Who Failed Him?

[luvsJack]

Teen age boy at 17 keeps in getting in minor trouble, hanging out with the wrong crowd, etc. His mom is busily "looking for a husband", his father has nothing to do with him and his grandparents just keep handing him money. He is accused of stealing stereo equipment out of a car, but a deputy says they are pretty sure he did it but want to wait and get him when he is 18 and they can really "get him".

Before 18 he commits armed robbery and goes to jail. He stays there until he is 18 and then gets out. His mom will not talk to him nor will his grandparents. He has no job and no where to live, so he goes back to live with the "wrong crowd".

He commits another armed robbery at 20 and gets caught. Goes back to prison and stays there until he is almost 29. While in prison, they diagnose him as bi-polar and other mental disorders. They let him out, but he has to stay on his meds. They put him in an apartment and pay two months rent. He is on disablity because of the disorders and gets $600 a month.

He cannot get a job because of his record and he has 0 job skills and 0 experience.

So, he is 29 now. Has never had a job, never finished school. Is on meds but still has problems dealing with life. He can't seem to remember how much time has passed and that his peers' lives have continued. He thinks he has missed out on getting married or having children. He has never had a girlfriend. He has very little food in his apartment and doesn't know how to cook what he has. And he is hypo-glycemic, which I assumes means he needs to eat regularly.

Right now he is trying to stay around different people than he did in his past. But, they all have jobs, spouses and kids. I predict that he will be back in jail in a year, simply because he doesn't know what else to do.

So, is it all his own fault? Is it the fault of absent parents and too giving grandparents? Or law enforcement for not doing something before things got so bad? Or should things have been done differently for him in jail so that he would have some skills when he was released? Or a combination of them all? What do you think?

 

[happygirl]

I think when he was a child it was his parents fault, when he became an adult he is responsible for his own actions

 

[TheIncredibles!]

I don't think any one person failed him - everybody did. His family, the police, his school when he was in and JAIL - everybody had an opportunity to get this kid help or rehabilitate him and nobody did it.

 

[NHdisneylover]

His parents failed him as a child, but he is failing himself as an adult.
I have seen people with really bad pasts move on and make great futures for themselves. It can be done when people work at it instead of wallowing in self pity over their less than stellar childhoods.

 

[kellyg403]

I think when he was a child it was his parents fault, when he became an adult he is responsible for his own actions

I agree. At a certain point there has to be a certain amount of maturity that kicks in. I am assuming since he was diagnosed with bi polar and given opportunity, he has been counseled and hopefully taught some coping skills and responsibility.

Lots of people get stuck with the wrong parents, but ultimately make good choices. There are a lot of people diagnosed with mental disorders who stay on their meds and become productive members of society. So, honestly neither of these things sway my opiniion. I do think, if you know this person in a motherly/friendly way that one of the things that can make a difference is teaching him to cook, helping him achieve those coping skills he missed. Being in jail for 9 years of his life, honestly...way different than the real world. I feel this is one of the ways we fail as a society. Not teaching those offenders who have been in jail for a good portion of their youth coping/life skills to really make a difference for themselves.

Kelly

 

[luvmy3]

If his troubles started when he was 17 then he failed himself, by that age you know right from wrong.

 

[shortbun]

Family failed him and society is failing him now. He needs some serious help. He needs a job and a stable home. At 29, he can still have a great life with some boundaries due to his criminal activity. OP, I assume you know this man pretty well as you have described his family. Has he exhausted the social agencies and mental health clinics? Can you advocate for him with some people who are able to make things happen? Did he finish high school? If not, can he get his GED? What he needs is to be making positive moves towards normalcy and to make those steps fast. Can I help?

 

[NHdisneylover]

If his troubles started when he was 17 then he failed himself, by that age you know right from wrong.

Good point.

In Germany you are legally 100% responsible for your own actions after age 14 and I think that is reasonable. By that age, while you still need support, love, guidance, a roof over your head without having to pay for it yourself, etc--you do know enough about serious consequences to make appropriate choices.

 

[shortbun]

Good point.

In Germany you are legally 100% responsible for your own actions after age 14 and I think that is reasonable. By that age, while you still need support, love, guidance, a roof over your head without having to pay for it yourself, etc--you do know enough about serious consequences to make appropriate choices.

