Where should my kid go? Help :(

[JLTraveling]

That would have been a good example for helping support you. Understand your strengths and weaknesses or just vetting out if a way you're being taught isn't working for you. It's so very understandable that we get defeatist when we are not good at something or good at the way others see it. I wouldn't say it's related to professionals with degrees because everyone is capable of that. A parent can easily say that to a kid. A classmate can easily say that to a kid. But if we support the kids it would go a long way. The fact that you took that so hard would be exactly why I would want that 5 year old to get the support with respects to peers. Like I said in my other comment when my sister got to Cornell no longer was top dog and it affected her so much because she was so used to people telling her how smart she was, how good at school she was that other students easily pointed out the holes in comparison to her. It got to her so much she switched from civil engineering which she had been in years for and had gone to Cornell for to english. Now she had other issues too but that hit her like a mack truck being told she wasn't as good as she had thought.

Oh I definitely agree that anyone can say something devastating. I was just thinking about the earlier comment about leaving it up to the professionals with degrees. Precisely because they're supposed to be experts, their words can often be the most cutting of all.

Interestingly, I think I might sort of understand what your sister experienced. Not because I had any illusions of being special by the time I got there, but because it really does take you aback when you meet your intellectual equal/superior for the first time. When I got to the super advanced high school at 12, they put me in 10th grade. And everyone in that school was just brilliant. Being with classmates who poked holes in my theories and challenged my thoughts was absolutely what I needed, but also quite humbling.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Oh I definitely agree that anyone can say something devastating. I was just thinking about the earlier comment about leaving it up to the professionals with degrees. Precisely because they're supposed to be experts, their words can often be the most cutting of all.

Interestingly, I think I might sort of understand what your sister experienced. Not because I had any illusions of being special by the time I got there, but because it really does take you aback when you meet your intellectual equal/superior for the first time. When I got to the super advanced high school at 12, they put me in 10th grade. And everyone in that school was just brilliant. Being with classmates who poked holes in my theories and challenged my thoughts was absolutely what I needed, but also quite humbling.

I really think if she had been better prepared it would have helped immensely. She kinda went through the high school years unchecked.

For her it was either Cornell or Rolla anything else was just not worthy. She did have a full ride to one of our in-state universities although I don't think that would have been the best fit for her anyhow. But then when she got to Cornell it was like whoa to her in ways she had never experienced before. My parents weren't ever the sort to push going to a specific school, I mean we were expected to get A's and B's but beyond that how she got the way she did is still a mystery to me honestly.

 

[TippyThomas]

I have no idea what my IQ is, but based on everything I'm reading here, I must be below average.

 

[Threehearts]

This. My entire childhood was a fight to be heard. And my parents kept trying different placements in an effort to find a place where we didn't have to fight. I distinctly remember the special education coordinator for our district asking me, when I was seven, what I wanted to be when I grew up. I listed off four or five different things: astronaut, surgeon, and a couple more. She said, "You can't do all that. It's too much school." I said, "If you let me get started, I can." I didn't mean it in a snotty way at all. Just that I had huge dreams and they all involved a lot of studying, and all I wanted from them was the opportunity to do all that studying.

I would also caution all parents (not addressing this to you at all, I know you already know it): Be really careful with those professionals with advanced degrees. I was seven when I started taking high school classes. I had already taught myself algebra, but I hated rote memorization so I hadn't bothered to learn the multiplication tables (I could multiply, just not rattle off the tables on demand). The school system hired a "math mentor" for me to fill in the gaps. The very first day, she said, "I don't know who told you that you were gifted, but you're definitely not gifted in math."

I took it to heart. I gave up my dreams of being an astronaut or a surgeon. I only made it through trig in high school, then I tested out of basic math in college. The only math class I took after that was one stats class that was required for my degree (and got 100%, but that didn't matter).

Years later, I found myself doing freelance curriculum development, and I had to write a lesson plan on Euclid's Geometry. I was terrified. But as I got into it, I realized that I understood it perfectly. I decided to test the theory. I got my engineer father to teach me calculus over a weekend, and then I signed up for astrophysics. I ended up earning a certificate in astrophysics through MIT, with a 97 average. Not gifted in math, my foot. But I wasted all those years believing I was a math dummy. Don't let the professionals with degrees do that to your kids, please.

Wow! My husband has a DSc from MIT(Biochemical Engineering doctorate), was a Fulbright scholar and has an advanced business degree from Sloan. For some reason many in our MIT friend circle were also similarly qualified but were getting their doctorates in Aerospace Engineering, Astrophysics and similar. These people took 5-6 years to complete their studies, their research projects and in all cases to finish and publish their dissertations.

That you were able to accomplish all that at MIT in a fraction of the time is very impressive. Congratulations!

 

[JLTraveling]

I really think if she had been better prepared it would have helped immensely. She kinda went through the high school years unchecked.

