When you don't get a gift in return

[Rantybaby]

I just remember something, I was 7 my great aunt gave me some socks, I was SO unappreciative. My mom wasn't there, but when I got home Mom let me have it. I think I saw the angel of death! I had to apologize. Every Christmas I think about that incident. It has been 40 year since, every Christmas I WISH I had THOSE socks.

 

[QVCshopper]

I gave to my nephew for years w/out getting anything back. I bought him bonds for every b-day and XMas. But when I had kids, I asked my brother if it was OK to not exchange, which has worked out well. I ended up having 2 kids really close together and he still has the one. I didn't want to get into just exchanging money.

I still send my nephew something small (usually $ equal to his age) at his b-day, but my brother doesn't send anything back to my kids for theirs, which is fine with me. So, yes, I'd probably stop, but tell your sibling first.

 

[robinb]

Last year we deposited $50 into each of 3 stock accounts for our niece and 2 nephews ($150 total). We didn't get a gift from them for our DS. Whatever, we thought maybe they just forgot.

This year the same thing. We got them giftcards to "buy a stock" from ING. The older boys enjoy this as they get to see their money grow (or not) - at least that's what we've been told. The young girl doesn't care, I'm sure, but someday hopefully she'll enjoy her gift. These children have everything. Their parents are well-off. That is why we choose to give them the gift of stock rather than just another toy.

I know this is probably mean, but they don't even acknowledge they got the gift, so I'm thinking, unless DS gets a gift from them or we get a thank-you card, next year they're off my gift-giving list. Maybe DS can pick them out a book or something, but the budget will be $50 for all three instead of $50 each.

What does it take for someone to not make your list?

How old are these kids?

 

[mom to minnie&mickey]

OP you are trying too hard for a bunch of ingrates. It is not that they cannot afford a gift for your ds it is just that they do not care! I, as a mother, would never receive gifts for my kids without reciprocating to the giver's own children to make them happy as well. Just by the simple fact that the parents do not make their kids call and say thank you tells you that you and your gifts are taken for granted. Why would you even think of giving them something next year? While I agree that you should not give expecting something in return, I totally feel your pain that your own child goes forgotten every year. Relationships cannot be forced and this family is clearly letting you know that they are not interested in one. Sorry if that is harsh but it is MHO.

 

[StitchBuddy]

This is a difficult situation. It is interesting how we feel about gift giving. I have 3 nephews all teenagers. 2 of them are ungrateful and one is very grateful and always wants to see us. Guess who gets more for Christmas?? Not a lot more, but more. I actually detest buying for the 2 ungrateful ones and only do it because I feel like I have too. I think I am going to suggest to my sister that we stop. They are from 2 different sides of the family so it won't matter. Now, I also have a great-nephew he is 4 years old. I love to buy for him!!!! Plus we are suppose to stop buying when they turn eighteen/graduate from high school.

 

[luvmy3]

Last year we deposited $50 into each of 3 stock accounts for our niece and 2 nephews ($150 total). We didn't get a gift from them for our DS. Whatever, we thought maybe they just forgot.

This year the same thing. We got them giftcards to "buy a stock" from ING. The older boys enjoy this as they get to see their money grow (or not) - at least that's what we've been told. The young girl doesn't care, I'm sure, but someday hopefully she'll enjoy her gift. These children have everything. Their parents are well-off. That is why we choose to give them the gift of stock rather than just another toy.

I know this is probably mean, but they don't even acknowledge they got the gift, so I'm thinking, unless DS gets a gift from them or we get a thank-you card, next year they're off my gift-giving list. Maybe DS can pick them out a book or something, but the budget will be $50 for all three instead of $50 each.

What does it take for someone to not make your list?

I'm wondering if the kids actually know you are giving them these GC for stocks? I assume the parents have to conduct the transactions so maybe they don't even let the kids know, or do you actually hand them the GCs yourself?

