Whos side are you on?

[nutterbutter2010]

Mom has 4 kids with husband. Husband runs off leaving them 2 months behind on the rent, never to be heard from again. Mom re-marries man she met about 3 years later. He raises the 4 children as his own (ranging from 6-10 years old), and has one more with Mom.

Fast forward about 40 years, and one of the orignal 4 kids is contacted by the bio father. She has a few phone calls with him over the course of about a year, never tells anyone. He tells her that his mother has just died and asks her to meet him at the funeral. Through a round about way, Mom and adopted Dad find out about this, and are livid. They are mad because she did it behind their backs, and (I guess) because she had any contact with him at all. Mom feels that if daughter wanted to know anything about him, she should have asked Mom. Adopted Dad send a few emails back and forth with her, and the daughter decides to stop talking to Mom and adopted Dad because of the emails that were sent. I've read the emails, and what was said (by adopted Dad) wasn't very nice - he said it out of hurt I guess. Adopted Dad also sent all the emails out to other members of the family... Like me who didn't want to know about ANY of this drama.

So what do you think? Do Mom and adopted Dad have the right to be SO upset about this? Keep in mind, this has totally ruined Thanksgiving, Christmas, and our 18 person family trip to Disney 2 days after Christmas. Oh, and by the way, the reason we were doing this huge family vacation is because Mom has breast cancer, and we don't know if we will ever have a chance to all get together like this again.

Does the daughter have the right to talk to her bio father? Should she have gone about it in a different way, i.e. tell Mom and adopted Dad before she responded to his initial contact?


Thoughts?

 

[FayeW]

Of course she has the right to talk to her biological father. She obviously knew how Mom and Step-Dad were going to react to her having contact with him, so she kept it to herself. They are all adults, and can communicate with anyone they choose.

Mom and Step-Dad are hurt, and that is a natural reaction, but they have to understand that her talking to her father does not diminish her love and respect for them...only their actions can do that!

 

[JerseyJanice]

So what do you think? Do Mom and adopted Dad have the right to be SO upset about this? Keep in mind, this has totally ruined Thanksgiving, Christmas, and our 18 person family trip to Disney 2 days after Christmas. Oh, and by the way, the reason we were doing this huge family vacation is because Mom has breast cancer, and we don't know if we will ever have a chance to all get together like this again.

Does the daughter have the right to talk to her bio father? Should she have gone about it in a different way, i.e. tell Mom and adopted Dad before she responded to his initial contact?


Thoughts?

Mom and Step-Dad are wrong. Their adult daughter has a right to know her natural father if that is what she wants. It's between her and her dad, and really none of their business.

And they were wrong to involve anybody else in the family over it too and allow it to ruin everyone's holidays.

I don't know if they are still angry with bio-dad or they feel threatened by him or what their problem is exactly, but they're wrong. They have no right to treat their adult DD like a traitor for wanting to have contact with her biological father.

 

[mamacatnv]

Mom and Step Dad are way out of line. She is an adult. Everyone has done things they regret, perhaps Bio Dad is trying to make amends. Whatever the reason Mom and Step Dad need to get over themselves and move on.

 

[nutterbutter2010]

I have spoken to Mom and Adopted Dad, and there is just no budging them. Moms line is - "Your right, she has every right to speak with her bio-father, but I don't have to like it, or put up with it." So by not "putting up with it" you mean not speaking to her.... so how does that figure in with her "having every right"??
I just don't understand. I know they say this guy was a (something I can't say on the Dis) but it was 40+ years ago. Plus, its not about Mom and Adopted Dad, its about the daughter getting the closure she needs. I tried over and over again to explain this to them, but its falling in deaf ears. I said that children who have been adopted to other famlies go out searching for their bio-parents, and thats not WRONG. Mom dissagreed, and told me that doing that KILLS every adopted parent. I've tried saying anything and everything I can, and nothing works. At this point, I really have to step down before they start to get mad at me for not agreeing with them. Yeah, family is a lot of friggin fun.....

