Whose fault is it?

[TheGoofster]

That you are the way you are (both good and bad)? Who was probably the biggest influence in your life growing up that helped mold you into the person you are today?

I would probably say my brother who is 2 years older than me. Pretty much anything he did (no matter how stupid) I was sure to follow. The things that he liked to do, I learned to like as well. When he got in trouble, I got in trouble. The sports that he played, I played as well.
So who would you say?

 

[LindaR]

Ummm, this will be hard to explain.....my mother was the biggest influence in my life. Not a positive influence. (We now know that she has suffered from mental illness all her life, but we didn't know that when we were little). My mom is very prejudiced....I made it a priority that I not act/think like her. My mom is very controlling (telling us what to think/do/act). I trust MY daughter and allow her to make her own decisions. I do give advice/opinion when asked (and sometimes even if I haven't been asked!). I admit when I've been wrong or apologize when I lose my cool. My mother has NEVER apologized for anything. The list could go on and on.......

I just wanted to be a different kind of person than what my mother was trying to make me. I've worked hard at that. I am proof that the cycle does not have to be repeated.

 

[mommasita]

That is a great question. I don't think anyone influenced me, but me. My dad was very abusive, and my parents separated when i was 10, so definitely not him. My sis and I, NEVER got along, so definitely not her. DM is an amazing woman, who I adore, but honestly, I wanted to be totally different from her. She is also controlling, and has different opinions than I, and is totally closed minded. We all have faults.

I am me, because I believe God made me this way. I choose to be who I am, and strive to be a better person daily.

 

[SleepyMom]

I would also have to say myself. As we were growing up we were left alone a lot (sometimes for days at a time) and I often think of what trouble I could have gotten into, for whatever reason I decided to mostly stay on the straight and narrow. Not saying I was perfect, I did do some things I shouldn't have, but thankfully they weren't the type of thing to affect my future.

Most of who I am as a parent is my not wanting to be like my Mom, so I guess in a way she did influence me.

 

[LiteBrite]

This is a great question, Goofster. I have to say that there were 2 people who influenced my life the most, and their influence over me was for evil, not for good, but that's a little too personal to talk about here.

However, I have a whole list of influences from my young life that I took positive things from, and I think I'll go start one of those "inspired by" threads to talk about that, since it doesn't exactly answer the question you asked here.

 

[TheGoofster]

This is a great question, Goofster. I have to say that there were 2 people who influenced my life the most, and their influence over me was for evil, not for good, but that's a little too personal to talk about here.

However, I have a whole list of influences from my young life that I took positive things from, and I think I'll go start one of those "inspired by" threads to talk about that, since it doesn't exactly answer the question you asked here.

I'm sorry to hear about the bad things that happened to you, but I am also glad to see that you have obviously used those bad influences to become a much better person. Just from reading some of your other posts, I can tell that you have overcome whatever problems you had, and have done (and are doing) something great with your life.

 

[luvsmickeymouse]

Ummm, this will be hard to explain.....my mother was the biggest influence in my life. Not a positive influence. (We now know that she has suffered from mental illness all her life, but we didn't know that when we were little). My mom is very prejudiced....I made it a priority that I not act/think like her. My mom is very controlling (telling us what to think/do/act). I trust MY daughter and allow her to make her own decisions. I do give advice/opinion when asked (and sometimes even if I haven't been asked!). I admit when I've been wrong or apologize when I lose my cool. My mother has NEVER apologized for anything. The list could go on and on.......

I just wanted to be a different kind of person than what my mother was trying to make me. I've worked hard at that. I am proof that the cycle does not have to be repeated.

Wow, I read this and thought I wrote these words. I feel the same way. I broke the cycle with my kids also. I am 46 and finally setting boundaries with her, and its not perfect. Its been rough. I dont' ever want my kids to experience the pain that my mother has caused me.

 

[java]

While both my parents have had the biggest impact on my life- my mother being the very self centered competetive one and my father being the self loathing angry one- I have traits of both. However I think the core of who I am came from my Grandfather. He was so gentle, kind and loving. To EVERYONE. He was so open-minded about everything. He listened to people no matter who they were. He would give haircuts(he was a barber) to homeless guys in the streets for free. He was just an all around great guy. He gave and gave and gave... and that made me who I am- I too am a giver. I too try to be open-minded. I try to see the world with his eyes.

 

[LindaR]

Lovesmickeymouse, one of the most profound experiences I ever had was when my daughter was about 6 or 7 (my mom lived with us until she went into a nursing home w/alzheimers) and after some really ugly stuff spewed from my mother's mouth, my daughter asked me is a whispering voice, "Mom, how come you aren't like Grandma?" I KNEW I would be ok and that my daughter would be ok and that all of us have CHOICES.

 

[Narnian_Princess]

My mother shaped who I am, in good ways and in bad. She gave me my imagination and love of books, as well as my strength of character, determination, and moral standards. Those are the good things I got from my mother.

But if I even breathed deeply she would say I was "sighing" and punish me; every tiny little thing I did, whether it be glancing at my brothers while she was yelling at me or not getting up the instant I was told to got met with punishment, and she never explained why. My brothers, on the other hand, could backtalk her all they wanted and never get any consequences. I was spanked nearly every day growing up, sometimes several times a day. So now I have "issues" and have to stay far away from people who are yelling angrily, and whenever I have to discipline a child I NEVER YELL in anger and always make sure they understand exactly why I have to put them in time out. I also got my rebellious streak from her; mostly from wishing to get out from under her ridiculous have-to-control-your-every-move authority, which she DIDN'T have with my brothers. Which is the reason why I despise favoritism.

Oh, I also got my love of Disney from her, but only because she never let us hear, see or read fairy tales, and now that I'm old enough to be on my own I can do whatever I want.

Soooo, I think I got a lot of good things from my mother; I know exactly how to be and how NOT to be. She shaped who I am, and because of her mistakes and things she did wrong I can know how to not make those same mistakes.

P.S. I don't harbor any ill feelings toward her. Well, usually.

 

[luvsmickeymouse]

Lovesmickeymouse, one of the most profound experiences I ever had was when my daughter was about 6 or 7 (my mom lived with us until she went into a nursing home w/alzheimers) and after some really ugly stuff spewed from my mother's mouth, my daughter asked me is a whispering voice, "Mom, how come you aren't like Grandma?" I KNEW I would be ok and that my daughter would be ok and that all of us have CHOICES.

I can relate to that. I agree that everyone has choices. My parents still live in their own house (WHEW) and when we leave their house, my youngest son will say, Oh, mom, I am exhausted. LOL! Oh, and my poor father. He doesn't hear well, I always think he has selective hearing.

 

[JoyG]

My mother had the biggest influence on me...

She gave me her good traits: her belief in God, her pursuit of academic excellence, her work ethic, her strict (but loving) parenting style...

But of course I inherited the negative ones too which include being a slight hypochondriac (sp?), and a bit of a nag.