In your situation, I don't think I'd completely cut them off from gifts but I would definitely cut my budget on what I give.

 

[cm8]

Last year we deposited $50 into each of 3 stock accounts for our niece and 2 nephews ($150 total). We didn't get a gift from them for our DS. Whatever, we thought maybe they just forgot.

This year the same thing. We got them giftcards to "buy a stock" from ING. The older boys enjoy this as they get to see their money grow (or not) - at least that's what we've been told. The young girl doesn't care, I'm sure, but someday hopefully she'll enjoy her gift. These children have everything. Their parents are well-off. That is why we choose to give them the gift of stock rather than just another toy.

I know this is probably mean, but they don't even acknowledge they got the gift, so I'm thinking, unless DS gets a gift from them or we get a thank-you card, next year they're off my gift-giving list. Maybe DS can pick them out a book or something, but the budget will be $50 for all three instead of $50 each.

What does it take for someone to not make your list?

Owing me $$$$ and have the ability to pay it back but just doesn't
Being ungrateful for the gifts that they received
Not acknowledging the gifts that you sent

Not receiving a thank you is enough to get off my list. Its old fashioned but I have Dd either hand write a Thank You note or call to say thanks for the gift!

Dd has not received a card or gift for her birthday from her aunt and uncle the last few years. We still always send the kids (nephews) a birthday card but the gifts have ended when we didn't receive a Thank you the last time I sent gifts.[/QUOTE

I agree with that as well. How hard is it to pick up the phone and relay a thanks or send a card to do the same. People find all sorts of ways to do what they want when they want, but can't find the time to say Thanks


ETA: My one sister refuses to acknowledge my mom as her mom and all the sacrifices she made when she was a single mother going through med school. My mom still sent my Niece money for her birthday and Christmas, seems like the holidays were the only time my sister wanted anything to do with my mom. My niece has NEVER said thank you for any of it. She knew my mom was sending the money and always looked forward to getting it. One year my Mom stopped sending it and they BOTH called to see what happened. Funny how they never called before till it stopped. My Mom would send her $1000.00 every year for Christmas and $500.00 for her birthday. Hardly nothing to sneeze at and more than enough to be thankful.

 

[dreamin_disney]

My nephew was bumped off my list this year, he is 14. He never says thank you and at times before DD was born he got about $200 worth of stuff each Christmas and $100 for his birthday. After DD was born they all knew my priorities would change,we sat down and talked to both him and his sister. Every year since I just give them $100 each, every year he says after opening it, is this all. No thank you, no apprication of any kind.
He was really rude to me a few weeks ago on the phone and my sister will not have him apologize and said to me "what do you want me to do about, ok, I am sorry, is that good, is that what you want.

That is what it takes to be bounced from my gift list.

also... My sister who's husband's income is about 4x mine income gets my DD a $30 toy. Yet, my daughter never says... is this all.

ok... vent over.
OP- I am sorry, you are trying to be nice and it sucks when others take advantage of you for it.

I dont why i got a a visual of your nephew opening a gift from you and saying is this all but instead of $$ opening a gift with a large piece of COAL ! I would love to see his face. His response would probably "What the heck is this" lol!
----------------------------

I've never been one to expect gifts not even as a child. When i was 16 I started working. I would buy for family and nieces and nephews. I was in high school so didnt make much $$. I would buy gifts from Big Lots aka pic n save.

to the present now....

Dh's side dh and I are kinda expected to give gifts MIL calls to tell us sizes and a reminder. Funny thing is 2 of my BIL's are of age and work but never buy for anyone. One BIL has 2 kids we buy for that we never see maybe once a year and he never buys for anyone. Both BIL's dont have mortgages, rent or big bills like dh and I do. SIL is single and always buys for everyone, she has rent and school she pays for and works, Older BIL they buy gifts for everyone and they have 3 kids. Plus dh has 2 step siblings . The one with 3 kids we never see and the 2nd step sibling has 2 kids we see 1-2 times a year. Everyone lives within 20-30 mins drivings distance.

