Who Should Care for Grandma?

[NHdisneylover]

As far as resetning the sister in law--I think that is very harsh. Is grandma calling her to say "hey, next time you are at the store could you pick up xyz?" Why is it her daughter in law's job to always do that ASK i you want the help (and, seriously, you are upset that she is kayaking with friends when her kids are in school instead of making a point of going over to someone who doesn't ask for help to see if she can spend her free time helping that person?).

Anyway, whoever feels they can and wants to should help grandma--there are no right answers.

Tips to help (some of which have already been stated are):

1. pick up meds on a regular schedule and all together and put them in easy to open containers. Some pharmacies will put them in easy to open bottles when you get them if you have that noted in her chart.

2. Use a grocery delivery service.

3. If grandma will do it at all, teach her to use the internet and buy her Amazon Prime. She can buy a huge amount of what she needs from amazon (everything from toilet paper to cat food, even quite a bit of food stuffs--almost anything non perishable) without ever leaving the house and have it delivered the next day. Even is she will not learn, one of you could order for her and that is faster than going to get her and take her somewhere.

4. As much as I hate to say this (from an environmental standpoint), stock her with paper plates, etc so she has fewer dishes to deal with.

5. Hire a local teen or college kid to come by twice a week on a set schedule to clean, do laundry, do some pet care, etc.

6. Take a day, or two on a weekend (maybe June can fly out for this) and go through the house and get rid of as much clutter as possible. More stuff = more work cleaning.

Your grandmother has to be willing to help herself too if she is as mentally sharp as you say. That may well include getting rid of some or all plants or pets at some point, learning to sue internet for ordering things, and/or moving. It certainly includes planning ahead to consolidate errands, using available services for them when possible and asking for help when needed.

 

[HelenePA]

Have you out right ASKED her to shop for your gma?

 

[Jey12]

Good luck in whatever you decide to do. One thing to keep in mind is you're probably right that your grandmother does miss the attention your mother was able to give her. I would also imagine she's also very lonely and sad that her daughter has died. No matter what age you are, you should not have to bury your child. If she already had issues coping with stress the death of her daughter probably has lessened her ability to cope. I know money is limited but if you call the senior resource center maybe ask about a therapist type of person that could come talk to your grandma. As people age their ability to cope with stressful situations is diminished, and having addison's is going to make it worse. The therapist may have some tips that they know work well for the elderly for teaching them new ways to cope with stress and this could help keep your grandma more self sufficient longer. It could possibly make talking to her about long term care issues easier.

It sounds like what she really needs is basic housecleaning and an errand runner? It really shouldn't be too hard to find a reliable person willing to do this for $600 a month or less, and the senior resource center should have a list of people they would recommend for this type of job. Just make sure you interview for the position, check references and include your grandma in the decision. Let her know saying no to everyone it not an option.

 

[violetrose]

As far as resetning the sister in law--I think that is very harsh. Is grandma calling her to say "hey, next time you are at the store could you pick up xyz?" Why is it her daughter in law's job to always do that ASK i you want the help (and, seriously, you are upset that she is kayaking with friends when her kids are in school instead of making a point of going over to someone who doesn't ask for help to see if she can spend her free time helping that person?).

Anyway, whoever feels they can and wants to should help grandma--there is no right answers.

Tips to help (some of which have already been stated are):

1. pick up meds on a regular schedule and all together and put them in easy to open containers. Some pharmacies will put them in easy to open bottles when you get them if you have that noted in her chart.

2. Use a grocery delivery service.

3. If grandma will do it at all, teach her to use the internet and buy her Amazon Prime. She can but a huge amount of what she needs from amazon (everything from toilet paper to cat food, even quite a bit of food stuffs) without ever leaving the house and have it delivered the next day. Even is she will not learn one of you could order for her and that is faster than going to get her and take her somewhere.

4. As much as I hate to say this, stock her with paper plates, etc so she has fewer dishes to deal with.

5. Hire a local teen or college kid to come by twice a week on a set schedule to clean, do laundry, do some pet care, etc.

6. Take a day, or two on a weekend (maybe June can fly out for this) and go through the house and get rid of as much clutter as possible. More stuff = more work cleaning.