Did you guys READ the oriiginal post? Do you actually think the adults in this man's life started failing him when he turned 17? Dad's not in his life at all at 17...Mom looking for new husband....grandparents throwing money at it. Sounds like there was a history of stupidity in his life-not his-from when he was a little boy. He did what any child would do, he went looking for a group of people who would 'like' him. That's why kids get in gangs because the gangs care for the young kids-feed and protect them-until they are old enough to be criminals and have lived with the gangs since they were little. You can not define everyone's life by what would work for you. Human beings must start to have empathy and understanding for each other if we are to succeed as a society. You can not expect people to conform to your ideas and if not, they are just bad. It's this kind of rigidity that fills the ranks of the KKK and Skinhead or mercenary groups here in our country. They do not allow people to be different. Take a look around you the next time you go to the grocery. Does everyone look the same to you?

 

[NHdisneylover]

Did you guys READ the oriiginal post? Do you actually think the adults in this man's life started failing him when he turned 17? Dad's not in his life at all at 17...Mom looking for new husband....grandparents throwing money at it. Sounds like there was a history of stupidity in his life-not his-from when he was a little boy. He did what any child would do, he went looking for a group of people who would 'like' him. That's why kids get in gangs because the gangs care for the young kids-feed and protect them-until they are old enough to be criminals and have lived with the gangs since they were little. You can not define everyone's life by what would work for you. Human beings must start to have empathy and understanding for each other if we are to succeed as a society. You can not expect people to conform to your ideas and if not, they are just bad. It's this kind of rigidity that fills the ranks of the KKK and Skinhead or mercenary groups here in our country. They do not allow people to be different. Take a look around you the next time you go to the grocery. Does everyone look the same to you?

No, everyone does not look the same to me at all. However, I think that by 17, even if your parents have been idiots and ignored you, you know right from wrong and should be able to not start getting into the kind of serious trouble that lands you in jail--and if you DO do that you have to take responsibility for having made that choice in order to feel belonging, or get attention or what have you.
I know (personally, first hand) many teens who got themselves together in spite of terrible parents and some who screwed themselves up in spite of fabulous parents. At some point you have to take personal responsibility. I guess, as much as anything, at this point SOCIETY is failing him by defending his failure to take responsibility for his actions as somehow okay because he had parents who ignored him.

 

[luvmy3]

Did you guys READ the oriiginal post? Do you actually think the adults in this man's life started failing him when he turned 17? Dad's not in his life at all at 17...Mom looking for new husband....grandparents throwing money at it. Sounds like there was a history of stupidity in his life-not his-from when he was a little boy. He did what any child would do, he went looking for a group of people who would 'like' him. That's why kids get in gangs because the gangs care for the young kids-feed and protect them-until they are old enough to be criminals and have lived with the gangs since they were little. You can not define everyone's life by what would work for you. Human beings must start to have empathy and understanding for each other if we are to succeed as a society. You can not expect people to conform to your ideas and if not, they are just bad. It's this kind of rigidity that fills the ranks of the KKK and Skinhead or mercenary groups here in our country. They do not allow people to be different. Take a look around you the next time you go to the grocery. Does everyone look the same to you?

Yes, I read the OP and given the info she stated I stand by my opinion. I'm not going to base my opinion on what I assume.

 

[Carnie]

And this, in a nutshell, is what is wrong with society today.

Since when does it "take a village" to convince someone that armed robbery is WRONG?

Stop making excuses for people and their choices. Lots of people grow up in situations that are much worse.

Gangs do not "clothe and feed kids" until they come of age. That's ridiculous.

 

[shortbun]

And this, in a nutshell, is what is wrong with society today.

Since when does it "take a village" to convince someone that armed robbery is WRONG?

Stop making excuses for people and their choices. Lots of people grow up in situations that are much worse.

Gangs do not "clothe and feed kids" until they come of age. That's ridiculous.

You are very naive. If it makes you feel good, embrace it. I prefer reality.

 

[Hannathy]

His parents failed him as a child, but he is failing himself as an adult.
I have seen people with really bad pasts move on and make great futures for themselves. It can be done when people work at it instead of wallowing in self pity over their less than stellar childhoods.

I agree with this.

What choices did he make while in jail? he had a lot of time, why didn't he read a few cook books? A lot of times you can take college classes or training.

I will give that it is hard to get a job with a record, 100% agree there and in this economy I'm sure it is even harder and I do feel sorry for him there but he needs to be trying. Is he working anything he can find? Even 1 day a week would start building a reference. He is lucky he is getting $600 a month he could be getting nothing!