BIL with the 3 kids and dh and I both have mortgages, bills, car payments etc and MIL kinda expects us to buy for eveyone but the 2 BIL's dont.

We also had to buy for dh's 2 uncles and their mates and a few cousins. I told dh he had to cut the uncles and cousins they all freeload and no bills and never buy for anyone.

My point to dh is it bugs me to have to buy for so many (use to be 37 people )when we have bills. I dont mind buying for older BIL and kids, SIL and the other 2 lil nephews, MIL and Gma.

BUt the 2 BIL's never say thank you, one only shows up to pick up gift and leaves. The other doesnt even show up. The step sibling we never see and never get a Thank you from any of them. The kids are old enough and sure if they even know my name-lol!

I read an article online if you want to end gift giving just send a X-mas card with no money or gifts.

This year I finally got DH to agree to send his step siblings just a x-mas card. He took it to the post office so not sure if he slipped in some $$$ or a family giftcard.


My side of the family agreed 2 years ago just to draw names. Everyone is going through a hard time and with the family growing it was getting to expensive. We grew up X-mas being about family getting together for a meal and clebration. We did exchange gifts but lil gifts. Getting together was the most important thing and the food was the great gift -all the yummy traditonal food. My mom was a single mother so maybe thats why my version of x-mas is different. Dh hates shopping for me for x-mas because my list is always something: p.J's , socks , bras etc i need instead of my wants-lol!
This year dh and i arent exchanging gifts I want to pay off debt.

 

[GaSleepingBeautyFan]

I think it's tricky. In my family, we draw names for the kids and the adults don't exchange gifts. I do cross stitch an ornament for each of my sisters.

I've always gotten a thank you from the kids on my side of the family. The rule is once you turn 18 you aren't part of the gift exchange name drawing. If someone wants to send you something, cool. If not, not biggie. Since both my niece and nephew turned 18 and are living on their own and struggling to stay on their own instead of moving back home, I gave them each a check this year. I'm hoping they'll send me a thank you. If not, I'll call them and make sure they got their check. I may or may not send them a gift again - alot depends on if we can afford it.

My husbands family is different. No kids at all. We used to exchange gift cards but I talked with my BIL about stopping that this year and he was ok with it.

I didn't get a chance to talk with the SIL so I did pick up actual gifts for her, her husband and a little something for their new dog. I'd love to stop buying for her as well but she always sends a little something to my kids so I'd feel guilty if I didn't send her something as well. We've never gotten a thank you from her.

 

[hipchickie]

I would never expect a gift back, but I would like an acknowledgement...as I said to someone recently - i do not expect 3 pages of written prose about the awesomeness of my gift, but all my nieces and nephews are on face book, email, etc. and it they can not send me a simple word to even know that they received the gift, that is it - after this year I am done.

 

[Sadie22]

Make sure the nieces and nephews know how to thank someone properly. Some kids are never taught this.

 

[Planogirl]

I'd love to know how old these kids are. That makes a big difference IMO.

 

[ChiCat]

I don't expect anything in return when I give gifts. It's the spirit of giving that I do it because I love to see people happy, I don't expect anything in return.

Ditto. Although if they were not saying thank you it would kill the joy for me.

 

[pyrxtc]

I send gifts because I think they will like what I've found. I see from your post that you give them investment for the future. They probably wouldn't miss it if you stopped and I would if I didn't at least receive a thank you call from them each. The only way they get out of that is if I am there when they open it.

If they can't bother to say thank you then I would stop sending anything. It is not a tit for tat holiday.

 

[leadfootlevi]

The oldest two boys are 10 and 12. The youngest girl is 5. The 10 and 12 year-olds have e-mail, facebook, the 12 year old has a cell phone.