Your grandmother has to be willing to help herself too if she is as mentally sharp as you say. That may well include getting rid of some or all plants or pets at some point and/or moving. It certainly includes planning ahead to consolidate errands, using available services for them when possible and asking for help when needed.

Someone else mentioned the least helpful post on this thread, I think this one is the most helpful. All excellent suggestions. I hope the OP will consider each of the points made above.

 

[violetrose]

I'm sorry you misconstrued my post as me being an ungrateful grand daugther. I am not. Estelle is the only grandparent I ever got to know as the other 3 all died before I was born. We are extremely close and like to do things together. I don't mind helping her out some.....but I need to worry about MY health and sanity as well, and I'm just coming off of constant care of my mother. The family learned way too late in that game that we have to take time for ourselves and not get so burned out that we resent the person we're caring for. I DO NOT want this to soil my relationship with my grandma because we have an amazing one.

Bless your heart. You are doing the best you can and don't let anyone tell you differently. You've been given a lot of good suggestions on this thread and I've no doubt between you, your siblings and your Aunt; combined with the love you have for Estelle, everything will work out. Please don't beat yourself up or feel as though you aren't doing enough. I have kids around your age and although their grandparents aren't quite where Estelle is, I would be very proud if they were to shoulder this sort of responsibility. Everyone's heart is in the right place, that is the important thing. It's just ironing out the small details. Good luck and let us know how it turns out. I'm sure it won't be an overnight process.

 

[Lionqueen2]

My brother and SIL has two kids, ages 10 and 7, so they are in school.

My brother works 35-40 hours a week. He is pretty much with his family when he's not working - whether that be at home, or whatever activity they have that weekend.

I suppose I feel resentment towards my SIL since she is right next door to Grandma and has a 5 hour window during the day without the kids. I'm not naive enough to think she doesn't have anything to do then.....but when I know she out doing things like kayaking on a local river with her friends, attending dance classes, and going to grocery store...it's hard to understand why she can't do something as simple as calling grandma and saying "Hey I'm going to grocery shop.....can I do yours too?".

But as I said....I don't expect her to do that. It's not her grandma. I don't say anything about it to her or my brother. But I still resent it.

She does care about grandma. Bro and SIL usually send grandma over some of whatever they cooked for dinner.

I know I also may not get a clear picture of exactly how much Brother and SIL do for grandma. Grandma complains to me about how little they do and says things like "Did you know I have neighbors over there?".......but then I find out they deliver her dinner a few nights a week. I think sometimes grandma just wants something to complain about and is having a hard time adjusting to my mom not being next door. My mom spoke to her several times a day and was very involved with her since me and siblings were all out of the house and my mother was living alone. So I suspect Grandma feels neglected by Bro and SIL compared to the attention she was getting from my mom.

To me, the bolded part sounds like a key to your Grandmother's issues and perhaps the reason why you think you SIL does little. From what you said, you brother helped finance the house so Gma could stay in her home, which is not an unselfish act from a man with two small children to support. Also, SIL sends meals to her several times a week or possibly more. Yet, Gma seems to complain to you and maybe others that SIL is not doing enough. Those kinds of comments can only start to build resentment among the three of you and SIL.

I do think you, your SIS, BRO, and SIL are all doing, each in his/her own way, what can be done to help Gma. There are only 24 hours in a day and you can only do so much. I do think your Gma is asking too much of each of you and that she was used to having a lot of attention from your mother. Things change in life and we all need to adjust. Just because your Gma wants things her way, doesn't mean that that is the way it should be. She needs help. She needs to be in a situation that would meet her needs and she needs to accept that. If she requires counseling to do that, then help her get that.

Also, you aunt needs to be more involved. Just because she is 1000 miles away does not excuse her from responsibility. This is her mother and she should not be placing this burden on you, your sister and brother.

It is not easy to care for an elderly person. I admire that you and your siblings care so much for your Gma to help her as much as you do.

 

[agnes!]

Maybe the aunt who is 1000 miles away could call her mother a couple of times a week just to chat...

agnes!

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

You seem like such a sweet loving young woman.
This is such a big burden but you seem to have the best relationship which I'm sure makes her light up when your there.