 

[Kurby]

well - both are wrong

the mom and dad are angry but regardless of what bio dad did the children almost always want to contact bio parent at some point in time.

you didn't say how old the child was - is she a teenager, adult, adult with her own children??

if the girl is an adult then she should have acted like one and sat down with her mother when the first contact was made and discussed it with her mother.

the mom and dad were wrong for their behaviour and emails and even though it was sent and said because they were hurt the are the parent and 1 should have expected that one day one or all of the "bio" kids would one day want to find their father if for no other reason then to ask "why" why did he leave why no contact what was he such a jerk and 2 because they are the parent and parents should always be the voice of reason to their children -yell and scream all you want with your hubby or wife but when you sit down to talk to your children you're supposed to have a leavel head

not to mention that when you write an email it takes time - even if you are writing in anger you have time to look at it and think - should i really send this.

i'm sorry to disagree with JJ above but it is the parents business. the mom and dad raised the children the bio left behind so ya it is their business - they just handled it very poorly.

feelings like this come out with adoptive families all the time - what if they like the bio more then me/us, what if the bio has more money can give more gifts can give more..... whatever. it's completely natural that the one who raises regardless if they are adoptive or natural parents would be scared, hurt, frustrated, angry, sad - you name it.

what needs to happen is that the child/children and parents need to sit down at have an adult conversation. get the feelings out without being childish or hurtful to the others

as for your part in this - i think you should stay out of it since it doesn't involve you - unless you are one of the kids then it's best to stay away from it since picking sides could cause a problem for you

 

[JerseyJanice]

You can disagree with me Kurby! I don't know it all (just don't tell my family I said that ).

If I read the OP correctly, the DD in this case is in her 40's. I don't see how she has any obligation to clear seeing her bio-dad with her mother and her stepdad first. Like another PP wrote, she probably didn't because she had a clue that this is how they would react.

They turned it in a big drama and involved other family members. That's wrong. It's a bad idea to involve other family members in any family fight. For the sake of family harmony and what is right, disagreeing family members should keep their disagreements between themselves.

OP, I don't think this situation is any more your business than it was the parents' business to try and forbid their DD from seeing her father. At this point, you're probably best off stepping back and letting them figure it out. That may never happen with the mom being sick and that's tragic, but it's not your responsibility to fix things between the parents and their DD.

 

[minniecarousel]

The adult was less than 10 when bio-dad left. That's very young. I would be dissappointed in Mom & adoptive Dad for not understanding. Of course they're hurt, but why turn on this daughter? Is it worth killing the relationship with this offspring? I think M & D are in the wrong.

 

[Kurby]

ya sorry - i missed the flash forward 40 years line. (need to not read things on blackberry LOL)

but i still think that both the "child" and the parents handled it poorly and need to address this on their own

 

[happygirl]

I think mom and step dad are way out of line

 

[Jsme]

I think the adult daughter should have told the mom and step dad. I can see where they were hurt. I also think the mom and stepdad handled it horribly as well.

I think they all 3 need to sit down and have forgiveness. Mom is very sick. She does not need to have this on her. The daughter does not need to have this on her. Especially if mom dies before there's a resolution. Step dad is hurt and he needst to be apologized too. I think he owes his step daughter and apologize as well. However you need to remember men's ways of apologize is not as open as a woman's way. A hug is an apologize to a man, while I am sorry is for a woman. Of course along with the hug and some crying.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

The mom and step dad are being totally innapropriate. They need to get over it. LOL, sorry for short and to the point, I have a ripping headache. I don't mean to offend!

 

[Bluestars]

The adult daughter has every right to have a relationship with her biological father without explaining it to anyone or consulting with anyone. Maybe she kept it from her mother because she knew the type of reaction her mother would have and didn't want to cause her any pain.

But wow, you would think that after 40 years the mother wouldn't hold on to such bitterness and would not make things difficult for her daughter. It's too bad the mother is trying to put the daughter in the middle and in a way make her choose.

 

[Mrs.Toad]

Of course she has the right to talk to her biological father. She obviously knew how Mom and Step-Dad were going to react to her having contact with him, so she kept it to herself. They are all adults, and can communicate with anyone they choose.

Mom and Step-Dad are hurt, and that is a natural reaction, but they have to understand that her talking to her father does not diminish her love and respect for them...only their actions can do that!

This!

I tried over and over again to explain this to them, but its falling in deaf ears. I said that children who have been adopted to other famlies go out searching for their bio-parents, and thats not WRONG. Mom dissagreed, and told me that doing that KILLS every adopted parent. I've tried saying anything and everything I can, and nothing works. At this point, I really have to step down before they start to get mad at me for not agreeing with them. Yeah, family is a lot of friggin fun.....