We are not together when they open their gifts. Well, not usually. One year we were, but the kids were younger. The oldest was 9. We got them same games and books. When the 9 year old opened the book he said "We don't like gifts like this." The parents (the dad was sitting right there) said nothing. If that were my child...man oh man.

It's not about receiving something in return other than acknowledgment that they even received the gift. I could be sending these gift cards and they don't even get them so I'm just throwing my money away. I fell weird asking "Did you get my gift?" Maybe I could ask "What stock did you choose to buy?"

Giving gifts only gives me joy if I know the person enjoyed the gift I give. Maybe I should continue giving because I know someday they will enjoy this gift. Maybe they'll thank me in the future (when their stock is worth more than $50).

 

[nunzia]

I give because I like to and expect nothing in return..BUT..sometimes when a person quits exchanging gifts or doesn't send one in return it is because they just don't want to do it anymore and don't know how to say so..it can be a clue to just send a greeting, but not a gift, so that is what I'd do in this specific case. My eldest son and his family are horrible about acknowledging gifts and only buy gifts for family members if they are in town visiting. Does that mean I'll quit giving gifts to him and his family? Of course not..it all depends on the situation. My DH has a wealthy brother, single, who several years ago stated he never knew what to give anyone so was going to quit getting gifts which was fine. He may still send the kids (all adults) money, and hopefully they thank him for it, but for the siblings we may only get him a token something like a book, or this year, since we went to Disney together I made him a scrapbook of our trip, but I certainly don't want or expect a gift in return. Gift giving can be very tricky and usually people just want to do the right thing, but I do think parents need to push the kids to thank people for their gifts just out of common courtesy. Helpful in this is that the kid can't play with the gift or spend the cash or whatever, until the thank you is written.

 

[AmandaNied]

My neices and nephews (both tween-teenage) live all over the state. The last card I mailed to my nephew (it had a gift card enclosed) I never heard a word. I called his mom and asked if he had gotten it- she said oh..yea. Then went into a rant about "you know, you can't control teenagers- they do what they want and you can't make them call and say thanks!".... (MY mom would have skinned me alive...but that's her

She also went on to say "If you mailed it, you can assume it got there...I mean, I didn't have to call Aunt So-in-So when she sent me that check- she saw the money deducted from her account...she knew it got here"

Oh well... I still haven't stopped sending him things...but it does take some of the Joy of giving out of it. I don't expect anything in return- but sometimes it does your heart good to see the expression of happiness.

I always give my good friend and her son a present for Christmas- she's a single mom and is going to school and I know she doesn't have much $$. I never expect to get anything in return, but it makes me feel

 

[jeepgirl30]

My DN is now 14. He doesn't normally acknowledge the gifts or say thanks, sometimes but not always. My Dsis sends me his wish list every year and every year i go This year there was not one thing under $125. She called a few days later and asked what i was getting from the list because she didn't want to duplicate. I said sorry but nothing, it is all way out of my budget was there anything less expensive he was looking for? She said a video game but it is a brand new one and $60.

Now Dsis usually will make a very nice outfit for DD and her doll(s) for her bday. But for whatever reason she very rarely sends DS a bday present. His bday is in Nov. One year we were at her house for Tday and there was a gift, he was all excited thinking it was for him (he was 6). She said oh no that is for dad. He cried later to me and asked what he did wrong because we always get cousin a present. In fact we had DN's bday gift with us. Dsis just acted as if nothing was amiss. Dsis, DS and my Dad all have Nov bdays. So everyone was opening except for the little 6 year old. I felt so bad for him. He tried to put on a happy face but he just didn't get it.

For Christmas she usually sends him used toys DN has outgrown. Not a problem yet as DS is just happy to get something and thinks it cool it was from the big cousin.

However, I'm kind of tired of being asked to spend big bucks and then my son gets dissed. So this year I got a $30 gamestop gift card. I called my sis and asked if she got it, she sounded pretty annoyed and said yea and she was going to put it in an envelop for me. Not sure why because it was a decorative card in its own gamestop sleeve. whatever! no thank you just irritated response. I guess it wasn't enough.