One of my Aunts taught me just because you have children doesn't mean they will be there for you later in life. Sadly you can't make her children step up.

I wish you the best and hope you keep us updates.

 

[minkydog]

I suppose I feel resentment towards my SIL since she is right next door to Grandma and has a 5 hour window during the day without the kids. I'm not naive enough to think she doesn't have anything to do then.....but when I know she out doing things like kayaking on a local river with her friends, attending dance classes, and going to grocery store...it's hard to understand why she can't do something as simple as calling grandma and saying "Hey I'm going to grocery shop.....can I do yours too?".

But as I said....I don't expect her to do that. It's not her grandma. I don't say anything about it to her or my brother. But I still resent it.

Apparently you DO expect her to do that. What your SIL does with her time is none of your business. Yes, it would be nice if she pitched in, but it's not her grandma. I understand you're resentment, but it's focused on the wrong person. Grandma is the one who has failed to plan and isn't willing to do anything other than live in her house for free and request a stipend of $350/month.

I know I also may not get a clear picture of exactly how much Brother and SIL do for grandma. Grandma complains to me about how little they do and says things like "Did you know I have neighbors over there?".......but then I find out they deliver her dinner a few nights a week. I think sometimes grandma just wants something to complain about and is having a hard time adjusting to my mom not being next door. My mom spoke to her several times a day and was very involved with her since me and siblings were all out of the house and my mother was living alone. So I suspect Grandma feels neglected by Bro and SIL compared to the attention she was getting from my mom.

I think you're right on the money. I would also venture to guess that there is some depression going on too. Whether she genuinely doesn't remember your BIL & SIl dropping by is something that ya'll are going to have to determine. Perhaps there is a bit of early dementia there. She may be lonely and attention seeking. Its very common with elders to tell visitors or relatives that "nobody ever comes to see me", when you know good & well that someone has been there.

They also may complain as a way of making conversation. My MIL does this All.The.Time. My SIL lives in the same town and visits her mother in the nursing home every day, calls her twice a day too. But every time DH calls his mom(we live 400 miles away) all we hear is "the nurses are so mean, they food is horrible, nobody comes to see me." For the record, the food is great--we've eaten there several times. The nurses are *not* mean. We keep our eyes and ears open for real problems, of course. They are efficient and over-worked, but I have never witnessed anything I would consider abusive toward ANY client. The truth is, my MIL is a frail, bitter, lonely old lady who wishes she was young, able and living in her home. If she cant have that, she will settle for complaining and arguing. We understand that it's just how she is.

 

[faith]

What does her daughter say?
Grandma sounds like she needs some supervision now.
I think the suggestions on here for outside help coming in is a good one.
You sound like a wonderful grandaughter and a blessing to your Mom during her illness.

 

[janey99]

OP, to find some help, if care.com and sittercity.com are active platforms in your geogrpahical area, I'm pretty sure they both have eldercare services which are searchable.

Jane

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Apparently you DO expect her to do that. What your SIL does with her time is none of your business. Yes, it would be nice if she pitched in, but it's not her grandma. I understand you're resentment, but it's focused on the wrong person. Grandma is the one who has failed to plan and isn't willing to do anything other than live in her house for free and request a stipend of $350/month.



I think you're right on the money. I would also venture to guess that there is some depression going on too. Whether she genuinely doesn't remember your BIL & SIl dropping by is something that ya'll are going to have to determine. Perhaps there is a bit of early dementia there. She may be lonely and attention seeking. Its very common with elders to tell visitors or relatives that "nobody ever comes to see me", when you know good & well that someone has been there.

They also may complain as a way of making conversation. My MIL does this All.The.Time. My SIL lives in the same town and visits her mother in the nursing home every day, calls her twice a day too. But every time DH calls his mom(we live 400 miles away) all we hear is "the nurses are so mean, they food is horrible, nobody comes to see me." For the record, the food is great--we've eaten there several times. The nurses are *not* mean. We keep our eyes and ears open for real problems, of course. They are efficient and over-worked, but I have never witnessed anything I would consider abusive toward ANY client. The truth is, my MIL is a frail, bitter, lonely old lady who wishes she was young, able and living in her home. If she cant have that, she will settle for complaining and arguing. We understand that it's just how she is.

