WHITE HOUSE RELEASES REDACTED VERSION OF CONSTITUTION
Twenty-eight Pages Deemed 'Too Sensitive'
The White House today released an edited version of the U.S. Constitution minus twenty-eight pages that were deemed "too sensitive" to be shared with the American public.
The altered document was "hand-redacted" by Attorney General John Ashcroft using a Marks-a-Lot magic marker, the White House said, with the goal of removing the ninety-four percent of the original document that could have adversely impacted national security.
In an official statement, the White House commended the changes, saying, "The redacted version of the United States Constitution is not only a much safer document, it is also a much quicker read."
At first glance, the edited version of the historic document appeared to be missing some of its most memorable passages, including the First Amendment of the Bill of Rights.
In the newly redacted version, the Second Amendment protecting the right to bear arms climbs up a notch to become the new First Amendment, "where it should have been in the first place," Mr. Ashcroft said.
President Bush, speaking to the nation about the changes to the Constitution, read from a redacted speech that had over twenty thousand words excised from its text, leaving only sixteen words intact.
Moments after delivering the speech, however, Mr. Bush disowned responsibility for those sixteen words, saying, "I have no idea how they got in there."
The White House later released a copy of the controversial sixteen-word speech with all sixteen words blacked out.
In other news, on Wall Street today shares of the Avery Corporation soared on news of increased demand for its popular Marks-a-Lot magic markers.
**** 'BOROWITZ REPORT ****
Twenty-eight Pages Deemed 'Too Sensitive'
The White House today released an edited version of the U.S. Constitution minus twenty-eight pages that were deemed "too sensitive" to be shared with the American public.
The altered document was "hand-redacted" by Attorney General John Ashcroft using a Marks-a-Lot magic marker, the White House said, with the goal of removing the ninety-four percent of the original document that could have adversely impacted national security.
In an official statement, the White House commended the changes, saying, "The redacted version of the United States Constitution is not only a much safer document, it is also a much quicker read."
At first glance, the edited version of the historic document appeared to be missing some of its most memorable passages, including the First Amendment of the Bill of Rights.
In the newly redacted version, the Second Amendment protecting the right to bear arms climbs up a notch to become the new First Amendment, "where it should have been in the first place," Mr. Ashcroft said.
President Bush, speaking to the nation about the changes to the Constitution, read from a redacted speech that had over twenty thousand words excised from its text, leaving only sixteen words intact.
Moments after delivering the speech, however, Mr. Bush disowned responsibility for those sixteen words, saying, "I have no idea how they got in there."
The White House later released a copy of the controversial sixteen-word speech with all sixteen words blacked out.
In other news, on Wall Street today shares of the Avery Corporation soared on news of increased demand for its popular Marks-a-Lot magic markers.
**** 'BOROWITZ REPORT ****