I will still continue to give him gifts. He has a small family and I do love him. Someday I hope he will realize I did what I could and will see I was always thinking of him.

OP, I would reduce the amounts you are spending to where you are comfortable with what you are doing without a response. You should not feel obligated to give anyone a gift.

 

[luvmy3]

The oldest two boys are 10 and 12. The youngest girl is 5. The 10 and 12 year-olds have e-mail, facebook, the 12 year old has a cell phone.

We are not together when they open their gifts. Well, not usually. One year we were, but the kids were younger. The oldest was 9. We got them same games and books. When the 9 year old opened the book he said "We don't like gifts like this." The parents (the dad was sitting right there) said nothing. If that were my child...man oh man.

It's not about receiving something in return other than acknowledgment that they even received the gift. I could be sending these gift cards and they don't even get them so I'm just throwing my money away. I fell weird asking "Did you get my gift?" Maybe I could ask "What stock did you choose to buy?"

Giving gifts only gives me joy if I know the person enjoyed the gift I give. Maybe I should continue giving because I know someday they will enjoy this gift. Maybe they'll thank me in the future (when their stock is worth more than $50).

I'm not sure if this is in response to my post, but I just wanted to say that I didn't mean that the kids weren't getting the gifts at all, I meant that they may not realize exactly what gift was given if the parents were the ones to actually purchase the stocks (for the kids) with the money. I could see a 5 year old having no idea just what you gave, but the other 2 are definitely old enough to exactly what and why. I also don't think age has anything to do with thanking someone, if you are given a gift, no matter what it is, you say "thank you".

 

[dzorn]

My DN is now 14. He doesn't normally acknowledge the gifts or say thanks, sometimes but not always. My Dsis sends me his wish list every year and every year i go This year there was not one thing under $125. She called a few days later and asked what i was getting from the list because she didn't want to duplicate. I said sorry but nothing, it is all way out of my budget was there anything less expensive he was looking for? She said a video game but it is a brand new one and $60.

Now Dsis usually will make a very nice outfit for DD and her doll(s) for her bday. But for whatever reason she very rarely sends DS a bday present. His bday is in Nov. One year we were at her house for Tday and there was a gift, he was all excited thinking it was for him (he was 6). She said oh no that is for dad. He cried later to me and asked what he did wrong because we always get cousin a present. In fact we had DN's bday gift with us. Dsis just acted as if nothing was amiss. Dsis, DS and my Dad all have Nov bdays. So everyone was opening except for the little 6 year old. I felt so bad for him. He tried to put on a happy face but he just didn't get it.

For Christmas she usually sends him used toys DN has outgrown. Not a problem yet as DS is just happy to get something and thinks it cool it was from the big cousin.

However, I'm kind of tired of being asked to spend big bucks and then my son gets dissed. So this year I got a $30 gamestop gift card. I called my sis and asked if she got it, she sounded pretty annoyed and said yea and she was going to put it in an envelop for me. Not sure why because it was a decorative card in its own gamestop sleeve. whatever! no thank you just irritated response. I guess it wasn't enough.

I will still continue to give him gifts. He has a small family and I do love him. Someday I hope he will realize I did what I could and will see I was always thinking of him.

OP, I would reduce the amounts you are spending to where you are comfortable with what you are doing without a response. You should not feel obligated to give anyone a gift.

I just don't understand why you continue to give gifts to them. That would have been the last gift card they would have gotten. If DSis said something to me the next year I would have said you thought we we no longer exchanging birthday gifts since DS never recieves one.

I would not cover for sister either, if DS feels are hurt and he askes you I would tell him to go ask DSis and go with him. Let her explain it to him. Sometimes people are self centered and clueless becasue people let them be self centered and clueless.

I would also have a talk with DS about gift giving in general.

Denise in MI