Why can't parents be happy for their kids?

[RitaZ.]

I will never understand this...

One of DH's friends is engaged to be married this summer. We have met his fiance and she is a lovely girl, they seem really in love and happy together. They are both professionals in their late 20's. His parents have reservations about the wedding because the young lady isn't "American" (she was born here, Cuban descent) and she is Catholic. He is hoping that his parents will "come around" and that's one of the reasons that he took so long to propose to his fiance. Personally, I wouldn't hold my breath on that one.

Why can't some parents just be happy for their children? Doesn't it matter that this couple is in love, make each other happy and are decent people? Isn't that what every parent should want for their children?

I lived through that myself when I married DH. I didn't get it then and 15 years later, I still don't get it.

 

[JenBlaze]

*sigh* I'm living through that now. DH doesn't make enough money for my mother to be happy with him, and he's from Alabama, so she considers that another "hit" against him. (Utterly ridiculous.)

I will never understand that kind of attitude as long as I live. I hope that poor couple has thick skin, 'cuz they're gonna need it...

 

[Mishetta]

Oh boy...can I ever relate Rita! The problem with me was that I was not of hispanic descent! There were many other things ~ the biggest was that I am 8 years older than DH but if it didn't matter to us, why should it matter to them? Anyway, we moved 2000 miles away to have a peaceful marriage. It was the best thing we could have done!

I wish lots of luck to the happy couple ~ they'll need it!!

 

[Laura]

I don't understand it either.

 

[RitaZ.]

Originally posted by Mishetta
Oh boy...can I ever relate Rita! The problem with me was that I was not of hispanic descent! There were many other things ~ the biggest was that I am 8 years older than DH but if it didn't matter to us, why should it matter to them? Anyway, we moved 2000 miles away to have a peaceful marriage. It was the best thing we could have done!

I wish lots of luck to the happy couple ~ they'll need it!!

Rose, ITA! I had the same problem, but reversed (I'm hispanic).

Marriage it's hard enough without parents interfering from the start.

 

[Serena]

My inlaws didn't like me either because I wasn't of their religion. They have since gotten over it.

I just want my kids happy.

 

[elmosmom]

May I speak as the Mother who was not thrilled with my son's choice?
My son met a young lady that had a child from a previous relationship. He's kinda cute but a brat! It really bothered me--My son dated alot of girls with children. She is a big spender-she drinks (we don't) and they were married in a different church.
I am an older woman and we were raised with strict guidelines--although I try to be openminded I am a bit old fashioned.
All of these things are shallow. I know!

This is my son, my only child and along comes this woman who captures his heart. They move to her hometown, they celebrate every holiday with her family--we are left out. They throw a party for her grandma but never send a card to his.

Once I got past the picky MIL bit I have come to like her and I especially like her because my son is happy. But, her kid still is a brat___

 

[C.Ann]

And the MIL doesn't like my DD because she isn't Greek - among other things..

DD & her DH have been married 10 years this coming May and have a 5 yr. old DD..

There is not one photo of my DD in the MIL's house.. She even has photos of her son - on their wedding day - alone!!!

However, the FIL absolutely, positively ADORES my DD - which drives the MIL crazy...

 

[RitaZ.]

May I speak as the Mother who was not thrilled with my son's choice?

Elmosmom~ Absolutely! This is open to all those that care to comment.

 

[Disney Doll]

There are soemtimes very good reasons for parents not to like the choice of life partner their children make, and they have a right to their opinion certainly. The risk they run with stating that opinion is that they will be estranged from their child.

Disliking someone because they abuse your child, drink or drug to excess, or are unfaithful are valid reasons for disliking someone. Disliking someoone because of their ethnic background or religion is small-minded.

 

[TigerBear]

Originally posted by elmosmom
May I speak as the Mother who was not thrilled with my son's choice?
They move to her hometown, they celebrate every holiday with her family--we are left out. But, her kid still is a brat

If my in-laws didn't like me or my son, I probably wouldn't want to spend time with them.

 

[bumcat]

You know I use to always say that I didn't care who my daughters married as long as it made them happy but guess what...
My 21 yr old has fallen in love with a guy who's mother is Puerto Rican and his dad was from Trinidad and after a couple of yrs when I saw how serious they were (and probably will marry later) I was bothered by the relationship. I had to do some deep soul searching to figure out why when I had always assumed it would be no big deal. I finally realised that I was worried about what others in the family would think and then I realised how stupid is that! Who gives a you know what! I had worked so hard in teaching my kids not to be prejudice and later needed a lesson for myself. I'm a bit ashamed to admit this now.
They love each other, I have really gotten to know him and now I hope they do get married, I dont care what anyone thinks.
He treats her wonderful!
Funny thing his mom was more upset than I was cause she wanted him to marry a puerto rican, not a white girl. My dd has finally won her over. Sometimes we parents just need a good kick in the rear for trying to interfere with what God has joined together. Feel free to kick me!

 

[lisajl]

Now, now, no kicking here! lol

I think we have certain asperations for our children and when they do not meet "ours" we are disappointed. I, too, believe that that some of us think...gee..what would the family say?

You know what...I have met a few obstacles with my daughter and have survived. It is difficult, but I love her. She is more important than anything else.

It is a tough road being a parent. Sometimes it is better to keep our mouths closed.