This is so true, Minky.

 

[ksjayhawks]

I have not read the whole thread, so this could have already been mentioned/discussed.

I think it is time for the three of you siblings to sit down, face to face, with June and discuss the future of Grandma's care. If Grandma has been in the hospital 3 times already, this could come up very quickly. One of these times she will not be able to come home and be by herself.

1. June needs to come down and look at nursing homes and have one/two picked out as places for grandma to go when she can no longer be alone. Find homes that accept medicaid/medicare. There is paperwork to fill out--June would have to do that--that would help with the cost of Grandma's care in a nursing home. Even though Grandma may not need to go there right away, it is better to have some places picked out than to have to decide quickly after a hospitalization.

2. Check into options for caregivers that come to the home. However, you may find that this is very expensive and could end up costing more than a nursing home.

3. Determine what care/help Grandma needs and set up a schedule among you three and June as to who will do what and when. Getting it on paper and getting the three of you to obligage yourself to doing certain things will hopefully ease the resentment that you are all feeling. Things that you are unable to do, check out the cost of having someone do that. Determine who will pay for the caregivers who help out.

I know you don't want to think about this but it may be time for Grandma to move into assisted living (can be very expensive depending on where you live and what is available and if there are any subsidized living units) or into the nursing home. June may have to make the decision for her, with the help of the family doctor or the hospital social workers.

 

[dngnb8]

When I moved back to my hometown, I immediately started taking care of my grand parents. I went to every Dr appt with them. They couldnt drive so I took them shopping etc. I did this because I loved them. I did this because of what they did for me when I was growing up. I did this because, they were my family.

 

[gottaluvPluto]

OP, I'm sorry you are having burn out taking care of family. I think you need to tell June to come down for a week and take care of her mom full time so you can have a break. Heck, you should take two entire weeks for just you. YOu might want to set that up quarterly or something, so you know that you will have time for just for you.

Also, I think your sil is doing way more than she needs to. I think you should be very grateful for all she is doing. Also, the dance classes and kayaking is her taking care of herself. You should not resent your SIL for being active and taking care of her health. Too many women neglect themselves to take care of the family and I'm glad your SIL is not doing that.

 

[clutter]

OP, to find some help, if care.com and sittercity.com are active platforms in your geogrpahical area, I'm pretty sure they both have eldercare services which are searchable.

Jane

I second using sittercity.com. And here's the deal. They run a 'trial' 30 day period. Well, you can post an ad, but can't respond to anyone unless you pay the $50/month fee. Once that expires, they will offer you a discounted rate to join. But they do have a category for posting for eldercare. If you have a college nearby, it would be a great job for someone.

I also second having someone pay for Amazon Prime for her. You'd be amazed what they deliver!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Honestly OP, it seems to me you are letting grandma divide and conquer you guys. Sure she needs help however it sounds like you guys are overdoing it.

She has been hospitalized several times now and her mental issues are sucking you guys in.

All of you need to have a family meeting without grandma and communicate better with how grandma is and her needs.

I know that with my mom & dad my sister and I HAVE TO compare notes because they like to "complain" and tell tales. They are becoming forgetful.

If you guys don't work together in a realistic manner you are going to keep building resentment which in turn results in poor care for grandma, which as a matter of fact is sometimes what they want. If they are "in crisis" then they think they can command your time.

Your goal is to get things running smoothly while at the same time putting your foot down with any unreasonable demands from grandma.

 

[cbg1027]

As far as resetning the sister in law--I think that is very harsh. Is grandma calling her to say "hey, next time you are at the store could you pick up xyz?" Why is it her daughter in law's job to always do that ASK i you want the help (and, seriously, you are upset that she is kayaking with friends when her kids are in school instead of making a point of going over to someone who doesn't ask for help to see if she can spend her free time helping that person?).

Anyway, whoever feels they can and wants to should help grandma--there are no right answers.

It's not her job, but SIL has known Grandma her entire life. Grandma changed SIL diapers. So I feel like this isn't quite your average grandma/ granddaughter-in law-relationship. Starting this thread has helped me to realize that perhaps the rest of us are unfair in thinking Dawn should help out with grandma. And that is why I never ask her.

