remind her what a good person and friend she is to keep doing what she is doing.

 

[punkin]

DD is 11 and boy are the girls in her school mean. One of them said something nasty to DD in front of a whole group of giggling hangers on. My DD has a sharp mouth though and basically turned the tables on the mean girl and embarrassed her in front of her "posse". Of course DD was hysterical when she came home, but the mean girl now avoids DD like the plague. It is bullying plain and simple.

 

[Art 1]

They are in training for the day when they become daughters in law.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

We moved so my 13yodd had to find brand new friends in middle school. Last year was rough for her.

This yr she found people that are like her. She is very happy. Her friends are not into clothes, makeup, boys, or drama, etc...

That being said my oldest is in college and you just have to make it thru middle school. Be tough and take no prisoners however at the same time you have to find allies to cover your back.

 

[SandrA9810]

I lost all my friends once middle school started.

There was a group of us in elementary school, we had all the same classes each year. And we didn't have a problem at all. But once middle school started, I was officially, not cool enough to be seen with. It was very hard, and I tried hard to stay friends with some of them.
By 9th grade I finally realized that I was better off sticking to my own world. And while I was in the colorguard with the same girls, I didn't press my luck any further. And I think it turned out better for me. The following years I transfered schools, and met some other people who actually thought I was worthwhile hanging around.

You get bad mouthed if you agree with others if they're talking bad about some one else. you get bad mouthed if you don't agree. It's hard walking that line of trying to fit in where you don't really fit in.

 

[handinpocket]

They are in training for the day when they become daughters in law.

 

[disfan07]

because girls are backstabbing witches......its true....if you think its bad now, just wait until high school. Ive only been out of high school for 2 1/2 years...believe me....its bad.

Basically, the high school girls motto should be, trust no one.

In all seriousness though, the people that I am still friends with are the people ive been friends with since elementary school. I talk to maybe a few people that I met for the first time in high school but the majority of my real, true friends are the ones i have been friends with for 10-15+ years (I'm 20).
By best friends are twins that ive been friends with since we were 2 and someone else ive been friends with since we were 4.

 

[jam217]

I teach middle school and I think that girls are worse than boys at that age.

 

[Spinning]

Also can I just add give it time.
We are finishing our last year of middle school and luckily it wasn't as bad as I thought but there were girl issues along the way and still suround my DD. Friends who I thought were lifers, weren't and became mean. All of the kids are trying their best to find their way and some just don't do it very well....why in the world they think being mean is cool I will never know.
I am finding this year my daughter has actully made her way back to friends from early grade school. THese are kids she hasn't been with in years just due to class scheduling.
We also found it was great to have our kids do activities and sports that connect them with kids from other schools. Great way for them to make friends and not deal with all the drama.

Good luck. It will work itself out. I found for me it was also disheartening when I realized my friendships with the parents weren't going to last or be the same once the girls started to move on. Many of us became so tight in early grade school. So it is a huge learning time for everyone!
Encourage your DD you talk to you, give enough space so she can breathe and good luck.

 

[Disney Doll]

You know, I have no idea why that happens.

I don't think it has as much to do with "middle school years" as some people think though. I watched my niece and 2 nephews go through mddle school nd they were never mean. As a matter-of-fact, they often stood up for kids who were being picked on. My DSisIL & DBIL didn't alow their kids to be mean and didn't think they were special snowflakes who could do no wrong.

 

[LOVETHATMOUSE]

Good luck. It will work itself out. I found for me it was also disheartening when I realized my friendships with the parents weren't going to last or be the same once the girls started to move on. Many of us became so tight in early grade school. So it is a huge learning time for everyone!
Encourage your DD you talk to you, give enough space so she can breathe and good luck.

I found this to be o so true..there were a mom I thought who I be friends with forever, but when our girls stopped talking, she took it personally ( I think) and has cut herself off from a few of us. Very sad.

 

[Spinning]

Disney doll that is great and that is similar to how my DD experience has been. But it is a time when kids change and grow and sometimes even with the best parenting the kids change or behave differently in school and they never totally cross the line where the school or parents can step in. Examples would be inviting all the kids at a table to something but 1, so call friend asks another friend to go they say no and then show up to where the kid asked them to go with another friend, speak loudly about how uncool certain clothes are or activities....all stupid childish cr**. Stuff that also went on in grade school but it takes on a different meaning in middle school. Does that make sense. It is all about fitting in. and for some kids this can be the spiral down and then it gets worse. I have watched this happen to a kid and there really wasn't much that could be done because again you can't force kids to be friends, you can't change their economic status. Is it right, no....do parents talk to their kids, hopefully I know we do all the time.
As far as I know my DD has never been considered one of the mean kids and she definately has friends who are the underdog and do get picked up. But when girls are trying to climb the ladder, find dates for dances...it can turn ugly before anyone even knows it. Plus some kids are more sensivite and feelings get hurt easier where other kids just let it roll. I know there has been times where i hear something and think what a jerk, and my daughter never even gave it a thought...