(bolding mine). Mom and Dad are wrong in general, but I'm going to concentrate on this part. I'm an adoptive mom, and I know lots of adoptive parents who fully understand and support their children's relationships with their bio parents. My dd is just 6, but sometimes she cries that she misses her birthmom. I could choose to let that "kill" me, I guess, but instead I choose to understand and comfort her with some empathy and a hug. I would feel like a failure as an adoptive parent if my dd ever felt she had to hide a relationship with a birthparent from me.

That said, your family's situation is different, the way bio dad walked out on the family. Mom's animosity towards bio dad is definitely understandable in a way that doesn't usually happen with 2-parent, newborn adoptions like mine. But it's been 40 years. It's time to let it go.

 

[quentina]

I adopted 2 kids from foster care. I am more than aware that at some point my kids will be curious about their biological family and may reach out to them. Will I be hurt, probably however; its a part of the process.

Step dad is hurt............says some things he will regret in the future.

Bio Dad left 40 years ago............chances of him staying around are close to zero.

I am on the daughter's side. I hope she finds what she is looking for and makes everything right. Step dad will always be the person who raised her....bio dad will always be bio dad.

As someone with the exact experience.....My step dad is whom I am referring to when I say my "parents". I will never completley recover from the fact that my bio dad left me high and dry at 8 years old. Although I am blessed to have my step dad, that nagging reasoning as to why always lingers.

Bio dad died so, I will never know why he didn't want us.

 

[ticktock]

I'll be the lone dissenter I guess. Why on Earth would this woman WANT a relationship with a man who discarded her like an old sweater? If I was in this situation I'd tell the guy "I have a dad. Too little too late, jerk." He is only coming to her for HIS closure, so he can feel good before he kicks it. I wouldn't give him the time of day.

What do all the other kids think about the situation and their biodad?

This really doesn't relate to a regular adoption scenario. You may be given up for adoption by people who are trying to do the best for you. The biodad obviously didn't given a dang what was best for his kids or he wouldn't have left them to fend for themselves for 40 years. What a piece of trash. I can totally relate to the parents. Though I wouldn't cut ties completely with the daughter I would diffenately wonder were I went wrong raising someone who is so needy they will accept such a waste of space into their lives.

 

[C.Ann]

You can disagree with me Kurby! I don't know it all (just don't tell my family I said that ).

If I read the OP correctly, the DD in this case is in her 40's. I don't see how she has any obligation to clear seeing her bio-dad with her mother and her stepdad first. Like another PP wrote, she probably didn't because she had a clue that this is how they would react.

They turned it in a big drama and involved other family members. That's wrong. It's a bad idea to involve other family members in any family fight. For the sake of family harmony and what is right, disagreeing family members should keep their disagreements between themselves.

OP, I don't think this situation is any more your business than it was the parents' business to try and forbid their DD from seeing her father. At this point, you're probably best off stepping back and letting them figure it out. That may never happen with the mom being sick and that's tragic, but it's not your responsibility to fix things between the parents and their DD.

Coming from a grown woman who is adopted herself, I agree with all of the above..

 

[Silent1CB]

You said you didn't want to know about all this drama? If true, you probably wouldn't be posting about it here. So, you must be interested.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

Truthfully, for the mom to be so bitter so many years later I would think that would hurt the new husband more than his step-daughter talking to her bio-dad. If original dad hadn't left, step-dad wouldn't be with mom and they wouldn't have a child together.

Unless they have a bad relationship (and it doesn't sound like it to me) I think things worked out for the best. There's a song by Chicago called "If She Would Have Been Faithful" that is really profound. For some reason, I thought of that while reading these posts.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

I'll be the lone dissenter I guess. Why on Earth would this woman WANT a relationship with a man who discarded her like an old sweater? If I was in this situation I'd tell the guy "I have a dad. Too little too late, jerk." He is only coming to her for HIS closure, so he can feel good before he kicks it. I wouldn't give him the time of day.

What do all the other kids think about the situation and their biodad?

This really doesn't relate to a regular adoption scenario. You may be given up for adoption by people who are trying to do the best for you. The biodad obviously didn't given a dang what was best for his kids or he wouldn't have left them to fend for themselves for 40 years. What a piece of trash. I can totally relate to the parents. Though I wouldn't cut ties completely with the daughter I would diffenately wonder were I went wrong raising someone who is so needy they will accept such a waste of space into their lives.

That's a bit harsh.