Tips to help (some of which have already been stated are):

1. pick up meds on a regular schedule and all together and put them in easy to open containers. Some pharmacies will put them in easy to open bottles when you get them if you have that noted in her chart.

She gets a lot of her medications delivered...it's the one's that she doesn't take on a regular basis that have to be picked up. And that is a 'I need it it now' thing if she's prescribed an antibiotic or something.

2. Use a grocery delivery service.

Such a fantastic idea, but I did some research and it doesn't appear that there are any in our area.

3. If grandma will do it at all, teach her to use the internet and buy her Amazon Prime. She can buy a huge amount of what she needs from amazon (everything from toilet paper to cat food, even quite a bit of food stuffs--almost anything non perishable) without ever leaving the house and have it delivered the next day. Even is she will not learn, one of you could order for her and that is faster than going to get her and take her somewhere.

She does use the internet and shops online a lot so she doesn't have to go out.

4. As much as I hate to say this (from an environmental standpoint), stock her with paper plates, etc so she has fewer dishes to deal with.

(She has some...I know she uses them sometimes.

5. Hire a local teen or college kid to come by twice a week on a set schedule to clean, do laundry, do some pet care, etc.

I think this is exactly what we need - not a nurse.

6. Take a day, or two on a weekend (maybe June can fly out for this) and go through the house and get rid of as much clutter as possible. More stuff = more work cleaning.

June comes in late tomorrow night, and I have this on a list so us to do while she's here!

Your grandmother has to be willing to help herself too if she is as mentally sharp as you say. That may well include getting rid of some or all plants or pets at some point, learning to sue internet for ordering things, and/or moving. It certainly includes planning ahead to consolidate errands, using available services for them when possible and asking for help when needed.

Thank you for your suggestions.

Have you out right ASKED her to shop for your gma?

No, I don't. Grandma will ask her to pick up a couple things when she knows that SIL is going, but she doesn't think Dawn can handle getting her whole list.

Maybe the aunt who is 1000 miles away could call her mother a couple of times a week just to chat...

agnes!

Aunt and Gma talk on the phone several times a day. Aunt is involved....as much as one can be from 1000 miles away.

Apparently you DO expect her to do that. What your SIL does with her time is none of your business. Yes, it would be nice if she pitched in, but it's not her grandma. I understand you're resentment, but it's focused on the wrong person. Grandma is the one who has failed to plan and isn't willing to do anything other than live in her house for free and request a stipend of $350/month.

Grandma did plan....she let my mother plan things and thought she would be around. But then my mom died and that arrangement was no longer possible. That is not my grandmother's fault...or anyone's really. It was circumstance none of us were expecting. So I don't think Grandma failed to plan. She is only requesting from us what my mother promised her....and as my mother's heirs, I do think it is partially our responsibility. But we (the siblings) are not in the same financial situation my mother was. So it's just not possible. It sucks all around for everyone, but I cannot see blaming grandma for the plans falling apart given the circumstances.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Thank you for your suggestions.



No, I don't. Grandma will ask her to pick up a couple things when she knows that SIL is going, but she doesn't think Dawn can handle getting her whole list.



Aunt and Gma talk on the phone several times a day. Aunt is involved....as much as one can be from 1000 miles away.

People do not think of amazon as for foods, but I would bet that at least half of the list, and probably more like 75% could be bought from them (and delivered next day with Amazon Prime) which would cut waaaay down on what she would be asking Dawn, or you, or anybody else for.
Pretty much anything that is not perishable could be ordered from that one place (toothpaste, rice, juice, pasta, deodorant, etc). I am glad to read that your grandmother uses the internet--maybe she just needs a little nudge to realize how much MORE she could use it.

 

[HelenePA]

No, I don't. Grandma will ask her to pick up a couple things when she knows that SIL is going, but she doesn't think Dawn can handle getting her whole list.

Well then you have nothing to be mad at sil for.. its not Dawns fault its gma's .. people can not be mind readers... ask her to help out more.. maybe she thinks everything is taken care of and there isn't anything she can help out with... Good luck.