For her it was either Cornell or Rolla anything else was just not worthy. She did have a full ride to one of our in-state universities although I don't think that would have been the best fit for her anyhow. But then when she got to Cornell it was like whoa to her in ways she had never experienced before. My parents weren't ever the sort to push going to a specific school, I mean we were expected to get A's and B's but beyond that how she got the way she did is still a mystery to me honestly.

Sounds like a rough situation for everyone. Is she doing better now?

 

[JLTraveling]

Wow! My husband has a DSc from MIT(Biochemical Engineering doctorate), was a Fulbright scholar and has an advanced business degree from Sloan. For some reason many in our MIT friend circle were also similarly qualified but were getting their doctorates in Aerospace Engineering, Astrophysics and similar. These people took 5-6 years to complete their studies, their research projects and in all cases to finish and publish their dissertations.

That you were able to accomplish all that at MIT in a fraction of the time is very impressive. Congratulations!

Just to be clear, it was a certificate through their online division, not a full degree. So no research or dissertation or anything, just a series of courses. I would LOVE to go for a doctorate in it, but I'm drowning in student debt already, and I have no idea what I would actually do with the degree if I had it. But earning that certificate meant the world to me after everything.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Sounds like a rough situation for everyone. Is she doing better now?

She is married and seemingly thriving enough so there's that

 

[MamaMermaid]

Is your son 5 years old and in Pre K? When did he turn 5?

Yes. It's state law. He's a Nov. birthday.

 

[VandVsmama]

A large percentage of those who are of high intelligence fall on the Autism spectrum. This causes problems with socialization as people with ASD generally do not have a desire to be social and do not process social cues as thosw who are neurotypical do. Unfortunately up until about a decade ago, there were no programs to nurture the academic pursuits while also ensuring the children were receiving the resources needed to help them socialize properly. This is what happened to me and it took going off to University and taking psychology courses and meeting and having a relationship with a woman who was working with early childhood development and intervention, to realize areas where my personality was lacking. This woman actually actively socialized me as an adult. She had the patience of a Saint.

Children with ASD today have the opportunity to be socialized at an early age. There are even therapies and programs for those with severe ASD to get socialized to a degree.

I think your suggestion to have the OP's child tested for ASD is good advice.

 

[DLgal]

I think your suggestion to have the OP's child tested for ASD is good advice.

Seconded.

It sounds like this child has some social skills deficits.

 

[OhhBother]

Former gifted kid here (140s IQ way back when - now I'm just old!). My best advice is to put your child where he'll be challenged. I was SO bored until I got into a gifted program and eventually skipped two grades. I never connected with classmates my own age. I found my peer group with kids significantly older than I was, and I had an amazing time in school once I finally found it interesting. Also, let him chase his interests. For me, it was student newspaper, band, Scripps spelling bee and drama. I still use things I learned in all of those activities in my professional life today.

At 5 years old, he'll have no trouble making new friends and adjusting to a new setting. Kids are resilient, and I bet he'll thrive when he's in an environment where he can really engage.

 

[cabanafrau]

Interesting thread with lots of info to digest.

That's about all I'm qualified to contribute.

 

[barkley]

The solution in real life is a LOT of supported/sheltered environments, yes. They aren't placed with kindergartners, but they ARE placed into classrooms with similarly functioning kids (in all grade levels). In addition, the schools work very hard at creating a culture of inclusion and support, and facilitate interactions (things like lunch clubs and collaboration with the athletes for campus activities) with typical peers so that the socially behind kids can have age appropriate interactions and learn some social skills. The speech therapists bring in typical peer "buddies" to practice conversations and social skills. In the Adult Transition program, a LOT of the curriculum is learning about social safety, internet/app safety, and there is a collaboration with the local PD on things like personal safety and using 911 (they literally call on to the emergency dispatch center and get to practice making 911 calls for different situations). It's a whole lot of differentiated instruction, but without taking the kids away from their age group peers.

that's great that their school does this-VERY valuable. we are VERY fortunate to have a program at our community college that has been built to provide staff and peer supports for students on the spectrum. the transition from high school to college is challenging for anyone but it can be downright dangerous for someone with impaired social skills (there is a tremendous focus on personal safety and predatory behaviors). my son did a 2 year program that had the pandemic not occurred and triggered a whole new set of issues that has thrown him into a rabbit hole of agoraphobia would have served him well. he had actually gotten very involved with the large board gaming club and community which included many 'neuro typs' (as he and his asd friends like to refer to those of us not 'chosen' to be on the spectrum). he socialized more than he had in his entire life.

 

[barkley]

op-just want to share an option that may be a LONG SHOT but since i know in some places it does exist in at least the private school setting.

