Which is worse: Finding spouse with mistress, prostitute or that (s)he's gay?

[N.Bailey]

Just clearing the air here.

My best friend is gay (lesbian) and I've had 2 co-workers who were openly gay; male; one I couldn't stand, but I''d bet no one here would like him either, and the 2nd being one of the most sincere individuals I've ever know.

Maybe my opinion is based on things they've said to me thru the year. It still doesn't change the fact that I would be devastated to learn that my husband was was having an affair with another man; though I get the argument that he was trying to his best to follow the main steam of things.

 

[ConcKahuna]

I voted for finding out your spouse has a mistress. Because to me that shows an emotional bond, and I think that would be the hardest.

Finding them with a prostitute, that's just about sex.

Finding out they are gay, well, that just means I don't have the physical parts they are attracted to.

Don't get me wrong, any of the three would be absolutely devastating. But for me, knowing he went out and made that emotional bond with another women while he was with me, that would probably be the hardest to get over.

That's my opinion as well.

Now for some of my favorites...

What if they are having an ongoing affair with a gay prostitute?

Gay would be OK if I was allowed to join in.

The mistress would bother me the most because I'd feel that I'd totally failed as a wife and closest friend. Finding out he was gay would make me feel he was just totally screwed up (through no fault of mine) and didn't know which end was up.

The odd thing is, people I know who were cheated on, got divorced and it was not pretty.

Those that I know that one person eventually came out, they got divorced, but remained friendly.

I had a good friend who I used to work with who was gay. He had been married for 12 years, and had a 10 year old son with his ex wife. When he came out, she was shocked at first, but then as she said "I always thought he might be, so I figured I'd get him while I could" They actually still live together, and his boyfriend lives with them. It's one of the closest families I've ever seen, even without a marraige involved.

I asked my DH this, and his first response was, "Does the prostitute have a disease?"

Just clearing the air here.

My best friend is gay (lesbian) and I've had 2 co-workers who were openly gay; male; one I couldn't stand, but I''d bet no one here would like him either, and the 2nd being one of the most sincere individuals I've ever know.

Maybe my opinion is based on things they've said to me thru the year. It still doesn't change the fact that I would be devastated to learn that my husband was was having an affair with another man; though I get the argument that he was trying to his best to follow the main steam of things.

The "Having an affair" would probably go under the "mistress" category. The option above isn't that your spouse cheated with someone of the same sex, but that they were just gay.

 

[Imzadi]

The option above isn't that your spouse cheated with someone of the same sex, but that they were just gay.

Oh, man! I forgot to add an option for, "What if you found out he was having sex on the down low?!?

"On the down low" for those who don't know, are "straight" men who have sex with other men, but who vehemently don't believe they are gay.

Of course I did say "Finding spouse visits prostitutes (and would it matter which sex?)" I actually meant gender for sex. Would it matter which gender the prostitute was? I don't think that came out clear as which sex could have meant which kind of sex: protected, unprotected, kinky, etc., that we won't get into for fear of points.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Prostitute.

Being cheated on is bad enough. Being cheated on by a spouse who is PAYING to cheat is worse. And even worse than that is having a spouse paying to cheat with a PROFESSIONAL who is exposed to all sorts of diseases on a daily basis. That's nasty on a whole new level.

Ditto....

 

[mjkacmom]

I have to agree. It would be the worst. Double or triple betrayal.

I agree - the whole relationship was a lie.

 

[happygirl]

First, to happygirl, you can't turn someone gay, not possible, so that makes no sense.

To N.Bailey, they are born that way, and they don't wake up one day and say, "I think I am gay." They wake up one day and realize, oh, no wonder I have always been unhappy, I am gay. There is a difference.

My Mom was married to two different men. She thought she was always picking the wrong guys. She didn't realize that she was gay. It wasn't something she let herself realize, it just wasn't accepted. She wasn't hiding it from others, and lying to others, she just didn't know herself well enough to realize and admit it to herself until she was about 38. She has a couple of friends the same way.


As for the initial question, I have to say that I would be most upset if I found out they were regularly visiting a prostitute.

we will just agree to disagree cause I believe it's a choice

 

[ConcKahuna]

we will just agree to disagree cause I believe it's a choice

As a gay person, I can tell you it's not a choice (for most people). Are there some people who can just "decide" to swap over? Probably.