*This from a woman whose mother-in-law hates her*

Lisa

 

[Val]

After 18 years of not being worthy of my MIL, I have about had it. She was visiting for the holidays from the west coast in early Dec - arrived with pneumonia and ended up in the hospital. Became quite apparent she was NOT making it on her own. She has been living with us, but is scheduled (note I say scheduled) to move out on Wednesday. She reminds how I am not good enough everyday. Both my DH and I are professors...we both work VERY hard. We have 4 kids ages 6-16, and now her (we cannot leave her alone with the kids- she can't handle it and is too much a burden on the oldest). I still do most of the housework, the homework, and most of the shopping. DH does cook (but I usually clean up). If I hear one more time how poor DH works so hard, and how he is going to have a (insert your disease of the month here) because I am a bad wife and can't get organized/motivated/insert your disorder here. I am from immigrant parents (Pollacks and Irish, okay!) and they divorced (oh, the horror).I was raised liberal Catholic- she is right of both Jerry Falwell and the Pope (Mel Gibson looks left wing liberal next to her). I get a daily lecture about how my children are all going to hell, my husband is dying, etc., all because I chose career over family, aren't blue blood enough, etc., etc.

Today I am cleaning the house and doing the laundry (including hers, mind you) while my DH takes her and the kids out to lunch and shopping because she harps at me while I clean. As they were leaving and I am scrubbing the floor on my hands and knees she says- oh, I would never do that. WE always had maids. You must be very good at it, though, after all, your parents weren't Americans.....

.....I hope DH makes sure it is a REALLY long lunch......

 

[TigerBear]

Now, now, no kicking here! lol

I hope you don't feel like I was kicking Elmosmom - because that was completely not my intent. Getting along with in-laws is definitely a two-way street. But think how hard it would be if you knew from the beginning that you were not approved of?

In some ways my ex-in-laws were one of the best things about my marriage. They may have gotten on my last nerve at times, but they completely welcomed me into their family. To this day, my ex-mil still says that I will always be her "daughter".

 

[lisajl]

Originallyquote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now, now, no kicking here! lol
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



I hope you don't feel like I was kicking Elmosmom posted by Tigerbear:


Oh my no!!!

At the end of bumcats post...she says Feel free to kick me!

Sorry about the misunderstanding!!!!

For Val.... I'm sorry you have to go through all of this.
Best of luck on Wednesday.
Lisa

 

[TigerBear]

Whew!

 

[mamajoan]

I grew up on a farm in Illinois. very white, very conservative....

To the horror of family, neighbors, Catholic Church community, I married a man who is Black. We paid a HUGE price. We were outcasts. We survived.. just kept loving them all. A priest told me when I was 19, " Joan, in this life you are only responsible for how you act and respond towards the actions of others. You are NOT responsible for their actions. Love your parents, family and friends as you have always done."

Well we took his advice, practiced it throughout our marriage. It has done wonders for our lives. and the lives of others.
It took a very long time for my folks to come around. But they did and they came to dearly love my husband. It was a very, very rocky road.

We will be married 25 years next year. Even tho I have lived the advice given by the priest many moons ago I have to admit something...........


On our 25th anniversary I would like to place a picture of my dh and I in the small town newspaper where I grew up...
The caption would read
"Pay Up Suckers.... we made it after all" LOL......

No I won't do it.. but it does give me an evil pleasure just to imagine the scene. LOL

Oh ya.. and VAL.... God Love you!!! You are a kind and generous woman.

 

[olena]

Originally posted by Val
After 18 years of not being worthy of my MIL, I have about had it. She was visiting for the holidays from the west coast in early Dec - arrived with pneumonia and ended up in the hospital. Became quite apparent she was NOT making it on her own. She has been living with us, but is scheduled (note I say scheduled) to move out on Wednesday. She reminds how I am not good enough everyday. Both my DH and I are professors...we both work VERY hard. We have 4 kids ages 6-16, and now her (we cannot leave her alone with the kids- she can't handle it and is too much a burden on the oldest). I still do most of the housework, the homework, and most of the shopping. DH does cook (but I usually clean up). If I hear one more time how poor DH works so hard, and how he is going to have a (insert your disease of the month here) because I am a bad wife and can't get organized/motivated/insert your disorder here. I am from immigrant parents (Pollacks and Irish, okay!) and they divorced (oh, the horror).I was raised liberal Catholic- she is right of both Jerry Falwell and the Pope (Mel Gibson looks left wing liberal next to her). I get a daily lecture about how my children are all going to hell, my husband is dying, etc., all because I chose career over family, aren't blue blood enough, etc., etc.

Today I am cleaning the house and doing the laundry (including hers, mind you) while my DH takes her and the kids out to lunch and shopping because she harps at me while I clean. As they were leaving and I am scrubbing the floor on my hands and knees she says- oh, I would never do that. WE always had maids. You must be very good at it, though, after all, your parents weren't Americans.....

.....I hope DH makes sure it is a REALLY long lunch......

You're a better person than me. I give as good as I get. My temper would explode.

 

[elmosmom]

I'am afraid I don't express myself very well in these posts. In rereading my post I look awfully shallow and alot like a big old witch! I never talked about these things to anyone other then my husband and now this board. Right from the beginning she and her son were always welcome in my home. We get along very well and I think we are friends. We don't see them on holidays etc because they live 5 hours away and work schedules prevent much travel.
My own in-laws were never friendly and I never felt welcome there so I promised myself I would not ever be like that.