One Room Schoolhouse- my kids attended these grade 1st-8th. it was fascinating to observe. in two different settings (different states) kids of a WIDE range of capabilities. i saw with my asd son (who has learning disabilities but is incredibly advanced in some subjects) along with students who were very academically advanced along with age appropriate academically kids (my oldest fell into this group) in a learning situation where they could progress in each subject at the best level that served them. although they were assigned a specific grade level if they demonstrated proficiency they could move into the subsequent course materials. younger kids had the opportunity to overhear the instruction in higher grade levels in a subject they also studied and could see where the 'building blocks' of their introductory studies would lead to, older students overheard the fundamentals of subjects being presented to younger grades and it served as tremendous reinforcement (both my kids had the best spelling, grammar and punctuation skills in high school which their then public school teachers attributed to them overhearing it year after year).

socially-it was very beneficial. kids had the opportunity to interact with a variety of ages and also observe how learning environments/expectations can change based on age. over the years there were some very intelligent kids who had a tendency to behave in a rude manner to those they perceived as intellectually inferior (generally the kids their own age/younger-they never pulled this with the older kids) and the older kids would (for lack of a better term) call them on it. never in a hostile or threatening way-just point out that they were being rude or condescending, that it was inappropriate and that if they wanted respect then it had to go both ways.

not a good fit for everyone but it did offer some benefits not afforded within the traditional academic settings (at least of the past 60 or 70 years).

 

[MamaMermaid]

Seconded.

It sounds like this child has some social skills deficits.

Thanks for the concern. He's been screened for ASD by the pediatrician on all well checks. I guess it may be worth contacting a behaviorist.

 

[TwoMisfits]

Thanks for the concern. He's been screened for ASD by the pediatrician on all well checks. I guess it may be worth contacting a behaviorist.

If he's been screened, it seems he's just displaying typical 5 year old boy "I'm bored" behavior in the classroom.

 

[rigs32]

I got in trouble a lot in elementary school because I was absolutely bored by the standard curriculum and I'd already skipped a grade. I took all the honors and AP classes I could in high school and I still struggled in the challenging college course I chose because I'd never had to learn how to properly study. Once I figured that out and went to law school, it was much easier for me than most people.

I would suggest you do what is best for your child long term. Friendships can form through his new school and extra curriculars. I've seen people choose colleges based on friendships rather than academics and those choices later hindered their plans for their career or graduate studies.

 

[DLgal]

Thanks for the concern. He's been screened for ASD by the pediatrician on all well checks. I guess it may be worth contacting a behaviorist.

I would recommend an evaluation by a developmental pediatrician or a pediatric neurologist. Pediatricians mean well, but they are not qualified to diagnose autism. The screenings all said my 2 boys were fine. They are both autistic. I had to be the squeaky wheel.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

I would recommend an evaluation by a developmental pediatrician or a pediatric neurologist. Pediatricians mean well, but they are not qualified to diagnose autism. The screenings all said my 2 boys were fine. They are both autistic. I had to be the squeaky wheel.

I agree, especially if the “screenings” are just the parent forms you fill out at every well-check appointment that asks about things such as the frequency with which your child walks on their toes or makes unusual fluttering finger motions near their eyes. Those questionnaires strike me as being about as useful as the 10-question post-partum depression survey given to new moms with questions like, “How strongly do you agree with the statement that you find yourself crying for no reason all the time?” Overly subjective, easy to fudge, and even in the best circumstances, only likely to catch the most obvious cases.

I’m around a lot of 4-6 year olds these days and I can tell you the only thing they seem to care about is having friends, playing, and who in the group has the coolest new Bakugan/Beyblade/Pokémon trading card. Whether their peers are inferior or superior to them academically is not even on their radar. If my child was frustrated with other kids based on their supposed intellectual differences, my primary concern would be to address the social issues first. If it turns out that they’re truly so profoundly gifted that they’re cursed to always be the smartest person in the room, then they better learn other ways to connect with people outside of academics.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I agree, especially if the “screenings” are just the parent forms you fill out at every well-check appointment that asks about things such as the frequency with which your child walks on their toes or makes unusual fluttering finger motions near their eyes. Those questionnaires strike me as being about as useful as the 10-question post-partum depression survey given to new moms with questions like, “How strongly do you agree with the statement that you find yourself crying for no reason all the time?” Overly subjective, easy to fudge, and even in the best circumstances, only likely to catch the most obvious cases.

I’m around a lot of 4-6 year olds these days and I can tell you the only thing they seem to care about is having friends, playing, and who in the group has the coolest new Bakugan/Beyblade/Pokémon trading card. Whether their peers are inferior or superior to them academically is not even on their radar. If my child was frustrated with other kids based on their supposed intellectual differences, my primary concern would be to address the social issues first. If it turns out that they’re truly so profoundly gifted that they’re cursed to always be the smartest person in the room, then they better learn other ways to connect with people outside of academics.

One of my high school friends had the same issue (he is not a gifted child though so just talking about autism), their pediatrician said several times he was not autistic. Coincidentally a few days ago she posted the FB memory of her saying "Updated _____ does NOT have autism" It was about 2 years later that the diagnosis was adjusted to autism and she posted that memory to make it more visible. She is also a big supporter of ensuring you advocate for the right aid, continual aid (because there's been slip ups for her and contradictory actions by the schools) and sometimes keep digging.