Here's some interesting info on homosexuality from WebMD...

http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/news/20050128/is-there-gay-gene

 

[rie'smom]

My first husband was abusive.
I left him.
He moved in with a guy.
I figured he was abusive because he couldn't face his homosexuality and took it out on me. Not right but I understood.
We got along great.
The lover didn't work out. Never learned of any other SO.
My 2nd husband and my 1st husband called each other husband-in-law.
We stayed friendly until he died.
Since I've been through this-it wouldn't bother me as much a 2nd time but it would tell me that I don't have gaydar.

I would be very annoyed if my husband slept with a prostitute.
If he had a mistress, I'd tell him bye-bye move in with her.

 

[PghLybrt]

we will just agree to disagree cause I believe it's a choice

I hate to burst your bubble............

Believe all you want but know that if I could chose an easier life, one where all my family valued me wouldn't I?


Seriously when you looked at your husband did you think "Wow I chose to be attracted to him" or were you just attracted to him?


I don't want to get off topic I just had to speak up.

Still I go with the mistress.

 

[happygirl]

I hate to burst your bubble............

Believe all you want but know that if I could chose an easier life, one where all my family valued me wouldn't I?


Seriously when you looked at your husband did you think "Wow I chose to be attracted to him" or were you just attracted to him?


I don't want to get off topic I just had to speak up.

Still I go with the mistress.

Like I said earlier I will just agree to disagree

 

[ConcKahuna]

Like I said earlier I will just agree to disagree

Did you happen to read the article I linked? Yes a lot of the findings are still under debate, but it brings up some interesting points with genetic similarities.

 

[JennyMominRI]

Like I said earlier I will just agree to disagree

Not going to answer the question?
When did you decide to be attacted to men?

 

[PghLybrt]

What, no answers to my questions?

 

[ImMarcik]

I voted for other. I was in a situation that I thought was very similar to finding out my husband was gay, in that I found out I could never be the person my husband was attractive to. It was very hard to deal with in the fact that, there was no way i could fight for him when he knew before we were married I was not the type of woman he could be attractive to. I don't have time to go into more because I'm at work and I am not sure how much I would want to air in public anyway, but feel free to PM if you want to know more information. BTW we are divorced now and I am much happier.

 

[BratTink]

It drives me crazy when people think its a choice. I taught a college level physiology of the brain class in grad school. There was an excellent chapter in the textbook about the ACTUAL PHYSICAL BRAIN DIFFERENCES between hetero and homosexual men. There is a grouping of cells in the brain that in homosexual men and women is the same size, in heterosexual men its significantly smaller, measurably smaller. Happygirl, how do you explain that difference? Once a man decides to be gay, does it suddenly change?

 

[ASFCurly]

Like I said earlier I will just agree to disagree

I am guessing you have issues that won't let you admit to yourself the truth, and for that, I feel incredibly sorry for you.

 

[ConcKahuna]

It drives me crazy when people think its a choice. I taught a college level physiology of the brain class in grad school. There was an excellent chapter in the textbook about the ACTUAL PHYSICAL BRAIN DIFFERENCES between hetero and homosexual men. There is a grouping of cells in the brain that in homosexual men and women is the same size, in heterosexual men its significantly smaller, measurably smaller. Happygirl, how do you explain that difference? Once a man decides to be gay, does it suddenly change?

If men could change parts of their anatomy on a whim, I dont think it would be brain cell clusters changing for most of them...

 

[Cool-Beans]

Oh, here we go.

Not wanting your spouse to be gay is not the same as not wanting anyone to be gay. Just like not wanting your husband to sleep with girls he meets in bars doesn't mean you don't want anyone to sleep with girls they meet in bars. A gay spouse would just be the hardest thing for a marriage to bounce back from, IMO.

And I don't blame the gay spouse for being gay. Nor do I think the gay spouse was necessarily lying or evil. They may simply have not come to terms with it. I just think it would be the hardest thing for a marriage because there's no way through it or around it that could possibly end with everyone being happy except divorce. Therefore, bad for the marriage.

I really hope that nobody confuses the issue there before or during all the talk about how being gay is bad and being Christian is bad, etc.

 

[Biscuitsmom31]

I actually had a spouse "turn" gay. I'll tell you about it since I have no issues with telling all my dirty laundry on the internet.

We married very young and I don't think he had come to terms with what he wanted/needed in life. It was very painful at the time because I felt completely helpless to do anything about it and I was the first in my family-extended family included-to ever get divorced.

That said, we're both much happier now. I know he didn't choose to be gay. In fact, I think he married me to try and force himself the other way.

 

[DVC-Don]

Brother in Law of mine had his wife walk out on him and their two kids .................... for another woman.