I feel bad for him but this is why we make choices and people who make bad ones repeatedly are going to have it harder than the kids who made good ones, stayed in school didn't break the law, etc, as it should be.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

EVERYBODY failed him. Him mother, grandparents, father, school, judicial system.

 

[FredinFL]

IMHO he failed himself.

 

[Christine]

His parents probably started with it but, overall, I believe the mental health *system* in this country (or lack of one) is mainly the cause for failure.

If we are to believe what we know about bi-polar disorder, an untreated bi-polar cannot make good decisions. So, being untreated at 17 and 20 and probably on a manic high, probably explains his armed robbery "decision."

So, up until that time, I blame the parents and health care personnel for not treating this child properly before he got to that point.

Now that he has been incarcerated and obviously not rehabilitated well enough, I blame them for not doing what they are supposed to do with criminals who are in for the short-term: rehab them and make them productive.

That's over now and the young man is being treated and taking his meds. It's time for him to own it.

 

[kellyg403]

Did you guys READ the oriiginal post? Do you actually think the adults in this man's life started failing him when he turned 17? Dad's not in his life at all at 17...Mom looking for new husband....grandparents throwing money at it. Sounds like there was a history of stupidity in his life-not his-from when he was a little boy. He did what any child would do, he went looking for a group of people who would 'like' him. That's why kids get in gangs because the gangs care for the young kids-feed and protect them-until they are old enough to be criminals and have lived with the gangs since they were little. You can not define everyone's life by what would work for you. Human beings must start to have empathy and understanding for each other if we are to succeed as a society. You can not expect people to conform to your ideas and if not, they are just bad. It's this kind of rigidity that fills the ranks of the KKK and Skinhead or mercenary groups here in our country. They do not allow people to be different. Take a look around you the next time you go to the grocery. Does everyone look the same to you?

Sure, sounds like lots of adults in his life taught him things they shouldn't have. But it doesn't negate the fact that at some point he has to take responsibility for himself and realize that he needs to make those changes for himself. I don't think this particular person is 'bad'. I think he needs someone in his life to help him get on the right path...once on that path his decisions are his own. He was given a place to live, given a medical diagnosis and help, is getting disability etc. He wasn't left to die on the streets of this cold awful world. He was given a helping hand and now HE has to figure out where to go from here. Does he still need a helping hand? sure he does. Like another posted, does he have a GED? Can he drive? While I agree armed robbery convictions make him less hirable in certain jobs he still has the ability to get a job. There are many places that do this type of thing..help ex offenders get back in the job market with employers who are willing to take a chance. Will it be highly paid and wonderful? Doubtful but he will be able to get a chance to PROVE himself.

OP, I do think this particular person was given mixed signals growing up. I do think it would be helpful to help him a bit get acclimated, but ultimately if he does reoffend, that is his choice, not his parents, his grandparents etc. I bet if the grandparents were throwing money at him to make the problem go away he has done other illegal things before he turned 17. They just happened to be juvenile arrests.

I don't always assume anything by posts. I always assume there are 2 or 3 or sometimes 4 versions of every story. I don't want to say anyone failed this young man nor would I say anyone didn't. Like another posted, 9 years in jail and he could have used that time wisely as so many others have done.

Kelly

 

[Jewel1310]

I think it is so easy to generalize about someone's life. How do you sum up a parental or grandparent interaction in one sentence. Is this the 17yr old now 29 year old's summary or an impartial observer?

Has he contacted any community action agencies or community services in his area to inquire about job skills? If not he should do that.

The last thing this person needs is to determine who failed him. What he, and those around him need to do, is focus on how to move beyond where he is today. There are agencies and case workers who can assist him if he would like to move in that direction. It isn't easy - but it would be possible.

 

[Magpie]

Hm... I know a guy who was caught participating in a robbery when he was a young man. While awaiting sentencing, he was diagnosed as bipolar and the judge gave him a second chance, releasing him so long as he saw a doctor regularly and took his meds.

He met a woman and fell in love. She basically took over his life, keeping everything in order for him. It's not been the easiest life for them, but they're still together 30 years later and still in love. He's a success story. And it's due to three factors - early diagnosis, a judge who was willing to give him a second chance, and a woman who loves him. Being on disability and having his psychiatrist and meds covered helps, too.

Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like the man in the OP had any of these things. However, his life is far from over yet. He sounds like he needs a mentor, a psychologist and a decent social worker. The system should be able to provide at least one of these.

I wouldn't waste time wondering who "failed" him. Just move ahead and try to find him the help he needs now.